I Love You to Death

by Natalie Ward

  He’s still smiling. "Cool, I was just on the phone, but I’m glad they caught you. Do you remember everyone?"

  I unconsciously lick my lips. My mouth feels very dry so I take a sip of beer. Luke watches me. I feel like all of them are watching me.

  "Yeah, I remember them, sort of. I’m surprised they remembered me actually."

  Luke laughs, a little red creeping onto his cheeks. "Yeah you know, the party, plus they’ve been in to work before, and I guess they all saw you at our show too."

  I’m confused. I don’t remember ever seeing them in the shop and I’m still surprised I would even be that memorable for them. I’m about to ask Luke, when Jared interrupts us.

  "We should get going soon boys, Ash you’re coming with us right?"

  I turn to look at Jared and see he’s smiling at me like it’s obvious I’ll be going. Luke leans over and I feel his warm breath as he whispers in my ear, "We’re going to watch a band, some friends of ours. Come with us."

  It’s a statement, not a question.

  I feel my hand tighten around the cold glass in response to his words. I don’t know what’s going on here. Jared and the others are all looking at me and smiling. Luke has pulled his head back, but I can feel the heat of his arm behind me. Finally someone speaks as though to diffuse the situation.

  "Yeah you should definitely come with us, hang out, it’ll be fun."

  What to do. What should I do?

  ∞

  On the last morning of our stay with my grandparents, as I made my way downstairs, I found both Seth and Grandad waiting for me. I must have stopped right in my tracks, because Seth just laughed when he saw me and said, "What, you think I’m gonna keep letting you have all the fun?"

  I glanced over at Grandad who was standing by the door, his jacket still hanging on the hook. "But you’re coming too, right Grandad?"

  "Up to you Ash, I’ll come if you want," he said. "Or do you just want to go with Seth today?"

  I glanced over at Seth who simply shrugged as though he didn’t care what happened. I didn’t want to have to choose between them, but I didn’t want one of them to not come either, so I said the only thing I could say. "Both of you come."

  We did a couple of runs down the hill together, Seth always beating me because he was fearless and would fly down without even thinking about how to stop at the bottom. Grandad kept helping me pull my sled back up the hill, but after a few runs I could see he was getting tired and now seemed to be having trouble breathing.

  "Are you okay Grandad?" I asked.

  He could only nod at me as he tried to catch his breath which was blowing out in irregular puffs of white frost in front of him.

  "Maybe you should sit down for a minute Pop," Seth said, coming over and wrapping his arm around my shoulders. "I’ll do this one with Smash."

  Grandad nodded and we left him sitting at the top of the hill as once again, we flew down it. When we got back to the top, he seemed better. He was breathing more normally now and smiling as he saw us. "Alright kiddo, let’s go again."

  "Are you sure you’re okay Grandad?" I asked.

  "Never better," he answered smiling.

  So the three of us set off once more down the hill, Seth as usual getting to the bottom first and then followed by me. When we both turned back to look for Grandad who was always the slowest, he waved at us. As we were waving back, we watched as his hand suddenly went to his chest and his head bent forward. I remember calling out, "Grandad," but not sure if it was even loud enough to reach him.

  And then I remember Seth dropping his sled and running up the hill towards Grandad who had suddenly veered sideways as his sled turned over and Grandad fell off it.

  I remember Seth turning back to me, a look of terror on his face as he yelled, "Run Ash, run, go and get Dad."

  I remember standing there, frozen on the spot, watching Grandad as he lay on the cold snow clutching his chest. I wanted to go to him, see if he was alright. He wasn’t moving at all and the only thought I had was how cold he must be, lying there on the snow.

  "Run Ash. RUN!" Seth screamed at me.

  And then I remember running. I remember running and running and the hard burn in my legs as I just kept telling myself to run. When I finally reached the backdoor, I ran inside screaming for Dad. He came rushing in from the living room.

  "Asha, slow down, what’s wrong sweetie, what’s wrong?"

