Lily's Story: The Complete Saga

by Christine Kersey

  I smiled, happy that Alyssa’s marriage seemed to be on the right track, and glad that she was there for me, as she always had been. “All right.”

  “Good. Now tell me what cute things your kids have done lately.”

  I laughed, then launched into Natalie’s latest antics.

  By the time Marcus got home that night, I’d made dinner for the first time in a long time, and it felt great. Trish felt well enough to join us for dinner, although she hardly ate anything.

  “I should have let you do some of the cooking before now,” she said as she took a tiny bite of the casserole I’d made. “This is delicious.”

  “Thank you,” I said. “I have to admit I’ve kind of missed cooking.”

  “You’ll have plenty of time to make up for it now,” Jeff said with a grin.

  I knew Trish actually enjoyed cooking, and I decided I would make a special effort to include her whenever she felt up to it.

  The next day while Trish napped, Jordan and I took our children and Greta on a long walk.

  “It feels good to get out in the fresh air,” I said as we strolled down the street.

  “I’ve missed our walks,” she said.

  “I know. Life’s just been so crazy lately.”

  She laughed. “For you, yes. For me it’s been as boring as ever.”

  I missed having a boring life. I liked having a boring life. In fact, I wanted that life back—desperately—but I knew I had no control over the circumstances in which I found myself. “Enjoy it while it lasts,” I said.

  Chapter 25

  As recommended by her doctor, Trish started her chemotherapy three weeks after her surgery. I’d easily fallen into the role of caretaker as Trish recovered from her surgery, and once she’d begun her chemo, I was grateful I had the skills necessary to make her life easier. I’d also taken on the responsibility of overseeing the repairs to our burned kitchen. Fortunately, once the workers had begun, it had only taken a week to complete the work, and they’d finished just before Trish had started her chemo.

  After the first treatment it became clear that all of the duties of running the house would fall to me—cooking, cleaning, laundry, running errands that Jeff didn’t have time for, caring for Trish’s needs, caring for the children, taking Trish to her chemo treatments. The list seemed to go on and on, and after two months of being in charge, I was becoming exhausted.

  In addition, when Trish was recovering from a treatment, I needed to keep the children occupied and quiet while she slept. Natalie had gotten her cast off, and was as inquisitive and busy as ever.

  “Shhh, Natalie,” I whispered when she screamed as Jackson reached for her doll. “Grandma Trish is sleeping.”

  “My doll,” she said, only concerned about her favorite toy not getting into her baby brother’s hands.

  I held back a sigh, then went into the kitchen to start dinner, frequently checking on the children. Though they were happy, they were also making a big mess in the family room, spreading their toys all over the place. Knowing I would have to clean it up before dinner—it bothered Trish to have their toys everywhere and I didn’t want her to have any extra stress—weariness swept over me. Trying not to think about all the tasks on my to-do list, I focused on the meal preparation as I thought about the break I would get when Marcus got home.

  The children were always thrilled when he got home, and I was always thrilled to have their attention put onto another adult—one who could care for them without me worrying that the person was getting overwhelmed. Trish enjoyed the children too, but could only take them in small doses right now, and when Jeff was home he wanted to focus on Trish.

  One of the highlights of my day was when Marcus got home. Not only because I loved him and wanted to spend time with him, but because he was such a great father.

  By the time Jeff and Marcus got home that night, Trish was sitting on the couch in the living room and I had dinner ready. With Natalie in a booster seat and Jackson in his high chair, we all gathered around the table and began eating. I hadn’t had a moment to talk to Marcus alone, so when he began talking about the latest goings-on at work, it was news to me.

  “We signed a new client today,” he said with a self-satisfied smile.

  “That’s fantastic,” Jeff said. “It sounds like things are going really well.”

  Marcus glanced at me, before meeting his father’s gaze. “Yes, but the only drawback is more work to do.”

  As I considered the implications, I frowned.

  I guess that means more work for me as well, and no break from caring for the children.

  I smiled at Marcus, but it was forced, and I missed our old life all the more. Resentment bubbled within me, but I forced it down as I reminded myself that I was going to be supportive of Marcus and not complain. He was working hard, and I appreciated that, but I was working hard too and I was starting to get burned out.

  “Please excuse me,” Trish said as she pushed back from the table. “I’m not feeling well.”

  Jeff jumped up to help her, escorting her into the living room to settle on the couch where she could be near us and lie down at the same time.

  “Thank you for making dinner, Lily,” Marcus said.

  My lips curved into a pinched smile. “You’re welcome.”

  For the rest of the meal I didn’t add to the conversation between Marcus and Jeff, instead focusing on the children. When dinner was done, the men cleared the dishes while I loaded the dishwasher, and when the table was empty, Jeff took Natalie with him to be with Trish. Marcus kept Jackson entertained while still being with me in the kitchen as I worked.

  I wanted to talk to Marcus about my concerns with his long hours, but I didn’t want it to come across as complaining.

  “Congratulations on your new client,” I said to get the ball rolling.

  “Thanks. Jason and I are pretty stoked about it.”

