The Way Back To Me (Back To Me #1)

by Anne Mercier

  "The guilt is always there. So is the pain. I don't think they’ll ever go away, but when I was out with Cam, for just a few hours I was able to forget."

  "And, of course, you being you, that made you feel guilty," she answers.

  I nod, rubbing my forehead with my hand. "But your brother set me straight."

  "Really."

  It's more of a statement than a question.

  "Yep. He's not at all who I thought he was."

  "People always underestimate him. What'd he do to change your way of thinking?" she asks, leaning forward.

  "He told me about your mom."

  She gasps. "He what?"

  "Told me about your mom?" I question.

  "What did he say? He never tells anyone about Louise."

  Something clicks and I look at Alexa. "You know, growing up you used to say things like, 'We need to get home before Louise gets mad'. I always assumed Louise was a nanny or babysitter."

  Alexa's entire demeanor changed the minute I brought up her mother, and I hate the reason why.

  "Nope, that was our mother. I'm just so surprised he told you."

  "I kinda boxed him in a corner," I admit.

  She shrugs. "You boxed him in a corner before and he didn't tell you all of it. In fact, he kissed you and—"

  "Yes, yes, I remember," I tell her with a glare. I grab our coffee cups and bring them over for refills. "This time we were in public."

  "I can't imagine that stopping Cam, not if he really wanted to avoid the topic."

  "I suppose. But he told me and, God, Alexa, I had no idea. You never said anything." I hand her her coffee and sit back down across from her.

  "It's not something you want to talk about. We weren't best friends, you had the Fab Five, and I hung in a different crowd."

  "But you never told anyone?"

  "Nope. And I never would have if Cam had kept his big blabber mouth shut."

  "I'm glad he told me. I never would have understood—really understood what was going on with him if he hadn't. If we ever have to get out of the dorms for the holiday or summer and you don't want to stay with your—Louise, you can stay at my house. My parents won't even ask why. They'll just invite you in and give you a room," I offer. What I feel isn't pity or sympathy. It's disgust that someone's mother could do that to their child.

  "Thanks, Liv. Really." More silence. I suppose she's processing everything. I know it threw me for a loop when Cam mentioned it and I'm still not done working it out in my head.

  "No thanks needed."

  "What are you wearing to the costume party, tonight?" she asks.

  "Huh? What costume party?"

  "The one my brother's taking you to at the frat."

  "Um, he never mentioned it was a costume party."

  She snickers. "That's because he's trying to get out of wearing a costume."

  "And you're not letting him."

  "Nope."

  "Damn. I could have gotten out of it too."

  She laughs an evil laugh. "As if I'd let that happen."

  I eye her closely and sigh. "You already have my costume picked out, don't you?"

  She smirks. "I might."

  "I'm not flashing boob or butt tonight," I tell her.

  "But—"

  "Deal breaker."

  "Fine. Plan B."

  Jesus. Plan B? "What was Plan A?"

  She grins at me again. "It doesn't matter now, does it?"

  "You're lucky I like you."

  She lets out a laugh as she heads to the bathroom.

  My phone beeps a text alert and look to see "Unknown Caller". Who on earth…

  Unknown: Morning.

  Me: I think you have the wrong number.

  I bite my lip as I press send.

  Unknown: Nope. Right number, right girl.

  Me: Who is this?

  Unknown: Someone so hot they set you on fire.

  I roll my eyes. The hell…

  Me: Satan?

  Unknown: LOL Nice, but not quite.

  Me: Satan's underling?

  Unknown: Pffft. I'm no one's under-anything—correction. I'd be your under-thing.

  I snort.

  Me: In your dreams, pal.

  Unknown: True story right there.

  I narrow my eyes, still unsure. For a minute I thought it was Sebastian, then maybe Cam, but now I don't know.

  Me: Who is this?

  Unknown: Forget the name of your dates that easily? Shame on you, Livvy.

  Cameron. I grin.

  Me: Not just a date, a perv.

  Cam: There's no denying that. You ready for tonight?

  Me: Seeing as it's 8:30 in the morning, no.