  My breath was coming out in hard puffs, almost like Grandad’s had been before that last run. "It’s Grandad, something’s wrong!" I finally managed to get out. "Seth, he...Seth said to....to come and get you."

  Dad took off out the back door, not even stopping to pull on his coat. I raced after him, desperate for everything to be alright. Dad turned back to me as we neared the bottom of the hill. "Go Ash, go and tell Grandma to call 911."

  "But Daddy!"

  "Go Ash, now!"

  I ran back to the house, my legs near collapse as I raced inside to find Grandma.

  Then I remember the lights and sirens. The ambulance as it pulled down their long drive and stopped in front of the house. The men in green uniforms, who emerged running to where Dad and Seth were still crouched over Grandad’s body. I remember seeing all of this from the living room window, Grandma standing behind me with her arms around my shoulders. Eventually, Grandad was lifted and taken to the ambulance and when I saw this, I pulled myself from Grandma’s arms and ran outside to see him. Seth grabbed me before I got to him though and the last thing I remember were words, spoken quietly to my Dad. Half caught phrases like exertion, heart attack, too much, over did it.

  I remember Grandad coming with me every morning to go sledding when no one else would. How he would always pull my sled back up the hill every time, before racing back down with me, both of us laughing as we slid to a stop at the bottom. Grandad would never stop, just kept going up and down that hill until it was me who was exhausted and wanted to go inside.

  But I remember him having to sit down and rest before that last run we all took down the hill together.

  I remember choosing for him to come with me that morning, even though Seth was already up for once.

  It wasn’t until later that I realised what any of this really meant, that I realised what’d happened that morning and what I’d really done to him.

  ∞

  I go.

  I try to tell myself it’s because I love live music, not because I don’t want to go home or that I might want to spend it with Luke. It’s the music, only the music and that’s why I’m going.

  We finish our drinks and they all refuse my offer of cash before we head out into the night. Luke falls into step beside me, the other three somehow ending up in front of us. We don’t say anything for a while. I’m trying to think of something to say. I feel nervous with his friends around now. Nervous they might be watching us, that they’re waiting for something to happen.

  "So this band," I start off with. "They’re friends of yours?"

  Luke turns to me smiling. "Yeah, couple of guys Jared and I met years ago when we were first getting started. They’re pretty cool, different to us, but I think you’ll like them."

  We continue in silence. Night has fallen now and it’s starting to get cooler, the warmth of the coming spring not quite extending to the evenings. I wrap my arms around myself. I wish I’d brought a jacket.

  "Are you cold?" Luke asks me, half taking his jacket off as though he’s about to give it to me. I shake my head, despite the shiver than runs through me. I am cold, but it’s not just that. It’s something else, something that’s entirely unexpected. It’s the temptation of wearing his jacket, of wrapping myself in something of his, something that smells like him, is warm like him.

  Almost as if it is him.

  The words run through my head before I can stop them. It sends another shiver through me. Why am I even thinking this?

  "You are cold," is all Luke says as he takes his jacket off and wraps it around me anyway. All a
t once I’m enveloped in warmth and that now familiar smell of him. I slide my arms into the sleeves and pull his jacket around me, wrapping myself in it, my arms tight around my torso to stop my body from revealing the truth. Somewhere inside of me something moves, and I have to force myself not to look at him to see if he’s noticed.

  We finally arrive at a bar and when we approach the guy on the door, he smiles as though he knows them. Luke hands him some money and turns to me, "You’re all set."

  I start to protest, but he just smiles at me and says, "Its okay, my shout Ash," gesturing for me to go inside.

  We get stamped and we go in. It’s hot inside the club and I reluctantly take Luke’s jacket off. I’m walking behind Jared, Ben and Steve. Luke is walking behind me now. I can feel his hand lightly pressing on my lower back as though he’s guiding me, but also letting me know he’s still there. As we walk towards the bar, all I can feel is the heat of his fingers through my top and the strange feeling it’s now creating inside me. I wonder if I should’ve left his jacket on.

