Deep Water
Page 14
I shook my head at him in disbelief. “You really think I want to do anything with you after you just admitted that you’re trying to destroy my husband?”
He shook his head at me sadly, “Jessica, where does this loyalty come from? You don’t seem to realize that he’s already whored you out to me. He doesn’t love you.”
“He does.”
“No, he doesn’t. Come over here.” I took a step forward and he wrapped a hand around my wrist and pulled me down to sit on his lap. A hand stroked my hair, but it wasn’t necessarily soothing, more possessive. “He’s just along for the free ride. You’ve taken care of him for so long that that’s all he sees you as. He thinks you’re pathetic. Look at you, you’ve next to no self-esteem, you sleep with his friends, you bail him out time and time again and all he can do is laugh at you.”
I shook my head. “That’s not true.” But tears were already starting to pool in my eyes. He kissed one that was escaping down my cheek.
“It is true,” he said softly. “You’re just a shell of what you used to be. Nothing you do ends up being right. He’s going to use you until you’re of no use to him and then he’ll ditch you for the next gullible girl that comes along. Most girls marry someone like their father, but you, you married your mother.”
“He’s not like her,” I argued weakly, more tears were making their way down my face.
“He is.” He lifted my chin with his fingers so I was forced to look directly at him. “But don’t worry. I’m here to take care of you now. I’ll make all your decisions for you, you don’t have to try and control everything anymore because I’ve taken everything away from you. Soon, you won’t even have to worry about Ewan.”
I tried to swallow over the lump in my throat. “Do you know how sick you sound right now? You’ve become just as controlling as your stepfather—”
His hand tightened on my jaw as anger sparked in his eyes. “If I were my stepfather I would have just beaten you down, over and over again. I would have thrown you down on the desk and screwed you so hard until you begged me to stop. Don’t ever say that again.” His voice was tight as if it were himself he was trying to control now.
We stared at each other, and he was the first to look away. “Be a good girl, Jessica. Take off your clothes.”
I tried to grab his face this time, to force him to look me in the eye, but instead he covered my hands with his and held them tight. “Is this really how you want things to be between us? Like we’re master and slave?”
He didn’t answer me or meet my eyes, but he did release my hands and I stood. “If this is how you want it, then fine.”
I removed my clothes, never once taking my eyes from him. He still just stared down at his desk. I waited a few beats for him to look at me or at least give me an instruction. When he didn’t, I bent down and tried to kiss him.
But he wouldn’t let me as he finally looked me in the eye. “Just get out,” he said quietly. “Go.”
I gathered my clothes in my arms and stopped to look at him before I left, but his attention was back on his desk so I slipped quietly out the door.
Chapter Twenty-Six
I dressed and went back to work, pushing down my sadness. Ewan was gone and Joseph didn’t come out of his office. The whole place felt like a mausoleum as my footsteps echoed around me. That someone actually rang the doorbell had me jumping both with surprise and excitement.
But my face dropped when I saw who stood there.
Katrin looked much the same as when she was a teenager with her revealing clothes. The black eye she sported, however, was new. She looked just as dismayed to see me as I was to see her.
“What are you doing here?” she blurted out.
Then footsteps came up behind me. “Katrin?”
Katrin’s face relaxed into a smile. “Joseph!” She was stepping forward and throwing her arms around him. He embraced her, holding her tight. “I hoped it was true that you were living out here. I’ve missed you so much.”
She released him and stepped back. He looked down at her bruised face, frowning with concern that had me almost jealous. “Who did this?” he asked.
Katrin shook her head. “It’s no big deal. I’ve left him and decided to come back here, especially since I heard you were back too.” She smiled up at him with delight. “I need somewhere to stay, and my Mom wasn’t exactly welcoming so…”
“You can stay as long as you like, of course,” Joseph told her tenderly as he took her hand.
“I knew I could count on you.” Then her smile faded as she looked at me. “Do you mind, Jessie? I mean—”
“She works for me. That’s all,” he cut in, and Katrin’s happiness was restored. “Come on, let me get you a drink.” His eyes darted to me. “Could you get a room ready for her?”
