Katie Opens Her Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  She wanted so to love Ezra. He was worthy of even more love than a common, average girl like her could give. But she couldn’t get her heart to squeeze out even a little positive emotion. Every time she tried, her love for Daniel was there, staking first claim. Ezra had to have noticed her distress in the days that followed that evening because he said so many nice things to her that weren’t necessary.

  “We were meant for each other,” he said, coming up to slip a hand around her waist while she washed the dishes.

  “You’re all I ever dreamed of in a frau,” he said one night after supper.

  She’d nearly broken down in tears and told him everything. Thankfully he was satisfied with a kiss, and he had apparently taken her blushing face as proof of her growing love for him.

  He was a simple man, Ezra was. Just the kind of husband she needed. And this only made things worse. She knew she was dooming any love that might rise in her heart for him. Someday Ezra would find out the truth, she feared, and his heart would seal up against her forever.

  Strangely, assistance had come from an unexpected quarter. It was as if Da Hah had mercy at the last minute when she thought she could no longer stand the pain. The green leaves had been sprouting on the trees and the first cheerful robin was hopping in the yard when help arrived. She’d been looking out of the living room window, watching Ezra work in the field, when knowledge stirred within her. She was with child—with Ezra’s child.

  For the first time, the love that was theirs alone entered her heart. She’d laughed out loud at the joy of it, and with it came the realization that she now had with Ezra what she’d never had with Daniel. Da Hah had visited them with a great blessing.

  Daniel had always been a dream, a vision she’d looked upon from afar but never touched. Ezra, on the other hand, was real. She could love such a man exactly because he wasn’t Daniel. Emma had run out of the house that day with her white apron flapping over her shoulder. She’d startled the horses, so Ezra had to hang on tight to the reins before he could bring them to a stop. When he’d stared at her with a puzzled look, she had grabbed him around the neck to kiss his cheek. He turned red and looked across the fields toward the neighbor’s house to make sure no one was watching.

  “What is it?” he had finally asked, at a loss for more to say.

  “I think I’m with child!” Emma had said.

  Ezra had smiled, his cheeks turning even redder. “That’s gut! That’s how it should be.”

  “Yah, I know.” She’d ducked her head and then ran back to the house. Ezra was still staring after her when she stole a glance over her shoulder.

  That night the joy was still in her heart, and she had baked his favorite dessert—minced apple pie. Not one thought of Daniel had raced through her mind. Her love…her heart…now belonged to Ezra alone.

  And so the joy had remained the rest of the spring and on into summer as her body swelled. Katie had been born that October, but not before fear had also arrived to haunt the edges of Emma’s mind. She turned to worrying that with the coming of the cold winter the joy of her love for Ezra would be driven away by the chill and the ice. What if it could leave as easily as it had come in the spring?

  Again it was Katie who had driven the darkness away. At Katie’s first cry, the flush of love enveloped Emma. Surely this joy could go on, and on, and on—and it had. So long as Katie was near, so was joy. At age one, it was Katie kicking her feet on the blanket beside the woodstove that distracted Ezra even from his beloved Budget. At age three, it was Katie who welcomed Ezra in from the fields. Her shrieks of delight sending a smile across his face when he appeared in the kitchen doorway.

  Katie became the center of their home. Was this why there had never been other children? Emma had wanted more, but a person could not make Da Hah’s will happen just by desiring something. She’d desired more of this happiness but wanted nothing to threaten what they had. Had she, perhaps, brought trouble into their lives? Had Da Hah’s displeasure grown strong against her because of her selfishness?

  In the midst of their happiness, Ezra had been taken. So suddenly. So completely. And she’d been left alone with Katie. And the years had rolled on. Silent years. Empty…yet with Katie still providing a measure of joy in the house.

  But now Katie was changing. Was becoming what she, Emma, had been all those years ago. It was now Katie who was reaching high where no common woman ought to reach. Emma’s sins had come full circle. Katie, the one who had brought such blessings, was now bringing back the pain of the past. All while her mamm hadn’t been paying attention, expecting life to go on like always.

