Reckless Abandon (Damaged #2)

by J. C. Hannigan

  Kyle loved me, and I loved him...but it wasn't like that. Kyle's romantic feelings for me had dissipated over the years of touring and seeing me at my absolute worst. He was now discreetly dating a girl that we had met three years ago at a concert in Ottawa. She was a private person that preferred to stay out of the tabloids. She was pretty and kind and she made Kyle happy.

  The ring on my right finger was definitely not an engagement ring. It was a ring that Julia had given me four years ago; a beautiful, dainty platinum ring that had diamonds on the band and a beautiful red ruby in the middle.

  "Where are we at with the tour?" I asked him, needing the distraction. I hadn't really thought about work over the last few days. I'd been busy with the funeral and Cadence. It was something that I needed to discuss though.

  We were just about to go on tour for our new album, Free From Blame. The tour was supposed to start in January, only I knew I wouldn't be ready to perform any time soon—not until everything here was sorted. In fact, I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my parents and Cadence at all right now.

  Tours were intense, and I'd been excited about this one before everything happened. I felt like this album was our best yet, and I knew the tour was going to be incredible. I was looking forward to it ending, too. After this tour, I intended to take a break. That had been in the cards even before everything happened. Touring was hard, putting in sixty hours a week at a studio was hard. As much as I loved doing it, I was burning out... and fast.

  I dreaded thinking about the upcoming tour now. Six months of traveling, doing multiple venues each week was hard when you hadn't lost someone extremely important to you. I didn't know how I was going to get through this. I didn't want to, but I was afraid to let the guys down.

  The guys knew how conflicted I was about it, but they were torn between worrying about their professional careers and my sanity.

  "Everly!" Grandma Daniels said angrily. I glanced over, wincing as I realized that my grandparents were standing by the mantel. Grandma Daniels looked downright livid. She stomped over to me, Grandpa trailing behind her warily. "How dare you discuss your Hollywood antics at a time like this!"

  The little color I had left in my face faded as everyone turned to stare at me. Aubrey weaved around the guys to stand beside me, placing her hands gently on my arm. "Let's just go, Everly," she hinted, trying to rouse me to walk away. We started to move, but I froze as my grandmother's voice rang out like a whip across the silent room.

  "That's just like you, ready to take off again and your sister isn't even cremated yet!" Grandma Daniels venomously said. Her words were like punches right through my heart. I opened my mouth, about to tell her that I was trying to rearrange my schedule so that I could figure things out, when her next wave of words came spewing out like acid. "You don't even care that you left your sister to handle your responsibilities while you strutted around in Hollywood! You are selfish!"

  The air left my lungs and my shoulders crumbled at the impact of her words.

  "Mother." Dad's voice made the attention of the room snap from Grandma and me to him. He looked destroyed. "That's enough."

  "No, Robert. It's not enough," Grandma argued. Grandpa put his hand on her shoulder, trying to calm her down. She wrenched free, her eyes flashing back to me. "Everyone else may have accepted and forgiven your selfishness, Everly, but I don't and I won't."

  The living room was heavy with the uncomfortable silence that followed Grandma’s sharp words. All eyes were on me as I drew in a shaky breath. Every inch of my body was trembling.

  I couldn't respond; there was nothing to say. She was right.

  Grandma Daniels gave me one final, disgusted look before she took off, barreling out the door with Grandpa almost chasing her.

  I let out a strangled sound halfway between a gasp and a cry and pulled away from Aubrey. I needed to escape. I needed to get away. Where I planned on going, I had no idea. I didn't even have time to think about it before I came to an abrupt stop as my eyes fell on the familiar ice blue eyes of Grayson Dixon.

  My tear-filled eyes widened in shock. I had dreamed about seeing Grayson Dixon again every night since he'd left. His blue eyes still haunted my dreams and a lot of my waking moments. All I could do was blink at him as he stood in the foyer looking into the living room at me. He had an unreadable expression on his tragically handsome face. Nobody in the room moved or said a thing while Grayson and I stood directly across from one another, our eyes locked. He didn't even seem to notice or care that we weren't alone.

