by Amber Garza
He scoots closer to me, drawing his forehead together. “But Aunt Callie was going to take me to see a movie this weekend.”
My heart squeezes. “I’m sorry, buddy.”
His face drops. Then I remember that I still have some money left. I should save it to help feed us when we get back, but I can’t stand the thought of Zander having to miss out on a movie when he was looking forward to it so much. “Hey, I’ll take you to a movie this weekend, okay?”
Zander forces a smile. “Okay. But I still don’t want to go back, Colt. I have friends here, and Aunt Callie is so nice. We always have food, and Aunt Callie tucks me in at night and reads me stories.”
I swallow hard. What I want to tell him is that everything is going to be okay, but I know I can’t. It’s not fair to lie to him, to give him false hope. “I know it’s going to be hard, Zander. I like it here too. And there are people here that I’m going to miss as well.”
“Like Paige?” He raises his eyebrows.
Just hearing her name causes my stomach to roll. “Yeah, like Paige.”
Zander tucks his hand in mine. “So, let’s stay then.”
“I wish we could, champ, but Aunt Callie isn’t our mom. We can’t stay with her forever.”
“It’s not fair.” He sticks out his lower lip in a pout.
“Hey, we’re going to get through this. I’ll be with you, Zander, and I’ll take care of you just like I always do. And you want to know why?”
“Why?”
I inhale sharply, gathering courage to say what I need to. “Because I love you, Zander. Very much.”
He throws his arms around my neck. “I love you too, Colt.”
I wrap my arms around him and hold him close. His little body trembles against mine.
“Can I sleep in here tonight, Colt?” He asks.
I nod.
“Okay, I’ll just go grab my blanket and be right back.”
As he scurries from the room, I blow out a breath. He slept with me the first several nights we were here, but then he got comfortable and starting sleeping in the room across the hall. I hate that my mom came back. I hate that her presence makes Zander nervous and scared again.
When Zander returns he crawls onto my bed, clutching his blanket tightly in his fist. He lies down, pressing his face into my pillow and drapes the blanket over his body. I strip down and pull on some pajama pants and a t-shirt. Then I flick off the wall switch and climb into bed next to Zander. Once my eyes adjust to the darkness, I stare at my little brother’s profile. His eyes are closed and his lips are parted. I stroke his hair until his breathing becomes even, and I’m grateful that he has slipped into his dreams. Dropping my arm, I lean back against the opposite edge of the pillow and stare up at the ceiling. I think about how great things were here, about how happy Zander and Bristol were. And about how different I was becoming. I wonder if going back to San Francisco will ruin all that. Will I turn into the old Colt again? Will I slip right back into my old skin as quickly as I had shed it here?
I picture our dirty apartment littered with ashtrays, needles and pipes. My stomach clenches when I envision our empty fridge and broken appliances. Dad spends most of his time tweaking, and when he’s high he thinks he can fix anything. So he takes apart our appliances in an attempt to put them back together. Only he never finishes them. Eventually he crashes from his high, leaving the remains of his project strewn over the kitchen counters or living room floor. And it never gets cleaned up or fixed. We just learn to step over it and do without.
Since being here I’d cleaned up my act, but it won’t be as easy back home. We’ll be hungry and alone again. I vow to find a real job this time in order to support Zander and Bristol, even if it will mean being away from them. That’s always the issue. I hate to leave them for hours at a time knowing they are neglected. But I know I can’t go back to my old ways. Not if I want to make it back here.
Zander stirs beside me, and I roll my head toward him. How can I come back here and leave Zander and Bristol though? The thought rips at my heart. Will Paige wait for me for years? I can’t even ask her to do that, can I?
I feel tears of frustration burning at the back of my eyes, but I blink them back. I will not cry. I will not let my parents do this to me. Anger burns through me. Why did she have to come back here and ruin everything?
