by Amber Garza
When Mom merges on the freeway, the reality of the situation crashes over me and I feel sick. We really are leaving. I glance over my shoulder saying a silent goodbye as Mom barrels down the freeway toward San Francisco. Mom’s oldies rock station crackles from the speakers, hurting my ears. I lean down in my seat, resting my head against the torn, stinky vinyl. Closing my eyes, I wish for sleep, but I know it won’t come. Not only is my mind whirring with images of Paige, but the loud music coupled with my siblings’ cries make it impossible to fall asleep. So, I sit up staring out the front window at the rows of cars ahead of us. Mom flicks on her blinker and starts to get over.
I see the car before Mom does. How the hell did she miss it?
“Mom!” I holler just as she crashes into the oncoming car. I hear a snap, a boom, and then everything goes black.
TWENTY-NINE
PAIGE
By the time I reach my house, my face is streaked in tears. I wipe them away frantically with the back of my hand as I rush inside. Sniffling, I reach down and press my hand to my right pocket, fingering the note inside. It gives me comfort, just knowing that Colt’s words are safely tucked away. As I push open the front door, I feel desperate to get to my room and read the letter. My cheeks are tight from crying, my nose and throat raw. I marvel at how quickly I fell for him, how much he’s come to mean to me in such a short period of time.
“Paige?” Mom comes around the corner, concern in her eyes. “You okay?”
“He’s gone, Mom. She just took him away, even though he didn’t want to go.” I press my head into my mom’s chest. Her arms come around me, her hands massaging my head. “And she was so horrible. I can’t even imagine him having to live with her and not Callie.”
“I’m so sorry, honey. Life just isn’t fair sometimes.”
The tears start to fall again. Mom knows better than anyone about the unfairness of life, that’s for sure. Wiping my face again, I look up at Mom. “I just need some time alone.”
Mom nods. “Okay, honey. If you want to chat I’ll be here. And I even have some left over chocolate chip cookies.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I force a smile and then bound up the stairs. When I get to my room, I close the door and drop on my bed. With clumsy fingers, I snatch out the letter and open it. It trembles in my fingers like wings flapping. I set it on my bed and smooth it out with my palms. My gaze connects with Colt’s handwriting, which is nicer than I expected it to be. It’s sweeping, yet legible.
McAllistor,
According to my mom I didn’t start talking until I was three. The doctors thought maybe something was wrong with me. But then one day I just started talking. Still I only spoke when necessary. I’ve always been pretty quiet. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say. It’s just that to me words have meaning, and I don’t want to waste conversation on a bunch of meaningless talk. But when I met you I found myself wanting to talk, wanting to share everything, wanting to expose my feelings and thoughts. I don’t always articulate my feelings well in conversation but writing has always been my escape, my way of putting my feelings to words. So here goes…
I never had a favorite color. In class as a kid the teacher always wanted to know our favorite color. It seemed like such a stupid question. How can you pick just one color out of all the colors and what exactly makes it your favorite? Also, who gives a shit? However, after I met you I understood how a color could have significance, because now I find myself fantasizing about the latest color you streak your hair with, or the intense blue of your eyes, or the pink lipstick you wear. I love those colors because they remind me of you. So now if I were to be asked my favorite color I would have to say blue for Paige’s eyes, or pink for her lipstick, or purple for her streaked hair.
What I’m trying to say is that you’ve changed me, McAllistor. I’m not the jaded, untrusting guy you first met. You’ve opened up my eyes to new things, new feelings, new experiences. And I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you. But I’ll try. With everything I am, with everything I have, I’ll try.
I will miss you every day. Hell, I already do. But I’ll come back to you, so don’t give up on me.
Love you,
Colt
A tear slips down my cheek as I finish reading the letter. I clear my throat and sniff, reaching for a tissue out of the box on my nightstand. After swiping the tissue across my face, I stare down at the paper again. For someone who swears he’s no good with words he sure wrote a beautiful note. I turn over the paper and find the address he scrawled on the back. It’s of an apartment in San Francisco. I try to picture what it must look like. After meeting his mom, I’m sure it’s pretty unsavory, and that twists my stomach.
