I Love You to Death

by Natalie Ward

  "She’s finally coming to watch us play," Luke explains, rolling his eyes at his sister playfully.

  "You’ve never seen them?" I ask her, genuinely surprised.

  "Unfortunately no, not properly anyway," Mia responds, sticking her tongue out at Luke in response. "But tonight definitely. You’re coming right? You can keep me company while they’re on."

  I glance at Luke but he doesn’t say anything, just looks at me now. I don’t know if I am. I’ve been to their shows before and it’s not that I don’t want to go, but as usual I wonder if I should. Both of them are watching me and I can see the resemblance now, they definitely look alike. They both wear identical faces; expectant, almost hopeful expressions. I notice she has the same blue eyes as him.

  Finally Luke speaks, his voice sounding a little different to normal. "You’re always welcome to come along Ash; and I’d really like you to."

  I take a deep breath. "Okay sure, I’ll come along." I smile, I can’t help it, and I do want to go. He wants me to go, even Mia wants me to go.

  "Fantastic!" Mia says as she moves out of Luke’s arms and pulls me into a hug now. I don’t know why she does this, but I feel my own arms go cautiously around her. Okay, I don’t hate her anymore. I’m looking at Luke over her shoulder as we hug and he has a strange look on his face although he’s smiling at me. I wonder what he’s thinking as I look back at him and I’m about to ask, when he mouths thank you to me.

  Now I really don’t know what to think.

  ∞

  Sam’s sister never liked me. I don’t know why, maybe it was a protective older sister thing, maybe she never thought I was good enough for him, but from the minute we met, we never got along. Of course by the time he died, she truly hated me, and by then I couldn’t really blame her.

  The rest of his family still lived in Seattle, Sam was the only one to have gone away to school and stayed away when he finished. He always told me, "I spent my whole life in Seattle Ash, by the time I got to school, I needed to stay away."

  In some ways I could understand that, I’d never even left Providence until I met Sam. Of course when I did, I didn’t really go back, but I hadn’t exactly ventured far. Boston’s only an hour away by train, so in the grand scheme of things, it was hardly a big adventure. But I’m glad I did it, even if it did destroy so many parts of my life, me living in Boston. I understood what Sam meant when he said he needed to get away.

  Sometimes I think I should do it again.

  When Sam finished at BU and graduated, his whole family came over. I’d never met his parents before, nor his sister or brother. Sam was the youngest and I guess being the baby of the family, he was also the favourite. I remember how protective Seth always was of me, and I felt like I would understand how Ethan and Kate would be protective of Sam. They were, just not in the way I imagined.

  When we met them at the airport the day before graduation I remember watching as Sam half-ran towards his family, all of them embracing at once. I remember feeling surprisingly left out as they all stood there chatting, hugging and kissing each other hello, none of them, Sam included, seemingly noticing I was even there.

  But then he turned, smiling at me and said, "Guys, this is my girlfriend, Ash." Holding out his hand and gesturing for me to join them.

  As I walked over I saw his Mom smile at me, his Dad smiled with raised eyebrows as though he was surprised Sam even had a girlfriend. Ethan just looked blankly at me, whereas Kate outright glared at me. Only Sam was genuinely smiling. Only Sam seemed happy to have me there.

  "Nice to meet you all," I said nervously, walking straight towards Sam.

  We all went out for dinner that night and to be fair, they did welcome me, they were all nice to me, all except for Kate. At one point during the meal when Sam put his arm around me, she actually scowled at me, as though it was my fault he’d done it and more to the point, it shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

  Later, when we were back at home I said to Sam, "I don’t think Kate likes me very much."

  He smiled and said, "She’s just a protective older sister Ash, she likes you, don’t worry. She’s always like this at first."

  "So she’s been like this with your other girlfriends?" I asked, not explaining exactly what this was.

  "All of them," he smiled. "Every time."

  "How many have you had?" I asked.

  Sam laughed now. "Yeah there have been a few."