“Sure.”
I watched as he led her away, jealousy practically eating me alive. Like any obedient servant, I brought in her bags from the doorstep and carried them upstairs to a guest room. At least she wouldn’t be sharing his bed, or would she?
I served them dinner while they both chatted happily. Joseph seemed happier and more relaxed than any other time since we’d been reunited. I wished that he could be that way with me. They mostly ignored me, but after Katrin excused herself to go to the bathroom and I was clearing the table, Joseph grabbed my wrist.
“Did you eat?” he asked in a low voice.
“Yes.” I wrenched my wrist back as Katrin returned.
They stayed up late into the night, talking and laughing. I retreated to my cold room alone, imagining what they would be doing together.
When Ewan finally came home, I kissed him fiercely. I wanted some kind of comfort, even if it couldn’t be from Joseph.
Ewan laughed before kissing me back. “What’s all this?”
“I just want you.” I started to undress as he got his dick out. But there was nothing sensual about what we did. It was just pure fucking and there was no cumming or release in it for me. When we’d finished, I turned my back to him and pulled a nightdress over my head. Disappointment plagued me as I imagined Katrin enjoying Joseph’s mouth and hands as he brought her to orgasm…
There was a light knocking on the door, and Ewan zipped up his pants as he went to answer it. A drunk Katrin stood there, giggling.
“Hey, you two. Want to join us for a drink?”
Ewan gave her a wide smile as he surveyed her exposed cleavage and short skirt. He must have remembered her from high school. I wondered if he’d fucked her.
“We’d love to. Come on, Jess.”
“I don’t think so. I was just about to go to bed.”
Ewan rolled his eyes at me. “Seriously, Jessie? You don’t need to be all doom and gloom all the time. I’m getting really tired of it.” He snatched my robe off a chair and threw it at me. “Put this on. I’ll meet you down there.”
He followed Katrin, leaving me sitting alone on the bed. I thought about getting under the covers and turning out the light just to spite him. But then I thought of Katrin alone with Joseph and put on my robe before following them down.
We were doing shots, apparently. Ewan passed me one as I sat beside him and Joseph didn’t meet my eyes. He was sitting next to Katrin on the couch opposite us. Every time her hand brushed against him, I felt a jolt of envy go through me. And I took a shot to deal with it.
Katrin started to talk about old times, and Ewan joined in while Joseph and I stayed silent. To hear them talk, high school was like some magical time when everything was perfect. And maybe it was, compared to adulthood. Ewan rested his hand on my thigh, squeezing it affectionately from time to time the drunker he got. When everything was getting drunk and hazy, I noticed Joseph staring at that hand like his eyes were glued to it.
Smugness rolled through me. He was jealous. He had to be.
I leaned in closer to Ewan to plant a kiss on his cheek and he turned and caught my lips with his. He smiled at me after we broke the kiss. Joseph was wrong, Ewan di
d love me. I knew he did. I put my hand on his shoulder and leaned in to kiss him again. It was a stronger, more lustful kiss this time and I crawled into his lap, straddling him.
“Get a room!” Katrin called out, laughing.
I twisted my head around to look at her, a smile on my lips. “We don’t need one. These two apparently like public displays of…fucking. I hope you like sharing, Katrin. They both seem to like to share.”
Katrin giggled again, but Joseph, beside her, had no emotion whatsoever on his face.
“I didn’t know you were so bold, or kinky, Jessie,” Katrin told me, a huge grin on her face.
“She’s full of surprises,” Ewan said, and I turned back to face him. Only he wasn’t looking at me. His eyes looked over my shoulder at Katrin. His cock was hard beneath me, and he was hard for her, not me. I didn’t even care.
“Actually,” I said as I moved from Ewan’s lap to sit beside him. “I don’t see why they have to just share me. What do you think, Katrin? Are you up for it?”
