Learning to Dance Again

by Frankie Valente

  Julia walked over to the ancient stereo and picked out a CD from the rack. It was Duncan’s favourite band; Runrig. She put the music on and the garage filled with the cheerful sound of fiddles, guitars and drums.

  ‘Right, who am I going to thrash first?’ Julia said, standing with her hands on her hips.

  ‘Very funny Mam; unless you have been practicing while we’ve been away, I think it’s you that’s going to get thrashed.’

  Julia picked up a cue and chalked the end of it. This is going to be a great evening she thought.

  Julia put up a brave fight, but she was indeed thrashed by Jamie and Bryden. She gave up and took over as the party’s DJ, putting on the music and talking about Duncan. She drank beer, ate turkey sandwiches and too many crisps and laughed at their tales of life in Edinburgh. It was close to being a perfect night.

  After a while she excused herself and went back indoors. It had been a very strange Boxing Day she thought, as she switched on the Christmas tree lights for the first time that day. She walked over to the candle she had lit for Duncan and re-lit the wicks. She looked out of the window and watched the moonlight bouncing on the sea. Then she looked down at the picture of Duncan that Cameron had given her that she had left on the window sill. Duncan looked so happy. If she shut her eyes she could imagine he was just outside in the garage with their sons. She could imagine him standing with a snooker cue in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other, trading banter with the boys. It was an image that both warmed her and cut to the quick.

  She carried the photograph upstairs to her bedroom, mindful of the fact that all things to do with Up Helly Aa were supposed to be a closely guarded secret until the day. She put the photograph on her chest of drawers and stood and admired it for a moment. It was such a lovely present; but then she thought of Cameron. She remembered how close she had come to kissing him again. This would not do, she thought. She could not get involved with him again. At least not until Jamie and Bryden were ready for her to move on; and for that matter, when she was ready to move on. The love of her life was the man in the photograph, and that would probably never change, despite the craziness that had happened in Sicily.

  She went back downstairs to the lounge and turned on the television, needing to distract herself from thoughts of Cameron. As she sat on the sofa she noticed that Jamie and Bryden had left their letters from Duncan on the coffee table. She picked one up.

  Dear Jamie

  The day you were born was one of the happiest days of my life, right up there with marrying your mother and the birth of your brother. If this cancer gets the better of me, I will still have been the luckiest man on earth. To some people it might seem like such a humdrum kind of life. Grow up, go to university, study maths, become a teacher, get married, build a house, have two boys. Nothing to set the world alight eh? But I didn’t need to set the world on fire. I love my world exactly as it is.

  I remember being so proud of you when you started school. You took it all so seriously, so determined to be the best at everything. I was never very competitive myself, so you surprised me.

  Do you remember when you first talked about becoming a doctor? You decided at such a young age. We didn’t take you seriously, even though we both knew you had the brains to do whatever you wanted. But you stuck by your goal from the beginning and now here you are, as I write, just about to finish your medical degree. I could cry with joy.

  Your future is assured. You will have a great career. You will do well so I don’t need to worry about you. But it still hurts to leave. I want to share in your success. I want to stand by your mother’s side at your graduation and when you get married and start your own family. I want to be there, but there is a chance that I might not get to see all of that.

  But I will still be with you. I’m in your DNA. I’m a part of you and always will be. You will see me in the mirror when you shave each morning. You will see me in your brother too. You will find yourself saying things that I said to you. The kind of things that made you lift your eyes to heaven in despair, yes indeed, you will say them too to your kids. You will become your old dad, and I hope you don’t mind. I hope I’m a part of your life for many more years. But if not, know this, I love you and always will do.

  Whatever happens in your life, take your mother and brother with you. Don’t let my departure be a reason to fall out or grow apart.

  There may be tough times ahead. I don’t want you and Bryden to be miserable on my account. I want you to be happy, to live life to the full, to take advantage of the good things you have going on.

  I also want your mother to be happy. She will need your support though. She is one tough independent cookie, but she is not the kind of person who should spend her life alone. I really don’t want her to end up like my mother, who was widowed when she was still young, but whose life seemed to end when my father’s did.

  So even though it might hurt, I would appreciate it if you could encourage her to forge a new life for herself, and if that involves a new man, then you and Bryden will need to man-up and accept that.

  Julia set the letter down for a moment, there was still a couple of pages left, and a cursory scan showed they contained some amusing anecdotes of Jamie’s childhood. She couldn’t read any more though. She slumped on the sofa and shut her eyes, trying to think when Duncan had written the letters. She hadn’t been aware of him doing this, although he had told her during one of his later hospital appointments that he had. He had laughed and said it was just an insurance policy against the treatment not working. He said he had every intention of ripping them up as soon as he was cured.

  Luckily he seemed to have forgotten the letters. They had obviously cheered up her sons a great deal, although she didn’t feel quite so cheerful herself.

  20

  Jamie and Bryden flew back to Edinburgh on 5th January. Julia drove them down to the airport and stayed to watch their plane taking off; soaring into the cold grey winter sky, containing everything she held dear to her. She drove home again, emotionally drained, and wishing she could keep them at home with her forever.

