The Summer I Wasn't Me

by Jessica Verdi

  It goes on like this for a long time. The crowd prays and the healer “casts the demon.”

  And Matthew just stands there, letting it all happen.

  Just when I’m starting to feel like it’s got to be over soon, that it can’t possibly get worse, Mr. Martin shouts out, “The demon is still inside you, Matthew, but he has been weakened! It’s time to expel him forever!”

  He nods to Brother Wilson, and Brother Wilson nods back. “Pray!” Brother Wilson commands the group, and everyone picks up their chanting with even more energy. “The blood of Jesus will clean the spirit!” he shouts, and then, with no warning, he hits Matthew.

  Hits him. Punches him, with his large fist, in the stomach.

  For a moment, I’m stunned. That didn’t really happen, did it? It couldn’t have. It doesn’t make sense.

  But Matthew is on the floor, curled in the fetal position, gasping out in pain.

  I finally find my voice. “NO!” I scream, in control of myself at last. I launch myself out of my seat and climb past the laps and legs of the people in my row. “Don’t hurt him!” I cry. “Somebody stop this!”

  My shouts ring throughout the room because—I’m only just realizing—the crowd went silent at Brother Wilson’s blow. Instead of chants and stomps, the room is now filled with ghost-white faces frozen in shock and a sense of incompleteness as gasps are held in but not released.

  Oh, thank God. They’re not as brainwashed as I thought. But they’re still just sitting there.

  “Homosexual demon, be gone!” Brother Wilson yells as Matthew lies there, trying to get his air back. “I force you from this body!” And he kicks him—just once, seemingly strategically placed in Matthew’s middle section, but hard.

  When I reach the aisle—still shouting for somebody to help—I’m immediately restrained by two of the counselors. I don’t pay attention to who they are—all I can focus on is Matthew, writhing on the plushy blue carpet, sobbing.

  I flashback to the first day of the Father Wound sessions, when Ian was hitting Gabe with the Nerf bat. That was the worst thing I’d ever seen—scary and violent and cruel. But that was nothing compared to this. This is real. This time, there are no soft foam bats or counselors monitoring to make sure no one gets hurt.

  This time, the counselors want him to get hurt.

  “Spirits of homosexuality, get out! I compel you to leave!”

  “Matthew!” I scream.

  Matthew rolls over and vomits.

  A strange, irrelevant thought pierces through my rage—they’re going to have to replace the carpet again. There’s no way they’re going to get the stain out.

  Is this why the carpet seemed so new at the beginning of the summer? Does this type of thing happen often at New Horizons? Mr. Martin said they’ve only had one exorcism here before, but maybe there have been other beatings and attacks that weren’t attached to exorcisms? The counselors don’t seem at all surprised by what’s happening, and no one is doing anything to stop it.

  I try to get away from my captors, but their hold on me is unbreakable. So I just keep screaming and crying until I exhaust my air supply. I break off, gasping, and only then, in the gap in my own shouts, do I hear the others.

  Other people are yelling too, pleading for them to leave Matthew alone. I blink through my cloudy vision. It’s Jasmine and Ian and Gabe and Rachael and this guy named Chris who I’ve never really spoken to but who is all of a sudden one of my favorite people in the world.

  And one voice is louder than all the others. I whip my head around to find the source of the sound. And then I see her—in the opposite aisle, across the cabin, Carolyn is being restrained by John and Brianna. Her face is red and splotchy, and her eyes are overflowing with tears. “Stop!” she cries. “Please, stop!”

  We lock eyes. Past the tears and puffiness and utter horror, her gaze burns with strength, and I know that no matter what’s happened between us in the past, right now we’re on the same side.

  It gives me the clarity I need to see this whole situation for what it truly is.

  The exorcism isn’t just for Mr. Martin to assert his power and control over Matthew—it’s payback.

  Matthew embarrassed Mr. Martin, so Mr. Martin is embarrassing Matthew—in front of everyone.