  Cam: You're one of those morning people aren't you?

  Me: Ha. Far from it.

  Me: Are you aware your sister has costumes picked out for us?

  Cam: Damn it! Couldn't talk her out of it, huh?

  Me: Are you kidding? It's Alexa.

  Cam: She better not put me in any fucking tights.

  I snort at that.

  Me: Superman wears tights.

  Cam: Superman's a pussy. Batman's the shit.

  Me: It's all because of the belt, isn't it?

  Men. So predictable.

  Cam: Hell yeah. That, the Batmobile, and grappling hooks.

  Me: Oh boy.

  Cam: Stop rolling your eyes.

  I snicker.

  Cam: Do you know what she's got planned?

  Me: No clue. I did tell her there'd be no boob or butt showing though.

  Cam: Why'd you go and say a thing like that?

  Me: And there's that perv part of you again.

  Cam: It can't be held down for long. It's like the Force.

  Me: Are you kidding? Did you just compare your pervertedness to the Force?

  Cam: You know Star Wars?

  I roll my eyes.

  Me: Seriously. Nerd I am. Star Wars I know.

  Cam: Damn. Very nice, Yoda.

  Me: Thank you, nerd.

  Cam: Not all people who like Star Wars are nerds. Not very nice labeling people like that.

  Me: Oh get over yourself. You just don't want to admit you've got a nerdy side.

  Cam: Football players are not nerds.

  Me: Football players who like Star Wars, Batman, the Batmobile, and grappling hooks r nerds!

  Cam: You may have me there.

  Me: I've so got you, Cameron Stone.

  Cam: …

  What does that mean?

  Me: ???

  Cam: You're better off not knowing.

  Me: You are so weird.

  Cam: You keep saying that.

  Me: Because it's true.

  Cam: Moving along.

  I snicker again.

  Cam: What's she making us wear?

  Me: I have no idea. She won't tell me. All she said was Plan B because I won't show as much skin as she wants.

  Cam: Damn shame too.

  Cam: Stop rolling your eyes.

  Cam: You still want to go tonight?

  Me: Do you?

  Cam: Yep. Just making sure you're okay with it.

  Me: I'm fine.

  Cam: Yes you are.

  I laugh out loud at his audacity.

  Me: What has gotten into you?

  Cam: *insert inappropriate joke getting into you later*

  Me: Oh dear God. You did not just…

  I can't hold back my laughter. Alexa walks in with a grin.

  "I could hear you giggling over the noise of my electric toothbrush. What's so funny?" she asks.

  "Your brother."

  "Nothing new there. What's he done to get you laughing like that?"

  I shake my head. "He's outrageous this morning."

  She reads the texts and laughs with me. "Wow. What got—nevermind that question."

  I laugh.

  Cam: You disappear on me?

  Me: Your sister distracted me.

  Cam: Ask her about the costumes.

  Alexa gra
bs my phone.

  Me: It's your sister and my answer is—you'll see!

  Cam: Tell me already. You know I hate not knowing.

  Me: Deal with it.

  Alexa hands me my phone and walks to her room.

  Me: That was Lex. She's not budging.

  Cam: I'll find a way.

  Me: Good luck. Let me know if it works.

  Cam: Will do.

  I rinse our coffee cups and set them on the rack to dry then go to my room to get ready for class. My phone beeps again.

  Cam: Have a good day.

  Me: You too.

  I sit on the edge of my bed and shake my head. I lift my gaze and study my reflection in the mirror, noticing I'm smiling like I haven't since… My smile fades a bit and I look to the photo of me and Danny resting on my desk.

  "I wish you were here. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I didn't feel guilty every time I laugh," I tell him. "I wish I could go back to that night and change everything."

  I grab the teddy bear Danny gave me when we were kids and hug it close, closing my eyes. I can almost feel him—almost. I can still hear his laugh, picture his face, and remember his touch.

  "I don't know how to do this without you," I whisper.

  Just live. It sounds so much like him saying the words but I know I willed them into my mind.

  Live.

  My eyes pop open. That time it wasn't me.