I pull out a pen and piece of paper and hunch over.
Colt,
I’m with you on the whole favorite color thing. I never had just one favorite color. Why do you think I change the streaks in my hair so often? But when I close my eyes, I picture the rich brown color of your eyes or the bright silver of your lip ring. Mostly I just imagine you.
In the short time I’ve known you, you’ve become one of my favorite people. And that’s not going to change no matter how far away you are, or how long you are gone. I’ll be right here waiting for you.
I miss you so much already. And I love you.
McAllistor
When I set the pen down, I feel a little better. Just knowing that I can write to him anytime makes me feel tied to him somehow. Like he’s closer to me somehow. My cell buzzes, and I yank it out of my pocket.
Hadley: U ok?
Me: Yeah.
Hadley: Is he still here?
Me: No. He left.
Hadley: I’m sorry. Watcha doing?
Me: Reading a letter he gave me.
Hadley: How romantic.
I chuckle. Hadley is all about romance.
Me: Yeah, I guess it is.
Hadley: Need some company?
Me: That would be nice.
Hadley: Be there in a few.
I smile as I drop my phone on the bed. Gathering up the two letters, I carefully fold them and place them on my dresser. I’ll send mine tomorrow. As I assess my tear-stained face, I realize that I really am going to be okay. I’ve got my friends and family, and I just know Colt will come back to me soon.
True to her text, Hadley shows up at my door within ten minutes. She’s also equipped with a romantic comedy and a bag of chocolate candy. I giggle when she shows me the goodies.
“Wow, you brought your emergency supplies, huh?” I tease her.
“I figured I had to bring out the big guns,” she says, thrusting them at me.
“It’s not so bad that I have to watch a sappy romance movie, but I’ll take the chocolate.”
“Okay, but you have to share.” Hadley shrugs. “I mean, Tripp’s still here and everything, but you know how much I love chocolate.”
“Sure.” We both sink down on top of my bed and dig into the chocolate candies. The sweetness melts on my tongue as I toss back a handful.
“Are you really okay?”
I nod, swallowing. “I think so. I mean, he promised to come back and I believe him. So, it’s not technically goodbye.”
Hadley opens her mouth to respond but is cut off with the ringing of my phone.
I throw her an apologetic look as I lean over to check the caller ID. When I see that it’s Callie’s number, my chest tightens. I answer swiftly.
“Paige?” Callie’s voice is strangled, scared.
“Yeah?” I hold my breath.
“There’s been an accident.”
My body numbs. “Please tell me Colt is okay.”
“I just don’t know, Paige. I don’t know anything.” She sounds hysterical. “All I know is that they’re at Mercy.”
“Here in town?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. I’ll meet you there.” I hang up and jump off my bed, wiping chocolate onto the fabric of my shorts.
“What was that about?” Hadley st
ands too.
“Colt’s been in an accident. He’s at Mercy.”
“I’ll drive.” Hadley grabs my hand. Grateful, I follow her in a daze as she guides me downstairs.
Desperate prayers tumble from my lips as I race into the hospital. I spot Callie right away. She’s pacing, her mouth quivering and moisture filling her eyes. My heart sinks.
“Are they okay?”
She shakes her head. “No one is telling me anything yet. I’m waiting on a doctor to come out and talk to me.”
Hadley puts her arm around me. I grab Callie’s hand and hold it tight. It seems that none of us know what to say, but we welcome the affection. The three of us stand that way for several minutes until a nurse comes out and tells us to have a seat and that the doctor will be with us shortly.
As the minutes tick by, my nerves frazzle. I feel like I’m coming undone by the time a doctor saunters over to us, wearing a white lab coat and holding a clipboard.
