The Summer I Wasn't Me

by Jessica Verdi

  “How long have you worked here?” I ask her.

  “Ten years,” she mumbles.

  “Since the camp first opened?”

  “Yes.”

  “So you’ve known all the campers who’ve come through the camp?”

  She nods.

  I twirl a piece of the carpet material between my fingers and glance at the dark stain across the room, remembering Matthew’s certainty that he wasn’t the first camper Mr. Martin has hit on. “Has anything like this happened before?”

  Brianna hesitates, but I can sense it—I’m this close to finally uncovering the truth about this place.

  I glance at Carolyn, half expecting her to be lost in her little world again, remembering Natalie and reminding herself of all the reasons why New Horizons is good. But she’s right here, watching Brianna closely, waiting for her answer.

  “It’s okay, Brianna,” I say. “You can tell us.”

  “I can’t though,” she says, her voice full of anguish.

  “Why not?”

  “Because I don’t know anything for sure. It’s just suspicions I have. And what if I’m wrong? I can’t go around slandering my brother like this!”

  “Brother?” Carolyn and I exclaim at the same time.

  “Yes, Jeremiah is my brother. My last name is Martin too.”

  Okay, things are starting to make sense.

  “But…you’re so much younger than he is!” Carolyn says.

  Brianna nods. “There are nineteen years between us. There are a lot of kids in our family. He’s the oldest. I’m the youngest. He left home before I was even born.”

  “So how did you end up working together?” I ask.

  “Oh. Well, he needed to come home—he’d had an accident and had almost died. My parents took him in, but only on the condition that he attend church and Bible study with them and give up his homosexual lifestyle. At the time, I wondered if he only agreed because he had nowhere else to go to recuperate. He and my father…I don’t know. They never got along. And I grew up hearing such terrible things about my brother from my parents and my older siblings.” She pushes back the frizzy tendrils of hair that have escaped from her pigtails. “Anyway, the change in him was almost immediate. He was so grateful to God for saving his life, for giving him a second chance. He was saved. So when he asked me if I wanted to start New Horizons with him, of course I said yes. I was almost done with high school, and I thought it was a wonderful idea—my own calling from God.”

  “But then you started having suspicions?”

  She lowers her eyes and shakes her head to herself. “I really shouldn’t be talking about this with you,” she whispers.

  “And your brother shouldn’t be sexually and physically abusing teenagers!” I snap back.

  “Lexi…” Carolyn says, wordlessly warning me that if I lose my cool, we’ll lose any chance of getting Brianna to tell us what she knows.

  But I’ve gotten through to Brianna. I see it. The way she’s looking right at me now, I actually think she’s relieved to finally have the chance to get it all out. She just needs a little push.

  “I really can’t…” she says, shaking her head weakly. “I shouldn’t…”

  I steel myself to do probably the worst thing I’ve ever done. I hate myself for manipulating her this way, but getting this information out of her is important. “Brianna,” I say. “Even if you don’t tell us another word, I already have a lot of information I’m sure the police will be interested in. The other campers might have kept your secrets in the past, maybe because they were scared of what would happen or intimidated into believing giving this place up would ruin their chances of becoming straight, I don’t know—but believe me, I’ll tell them everything.”

  She gasps and stares at me, openmouthed and wild-eyed. “No, you can’t—”

  “But I’m wondering if maybe it’s not as bad as I think it is. Because if the information you have is really that terrible, you would have told someone a long time ago. So, maybe if you tell us what you know, it will help us understand, and we won’t have to go to the police.”

  Carolyn looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, but Brianna gets it. She understands my threat perfectly. Don’t tell us anything, and New Horizons is done for. Tell us what she knows, and she’s got at least a chance.

  “Promise me,” she says.

  “Promise you what?”

  “Promise me that if I tell you, you won’t call the police.”

  I chew on the inside of my cheek, thinking. Mr. Martin deserves to be locked up for the rest of his life. But I need to know what Brianna knows.