  Grayson had changed a lot over the past five years. He must have been over six feet tall. His dark blue button up dress shirt did little to conceal his muscular chest and waist. He no longer wore the facial piercings he had in high school.

  He was a man now. An undeniably attractive man. I couldn't even help the swell of longing that exploded in my lower belly as my eyes roamed across his chest and shoulders. His dark hair was still on the unruly side, as if he'd spent the better half of the day running his hands through it. Knowing him, he likely had.

  It was those eyes that got me. They were still swirling pools of intensity and passion, the same intense shade of blue, fixated on me as if I was all he could see; as if I was all he wanted to see.

  I gulped. Coming face to face with him again was surreal. He looked so much like...

  I forced the thought to stop in its tracks. I couldn't think about that right now.

  "Everly." Grayson's voice was deep and gruff with a thousand words left unsaid. The look in his eyes was all-consuming. I took an involuntary step toward him, forcing myself to stop. My body and my heart were at war with my mind. My body wanted to go to him, while the thoughts in my head advised against those impulses. All eyes were on us. It was so quiet that I could hear my panicked breathing. "I'm so sorry."

  More tears welled up in my eyes at his words, at the mere sight of him. Suddenly, he was closing the distance between us, taking me into his arms. They still felt like home, like where I wanted to be. His scent awoke all of the emotions I desperately tried to conceal for years.

  I'd never gotten over Grayson...over what had happened between us. The tangible evidence of our passionate relationship would never let me forget it. I wore him on my skin, in my heart, and in my soul.

  I had, however, gotten skilled at repressing my emotions. I was accomplished in pasting on a perfect smile for the camera. I had to in my field. I had to learn how to play the game to succeed. If I let the media tug on my seams, I would unravel and spoil it all for everyone. I couldn't just think about me, and I hadn't in a long time. But I was already fractured, and I was one more gentle probe away from shattering completely.

  Grayson's hands seemed to roam over my hips without restraint, truly uncaring to the fact that we were not alone. It was almost as if nothing had changed between us. The electricity still zapped and sizzled; time still fell away. My heart still jump-started in my chest and my eyes still fluttered at the gentle grazing of his fingers across the small of my back.

  I stepped back quickly, out of his arms. Each touch that Grayson probably meant as comforting set my skin on fire, just as it had all those years ago. It was unsettling, and I knew I couldn't have that. I couldn't let myself get sucked into the vortex that was Grayson and my feelings for him.

  He'd hurt me once before, gutted me completely, and the last thing I needed right now was for Grayson to come into my life and complicate it further.

  "What are you doing here?" I demanded.

  Chapter Four

  Grayson

  EVERLY STOOD BEFORE ME with a hard set to her delicate jaw as she stared, waiting for me to answer. I couldn't seem to untangle my tongue. There was so much that I needed to tell her, but now wasn't the time. She'd just lost her sister.

  "I just wanted to make sure you were okay," I explained, trying to keep my own emotion from clouding my voice. I'd expected to walk into a depressing atmosphere, but I hadn't expected to walk in to this atmosphere. The room
was full of people, but nobody was moving and every eye darted back and forth from Everly to me, like some kind of pinball game. The air felt heavy, suffocating.

  Kyle Russell was standing behind her, his brow furrowed as he glared at me with contempt. I didn't even react; I couldn't. I was still stunned that I'd actually shown up, that she was standing in front of me. My hands twitched with the desire to pull her to me and never let her go.

  It felt so fucking surreal, like a dream sequence. Everything was bright, as if movie lights were pointed directly on us. Everyone seemed to be holding their breath, waiting and watching. I swallowed hard, my eyes finding Everly's face again. Everyone else fell away as I looked into those pale green eyes.