Her eyes widened slightly, and then she licked her lips, giving a nervous giggle. “I don’t know. That seems kind of…”
“Slutty?” I finished for her.
Her eyes darted to me. “Yeah. Slutty.”
Ewan leaned forward. “How about just me then? It’s only fair. Joseph’s slept with my wife, why can’t I sleep with you?” He had a small, charming smile on his lips, the one that made him look oh so cute. Katrin’s eyes were back on him again, and she seemed kind of mesmerized. Or maybe she was just drunk.
“Katrin’s not my wife or my girlfriend. She’s not part of this,” Joseph stated. He looked unhappy and I frowned. I didn’t want him to be protective of her. I didn’t want her to be special to him. But then I guessed that she always had been.
“What I am is a big girl who can make my own decisions,” Katrin told him. She took a deep breath and directed her attention back to Ewan. “I don’t want an audience.”
Ewan was already getting to his feet and holding out his hand to her. “Whatever you like is fine by me.” She took his hand, getting to her feet as his arm around her waist held her steady. They headed out without a second glance at either of us. I watched them go, still feeling nothing.
The sound of a glass shattering made me jump. Joseph had thrown his glass across the room and a brown mess was dribbling down the paintwork and onto the carpet. I turned back to look at him, his mouth was a tight line of anger.
“What’s the big deal?” I asked.
He let out a puff of air. “The big deal is that she shouldn’t be used by your no-good husband. She doesn’t need any more men treating her like dirt.”
I laughed at that. “You think it’s okay to treat me like that, though?”
He glared at me through narrowed eyes. “That is completely different.”
“How?”
He kept his mouth clamped shut for a moment, then he opened it. “I want you gone. Both of you. This little deal is over. You need to move out in the morning.”
“What? Where are we supposed to go? I quit my job because—”
“That’s not my fucking problem!”
I just stared at him. “When did you get to be such a bastard?” I got to my feet and headed for the French doors that faced the lake.
“I always was, but you just built me up into someone that I could never live up to!”
I acted like he hadn’t spoken but turned back to him before I stepped through doors. “And just for the record, you used her all through high school for sex so you’re no better than anyone else.”
“Where are you going?” he called after me as I headed through the doors.
“For a swim.”
“You’re drunk. You’ll drown!”
I didn’t care. I walked off the stone pavers and onto the grass, stripping off my robe as I went. At the water’s edge, I slipped my nightgown off my shoulders before wading out into the dark water. I lost my balance and fell down, my head went under and I didn’t even care.
Joseph pulled me up and I just laughed as I breathed and coughed and wiped my hair away from my face. We sat in the water, he fully clothed and me naked.
“Don’t do stupid things, Jessica. You always do stupid things,” he muttered.
He caught my attention. “Like what,” I asked.
“Like not eating. Like marrying an idiot. Like getting drunk and going swimming, Like—”
“Like falling in love with you? Was that stupid?” I looked at him, waiting for his answer.
He reached for my hand under the water. “Yeah. That was stupid too.”
“That was the best stupid thing that I’ve ever done.”
He gave me a sheepish look. “No it wasn’t. I’ve been basically holding you hostage and torturing you. I don’t deserve you or your love, but I still want it.”
I smiled at him, reaching up my hand to cup his face. “You’ve still got it.”
His hand covered mine. “Then you’ll leave him?” The hope on his face was a beautiful thing and I had to look away.
His hand dropped from mine, and I got to my feet to walk back to the house, leaving him sitting in the water.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ewan and Katrin fucked all night. Moaning intermingled with talking and giggling well into the small hours of the morning. I lay naked and alone in my bed while my husband had sex with someone else. A thousand times I thought of getting up and going to Joseph’s bedroom and telling him that I wanted to be with only him.
What was stopping me?
I didn’t even know the answer to that myself but Ewan was a huge part of my life, I couldn’t just give that up in spite of his behavior. And without me, what would happen to him? He would probably end up in even more trouble which would trigger his depression and then…it didn’t bear thinking about it.