  “I promise,” I say, and then silently add the qualifier, Until after the summer is over. I’m pretty sure he won’t try anything with any other campers this summer, so there’s some time to work with.

  Brianna asks Carolyn the same thing.

  “Um…I don’t know…” she says, glancing at me worriedly. Of course. She’s a victim of abuse herself—of course she’ll want to call the police immediately. But in order to have a real case against Mr. Martin, we need to know what Brianna’s seen. I nod, letting Carolyn know it’s okay—I won’t let Mr. Martin get away with this.

  She takes a deep breath and then says, “All right. Yes, I promise.”

  Brianna’s shoulders sag with surrender. “At first, he was as earnest as could be. His motivations were pure; I know they were. He was so eager to prove himself to God—and to our parents. He was doing everything right. But then…”

  “But then?” I nudge.

  She sighs. “I first noticed it after the first year or two. He would always choose one boy to pay special attention to. It’s always one who’s resistant to the reparative therapy, like Matthew. At first I thought what he was doing was wonderful—spending extra time with the kids who needed the most help—but after a while, I noticed some strange trends.”

  “Trends? What kind of trends?” I ask.

  “Well, even during the years where we have quite a few resistant campers, Mr. Martin would only choose one to give special lessons to. And it would always be the most handsome one. And the boys would usually act strangely after a private session in Mr. Martin’s office. They would be quieter, more withdrawn.”

  “You never actually caught him with a boy?” Carolyn asks.

  “No. Like I said, it’s just suspicions.”

  “If this has been going on for so many years, why haven’t you ever done anything about it? Why haven’t you confronted your brother?” I say.

  “And how was I supposed to do that, Alexis? I didn’t want to get him in trouble. I didn’t want to believe he hasn’t actually been cured of his sickness. I didn’t want to destroy things with my family after they’re all so glad to have him back. And honestly, I didn’t want the camp to get shut down. I love this place.” She holds her arms out, gesturing to the interior of the cabin. “I’ve dedicated my life to this. And I truly believe the work we do here at New Horizons is right. It’s God’s work. And if Jeremiah were exposed, New Horizons would be gone.”

  “So what you’re saying,” Carolyn says, angrier than I’ve ever seen her, “is that our friend is lying in that infirmary in agonizing pain because you don’t want to lose your job? Because somehow his life and his dignity, and the dignity of all the other boys who Mr. Martin has hurt, are a small price to pay for your precious camp?”

  Brianna looks shell-shocked. Carolyn is right; that’s exactly what she’s saying. But I bet Brianna’s never thought about it in those terms before. She’s been living in a happy little bubble of blind denial. “No, I—”

  “I want to see Matthew,” Carolyn demands. “That’s why Lexi and I came here, and I want to see him. Now.” She’s on her feet. I join her.

  Brianna sighs. “All right. Let’s go.”

  Chapter 32

  Barbara and Kaylee jump
when Brianna opens the infirmary door. Clearly they weren’t expecting her back so soon. And when they see me and Carolyn behind her, they look even more bewildered.

  “What are they doing here?” Barbara asks.

  “I asked them to come,” Brianna lies smoothly. “They’re in his group, and I thought it would help Matthew to have his friends here with him.”

  “Well then, where’s Daniel?” Kaylee asks.

  “I couldn’t very well go into the boys’ dorm at this time of night, could I, Kaylee?” Brianna snaps.

  Kaylee’s face turns red. “No, of course not. I apologize.”

  I still can’t see Matthew. His cot is hidden behind the open door. It’s so hard to be patient, standing here waiting for all the formalities between the counselors to be over. I just want to see him.

  “Now, I would appreciate it if you would give Alexis and Carolyn a moment alone with their friend.”

  “Yes, of course,” Barbara says, and she and Kaylee duck out of the cabin.