  Suddenly his breath is in my ear again. "What would you like to drink?" he asks, his fingers still resting on my back.

  I half turn. "No, this time it’s my shout Luke," I say. We’re face to face. Our mouths only inches apart. Close enough to kiss. I flinch back a little without meaning to.

  He just looks at me and smiles. His eyes watch me intently as I wait for his answer and they look as though they’re glowing in the dim lights of the club. He seems so different tonight. "I’ll just have a beer, thanks," he eventually answers.

  I nod and step towards the bar, tucking his jacket into my bag. I feel the absence of his fingers on my back immediately, but force myself to take a deep breath and order. I buy beers for all of us and then we find a spot amongst the crowd and wait. Luke is standing beside me. Again I can’t help but notice that he’s taller than me as he leans down to tell me about the band. I’m half listening to him and half distracted by his mouth at my ear, his breath as it moves across my skin. I can feel goose bumps across the back of my neck.

  Everything seems different tonight.

  When the band eventually comes on, the crowd surges forward. I feel Luke move and stand almost behind me. I can feel the heat and the touch of his body, gently pressing against mine as people crowd around us. I see Jared look over and smile at me. I think I see him wink at Luke.

  I take a sip of my drink and turn back to face the band. Suddenly I want to hold the cold bottle against my skin. Cool everything down for a minute. It’s very hot in here and Luke’s body gently pressing against mine, is making me hotter. My skin feels like it’s on fire but I can’t bring myself to move away from him. I rest the beer bottle against the base of my throat, trying to cool down.

  Luke is right, they are different, but I do like them. They’re much more hard rock than Infinity and their beat is almost deafening at times. After about twenty minutes though, a slower number comes on. When it starts, Luke leans down from behind me, his hand resting on my shoulder, his thumb lightly brushing against my neck as he puts his mouth to my ear and says, "This is one of my favourites." For just a second, his lips actually touch my skin and a thousand shivers run down my spine in response. At the same time, a guy walks over carrying more beers and hands one to Luke and one to me. Luke’s hand stays on my shoulder as he straightens up, takes his beer and then turns to me and says, "Ash, this is Pete, you met him at the party. Pete you remember Ash?"

  Pete smiles at me and says, "Hey, nice to see you again."

  I can’t remember him at all but I smile back, raise my drink at him and say, "Nice to see you too, thanks for the beer."

  Pete smiles again, says something to Luke that I can’t hear and then gesturing with the remaining beers, walks over to where Jared, Ben and Steve are chatting to a couple of girls who have wandered past. I turn and watch them and see Steve’s face light up when he notices Pete walking over. I watch as Pete leans in and kisses him as he hands him a beer, before draping his arm around Steve’s shoulders. I watch as Steve smiles and almost imperceptibly tilts his body into Pete’s in response. I watch as both Jared and Ben say hi to Pete and take their beers before turning back to the girls. I smile and turn back, realising I’m standing alone with Luke again. I glance up at him and see he’s smiling too, watching them and watching me. He gently squeezes my shoulder then slowly takes his hand away, his fingers brushing the skin of my neck again as he does. My stomach clenches as I realise I wanted him to leave his hand there.

  Everything is very different, but suddenly whatever it was about tonight that felt strange; doesn’t anymore. Suddenly, something feels very right, very normal and all so strangely natural in fact. To be here with his friends like this. Included with them on a night out, that just feels like a completely regular night. For me to be standing here, with Luke’s body gently pressing against mine in a room full of people who are completely unaware of this contact between us. For him to lean down and whisper words in my ear that no one else can hear. For me to be feeling this way about it all and no one else even notice it.

  I close my eyes and listen. Hear the words and the music. Try to find out what it is about this song that Luke likes. The melody is haunting. The lyrics are incredibly moving. It’s a song about love and loss and recovery and it’s heart wrenching and full of emotion. It kind of makes me want to cry. When it finishes, and the next song starts, I open my eyes and find Luke watching me again.

  Waiting.