  "I don't know how to live without you," I confess and I can almost see his lopsided smile.

  You can do this. Live. Live for me.

  I gasp, my heart aching and beating fast—so fast. The room grows colder and the scent of him fades. I inhale the teddy bear and the scent is stale, almost gone.

  "Come back."

  I'm always here. Live, Olivia. This time it's a whisper so distant I barely hear it, yet the tone serious and almost demanding.

  "It's so hard without you, Danny—without all of you." I let the tears fall, knowing it's better to purge them out than to hold them in. Holding them in makes it hurt worse.

  He wants me to live. To live for him. He doesn't ask for much, does he?

  I wipe the tears only to have more take their place.

  "I'll try," I whisper brokenly and a ray of sunlight streams into the room, falling over my bare skin, warming me. "I promise."

  The sun shines bright and full outside where just a few moments ago the sky was overcast.

  "Pretty neat trick."

  I swear I can hear Danny, Cassidy, Simon, and Phillip laughing and I give in to the smile tugging my lips.

  "Fab Five forever," I whisper, wiping the last of my tears, digging deep for the courage to live like they've asked me to.

  I promised.

  I never break a promise.

  ***

  "You have got to be kidding," Cam growls from Alexa's bedroom. I have no idea what she picked out for him, but I can't complain about my costume. It's a Prospect University Warriors football uniform—without the pads—complete with socks and cleats with the spikes removed. Alexa decided to forego the helmet—thankfully—and is having me wear my hair up in a ponytail instead.

  "I'm not kidding, Cameron Stone. You will wear that costume," Alexa bosses and I snicker as I put some of what Alexa called "war paint" under my eyes. Just a strip on each cheekbone she said. It's sticky and a bit oily and will likely give me a big damn pimple on each cheek, but it sounds like I got the better end of the costumes.

  "Or what?" Cam taunts.

  "You know what," Alexa replies and I hear a door slam.

  Oh boy. She walks into the bathroom with a smirk.

  "Alexa…"

  "Don't even start. He owes me. This is the least he can do for you too after what he did to you," she says. I look at her confused and she makes a vulgar gesture with her fingers.

  "Oh my God," I reply and start blushing.

  "What?" she shrugs. "It's the truth."

  "I can't believe you just said—did that."

  She shrugs again. "You got the war paint on. Looks good."

  "It's greasy."

  "Yeah, but we can put some loose powder over it. You used that cream and powder for underneath, right?" she asks me. When she handed me the black grease—I'm calling it grease—she also gave me some special cream and powder her friend used when she wore a costume like this last year.

  "I did."

  "Good. Hopefully you won't break out."

  "If I do, I'm kicking your ass," I warn.

  She rolls her eyes.

  "I mean it!" I insist.

  "I'm sure you do, but you're all skin and bones and very little muscle. I like my chances."

  "Bitch," I tease.

  "That's me," she replies, brushing off the insult as if it hadn't been voiced. "Turn around."

  I do as she tells me and immediately regret it. Her hands are cupping my ass.

  "What are you doing?" I laugh.

  "Seeing how tight your ass is."

  I bat her hands away. "Knock it off. The pants are nice and tight, my panties work well with these pants, and my ass looks awesome."

  "You do have a great ass." She twists around. "Mine's flat which is why I rarely wear jeans."

  "Can't say as I've ever noticed," I tease.

  "I make up for it in boobs, though. I've got a great rack," she tells me, cupping her breasts in her hands and giving them a small squeeze.

  "What the hell is going on with you?"

  She sighs. "That guy?"

  I nod.

  "History."

  "Aww, I'm sorry, Lex."

  "Eh. At least I'm not you, dating my brother."

  "Yes, that is a very good thing because it would be wrong on so many levels."

  She laughs. "I said, at last I'm not you."

  "He's not so bad," I admit, then remember, "besides, they're all fake anyway."

  "Mhmm," she says, giving me a sidelong glance as she twists her hair up into some obscure up-do, then begins pinning it into place. That's gonna take a while.

  "Whatever, Alexa. What happened with the guy?"

  "He wasn't boyfriend material."