I’m certain we will be leaving tomorrow. Mom won’t be able to stay here very long. She’ll feel the pull of the drugs, and when she does she’ll be itching to leave quickly. It’s only a matter of time. Quietly, I slip off the bed and walk to the desk in the corner. I’ve never used anything on it, but the first night I was here I opened the cabinet and saw paper inside. Now I open it and pull out a few fresh pages. I locate a pen and sit down. With only the moonlight as my guide, I start to write.
I start with Dear Paige and then stop, wrinkling my nose. I crumble up that piece of paper, toss it aside and pull out a new one. On this I start with McAllistor, and then I just let the words flow. Writing has always been the easiest way for me to express my feelings. When I was younger I used to write poems and stories in order to deal with my pain. Tonight I just want Paige to know me. I want to leave her with something. And my words are all I have to give.
“Alright, kids, get your stuff together. We need to get home.” Mom speaks in her raspy voice.
“You’re leaving today?” Aunt Callie looks shocked. “What’s the hurry? Why don’t you stay a few more days? Maybe the kids can show you around town.”
Zander nods desperately, and I can tell he’s hoping Mom will agree. My chest tightens at the gesture, because I know exactly what Mom will say.
Mom waves away her words. “Nah. Adam is waiting for me. We have to get back.”
Zander’s shoulders slump. I place my hand on his back, irritated with Mom for using Dad as an excuse to go back when we all know the only thing she cares about is drugs.
“I’m sure Adam will understand. I know my brother. He can endure a few days alone. Besides, it’s such a long drive and you only just got here,” Aunt Callie pushes and I wonder why she’s doing this.
Mom’s face hardens. “No. We’re leaving today and that’s final.”
“Fine. But I have to do something before we leave.” I pat the letter that’s tucked inside my pocket and start walking toward the front door.
“Colt,” Zander cries out, running behind me. He tugs on my arm and I turn to him. “You’re coming back, right?”
“Of course.” I kneel down in front of him. “What did I tell you last night?”
“That you love me.” Zander smiles, and it makes me feel so bad that I didn’t say it sooner. I should have.
“Yes, I said that. But I also said that I would take care of you. Remember?”
He nods.
“I won’t leave you.” I look pointedly at Mom who just shakes her head as if this whole thing is just a little too melodramatic for her liking. Well, screw her.
“Thank you, Colt,” Zander whispers as I stand up.
“See you soon, champ.” When I reach for the door, my gaze lands on Callie. Her bottom lip is quivering and there are traces of tears in her eyes. It throws me. Shouldn’t she be happy to finally be rid of us? Without thinking on it further, I thrust open the door and step outside. By the time I reach the curb I spot a car racing down the street. When I take in how badly the driver is swerving, I know that it’s Paige.
I step back on the curb as she pulls over and cuts the engine. She hops out of the vehicle and rushes me, practically knocking me over. Her arms circle my neck and she kisses me fiercely.
“Oh, thank God you’re still here!” She nestles into my neck, still gripping me tightly.
“I wasn’t going to leave without saying goodbye to you.” I speak into her hair. Ever since I told her I like it down she seems to wear it like that a lot. The observation reminds me of how much I’m giving up by leaving. If only there was a way to stop this from happening I’d do it. I’d do almost any
thing to stay here with Paige, with Aunt Callie, in a place where Zander feels safe and happy.
“When you told me that your mom was impulsive I was worried. I thought maybe you wouldn’t have a choice but to leave without saying goodbye.”
“I wouldn’t let her.” I brush the hair from her face and kiss her cheeks gently. “There’s no way I could leave without kissing you one last time.”
“One last time?” Panic ravages her features. “I thought you said you were coming back.”
“I will. I just don’t know when. I have to make sure Zander and Bristol are okay before leaving them.” I run my fingertip along her chin.
“When do you leave?”
I sigh. “Today.”
Biting her lip, she nods.
“I have something for you.” I take a step back and pull the letter out of my pocket. “We don’t have a phone at my house. We don’t really have anything that cuts into my parents’ drug money.” Paige’s face darkens at my words, and then I wish I hadn’t said them. “So I thought we could write each other. Here’s my first attempt.” I thrust the paper into her hand. “My address is inside.”