  Brianna opens the door wider, and Carolyn and I rush inside. Matthew is lying on the cot, the blanket in a bunch by his feet. He’s wearing a white T-shirt pulled up to his chest and loose-fitting gym shorts. His face, arms, and legs look fine, but his middle is covered in bruises—dark ones, purple and black. There are bags of ice on his ribs and propped up against his sides. His eyes are closed, but judging from the contorted expression on his face, he’s in pain, even as he sleeps. My strong, funny friend is broken.

  “I’ll give you a few minutes,” Brianna says and closes the door behind her. The three of us are alone.

  Carolyn and I kneel beside Matthew and look at each other. I feel like I’m about to burst into tears, but her expression is hard, seething. She holds my gaze, and I know she understands. She finally sees this place for what it truly is. And she’s done.

  My pulse quickens.

  I tell myself that just because Carolyn’s seen what Mr. Martin did to Matthew and learned that Mr. Martin isn’t any better than Kenny or any other abusive scum out there and that New Horizons isn’t what she believed it to be doesn’t mean that anything has changed. She can still be done with this place without wanting to be with me. She’s still haunted by what happened with Natalie, and besides, she’s never officially said anything that should make me think that she likes me. Matthew was the one who put that idea in my head, not her.

  But still. The way she’s looking at me right now…

  Matthew rolls over in his cot and groans with pain as his wounds press against the thin mattress.

  Carolyn tears her eyes away from mine. “Should we just let him sleep?” she whispers.

  “No,” I say. “If it were me, I’d want to know that you guys were here.” I reach over and brush the hair back from Matthew’s sweaty forehead. “Hey, Matthew?” I say softly. “Wake up. It’s Lexi and Carolyn.”

  He mumbles something unintelligible.

  I place my hand on his arm and shake him slightly. “Matthew.”

  His eyes fly open, and he sucks in air. He looks around wildly, trying to get his bearings. Then his eyes settle on me, and he relaxes.

  “Hey,” I say and make myself smile. “How you doing?”

  “Peachy,” he says, his voice gravelly with exhaustion. “Can’t get enough of this place. I’m thinking of investing in a timeshare.”

  I laugh in relief and smile at Carolyn. She grins back. Same old Matthew. Bruised, yes. But not broken after all.

  “Are you in pain?” Carolyn asks.

  Matthew grimaces. “Yeah. Bruised ribs. The pills Barbara gave me are helping though.”

  “Oh, Matthew,” I say. “I’m so sorry.”

  “What are you sorry for?” he says. “You didn’t do this to me.”

  “No, but you were in trouble because of me in the first place. This really is all my fault.”

  “Are you crazy? None of this is your fault.”

  “But in DC—”

  “Lexi, this was going to happen no matter what,” Matthew says. “It was always about me. I think from the very first day Mr. Martin met me, he knew it was going to end one of two ways. And honestly, between this and what he wanted me to do, I’ll choose this every time.”

  “Don’t worry.” I keep my voice low, just in case Brianna is outside listening. “He’s going to get what’s coming to him. Brianna told us some stuff. You were right—he has done it before.”

  Matthew raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean Brianna told you some stuff?”

  Carolyn and I explain what happened and what Brianna told us about her brother. Matthew’s eyes grow wider and wider the longer we talk.

  “I cannot believe that she told you all that,” he says when we’re done.

  “I kind of backed her into a corner so she had to. But honestly, I don’t think we gave her enough credit. She lied to Kaylee and Barbara just so we could come see you.”

  “Unreal,” Matthew says.

  “So when does Barbara think you’ll be able to get out of here?” Carolyn asks.

  “She guessed a week. I just have to wait until I can get up and walk around without crazy pain. It’s okay. I actually don’t mind being here. It’s better than having to face all those people who watched that asshole beat me up and didn’t try to stop it.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I say again, my heart aching.

  “Lexi! Stop apologizing!” Matthew says. “I would slap you, you know, if I could move.”