  Matthew hurt Mr. Martin, so Mr. Martin has found a way to hurt him right back.

  I didn’t think it was possible to hate that man any more than I already did.

  I spot Daniel in the crowd, clutching his wooden cross to his chest. His mouth is hanging open, and his eyes behind his glasses are as huge and round as oranges.

  I clear my throat as much as I can, take a deep breath, and call out, “Daniel!”

  He jumps at the sound of his name and looks around, confused.

  “Over here!” I say, and he finally turns my way.

  I look at him desperately, and he stares back. He looks terrified and confused, like he still doesn’t quite comprehend what’s happening.

  “Help,” I croak.

  There’s no way he can hear me over the shouts of the others and the continuous bellowing of Brother Wilson, but his face registers with understanding. He knows what I’m asking. He nods his head quickly, faces forward again, and bends his head over his cross.

  While Daniel prays for Matthew, and Carolyn hopes or wishes or does whatever her version of praying is, I relax in the arms of the counselors, making it clear that I’m giving up. They loosen their grip on me right away, probably glad for a rest. I count to three, take a long, deep breath, and gather my strength. And then I make a run for it. I bolt away from the counselors, sprint down the aisle, and dodge Mr. Martin.

  Just as I get to Matthew, Brother Wilson gives another kick, his third and final blow, and Matthew passes out.

  I throw myself down and cover his body with my own anyway, protecting him. But it’s too little too late.

  Brother Wilson steps back, wipes the sweat off his brow, and says, “In the name and authority of the Lord Jesus Christ, we forbid you, homosexual spirit, from operating in any way within young Matthew ever again. Praise be to God.”

  Chapter 30

  They won’t take Matthew to the hospital.

  He regained consciousness shortly after the exorcism finally came to an end. Barbara looked him over right there in the carpet cabin—the other campers had already been ushered back up to the dorms, but I refused to leave his side until I knew he was okay. He was badly bruised and in pain, but Barbara assessed that there were no broken bones or anything life-threatening. So Mr. Martin said there was no need to call a doctor.

  And Matthew agreed.

  Yesterday, I would have been surprised about that. Today, not so much.

  If a minor showed up in the hospital in this kind of shape, the authorities would immediately be called. It would probably lead to an investigation of New Horizons and maybe even arrests. Bad news for Mr. Martin.

  And at the very least, Matthew’s parents would be called, and Mr. Martin would spin it just so, and Matthew’s dad would find out all the reasons why his son was on the verge of being kicked out of the camp. Bad news for Matthew.

  So, for both their sakes, they’re keeping the whole thing under wraps.

  The next day, while Barbara and Kaylee tend to Matthew in the infirmary, the other counselors keep us occupied. The boys play another baseball game; Brianna leads Bible study; the girls take turns practicing threading the sewing machine. There’s no downtime, and meals are rushed. It’s like they’re trying to prevent us from actually having time to think about what happened last night.

  Like that’s even possible. I’ve been threading sewing machines for years, but now every time I try, I break the thread or prick my finger. I can’t concentrate.

  Carolyn and I share a lot of looks. All this waiting and worry has got to be even worse for her because she st
ill doesn’t have any idea why Mr. Martin did this to him.

  That night, as we’re getting ready for bed, I finally get the chance to talk to her.

  “Lexi,” she whispers as soon as I come over to her area. “We have to do something! We have to go check on him.”

  “I know,” I say. “But how?”

  “We could ask.”

  I give her a yeah, right look.

  “Okay, okay. We’ll have to sneak out then. After everyone’s asleep.”

  I raise an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

  “Seriously. We have to make sure he’s okay.”

  “But what if we get caught?” I ask, unsure.

  Carolyn bites her lower lip, thinking. “I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t just stay here doing nothing.”

  I sigh. “I know. Okay, let’s do it. Eleven o’clock? Everyone should be asleep by then.”