  And now this business with Jesse Mast. Apparently with Katie in sympathy to his plight. How like Katie to see only joy everywhere. But joy wasn’t guaranteed. It came only for a moment and was soon snatched away. Dreams couldn’t keep joy alive. Ezra had proven that. And now she would have to teach this to Katie—must make her understand. Katie must not disturb the life they now lived lest something even worse come upon them both.

  Emma stood and paced the floor. Everything was quiet upstairs. Katie must be sleeping. Perhaps tomorrow they could speak more of this matter. Katie would have to accept things the way they were, that’s all there was to it. Emma stood by the living room window and looked out at the falling darkness. Off in the distance a dim lantern light flickered in a window and then went out as she watched. Katie must never be allowed to experience the sorrow and pain I’ve lived with for so long. Never.

  Chapter Six

  The following morning, Jesse Mast awoke before the alarm went off. His body was still weary after the night’s sleep, but he pulled himself out of bed and pushed aside the dark curtains. He studied the dawn-streaked sky, wondering why he was so tired. When Millie was alive, he’d gone to bed much later than he had last night, and yet he’d awakened refreshed and ready to face the day. Now that she was gone, it seemed the cancer had taken so much more than just Millie. It had also taken his strength, his hope, and even his desire to get out of bed in the morning.

  Yet the farm needed care. Crops didn’t stop growing just because a man’s frau died. The cows still gave their milk. Everything went on as before. Except a man’s heart—his heart—now had a hole in it that grew larger each day. Am I desperate? Jesse wondered. Was he grasping for straws in pursuing the widow Emma as his frau? He’d been so certain Da Hah was leading him as he visited her that first time. Emma was also gut looking, especially if she’d take better care of herself and smile once in awhile. Perhaps that was part of the mystery and allure that drew him. That and thinking of Da Hah’s will. But the fact that she was gut looking was not without its appeal. He had to be honest about that.

  Jesse stared at the brightening sky and thought of Emma. She’d grown up in the community, and he’d known her all his life. Until recently, he’d never paid her much attention. He had been a happily married man. From his memories of their growing-up years, Emma had always been the quiet girl. There had been no scandal that he remembered, though there had been those stories floating around that Emma’s heart had been set on Daniel Kauffman. But then she’d married Ezra. And that had been none of his concern. Emma meant little to him back then. His eyes were set on Millie, the community’s dashing girl. He’d won her hand even with the stiff competition from several other, far-more dashing men.

  Jesse smiled thinking about his younger days. They were pleasant memories, and he should think on them more often…even with the pain that had followed. All the young folks in the community had been of the dashing sort in those days. But perhaps that only seemed to be true now that middle age was setting in. He was still young really—in his early forties. But he felt old. Farm work could do that to a man. Make him feel weary before his time, wrinkling his skin and lining his face.

  Yet it was Da Hah’s best way of living. Had not Da Hah sent Adam out of the garden to till the soil and fight the thorns and thistles? Indeed He had. And though many men did other work that was perhaps just as worthy, ther
e was no labor more satisfying than working the soil. Why, a man’s touch could make land that had been cursed grow again. What higher calling in life was there?

  Was this perhaps why he was interested in Emma Raber? She had been withering away for years now, living alone with her daughter. Wasn’t it time Emma’s life blossomed again? The thought caused his gaze on the dawning sky to grow more intense. Nee, that might not be a very gut reason to court a woman. And it sure would be taking a lot upon himself, trying do work that only Da Hah could do. But had Da Hah not commanded men to lay their hands to the plow and not look back? He had indeed. And so far Jesse had no plans to look back when it came to Emma. He planned to wed the woman. She needed help, that was plain to see. But that wasn’t his only reason for pursuing her. He also found her attractive in a unique sort of way. Emma might even be beautiful if she were happy again. Plus, they shared a similar loss, did they not? They had both lost partners they loved. Emma had loved Ezra like he had loved Millie. Of this he was sure.