I shoved a pillow over my ears and tried to sleep, but I was jealous. Not necessarily of the fact that Katrin was screwing Ewan, but more because of the good time they were having. Ewan and I used to have good times like that, but now I couldn’t even remember when the last time was…
I packed our things the next morning and mentally prepared myself for the inevitable begging phone call I would need to make to my mother and her husband. I supposed I could try and get my old job back, but the thought of returning there made me feel sick.
Eventually, I gave up folding my clothes and just threw them into the cases. Ewan walked in while I sat amidst the chaos.
“What’s going on? Are you leaving me?” Then he yawned.
“Would you care if I was? Or would you just be sad that you lost your meal ticket?”
He kneeled beside me. “Of course I’d care. I’d be devastated. How could you think any different? Is this because I slept with Katrin?”
I lowered my head to look at my hands. “People in love don’t normally want their partners to sleep with other people. But we don’t seem to care about that, do we?” I said, sadly.
I listened to him breathe, then he said, “So, are you leaving me?”
I swallowed. “Joseph kicked us out. We need to go.”
“Fuck.” He gave a small laugh. “I thought he was so fucking in love with you that he’d give us a free ride forever. So what now? What do we do?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I really don’t know this time. You need to get a job, though. You need to do something.”
“I will, babe, I will.” He kissed me on my forehead which soothed me slightly.
We had our car back now thanks to Joseph, and we piled our stuff into it. I waited in the car while Ewan went to give Joseph back our keys. When he came back, he carried a bulging envelope.
“What’s that?”
Ewan grinned as he tossed it into my lap. “Money, baby. He gave us enough to clear my debts just like he said he would.
“He did that?”
Ewan started the car and began to head down the winding driveway. I twisted my head to look behind us as we drove away, h
oping for any glimpse of Joseph. But he didn’t show his face and I clutched onto the envelope while I tried to quell the urge to jump out of the car and run back to him.
The next stop was to Terrence and my mother’s house. They gave us some money, and that was only because we had turned up on their doorstep obviously homeless when they were having a garden party that afternoon. It would have been a bad look otherwise.
We rented a room in a shitty motel on the outskirts of town. Prostitutes took their clients there and drugs were being dealt from at least one unit. I made sure to lock the door carefully behind us as we dumped our stuff in the dismal room. It smelt like semen and I would have cringed as I sat down on the stained bedspread if I wasn’t so exhausted.
Ewan appeared to have no such reservations as he yawned and stretched out on the bed.
“Shouldn’t you go and give that money to whoever you owe it to before they start looking for you?”
He shook his head, not bothering to open his eyes. “Nah. I know where they’ll be tonight.”
“And then no more gambling, Ewan. I mean it.”
“No more,” he murmured drowsily. Within moments, he was asleep. I sighed and lay down beside him, alert for every noise and still thinking of Joseph, but eventually I slept. We both woke up when it was dark because a couple were having a screaming match outside our door. Then someone yelled at them to “shut the fuck up” and more people joined in to make more noise. Eventually, they dispersed but I didn’t feel any more comfortable. Ewan went out and got us food before he headed out to pay the money.
“I’ll be right back,” he told me. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” And I did, just more like a brother I realized miserably. He kissed me goodbye before walking out the door and I made sure to lock it tight behind him. I sat up half the night waiting for him to come back. The fluorescent lights outside shone brightly in through the thin curtains causing an eerie orange glow in the room. I jumped up every time I heard footsteps outside the door but never once was there a knock on the door.
Anger mixed with worry as the hours ticked by, but eventually I fell asleep. When morning came, he still wasn’t back and his phone kept going straight to voicemail. It wasn’t until noon that I left the room. I visited the hospital and the police station, but he wasn’t at either. I didn’t really know what to do, so I just went back to the motel and waited. I called everyone we knew, but no one had heard from him, that didn’t surprise me since he had alienated most of our friends long ago. His aunt was abrupt with me and told me not to bother asking for any more money because she didn’t have any. My mother told me he was probably just drunk and passed out somewhere.