“Are you related to the Lancaster family?”
Callie jumps up, nodding. Her face is a mask of terror.
“I’m Dr. Farrell.” He juts out a hand, and Callie takes it in hers. “I’ve been caring for your family. I’m happy to report that the three children are in stable condition.”
I exhale, my shoulders relaxing. “Thank God.”
Callie’s hand flies to her mouth, relief evident on her face. “Great. Can I go back to see them now?”
“In a few minutes.” He glances down at Hadley and I still seated. “Are you family as well?”
“They’re with me,” Callie says quickly.
“Okay. I’ll take you back in a minute. But I need to tell you that unfortunately Mrs. Lancaster is in critical condition.” He leans in close. “And I hate to say this, but it seems she may have been under the influence of a controlled substance.”
Callie bites her fingernails, guilt etching her features. I stand, taking her hand, squeezing it for encouragement.
As we follow the doctor down the hallway, I lean over and whisper in Callie’s ear. “This isn’t your fault, you know?”
“I never should’ve let them go with her,” she says quietly.
“You couldn’t have prevented it,” I say more firmly.
“The oldest one is in there.” He points to a door. “The two younger ones are in the pediatric ward.”
Callie looks at me. “You go talk to Colt. I’ll go with the doctor to see Zander and Bristol.”
“Don’t stay too long,” the doctor says to me. “He needs his rest.”
“Okay.” I wipe my clammy hands on my legs. After Callie and the doctor walk away, I turn to Hadley and take a deep breath.
“You’ll be fine.” Hadley pulls me into a hug. “And I’ll be right here if you need me.”
I nod and turn from her. Pressing my palm to the door, I slowly open it and step into the room. The stark white walls close in around me, and I inhale. Memories of my mom being in a hospital room like this surface, and I fight them down. This isn’t the time to lose it. I have to be strong for Colt.
A machine beeps in the corner as I step past the small white curtain that hangs in front of the door. I gasp at the sight of Colt lying in the hospital bed, a white sheet pulled up to his chin. Bandages and tubes are everywhere, and his face is a little swollen. I stumble forward and reach for his hand.
His eyes pop open, and a slow smile spreads across his face. “See? Didn’t I tell you I’d come back, McAllistor?”
“That’s not funny,” I scold him.
“C’mon.” He reaches his arm up to touch me. “Don’t be sad. I’m fine. The doctor said in a couple of weeks I’ll be good as new.” Then his eyes darken. “How are Zander and Bristol? The nurses won’t tell me a thing.”
“They’re fine. Callie’s with them.” I bite my lip, hoping he doesn’t ask me about his mom. I decide to keep him talking about other things. “How did this happen?”
“Mom was getting over into another lane on the freeway and she drove straight into another car. I have no idea how she didn’t see him. It was on her side.”
I think about what Dr. Farrell said about his mom being on drugs. “Well, you’re okay. That’s all that matters.”
“What about Mom? Did they tell you how she is?”
“Um…” I so don’t want to be the one to tell him, but it doesn’t look like I have a choice. “She’s in critical condition, Colt. I’m sorry.”
His gaze drops, so I can’t read the expression in his eyes. I stroke his fingers. “But I know the doctors are doing all they can. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”
He nods, glancing up at me. “Thank you for coming.”
“Of course,” I say. “Nothing could keep me away.” My lips tremble, and tears blur my vision.
“Hey, none of that.”
“I’m sorry.” I clear my throat and stare at the wall in an effort to keep my emotions in check. “It’s just that I was so scared. I thought I lost you.”
“I made you a promise, right?”
I nod.
“It’s the first promise I’ve made in my entire life. I would’ve done anything in my power not to break that promise.”
I lean over and kiss him on the cheek, careful not to hurt him. “The doctor said I can’t keep you long because you need your rest. But I’ll be back, okay?”
“I’ll be right here.” He smiles. “I don’t really have any other choice.”