  And another thing was also certain. Emma believed in taking care of herself. In the end he might fail in his pursuit of her. And if he did, there were always other options available. Homer Troyer’s widow, Ruth, had recently made clear her interest in him. Her attentions had begun with warm smiles at church services. They would soon progress to other forms if he didn’t miss his guess. Ruth hadn’t yet begun bringing food over, but she would think of that well-known female maneuver soon. Marrying Ruth didn’t greatly appeal to him though. She’d lost Homer last year to cancer, soon after Jesse had lost Millie. But Jesse still didn’t feel like he had that much in common with her. Not like he had with Emma anyway.

  Ruth was teaching school this year. Homer had left her with no children after all those years. If Jesse took Ruth as his frau, there would be no additional children to bring into his family. That made no difference one way or the other to him. He simply wanted to wed Emma. He’d approached her twice now and been rebuffed. Emma’s two refusals should have been enough to send any man running, but he wasn’t ready to give up. He’d felt this pursuit was Da Hah’s will, and being rebuffed was no reason to change his course. Besides, Emma didn’t seem to have her heart in her nees. He would have to find out for sure as time went on. For now there was no turning back.

  His pursuit of Emma wouldn’t remain a secret for long. The news would make its rounds at the women’s quiltings, and their “relationship” would be discussed after church while the tables were being served. He would live through the shame, Jesse told himself, when the community questioned his wisdom.

  “Did you hear that Jesse’s been to visit the widow Emma Raber twice now?” someone would ask.

  “Yah,” the other would say. “And she turned him down both times. I can’t believe Emma would do that. It’s not like she gets many offers. And Jesse is such a gut catch, you know.”

  Jesse turned away from the window. Perhaps they wouldn’t say the part about him being a gut catch, but something close to it. Because he was, if the truth were told. He wasn’t the best man in the community, of course, but he was the most eligible widower at the moment. And he’d won Millie’s hand. That took some doing, didn’t it? That made Emma’s refusals all the more puzzling.

  Jesse looked at his clothing scattered beside the bed. There would be plenty of time to think about this later. For now, the day was well underway, and he had no time to wool-gather about his prospects for a frau. He dressed and went out, shutting the bedroom door behind him. He made his way to the living room and lit the kerosene lamp. Then he walked over to holler up the stairs, “Time to get up, children! The sun is rising.” Moments passed in silence so he hollered again. Faint thumps followed and Jesse smiled. They were good children, all of them. Gut like Millie had been gut. Jesse named them off in his mind as he pulled on his outer coat in the washroom. Leroy was the oldest at twenty years of age. He was already thinking of taking a girl home from the Sunday-night hymn singing, even though he was much too young for such things. Jesse paused to think. He’d been twenty when he first took Millie home, and that hadn’t seemed too young back then. It was funny how things changed when one became older.

  Willis, the next boy, was strong for his eighteen years, still growing but hopefully stopping soon. He would be the tallest of them all.

  Mabel had the heaviest load. At sixteen, she shouldn’t have the responsibility of the household on her shoulders. In part, it was for her sake that he needed to find another frau. It wasn’t right that such a young girl should have to bake, sew, and wash for six people. Yah, his sisters came over to help when they could, but both Sarah and Barbara had growing households of their own.

  Jesse set the kerosene lamp on the kitchen table as his thoughts drifted back to his children. Carolyn was twelve years old and helped out a lot. But with her the same problem existed as with Mabel, only worse. Carolyn was even younger than Mabel, and there was no mamm around to tell the girls where the line lay between work and too much work.

  If the girls carried a lazy streak, he wouldn’t worry so much. But neither were lazy, especially Carolyn. He’d seen her on washday carrying hampers of wet clothes out to the line by herself. Loads that were too heavy for the back of a sixteen-year-old girl, let alone a twelve-year-old. He should speak with Mabel about the matter, but that wasn’t fair either. Mabel shouldn’t be burdened with such things. She had enough to do.