  "Meaning?"

  "Meaning he was banging some other chick while he was screwing me."

  Oh, ouch. "Tell me you didn't walk in on them."

  She looks at me and tilts her head, her expression devoid of emotion. "I didn't walk in on them."

  "Oh no."

  "At least it wasn't anyone I know," she says, adding more pins to her hair. After one last pin, she turns to me. "If I wanted to come I had to be on top. I don't think he could find the clitoris with a map and an X to mark the spot."

  At that, I burst out laughing and I laugh so hard have to shove Alexa out the bathroom door or I'm going to pee my pants.

  ***

  I've just finished tying the ribbon on the back of Alexa's faux wedding gown when there's a knock on the door.

  "Oh, let me," she squeaks out as she makes a mad dash for the door. I follow quickly on her heels. I have got to see Cam's face when he sees her.

  She opens the door and Cam recoils, a horrified look on his face and a sound of fear mixed with disgust comes from him. I laugh. Alexa's the perfect zombie bride. Her dress and hair are stylish, but her makeup? Holy cow. She looks… dead. Like, decayed dead. I don't know how she managed it, but she did and in less than an hour.

  When I look back at Cam, I start to grin, taking in the blonde pigtails wig he's wearing, the blue eye shadow, the red lipstick that clashes with his skin tone, the too-heavy blush he swiped on in a line. If that isn't funny enough, I work my way down to the V-cut cheerleading sweater—how Alexa found one big enough to fit Cam is beyond me, even if this one is skin tight. His skirt is way too short and his press on nails are on crooked.

  Down, down, to his hairy legs—this I laugh out loud at earning a glare from our fair cheerleader—his bobby socks and cheerleading sneakers.

  "Oh, I can't take it," I tell them, bending over as I laugh. "Where did you find shoes big e
nough?"

  Alexa's grinning. "I have my ways."

  Cam pouts. "This is bullshit, Lex, and you know it."

  "You said no tights. You aren't wearing tights," she points out.

  He looks at me and his mouth kicks up in a half grin. "You're a little scrawny to try to be me."

  I'm wearing his jersey—again, all Alexa's doing, though, I kinda like it.

  "Don't I know it. Your thighs are as big as my waist."

  "From all that running and working out," Alexa notes. "We better get going or we're going to be late."

  I nod. "Um, Cam, did you want to carry the purse tonight?"

  "Fuck off," he mutters and I laugh again. When he starts walking down the hallway, I turn to Alexa. "Aren't you at least going to fix his blush?"

  She shakes her head. "Are you kidding me? That's some good shit right there. I'll be taking pictures."

  "I almost feel sorry for him," I mutter and Alexa makes the vulgar finger gesture again. I let out a laugh. "I said almost."

  She nods and we hurry to catch up to Cam.

  This is going to be so much fun.

  CHAPTER 12

  "The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise.

  It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us."

  - Ashley Montague

  Cameron

  I can't believe I'm wearing this shit. I reach down for what feels like the hundredth time since I've gotten dressed and pull my underwear out of my ass. These spank pants are giving me wedgies. How can chicks wear this shit?

  "Du-ude," Dekker calls out with a laugh. "Oh, this is epic shit right here."

  "Fuck off. Who are you supposed to be anyway? A farmer?" I ask, taking in his overalls that are only buckled on one side, bare chest and feet.

  He scoffs. "No, man. I'm Pinocchio. That way, later, when the chicks have had enough alcohol to loosen them up, I can ask them to make me lie so my dick grows longer."

  At that I laugh. "Only you, Dekker. Only you."

  "I wear that badge with pride!" he shouts and takes another chug of punch.

  Olivia comes up behind me and flips up my skirt—that sounds so fucked up. My skirt. Then she shocks the shit out of me and smacks my ass.

  "Pervert!" I call out, pointing at her. She reaches down between her legs and grabs her nonexistent package.

  "You know it, babe."

  She tries to make her voice deep but fails miserably. I just grin.

  "I never flipped up your skirt," I tell her.

  She nods. "I can't help it if I'm more clever than you."