  I look right at him, press up on my toes and put my mouth to his ear. His hand moves now and rests lightly against the small of my back as though he’s holding me there, close to him.

  "I like it," I finally say, my voice almost a whisper.

  When I pull back, he’s looking right at me, his eyes watching mine as he nods his head a little, like he understands what I’ve just done. I feel like he can see right inside of me and I wonder what he’s thinking, what he sees when he looks at me like that.

  I also wonder exactly what it is that’s going on between us right now, because everything really does feel different tonight.

  ∞

  We ended up staying in Maine longer than usual this time. We had to because Grandad’s funeral wasn’t until the following weekend. I can remember Dad hugging me so tightly after they’d taken Grandad away, squeezing me and asking, "Are you alright Asha, are you alright?"

  I pulled back to look at him, saw the tears falling down his face and all I could say was, "Are you okay Daddy?" as my fingers tried to brush them away.

  He smiled sadly at me then and pulled me into another hug. Seth was standing close by, tears streaming down his face too and I remember thinking it was the first time I’d ever seen both my Dad and my brother crying. I wasn’t and I don’t know why my tears wouldn’t come. I was sad, I was heartbroken, but nothing would come out. Seth walked over and put his arms around us and I heard my Dad whisper, "I’m proud of you Seth, really proud of you, of both of you."

  I had no idea how he could be proud of me, I’d done nothing but run. It was Seth who went to him, Seth who tried to help. All I’d done is run. All I’d done was ask Grandad to come in the first place, even when I didn’t have to.

  At the funeral, Grandma stood with her arms around me the whole time, just like she had when we watched them take Grandad away. I don’t know why, but the one thing I remember, is her holding me tightly and me looking up and seeing the tears stream down her face too. I glanced over and saw tears on Dad’s face, tears on my brother’s face. Still there were no tears on mine. I desperately wanted to cry, wanted to prove that I was sad too. I didn’t know if something was wrong with me or that people would think I wasn’t sad that Grandad had died. But no matter how hard I tried, the tears wouldn’t fall.

  It wasn’t until the morning after the funeral, when I woke early again and bounded down the stairs and discovered Grandad’s jacket on the hook hanging next to mine, our boots lined up side by side at the door, both of our sleds propped up
against the porch, but no Grandad. It wasn’t until I saw all of this and finally realised he wasn’t ever going to be up waiting for me again that I was finally able to let go and cry.

  When I finally understood Grandad was never coming back, then the tears started to fall. And for a long time it seemed like they would never stop.

  ∞

  A week after seeing his friend’s band, I’m at work when a woman, probably around my age, comes in to ask for Luke.

  I have no idea who she is but she’s very pretty. Taller than me and really well dressed in designer jeans and a fitted white shirt. Without meaning to, I already dislike her. I go and get Luke. When he comes out, I watch as his face lights up when this woman yells, "Surprise!" to him. He immediately pulls her into his arms, picking her up as she wraps her arms around him too. I’m positively seething now, even though I have no excuse to be feeling this way and no idea why I do.

  I’m still staring at them when Luke puts her down and turns to me, his arm draped across her shoulders. "Ash, meet my baby sister, Mia."

  Oh. His sister. Right.

  "Ha, baby sister, how about younger sister thank you." Mia responds playfully punching Luke in the stomach. He laughs and wraps his other arm around her, pulling her into another hug.

  I feel strangely jealous now. I can’t help it. I don’t know if it’s because he and his sister are so close just like Seth and I once were, or because she’s allowed to touch him like that. Maybe it’s both, a stupid voice inside my head tells me.

  "You are a baby sometimes Mia. Anyway, this is Ash." Luke says, gesturing to me smiling.

  "Ah, Ash," Mia says cryptically, looking up at Luke before extending her hand to me. "Nice to finally meet you Ash."

  "You too," I reply shaking her hand, confused at what she means by finally. "Are you visiting from somewhere?" I ask, trying to be nice.

  "Yeah, Chicago, just for the weekend though."