I chuckle and turn away.
“Hey.” His hand grips my wrist. “Did you read the letter?”
“Yeah.” I peer down at him. “And I wrote you back. I’ll bring it when I visit next time.”
“Sounds good.” He releases my arm as his eyelids lower a little and he yawns.
“Get some rest, Colt. I love you,” I say gently before slipping out of the room. When I get out into the hall I see Callie racing in our direction, a grim look on her face.
“How is Colt?” she asks when she reaches me.
“He’s good.” I shrug as Hadley steps toward us. “Tired. He was asking about the others though. I guess no one’s really keeping him updated.”
“Oh.” Callie’s face falls and my stomach coils.
“Zander and Bristol are okay. Right?” I don’t think Colt could handle it if something happened to one of them.
“Yeah. They’re okay. Zander has a couple broken bones. Bristol’s car seat protected her. Apparently Jocelyn took the biggest hit.” Callie snorts. “Funny how she never protected those kids her entire life until the very end.”
My mouth goes dry. “What?”
She locks eyes with mine, and then I know. “She didn’t make it, Paige.”
My knees buckle. Hadley’s arm comes around me, steadying me. I lean against her for support. This is all my fault. I wished for it. I was so angry that my mom was sick and Jocelyn wasn’t. I wished for the worst and it happened. How will I ever face Colt again?
“Do you want to tell him?” Callie asks me.
“Me? No way.” I shake my head, as my throat closes up.
“Okay. I’ll do it. I just don’t want him to hear it from a nurse or doctor.”
Dizzy, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I have to go.” Blindly, I turn around.
“Paige? Are you okay?” Callie’s voice sounds far away, almost like she’s in a tunnel. I worry that I’m going to pass out.
“Fine. I just have to go.” With Hadley’s arm still holding me up, I walk away from Colt, wondering if I’ll ever have the courage to come back. When we reach Hadley’s mom’s car I slip inside and put my head between my legs, still afraid I’m going to pass out. I feel lightheaded, and spots fill my vision.
“What’s going on?” Hadley asks, the minute she slides into the driver’s seat.
“It’s my fault, Hadley.” I sit up fast, enduring major head rush.
“The accident? You had nothing to do with that.” She furrows her brows in confusion.
“No. It’s my fault his mom is dead.�
��
Hadley cocks her head to the side. “That doesn’t make sense.”
“I wished for it, Hads. I was so mad that Colt’s mom had treated her children so badly, but she was healthy, and yet my mom…” A sob bursts through my words, cutting me off.
Hadley rubs my back. “Hey, Paige. It’s normal to have those kind of thoughts. It is unfair that your mom is sick when bad people walk around completely healthy. You’re not the first person to think that. And you certainly didn’t kill Colt’s mom just by thinking that.”
“I know, but I did think it. That’s the point. How can I tell him I’m sorry his mom died when I thought about before it happened? I practically wished for it? What kind of crazy person does that?”
“A compassionate person.”
I stare at her dumbfounded.
“Paige, you care about Colt and his siblings. That’s why your heart ached for what their parents put them through. And you’re sad about your mom’s illness because you love her so much. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I just don’t know what to do,” I whisper. “I don’t know how Colt will get through this.”
“He will. Trust me. You know everything that Tripp went through last year, right?”
I nod, thinking about the whole horrible ordeal.
“He got through it, Paige, because I was there to help him. And you will be there for Colt. Don’t let your guilt about one fleeting thought stop you from helping him. You’ll regret it if you do.”
“You’re right.” I wipe my drippy nose with the back of my hand and rest my head against the seat. “Thanks, Hads.”
“Sure.” She rubs my back one last time and then drops her hand. “Do you want to go back inside now?”
I shake my head. “No. I want to go home first. I have something for Colt.”
“Okay.” Hadley starts the car and then pulls out of the parking lot. As we drive away from the hospital I think about how life can change in an instant without any warning at all.