  "And she’s like this with all of them?"

  Sam hugged me as he said, "She is babe, I promise. Don’t worry she’ll grow on you."

  The only problem is, she never did.

  The next day at his graduation she didn’t speak to me at all, except to tell me in a hushed whisper when the rest of his family was busy posing for pictures with Sam, that she didn’t think I was good enough for Sam and, "I’d soon see what she meant."

  As I looked at her, I wondered exactly what it was that she didn’t like about me. I had no idea, so I just said to her, "Soon see what?"

  "Eventually he’ll get sick of you," she hissed back at me, "And move back to Seattle, without you."

  That was the last thing she said to me, for the rest of her trip, and in the end she was right. About part of it anyway.

  ∞

  We’re at the club now, waiting for them to come on. They’re still setting up when Mia returns with beers for both of us.

  "How come you’ve never seen them play?" I ask her.

  She laughs in response. "Back when I used to visit more, they pretty much sucked. I don’t think they could get many shows. I guess now they’ve changed," she says shrugging.

  I smile as I take a sip of my beer. "I don’t know what they were like before, but I can say that they are amazing now."

  Mia turns to me. "My brother thinks you are amazing Ash," she says simply, her blue eyes looking straight at me, exactly like Luke does.

  I nearly choke on my beer. "What?"

  "My brother thinks you’re amazing," she says again, shrugging as if it’s no big deal. "He’s crazy about you, anyone can see that."

  I’m standing there just staring at her. I don’t know what to say. "What?" is all I can manage again.

  She just smiles at me and then Infinity comes on and starts to play and I can’t ask anything more.

  I watch Mia as she starts to see exactly what her brother can do now. She’s wearing a look of complete pride, like she’s known it all along and now she’s just finally seeing the proof. I can’t resist leaning over between songs and asking her, "What do you think?"

  She turns to me and smiles. It looks like there are tears in her eyes. "You were right," she says back to me. "They really are amazing."

  We both watch them play, me enjoying their show again and Mia enjoying it for the very first time. It’s hard to know which one of us enjoys it the most, but at one point when Luke starts playing a cover of a song which he dedicates to Mia, smiling at her as we stand at the back of the room, Mia grips my arm as the crowd around us goes wild, and I somehow know exactly what she’s thinking.

  When they come off stage, Mia launches herself at Luke telling him over and over again how fantastic they are now. I can’t help but smile as I watch them. She eventually lets him go, hugging the rest of the guys in turn and Luke comes over to me.

  "Thank you Ash, you know, for hanging out with Mia, for looking after her tonight," he says.

  I look up at him and smile. "It was no drama Luke honestly. Mia’s really, really nice." And she is. She’s just like him.

  He clinks his beer bottle to mine and leans down to whisper, "Well in any case, I owe you one Asha."

  A shiver runs through me as I think really, it’s probably me that owes him. A lot.

  When he pulls back, I can’t stop myself from staring at him. He looks back at me in a way that’s similar to how he was looking at me when we watched his friend’s band play last weekend, and I get the sudden feeling he wants to say something to me. I wonder what it is, but bef
ore he gets a chance, he’s distracted by Ben who grabs his arm for something. I watch as Luke turns away, resisting the urge to reach out and stop him, ask him what he was going to say to me. And then, Mia is by my side and this time she leans over to speak quietly to me, like she doesn’t want the others to hear. "See, crazy about you."

  I turn to her suddenly. "What are you talking about Mia?" I whisper fiercely.

  "He can’t take his eyes off you Ash. You’re all he sees," she says. "He’s just waiting for you to see him," Mia continues, sliding her arm around my waist as though we’ve known each other for ages.

  "How do you know all this stuff?" I ask her, frustrated.

  She smiles at me, pulling me tighter against her and whispering, "Everyone can see it Ash, everyone but you."

  I’m suddenly flooded with a thousand different sensations all at once; lightheaded, hot, dizzy, scared.

  "He’s worth it you know," she continues, as if to reassure me. "Don’t be scared by him, by how he feels about you."