  She nods. “Eleven.”

  Even though the lights are turned out as usual at ten, I can’t sleep. I’m too worked up worrying about Matthew, replaying the whole thing in my mind, nervous about sneaking out. If we get caught, that’s it. We’ll be shipped back home before the sun comes up.

  And then where would I be? I was ready to give up the fake-being-straight-for-Mom plan when I thought I would have Carolyn to help me through it, but she’s made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t want me. So I would be kicked out with nothing to show for my time here at New Horizons—not turned straight, no chance to go forward with the fake-it plan, and no girlfriend. I’d be right back where I started.

  But Matthew is my friend. I need to make sure he’s okay. I need to let him know we’re here for him.

  And there’s also the tiny issue of guilt. All of this is because of me. Because Matthew wanted to give me the chance to spend the day with the girl I liked. This is my fault. I can’t turn my back on him now. No matter the consequences.

  I watch the digital alarm clock next to Deb’s bed.

  10:58.

  10:59.

  11:00.

  The room is very still, the girls’ breathing deep and rhythmic.

  As quietly as I can, my heart hammering in my chest, I slip out from under the sheets and grab my sneakers from under the bed. I tiptoe across the room, past a snoring Deb, and meet up with Carolyn near the door.

  Are you sure you want to do this? I ask her with my eyes.

  The moonlight streaming through the window catches her face. She nods once.

  I twist the doorknob slowly and silently, and we leave the dorm. The door closes behind us with a muted thud.

  We stop at my rock to brush the dirt and grass from our feet and slip our shoes on.

  “Barbara or Kaylee will probably be down there, you know,” I say. Even my whisper sounds loud in the dark woods.

  Carolyn nods. “I know. We’ll have to peek through the window when we get there to see if they’re awake.”

  “And if they are?”

  “We won’t be able to go inside. But at least we’ll be able to see Matthew through the window. Hopefully it’ll be a good enough view to be able to see how he’s doing.”

  “Okay,” I say. We resume walking.

  Then Carolyn says, “About the other day…”

  I flinch. Why is she bringing that up now? Don’t we have enough tragedy to deal with at the moment?

  “I really don’t want to talk about it,” I say. It comes out harsher than I mean it to.

  “Oh,” Carolyn says. “All right.”

  “It’s just…with everything going on with Matthew…”

  “No, I understand. Sorry.”

  The field looks different at night. It looks smaller somehow, and the moonlight casts unfamiliar shadows across the grass.

  The infirmary is the only cabin with a light on.

  “I guess they’re awake,” I whisper.

  “Yeah.” She looks at me. “Well, it’s now or never.” And she takes off across the field.

  I follow close behind, being careful not to step on any crunchy leaves or twigs.

  We’re about halfway across the field when a thought occurs to me.

  “Wait.” I grab Carolyn’s arm and she stops short. I can’t help noticing how soft and warm her skin is.

  “What?” she whispers.

  “Let me go to the window first.”

  “Why?”

  “What if Kaylee or Barbara happens to be looking out the window when our faces pop up in it? We’ll be in a lot of trouble.”

  “Yeah, but we knew that was the risk.”

  “But it doesn’t have to be both of us who get in trouble,” I say. “If the only face she sees is mine, I’ll be the only one who gets caught. You’ll be safe. I can give you a signal to go hide before they come outside.”

  Carolyn stares at me. “But why should it be you who sacrifices yourself? This was my idea—I should be the one to take the fall.”

  I shake my head and allow myself to look into her eyes. They’re twinkling with the reflections of the stars above. “I think we both know I’m not exactly getting anything out of the program. If one of us has to go home, it should be me.”

  She hesitates.

  “So we’re agreed then,” I say. “Good. Now come on.”

  I’m almost at the infirmary window when the door swings open and Carolyn and I find ourselves face to face with Brianna.

  Chapter 31

  We stare at each other, stunned, for an eternity.