  In theory I was happy for them, but the effect of the additional work demands weighed on my mind. “At dinner you said this new client would mean more work.” I set the glasses on the top rack of the dishwasher in a neat row, then looked at Marcus. “What does that mean exactly?”

  He frowned. “A new client means an additional workload, and since we can’t afford to hire anyone else yet, the workload will fall onto Jason and me.”

  I held back a sigh. “Does that mean we’ll see less of you?”

  His gaze remained steady on me. “Probably.”

  This time I couldn’t keep the sigh inside, but I didn’t say anything as I poured the dish detergent into the dishwasher, closed the door, and turned it on.

  “I need you to support me, Lily.”

  Irritation ignited inside me. “Why would you say that? I have been supporting you.”

  Marcus’s eyebrows rose. “I just get the sense that you’re unhappy about this.” His jaw tightened. “More clients equals the potential for more income.”

  That’s good at least. “I know.”

  “I’m not sure that you do.”

  Aware that Marcus’s parents weren’t far away, I kept my voice low, although the irritation I felt at his condescending tone came through in my voice. “Of course I understand that. It’s simple math.”

  “Then why do you seem angry about it?”

  I glanced toward the doorway. “Can we discuss this later?”

  With a small shake of his head, he said, “Yeah, sure.” Then he turned and left.

  I stared after him, frustrated that I couldn’t speak freely without his parents overhearing.

  I want my own home again.

  The thought pounded into my head, and I squeezed my eyes closed for a moment. Of course I was glad to help Trish, but I didn’t like the course my life had taken. Everything was in such upheaval—living in Marcus’s parents’ house, having to keep a tight rein on the children and the noise and mess they made, keeping my feelings tightly controlled, and hardly seeing my husband. All together it made for a stressful existence.

/>   Yet admitting these things, even to myself, made me feel selfish, like I was ungrateful for the positive things in my life—good health, a caring husband, healthy children, in-laws who cared about me.

  Why do I feel unsatisfied?

  I didn’t know, although I suspected it had to do with everything being outside of my control.

  Despite the chaos and turmoil of hiding from Trevor, I’d had a fair amount of control over my life once I’d gotten away from him. And even after marrying Marcus I’d considered myself the captain of my own ship. But ever since he’d announced the loss of his job, I’d felt a sense of loss of control over my life, and I didn’t like it.

  I thought I’d already come to terms with the way things were now, but the more time I’d spent caring for Trish, the children, and the house, the more I’d begun to realize that simply telling Marcus I supported him wasn’t the same as actually feeling that support. And now that he’d blithely announced he’d be working even more, I recognized how little I supported him, and how much I was beginning to resent this venture of his.

  I just hoped I would be able to express my feelings without upsetting him and the delicate balance we’d been maintaining for the last number of weeks.

  Chapter 26

  “Okay, Lily. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

  We’d gotten the children down for the night, and Marcus and I finally had some time alone.

  I pulled the blankets back on our bed, sat on the sheets, and faced him. Not wanting to come off as selfish, but knowing that’s exactly how I would sound, I hesitated.

  He sat beside me and took my hands in his. With a soft voice, he said, “What you’re doing for my mother is heroic. Do you know that?”

  A small bit of air rushed from my nose as I gazed at him. Heroic? You wouldn’t think that if you knew how I’m really feeling. “Thanks,” I muttered, even more reluctant to share my thoughts.

  “I know something’s upsetting you.” He chuckled softly. “I know you too well.”

  I couldn’t help but smile, glad that my husband knew me well enough to read my mood. And to care about it—although I wasn’t sure there was anything he could do to fix it. Guilt at my ingratitude surged through me, and I decided that the time wasn’t right to tell him what I was feeling. What was the point? He couldn’t do anything to fix it. We were all struggling with issues we had no control over—Trish with her cancer treatment, me with caring for everyone, Jeff with dealing with his wife’s illness, Marcus trying to get a new business off the ground while trying to make his wife happy. What made me so special that my complaints had to be addressed right this minute?

  “It’s nothing,” I said, this time managing to push a more genuine smile onto my mouth. “I’m just tired.”

  He laughed. “Aren’t we all?”

  Exactly. Which is why I’m not going to burden you with my petty issues. I nodded.

  “Are you sure there’s nothing you want to talk about?” he asked.

  I want my life back. I want to move back into our house. I want things to go back to how they were. I want you home at night, every night, at a predictable time. I want your mother to be well again. As my list of wants raced through my mind, my smile faltered. “No.”

  Gazing at me as if he didn’t believe me, his eyes softened. “You’d tell me if something was wrong, wouldn’t you?”

  I don’t know. “Of course.”

  His lips curved in a satisfied smile. “Good.”

  Over the next two months, as Trish reached the end of her chemo treatments, I found myself at the breaking point. Many times I wanted to tell Marcus how overwhelmed I felt, but his plate was just as full as mine, and guilt at my selfishness silenced me.

  Another challenge was our renters. They’d been saving for a down payment to buy their own house and had finally met their goal. They’d moved out two weeks before and Marcus had offered to head up the effort to find new renters. I’d wanted to suggest that maybe we could move back home, but we’d had enough friction between us without me bringing up the impossible, so I’d kept that idea to myself.