  Bryden’s job interview had taken place they day before, and a few days later Bryden rang her to say that he had got the job. He would be starting after the Easter holidays. Julia could not contain her happiness.

  Over the next couple of weeks she had more meetings with social workers as part of the fostering assessment process. References had been sought from various friends and colleagues and she had been told that the Panel would meet at the end of March to discuss her application, but without making a commitment, the social worker had hinted that it was pretty certain she would be accepted.

  Julia set about the process of making her house child-friendly again. She redecorated two of the spare bedrooms, creating a warm, friendly and gender-neutral environment. After asking permission from Bryden, she also removed his remaining possessions from his old bedroom and moved them into his new house. She then bought new bedding and curtains for the room, ensuring it would be suitable for an older child or teenager. In the meantime it would also be the room that Tony would have when he came to stay.

  These activities kept her so busy that she had not seen Cameron since the Christmas holiday, but then he had also been busy with preparations for Up Helly Aa.

  On the Saturday evening before Up Helly Aa, he rang Julia, asking for a favour. He needed someone to look after Amy while the official squad photographs were taken on Sunday morning. Amy wanted to come and watch, but Laura had refused to take her.

  ‘Of course I will. I would love to; shall I come over to your place tomorrow morning?’ Julia said.

  ‘Yes please. We’re setting off early to get to the beach, so we have to be on the coach about 8.30. The weather forecast is not looking brilliant for later on tomorrow so we’re hoping we can get all the photographs taken before the storm.’

  ‘Ah yes; I had better dress for the occasion then.’

  ‘Hmm, that’s what I said to Amy too, but sh
e has a Viking “princess” dress that she wants to wear. I don’t suppose I’ll be able to get her to put a coat over the top of it.’

  ‘She’ll be fine. I’ll make she doesn’t freeze.’

  ‘Thanks Jules. Are you sure you don’t mind?’

  ‘Don’t be silly. I would have been there to watch if Duncan…’

  ‘I know; that’s what I meant.’

  ‘I’ll be fine. I’m looking forward to it.’

  Julia put the phone down and hurried upstairs to put out some clothes ready for the early morning start. At the risk of looking like the Michelin man she decided on leggings to wear under her jeans, walking boots, a thermal vest, a long sleeve tee-shirt and her favourite Fair Isle jumper, gloves, hat and scarf. She knew that most of the other WAGs would be dressed up in their finest, as they would be posing for photographs with their men. However, Julia was not a wife or girlfriend of a squad member. She wouldn’t be appearing in any of the photographs.

  The next morning was as cold and windy as anticipated, but at least it was dry for the time being. Julia got dressed, without bothering to put on any make-up and had a quick cup of tea before setting off to pick up Amy.

  Cameron opened the door wearing jeans and a thick sweater. He had not shaved since Julia had seen him last and he had a thick red beard, flecked with grey, which made Julia smile; but she did not comment. It was funny seeing him looking so hairy and unkempt. He was always so neat and tidy.

  ‘We’re meeting at the bunker to get changed. But come in; Amy’s all ready to go.’

  Amy ran out into the hallway, dressed in a long green velvet tunic, trimmed with gold braid and fake fur, with black Ugg boots, black leggings, and a medieval style tiara on her head.

  ‘Look at me; I’m a princess,’ she shouted, jigging around in the manner of a child who has consumed too many E numbers.

  ‘Calm down Amy; you need to save your energy for later,’ Cameron said soothingly.

  Julia laughed. ‘Calm down? Yeah, like that’s going to happen?’

  ‘That’s why I needed you to come too. One of the other mothers could probably look after her, but their own kids are likely to be just as over-excited.’

  ‘Good point. So; will we go in one car, or shall we meet you somewhere?’

  ‘It’s best if you come and meet us in a little while. We’ll need to get suited and booted which will take a while. If you drive along to the bunker in about an hour, we’ll be ready to get on the coach then.’

  ‘OK then; off you go. We’ll see you soon.’

  Cameron touched Julia’s arm as he headed for the front door.

  ‘Thanks, I really appreciate this. Amy! You be good for Julia won’t you?’

  Amy nodded vigorously, sending the tiara tumbling across the floor.

  Julia picked it up.

  ‘Let’s get this fixed into place,’ she said, as Cameron smiled at them and closed the front door.

  Julia took Amy up to her bedroom and found a hairbrush and grips. She sat the little girl down at the dressing table and brushed her long brown hair. It was soft and silky from having just been washed, so it would be a struggle to keep the tiara in place.

  ‘I don’t suppose you have any hairspray,’ Julia asked, doubtfully.

  ‘No, my mummy does, but she doesn’t live here,’ Amy replied.

  ‘Alrighty, let’s see what we can do with your hair to make your tiara stay still. I’m not very good at doing girls’ hair because I had two boys. But we’ll give it a try eh?’

  Amy nodded confidently back at Julia through the mirror.