  It feels like the room is slowly spinning now. I take a sip of my beer, relishing the cold liquid as it moves down my throat and sneak a glance at Luke. He’s still talking to Ben and isn’t looking at me. I wonder if he knows what Mia’s telling me, if he knows what she’s just told me. I wonder what he would think if he knew she had told me. I wonder what it was he was about to say to me before, whether he’ll try to tell me later. I’m still staring at him when he suddenly looks up. His dark blue eyes meet mine for the briefest of moments, but this time I see it.

  This thing with Luke.

  Mia’s right. He does feel something. I don’t know why I didn’t notice it earlier. I don’t know if I would’ve done something different if I had.

  I don’t know what to think or feel about any of it, except scared. But strangely enough, it’s not him I’m scared of anymore, it’s me.

  By many, eight is regarded as lucky, yet by some it classifies you as crazy

  ∞

  Playlist:

  1. Lay it down – The Rubens

  2. Girls like you – The Naked & Famous

  3. Bloodstream – Stateless

  ∞

  I feel like I’m going crazy, really going crazy. I don’t know why I didn’t notice this was all happening. Why I didn’t realise what he was doing to me or even what I was starting to feel now too.

  This time around it was so different, but still.

  I should’ve recognised what it meant when it all started happening again.

  ∞

  When I eventually told Sam about me, he suggested maybe I should talk to someone.

  "Why, because you think I’m crazy?" I asked angrily.

  "No Ash," he said, immediately trying to calm me down. "I just think after everything you’ve been through, losing your friends, your aunt and stuff, that maybe talking to someone about it, would be a good idea babe."

  I turned away from him, embarrassed. "I thought I could talk to you," I answered quietly.

  "Ash," he said gently, pulling me into a hug. "You can always talk to me babe. But I’m scared I don’t know the right things to say. Scared maybe you need to talk to someone who understands all these things, tell you it’s ok to feel all this." His hands brushed my hair back as he kissed me. "I’m afraid I could make it worse."

  I smiled at him. "You don’t make it worse Sam, I promise. You’re the only person I’ve ever felt I could tell this to. You’re the only person I’ve ever told and to be honest, I can’t believe you’re still here, especially after hearing it all."

  Sam tightened his arms then, pulling my head onto his shoulder. "Ash, I’ll always be here babe, always."

  Even then, those words sent a shiver through me.

  But, I did take his advice and a couple of weeks later I found myself a therapist. And in the end, she was fantastic. She said a lot of great things to me, most of which I don’t believe anymore, especially now, but at the time they seemed to work.

  Her name was Angela and she must have been in her fifties. She was very sweet and very patient and very good at listening to me. Actually I think what it really was, is she was very good at getting me to talk to her, to open up a little. I didn’t tell her everything, not like I’d told Sam, but I did talk to her about all the people I’d lost, about my fears of losing more, especially those closest to me.

  "Feeling this way is very normal Ash," she said to me. "Everybody gets angry when they lose someone they love, it’s a natural part of the grieving process. Everybody worries that it might happen again."

  I wanted to tell her for me, it always happened again.

  Angela said these feelings of anger and fear often stem from a wanting to have the chance to see and do everything we could ever possibly want to do. That a lot of it was a selfish need to make sure we didn’t miss out. But the other part was also about not getting the chance to say goodbye to someone we truly care about and how that can destroy our ability to get close to someone else, for fear of it all happening again, for fear of being hurt.

  "You need to believe that there’s nothing you could’ve done to change things Ash, that these things do happen and it’s just a part of life."

  I really struggled to believe her when she told me that.

  Angela also told me I had to forgive myself. That I had to let it all go, I needed to let it go. Yes, it was okay to be angry and sad and to miss the people I’d lost, but eventually I had to move on. It wasn’t healthy to keep all that anger and pain bottled inside me, because in the end it would hurt not just me, but those around me too.