  We’re caught. We’re both going home—I didn’t even get the chance to be noble and save Carolyn. I wonder if they’ll let us see Matthew before we leave.

  I open my mouth to say something, though I have no idea what, when Brianna snaps into action. “Follow me,” she whispers and unlocks the door to the carpet cabin.

  Carolyn and I exchange a glance and follow her inside. My stomach turns over when I see the large brownish stain on the carpet.

  Brianna keeps the light off and leads us over to the far corner, as far away from the infirmary cabin as possible.

  “What are you two doing?” she demands.

  “We, uh—” I begin. I look to Carolyn for help.

  “We wanted to see Matthew,” she says unapologetically.

  “You realize you’re breaking about fifteen camp rules by being here right now?” Brianna says.

  We nod. “We were worried about him,” I say.

  Brianna slides down to the floor, suddenly tired and sad. “I know,” she says. “You’re good friends.”

  My jaw drops. Did Brianna just compliment us? Even though she just caught us breaking fifteen of her precious camp rules? Did we stumble into some sort of alternate universe?

  I look at Carolyn. She just shrugs.

  I sit beside Brianna on the floor. “Is he okay?” I ask gently.

  “He’s doing as well as can be expected. He’s in a lot of pain, but he’ll make a full recovery.”

  The knot in my chest loosens a little.

  “Are we in trouble?” Carolyn asks, sitting now too.

  “Did anyone see you leave the dorm?” Brianna asks.

  “No.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then no. If someone had seen you, I would have had to report this to Mr. Martin. But I’m fine with keeping it between us if you are.”

  Okay, we’ve definitely entered Bizarro World. Brianna’s actually being decent. But I’m not going to question it.

  “Thank you,” I say. Brianna looks at me, and I see a hint of the smile I saw that day so many weeks ago in the rec cabin—proof that there’s a real person in there somewhere. Looking at her here, sitting on the floor, her pigtails coming loose, her face exhausted, it dawns on me how young she really is.

  “Why did Mr. Martin do this to Matth
ew?” Carolyn asks. I guess she figures that we’ve already been caught breaking the rules and we’ve been given a rare moment with an open, honest Brianna, so she might as well take advantage.

  “Because Matthew attacked him yesterday. Mr. Martin told you all that.”

  “But it doesn’t make sense!” Carolyn says, frustrated.

  “Matthew is troubled,” Brianna says. “But now that his demon has been released, hopefully he’ll be able to turn his life around.” But the words lack her usual passion.

  I run my fingers over the carpet, thinking. The fact that Brianna isn’t dragging us to Mr. Martin’s office right now means she’s kind of on our side in this. She cares about Matthew too. And she believes, on some level, that what Mr. Martin did was wrong.

  I decide to take a chance.

  “Mr. Martin made a pass at Matthew,” I say.

  Brianna and Carolyn gape at me.

  “Actually, it was more than a pass,” I continue. “He tried to blackmail Matthew into having sex with him. He said that if Matthew didn’t do what he said, he would kick him out of New Horizons.”

  Brianna shakes her head. “No.”

  “Yes. I was there.”

  “When?” Carolyn whispers, her eyes filled with rage.

  “Yesterday. When I went to bring Mr. Martin the note. I heard everything through the door. Matthew hit Mr. Martin with the stapler because it was the only way to get away. I think the exorcism was payback—and a way to scare Matthew into keeping quiet about what happened.”

  Brianna’s covered her ears, but I know she can still hear me. “It’s not true,” she says. “You’re lying.”

  “Why would I lie about something like this, Brianna?”

  She keeps shaking her head in denial.

  “I know there’s a part of you that knows what I’m saying is true,” I say softly. “If you had as much faith in Mr. Martin as you say you do, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.”

  It takes a long time, but Brianna’s headshaking gradually slows. She lowers her hands from her ears. She looks ragged and pale, like her whole world is shattering around her.