  “Okay, okay, sorry.”

  He shoots me a look.

  The infirmary’s creaky screen door swings open, and Brianna enters the room. “It’s after midnight, girls. You need to be getting back to the dorm.”

  Carolyn and I stand. I lean over and give Matthew a light kiss on the forehead. “We’ll be back,” I tell him.

  “I know. Thanks, you guys.”

  Brianna comes closer and looks down at Matthew like she wants to say something but can’t find the words.

  “Brianna?” he says. “You okay?”

  She nods. “I…um…I just wanted to say I’m sorry for what Mr. Martin did to you. I think…maybe…he sometimes goes too far.”

  It’s a half-ass apology, but coming from her, it’s huge. “Thank you,” Matthew says.

  Brianna keeps standing there, staring at him.

  “Was there something else?” he asks.

  “I was just wondering…did it work?” she asks.

  “Did what work?”

  “The exorcism.”

  Carolyn and I exchange a look, but I have to give Matthew credit. He keeps a straight face. “Yes,” he says, deadpan. “I think it just might have done the trick.”

  Brianna’s face breaks into the biggest smile I’ve ever seen from her. “I’m so glad to hear it. You’re going to be just fine, Matthew.” She turns to me and Carolyn. “I’m going to sit with Matthew until Barbara gets back. You two go ahead.”

  We wave good-bye to Matthew. While Brianna’s back is still turned, he rolls his eyes at her. Brianna’s right—he’s going to be just fine. Thank God.

  As we walk back through the quiet woods, Carolyn says, “What was Matthew talking about back there, Lexi? Why do you think this is your fault? What happened in DC?”

  “You caught that, huh?”

  “It was pretty hard to miss.”

  There’s no point lying now. “He pushed us off that train because he knew I liked you and he wanted to give us the chance to spend the day alone together.”

  She takes her eyes away from her path to look at me and in doing so trips over a root sticking out of the earth. I grab her arm just in time to save her from hurtling face-first to the ground. Her hand flies to her chest, and she steadies her footing and catches her breath.

  I’m still holding on to her. I can’t seem to let go.

  She mee
ts my eyes and my heart pounds. “Thanks,” she says. “You saved me.”

  “Anytime.” I smile.

  “So Matthew knew?” she asks.

  “Yeah.” We’re alone, in the dark, my hand is on her arm, and we’re actually talking about my feelings for her. Whoa.

  “What did you tell him?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. Nothing.”

  She takes a step closer and smiles. “I don’t think he would have gone through all of this for nothing.”

  I can’t speak. I can’t think. She’s so close. She smells incredible. I stare at her mouth—one corner is turned up ever so slightly. I glance up and find that her eyes are on my mouth too. I’m pretty sure we’re feeling the same thing.

  But then the unmistakable sound of someone walking down the path pulls us apart. My hand leaves Carolyn’s arm and she leaps away, putting several feet of space between us. She starts walking again, and I follow, left with only one thought: what just happened?

  The source of the noise was Barbara. We run into her on her way back to the infirmary from the main cabin. “Go get some rest, ladies,” she says. “It’s been a long couple of days.”

  “We will,” Carolyn says. “You too. And thanks for taking care of Matthew.”

  “Of course, dear. Good night.”

  Carolyn and I don’t say anything else for the rest of the walk. The closer we get to the main cabin, the more dangerous it would be to pick up our conversation where we left off. When we get back to the dorm, Carolyn wordlessly grabs The Great Gatsby off my nightstand and goes over to her area. I get into bed, and just as I’m about to drift off to sleep, the book lands with a thump on the foot of my bed.

  It’s too dark in the room for me to see Carolyn, but there’s just enough moonlight streaming through my window for me to see that she’s dog-eared a page. It’s page 28—the end of chapter one. Most of the page is blank for the chapter break, and Carolyn’s drawn something in. It looks like a map. Tomorrow morning, she’s written underneath. 6 a.m.