  I wish I could’ve known back then what I know now. I wish I could’ve understood how true her words would be. Because looking back, I now realise just how right she was, how the constant death I’ve had to endure, the people I love being taken from me, has made me into the person I am today.

  I know I’m not really crazy, but I do know I keep losing people and because of that, I’m afraid to let anyone in, afraid to form attachments and afraid of falling in love again.

  Unfortunately, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this anymore.

  ∞

  On Monday morning when I walk in to work, Luke is already here. I didn’t see or speak to him for the rest of the weekend and I assume Mia has now gone back to Chicago. Her words are still running around in my head, but we never spoke more about it for the rest of the night. And I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do with all the things she did tell me.

  After I dump my bag in the staff room, I go in to say hi and see if he wants his usual coffee. I’m nervous about seeing him, knowing all the things I now know. I wonder if Mia told him what she said to me. I wonder what he would think, if he knew what I knew. What he would do?

  I wonder what I should do.

  When I walk into the kitchen, I’m distracted from my thoughts because something smells divine, I mean truly divine.

  "Hey," I say, "coffee?"

  Luke looks up at me and smiles. God, he really does have a nice smile. I feel myself smiling back at him, and my first thought is maybe he doesn’t know what Mia said to me.

  "Sure, thanks Ash. Then come back out here, I have something for you," he says before he goes back to doing whatever he’s doing. I turn and walk out to the front, not sure exactly what that something will be. Maybe he does know what she said. I have no idea, I really have no idea.

  I make us coffee. I walk back into the kitchen and I go over to Luke and put his coffee down. In front of him are a row of plates. Each of them has a different dish on it. All of them look delicious. The room smells amazing. And Luke looks excited.

  "Thanks," he says, when I gesture towards his mug. He smiles when he sees the cup of black coffee in my hands. I take a sip to hide whatever it is I’m feeling. Am I blushing?

  Luke wipes his hands on a cloth and pulls out a stool for me, motioning for me to sit down. I look at him questioningly, but don’t say anything, just sit.

  "Okay," he finally says. "I need you to try t
hese for me."

  I look up at him, "Why?"

  He laughs. "Well for one thing, I’m trying to decide what to put on the menu and I’d really like your opinion."

  "You want me to tell you what tastes good?" I ask, completely stating the obvious. God what is wrong with me?

  "Yeah," he confirms. "I really want your opinion. I mean you do like my cupcakes," he continues, giving me another little smile at the same time.

  "That’s because they’re really good Luke," I stupidly say. Oh shit, shit. Why, am I saying all of this? What the hell is wrong with me? Just shut up Ash, shut the hell up.

  "Here," he says, holding out a fork to me, full of what looks like scrambled eggs.

  I take the fork from his hand, our fingers brushing. I can see that my hand is shaking. I don’t know if he sees it, he’s too busy looking at my face. He watches as I take the fork from his hand and put it in my mouth. Oh wow, it’s amazing. So creamy and tasty, I can’t help the moan that escapes my lips.

  He laughs again. "Good then?"

  I can only nod because I’m too busy getting another serving of the eggs. I’m glad I don’t normally have breakfast.

  He takes the fork from my hand. "Okay, hold up, you need to try them all first," he says before putting the same fork into his mouth.

  I sit there just staring at him. Watch as he takes the fork from my hand and puts this same fork in his mouth. The same fork I just used to eat from. I feel my stomach flip and I know it’s definitely not from the eggs.

  When he takes this same fork, gets some of the next dish and holds it out to me, my stomach positively rolls. I reach out to take it, but my hands are still shaking, badly. I grip my coffee instead, trying to force them to stop with the burning heat.

  Now I know he notices.

  "Here," he says softly, as he gestures the fork towards my mouth.

  His eyes watch me intently and I feel trapped in his gaze, unable to move. I have no other option, so I just lean in and let him feed me.

  This time something shorts out in my brain. I don’t know if it’s from the food he’s given me or the fact that he’s fed me or both. Whatever it is, I like it. I like all of it.