  He needed a mamm for them. Surely Emma could be made to understand this. He had tried to explain the matter to her on his two visits, but his words had been like water running off a duck’s back. A thought ran through his head. Surely Emma didn’t expect to be courted again? Perhaps he shouldn’t have gone over and stated his proposal right out like he had. But she was Emma Raber—a widow—and surely she wasn’t given to schoolgirl fantasies about love. Emma would hardly expect the coy looks young people gave each other or the long buggy rides home on Sunday evenings. For both of them life had moved far beyond that. He pushed those thoughts away.

  Jesse lit the gas lantern in the washroom and took it with him out the door. As he let the screen door slam, he heard the first steps of children coming down the stairs behind him. A familiar and welcome sound it was. Just like this place…home. The home where his love for his family had grown. This emotion he felt for his children and the feelings he had for Millie when she was alive were all here with him right now.

  I could have the same thing with Emma…if she would only cooperate. Yah, they could have a home again—the two of them…Emma and Katie. His children would learn to love Emma as their own mamm and Katie as their sister. At least they would over time. Right now the two children who knew about his visits to Emma’s place weren’t that excited about the idea. Leroy and Mabel had figured out what he was up to. He supposed Willis and Carolyn didn’t care either way. Children often weren’t happy when the surviving parent remarried, but they would come around.

  Thankfully, Joel, his youngest at age six, seemed hardly to notice, let alone care. At the moment he was still allowed to stay in bed while the others got up early. Joel slept until breakfast, when he had to get up for school. But soon the time would come for assigning chores other than his job of feeding the chickens in the afternoon. Jesse had been putting that moment off. Perhaps because he hated to see his youngest child grow up. Yet it wasn’t fair to hold the boy back. And that’s what he was doing. He might as well be honest. Joel needed more responsibility regardless of how painful the experience was for his daett.

  Emma could help with that too, Jesse thought. In fact, they all needed Emma more than Emma needed them. Was that perhaps Emma’s reason for not accepting his offer? Six children in the house would be a big change after having only Katie around. Emma was a hard worker from the looks of her place. She couldn’t be afraid of the additional workload. Look at how things were kept up at her place. Nothing fancy, but everything was clean and the house had been repainted white last year. Emma and Katie had done the work themselves. It took a gut kind of wom
an to take on such a large project. Emma could have asked for help, but she hadn’t. And that must come from her own thinking because Ezra and Emma used to host frolics and silo-fillings at their place. Obviously since Ezra had passed Emma had drawn into herself. Funny how everyone just accepted that fact without doing much about it. But he supposed no one could be held to blame. Emma gave off that kind of air, saying without actually saying it, “Don’t bother me, and I’ll be okay.”

  Jesse pushed open the barn door. He entered and hung the gas lantern from a nail in the ceiling. The cows bellowed in the barnyard. They were already pushing against the sturdy door. Jesse went into the milk house. He found the milking buckets in the darkness and carried them to the door. He set them down and spread feed in the trough before undoing the outside door latch.

  He stood aside and watched the cows scramble across the concrete floor to the stanchions. Their necks clanged against the metal clamps as they thrust their heads through the openings to get at the feed. Jesse walked along, closing each latch with a flick of his hand. A few of the cows lifted their heads to look at him. The others were too busy eating to notice.

  Behind him the barn door opened, and Leroy and Willis walked in. “Gut morning, Daett,” Leroy said, grabbing a milk bucket without waiting for a response. Willis, the slower riser, shook his head a few times, his eyes still full of sleep. He looked around for a moment before taking a bucket.

  Willis will grow into a gut farmer someday, Jesse thought. As would Leroy. They were both steady and dependable boys. Willis took the time to look before he jumped into something. Leroy scolded Willis often for his moments of indecision, but it wasn’t like that at all. Willis’s hesitations were marks of wisdom that shouldn’t be quenched.