  Julia decided to create two plaits around the crown of Amy’s head and then joined them together at the back with an elastic band. Then she anchored the ends of the tiara into the plaits at the side, and secured them with grips for added resilience against the wind. She spotted some fresh roses in a vase on Amy’s window sill and pulled out a tight pink rosebud. She snapped off the end and de-thorned it and then tucked it into the elastic band that held the plaits together.

  ‘There; how’s that for a princess hairdo?’ Julia said, pleased with the effect.

  ‘That’s magic. I will be the best princess today.’ Amy said, without a trace of humility.

  Julia smiled, wishing she had some of Amy’s confidence.

  ‘Right then, maybe you should use the bathroom before we go,’ Julia said, standing up and walking towards the door.

  ‘My daddy likes you,’ Amy said, as she stood up and turned to admire her hair once again.

  ‘Oh?’ Julia said, turning to look at the child.

  ‘But my mummy doesn’t. They had an argument about you. Isn’t that funny, because I like you too, so I don’t know why mummy doesn’t. Did you have an argument with her?’

  ‘Er, no, I’ve never had an argument with your mummy.’

  Julia headed downstairs quickly, not wanting to prolong the conversation about Laura’s opinion of her, although she was curious as to what had been said and why.

  Julia waited for Amy to come downstairs from the bathroom. She heard the little girl singing and talking to her cat that had snuck into the bathroom with her. She heard the toilet flush and then the taps running.

  Amy emerged from the bathroom and came downstairs looking rather dishevelled. Her tunic was caught up in her leggings at the back.

  ‘Come here darling, let me sort out your dress,’ Julia said, turning Amy around.

  Julia crouched down and tugged the end of the tunic away from where it was caught up in Amy’s leggings. As she did so she caught a glimpse of skin and a rather ugly bruise just above the waistband. Julia instinctively lifted the tunic to get a closer look and was alarmed at the extent of the purple bruising with its yellow core. It looked painful.

  ‘That looks like a nasty bruise you have on your back.’

  ‘It was a bit ouchy; I was playing trampolines on my bed.’

  ‘Oh dear, did you fall off?’

  ‘Yes, and then Mummy said I had to go to bed for being naughty.’ Amy sighed, as if the indignity of being sent to bed was still troubling her.

  Julia pulled down the tunic and straightened it, removing some stray cat hairs from the velvet.

  ‘There, now you look gorgeous again,’ Julia said. She picked up Amy’s floral anorak, which earned a disapproving shake of her head.

  ‘I can’t wear that today; it’s not very princessy.’ Amy stood with her arms folded defiantly, looking every inch a bossy princess.

  Julia looked around the room for inspiration. She could hardly take the child out in this weather, wearing just a velvet dress. She spotted a green tartan rug on the back of the sofa. She picked it up and showed Amy.

  ‘Did you know that Viking princesses used to wrap blankets around themselves when it was cold, because they didn’t have anoraks in those days?’

  ‘Really?’ Amy said doubtfully.

  ‘Yes, they called them cloaks and they used to fasten them with a brooch, a bit like the one I have on my jumper.’ Julia pointed to the silver Celtic style brooch that Duncan had given her a few years ago.

  ‘That’s pretty. Can I wear it please?’

  ‘Yes you can; if you promise not to lose it.’

  ‘I won’t. I’m very good at not losing things. Um, though, I did lose one of mummy’s rings the other day. It fell off my finger and went down the plughole. She got a bit cross with me.’

  ‘Oh dear, did she manage to find it again?’

  ‘Yes, she got the plumbing man to get it out. It was very smelly; but it was still OK. I’m not allowed to play with her jewellery box anymore.’

  ‘Never mind. One day when you’re big you will have your own jewellery box to play with.’

  ‘That’s just what daddy said.’

  ‘Anyway, we had better go and find your daddy now. They’ll be ready soon.’

  ‘I don’t like daddy’s new beard do you?’

  ‘Um, well, not really. I don’t like beards much, but it’s just for Up Helly Aa. I expect he wi
ll shave it off soon.’

  ‘It’s all scratchy when he kisses me. Yuck!’ Amy said, pulling a face and rubbing her cheek with her hands, as if her father had only just kissed her.

  Julia laughed. ‘Well I’ll have to make sure I don’t kiss your daddy then.’

  ‘No, it’s yucky!’

  Julia drove Amy into Lerwick and they parked a short distance from the bunker. The coaches were waiting and there were quite a few people milling around outside waiting for the Jarl Squad to come out of the bunker.

  ‘Shall we go and watch or shall we wait in the car?’

  ‘I want to go and watch,’ Amy said, immediately undoing her seat belt in the back seat of the car. Julia grabbed the tartan rug and draped it around Amy’s shoulders, although she could tell that Amy would probably discard it in order to show off her outfit.

  They hurried along the street towards the bunker; the building that successive Jarl Squads used to build the galley ship, make the shields, torches, axes and costumes each year, in secret.

  A ripple of applause from the waiting family members indicated that the squad were about to leave the building. The men emerged from the doorway and hurried to the waiting coach. Julia got there just as Cameron was about to board it. He grinned and waved at her and Amy.

  Julia took Amy to the other coach. She found a seat near the back with Amy and sat down.