“A letter, huh? How old fashioned.” She smiles.
“I know. Sorry. That’s just the way it has to be right now.”
“No. I was just teasing. I love it.” She steps forward, reaching for me. After drawing me to her, she holds me so tight I can barely breathe. “I’m going to miss this so much.”
“Me too, McAllistor.”
“Whoa. What’s going on here?” My mom’s husky voice cuts into our moment.
I whirl around, irritation surging through my veins. First she comes back here forcing us to leave, and now she can’t even give me one moment alone with Paige to say goodbye? “Mom, this is Paige,” I say through gritted teeth. “My…” Glancing over at Paige, I thread my fingers through hers. “My girlfriend.”
Mom looks stunned. Not that I blame her. I never had a girlfriend back home. “So she’s the reason your brother’s all worried you aren’t coming back with us.”
Anger ignites deep in my gut. “No, Mom, the reason Zander is afraid is because he’s used to people he loves abandoning him.”
“Grow up, Colt.” Mom digs a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket. “No one abandoned him. I’m right here.” She drops a cigarette into her palm, sticks it in her mouth and then yanks out a lighter.
“Yeah, for now,” I say, unable to stop. I’m so angry I can’t even see straight. “But what happens next week or next month? Will you lose your freaking mind and unload us on someone new?”
Mom lights her cigarette and then takes a long drag. “I told you that things will change, Colt. And they will. Now go get your stuff. We’re leaving soon.” She leans against the house, exhaling a string of smoke. “Oh, and it was nice meeting you, Paige. Sorry Colt won’t be around anymore to play house.”
Paige blinks, looking utterly confused by my mom’s behavior. I shake my head and steer Paige away from my mom.
“Sorry about her,” I whisper in Paige’s ear.
“No, don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. God, I can’t believe you have to go home with her.” Paige looks stricken.
“I’ll be fine. I always am.” I marvel at how crazy it is to have someone care about my well-being. I’ve never had that before. Once again I’m struck with the unfairness of all of this.
“So, I see you’re not bothered by labels anymore.” She winks.
I smile at her. “You’re still my only. I like that better than girlfriend, but I feel like other people, especially my mom, wouldn’t get that. So girlfriend seemed like the next best choice.”
“You don’t have to explain it to me. I’m happy to be your girlfriend.”
I nudge her in the arm. “So you better read my letter and write me back.”
“Of course I will. I’ll write to you every day.”
I chuckle. “You don’t have to do that. I still want you to enjoy your life.”
“How can I do that without you?”
“The same way as before.” I stroke her face. “You have Hadley and Tripp and your parents. And I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
She nods, wearing a determined face. God, I’m going to miss her.
I hear the front door open and I turn around. Mom is slipping back inside. Her cigarette is smoldering in the driveway. Before anyone can interrupt us again, I frame Paige’s face with my hands and kiss her with everything I have. With my lips I convey all that I can’t with my words. I pour out my love for her, the promises I won’t give, the future I hope we’ll have one day. And when we finally separate I feel spent, drained, yet exhilarated at the same time.
“I’m going to miss you, Colt,” Paige says, a tremor in her voice.
“Me too, McAllistor.”
After kissing me swiftly one last time she races to her car. I see the tears on her face as she drives away. Averting my gaze, I stare at the front lawn and bite back the sadness rising up in my throat. After a couple of deep breaths, I shove my hands into my pockets and go inside. Zander and Bristol are nowhere to be seen, but I hear hushed voices coming from the kitchen. I inch forward and listen.
“You will not tell me how to raise my children,” Mom snarls.
“Well, someone should,” Callie retorts. “Do you have any idea what you and Adam have done to these kids? Your lifestyle is destroying them. You know I took Bristol to the doctor’s and they said that you used drugs while you were pregnant. That’s why she has so many health problems.”
“Oh, doctors are all idiots. He has no idea what he’s talking about. She’s just colicky. Zander was the same way.”