  The one bright spot were the updates Alyssa gave me. She called regularly over the weeks to let me know the progress she and Ty were making in their counseling sessions. They were striving to work through their issues, and eventually they reached an important milestone.

  “I moved back home,” Alyssa told me in her latest call.

  “That’s wonderful.” I talked softly as I sat on the couch and kept an eye on the children, not wanting to disturb Trish who was sleeping in her room.

  “I know. I’m so happy, Lily. Ty hasn’t been going to the casinos for a while now and he’s rededicated himself to our marriage. The counseling really made a difference. We’ve both learned to communicate our feelings better, and to improve our listening.”

  Her joy came through in her voice, and it gave me hope that things would improve for me.

  “I’m so glad to hear that.”

  “We’ve even come up with a plan on how to pay back the money he lost.”

  “Oh.” I hadn’t considered the long-term effects of his gambling.

  “Yeah. It’s awful that he lost so much money, but at least he’s taking responsibility for it now.”

  “It sounds like things are back on track for you both.”

  “Yes. I couldn’t be more pleased.” She paused. “Tell me about your life. How’s Trish doing?”

  “She’s worn out, but her spirits are good. Her last chemo treatment is later this week.”

  “Now that’s good news.”

  “Yes. That’s really lifted her spirits.”

  “What about you?” Alyssa asked. “How are you holding up?”

  “I’m doing okay.”

  “What are you doing to take care of yourself?”

  Nothing. Who has time? “You know. This and that.”

  “Come on, Lily. You’re going to burn out if you don’t take a break once in a while.” She paused. “What about Marcus? Is he helping you out?”

  Natalie grabbed a toy out of Jackson’s hands, and he let out a wail.

  An image of Marcus sitting at his desk with no screaming children to deal with filled my mind. “Natalie,” I said as I gently took the toy away from her and gave it back to Jackson. “You need to share with your brother.”

  Then she began crying.

  “I’m sorry, Alyssa. I’ve gotta go.”

  “Okay.” She paused “Why don’t you come for a visit?”

  As fantastic as that sounded, I didn’t see how I could get away. “I’d love to, but I don’t know when I can.”

  “Just think about it.”

  “All right.”

  We hung up, and as I played peacemaker, I thought about Marcus and how little I seemed to see of him lately. As he’d predicted, he was busier than ever. He’d told me things were looking up, but in the day to day of things, it didn’t seem to matter. It was almost as if I’d become a single mother again. But even when I’d actually been a single mother, he’d been around to help with Natalie much of the time. Now, though, it all fell on me. And that was on top of caring for Trish.

  When the children were happily playing again, Jordan called.

  “Are you up for a walk?”

  I glanced out the window. The late Autumn day was brisk, but sunny. I smiled. “Absolutely.”

  A short time later I pushed the double stroller and held Greta’s leash as Jordan walked beside me pushing Gabe.

  “You called at just the right time,” I said.

  “Oh?”

  “Yes. I’ve been needing to get out of the house, but it seems it’s one thing after another that I need to do and before I know it the day is over.”

  “I’ve noticed you haven’t been out walking as much lately.”

  “It’s easy to let that slide,” I said. “Especially with the days getting shorter.”

  “You have to make the time.”

  “Easier said than done.”

  Jor
dan stared at me a moment. “You sound stressed, Lily. Is there anything I can do to help?”

  I frowned. “Thank you for asking, but there’s really nothing anyone can do.” Although it would be nice if Marcus was home once in a while to play with our children. I think they miss him as much as I do.

  “Okay, but promise me you’ll tell me if there’s something I can do.”

  I considered asking her to babysit for me, but then I would feel obligated to return the favor, and that was just one more thing I couldn’t add to my already overflowing plate. “I will.”

  We reached our usual turnaround point and headed back the way we’d come.

  When the children, Greta, and I got home, Trish was sitting on the couch, her head wrapped in her favorite scarf.

  “There you are,” she said with a smile. “Did you have a nice walk?”

  “Grandma,” Natalie said as she climbed onto the couch beside her. “Read a book.”

  “How are you feeling?” I asked. “Can I get you anything?”

  Trish laughed. “Maybe a book for me to read to Natalie.”

  I set Jackson on the floor, put Greta out back, then gathered several of Natalie’s favorite books and brought them to Trish.

  While Trish read to Natalie, and Jackson held onto the edge of the couch as he practiced walking, I prepared lunch.

  “I can’t tell you how happy I am to only have one treatment left,” Trish said as we sat at the table.

  I smiled. “It will be fantastic to have that behind you.”

  Her eyes closed briefly. “Yes.” Then her gaze met mine. “And then we can get on with our lives.”

  I wondered what that meant exactly. How would my life change? Or would it? Marcus would still be gone much of the time, we would still be living at his parents’ house, and I would still be unhappy.

  Chapter 27

  “Today was your mom’s last chemo treatment,” I said to Marcus a few days later as I lay in bed while he sat propped against a pillow, reading.