“You mean to tell me that you weren’t using drugs when you were pregnant, Jocelyn?”
“That’s none of your business.”
I can’t see either of their faces while I stand pressed to the wall that divides the family room and kitchen, but I can picture what they both look like. I can envision my mom’s defensive face and Callie’s stern one.
“It is my business because I care about those kids,” Callie snaps. “More than you and Adam do I’m afraid.”
“That’s bull. You don’t know anything about the love of a mother. Yours was a shitty one and you’ve never had your own children.”
“That’s a pretty low blow, Jocelyn, even for you. But you know what? You can say what you want about my mom because you are exactly like her.”
“How dare you?” I hear a slap, and I can only surmise that Mom just slapped Callie in the face. It angers me and I burst from my hiding spot.
“Don’t you touch her!” I holler at my mom.
Mom recoils from my words. Callie holds a hand to her red cheek. “Oh, you’re defending her now? Wow, this place has really changed you. I see I came just in time. Go get your stuff Colt. We’re getting the hell out of here right now.”
I throw Callie an apologetic look before heading out of the kitchen. Zander is in my room cowering in the corner when I enter.
“Hey, champ, what’s going on?”
“I heard everyone yelling.” He sniffs, lifting his head.
“It’s all over now. Everything’s fine.” I sigh. “But we have to leave now.”
Zander gives me a resigned nod and stands up. As I watch him walk from the room, I want to scream. I want to punch the wall. I want to cry. But I don’t. I calmly grab my bag of stuff in my hand and head back toward the kitchen.
Mom must have gone outside because only Callie remains.
“Hey, Colt. Sorry about all that.”
“It’s okay. I get it. She can be so frustrating.” I take a couple of steps toward her and then pull her into an awkward hug. It’s the first time I’ve touched Callie since I’ve been here and it takes her a minute to respond. “Thanks,” I say, “For everything.”
“Of course.” When I release her she studies my face a minute. “I hate to see you guys leave.”
“I know. It’s been pretty awesome here. Keep an eye on
Paige for me, kay?”
She nods. “Colt, if you want to stay, you’re always welcome here.”
“Yeah, thanks,” I say, even though I know she’s just trying to be nice. I’m sure the minute we’re out of here she’s going to heave the biggest sigh of relief ever. Zander races down the hallway, a bag in his little hand. “I got that, champ.” I take his bag from him, marveling at how light it is. Funny, the three of us have so little belongings.
Callie scoops Zander into her arms and starts whispering in his ear. Both of them start to cry, and that’s when I take my leave. I’m not sure I can survive any more emotional scenes today. Mom is standing against the house taking one last drag off of the end of her cigarette when I emerge from the house. I glance at the beater parked against the curb.
“Is that yours?” We don’t exactly have a family car like most people. My parents just borrow other people’s cars when they need it.
“Yeah. It’s open. You can just throw your stuff in the back.”
I swagger to the car and drop my bag and Zander’s into the trunk, and then slam it closed. The whole car shakes with the effort, and I find myself wondering if this car is capable of taking us all the way back to San Francisco. After riding around for the past month with the worst driver on the planet, you would think car rides wouldn’t scare me anymore. Then again, at least Paige’s car is reliable. At the thought of her my insides churn. How will I survive without her?
I glance back at Aunt Callie’s cute little house and think about how I never really allowed myself to truly enjoy my time here. From the moment I got here I knew it was short lived. So I never really let myself get comfortable. Despite that, I did start a life here. I put down roots in ways I never have anywhere. It’s the first place I made a true friend, it’s the first place I felt secure, and it’s the first place I fell in love. Even though I have no idea how I’ll do it, I know I have to get back here somehow. This town holds my future, my hopes, and my dreams.
I can’t bring myself to look at my brother and sister as Mom drives away from Callie’s house. Bristol screams from her carseat, and Zander hunches over in the backseat sobbing into his hand. The sound wrenches my heart. I stare out the window doing my best to tune it out. The houses and buildings blur past, seeming to mock me.