  "To ask if I was okay?" she repeated, her eyebrows arching up. Her beauty took my breath away. She'd twisted her caramel hair up in a strange bun, exposing her slender neck. Her skin glowed, the black lace of her dress illuminating her perfection. She used to be the girl next door, all soft and malleable. Now, she was still and cool, emotionally untouched, posed and harder to read. Only her eyes gave way to the hardened pain she felt. "I just lost my sister, and my...my Cadance..." Her stoic mask finally fell apart as her voice broke. The depth of pain in her eyes made my own spirit crack a little.

  I didn't wait for an invitation; I took her in my arms again. I held her close to me while she fell apart, her tears soaking the dark blue dress shirt I'd thrown on for the funeral. It was so crowded, that the funeral home had set up an additional room, connecting cameras to TVs so those of us sitting inside the additional room could watch the ceremony.

  I had debated for days on whether to go to the funeral. I hadn't known Julia, and had only met her a few times in passing. I ended up going because not going felt wrong. I wanted to be there for Everly. Her pain was always my pain, even if I had a shitty way of showing it in the past.

  I was late getting to the wake because I'd been agonizing over if I should go. The wake was more intimate than the funeral, and I didn't want to impose, but I couldn't wait to see her. She'd left so quickly after the funeral, carrying a little girl—her niece—in her arms. It had taken me half the afternoon to man up and just go.

  Everly seemed to realize that she was falling to pieces in my arms in front of her family and friends. She pulled away again, tucking her arms around herself tightly, still staring at me like she'd seen the sun for the first time in years. Like I blinded her.

  "Can we talk?" The three words fell off my tongue with difficulty. Everly's pain was gutting me. I gestured with a slight nod of my head to our audience. She nodded, leading the way to the kitchen. She stopped near the sliding door, looking out into the backyard. It was snowing, but it wasn't sticking. I watched her face in the reflection of the glass.

  "You should go," she whispered, her voice broken, her back still to me. I watched her reflection in the glass as she closed her eyes. Two large tears escaped from under her thick lashes, trailing down her face.

  "Is that what you want?" It almost hurt to speak, or rather...to hear her answer.

  Everly didn't reply right away. She slowly turned to look at me. "Why do you suddenly care what I want?"

  "I've always cared," I argued, keeping my eyes locked on hers. I swallowed against the agony I saw there.

  “You left, Grayson.” Her voice shook. It seemed like those words had been stuck on her tongue for years, turmoil rattling around inside her head. “Before I even had a chance to tell you…”

  "Tell me what?" I demanded, the look in her eyes making all the saliva dry up in my mouth. I stepped toward her.

  She inhaled sharply, her eyes fluttering at my nearness. I brought my hands up to frame her face, gently brushing the tears away from her cheeks.

  "It doesn't matter," she said. "Why are you back? Why now?"

  "I've been back for two years," I told her, my hands still framing her face. The pad of my thumb brushed over her lips, and she let out a soft sigh. She wasn't objecting to my closeness, to my hands on her skin, hungering to touch her.

  My lips pressed against hers, gently at first, testing the waters. Her lips parted, and I took that as an invitation to deepen the kiss. She moaned softly, the sound vibrating against my lips.

  Suddenly, she was pushing me away, her eyes flashing with anger, hurt and regret."You can't just come back and kiss me like that!"

  "Like what?" I challenged. I raised my eyebrows, alluding truth. "Like I've missed you? Like I've longed for your touch ever since I stupidly made you walk away? Like I love you?"

  Everly was shaking her head, tears pouring down her cheeks.

  "I never stopped, Everly," I told her, running my hands through my hair and tugging at the ends. I was sure I looked frantic. I felt frantic. I reeled it in, dropping my hands to my sides and approaching her slowly. "I was an idiot; I made a mistake. I've never stopped loving you."

  I realized it was shitty of me to say that right now. Everly had just lost her sister; she was going through hell and there I was showing up to announce my feelings for her. I was all too aware of the fact that I had never told her I loved her before. It had always been my biggest regret—letting her walk away without her knowing the depths of my feelings.

  "I know you're going through a lot, and I understand that. I'm not asking you for anything. I just needed to tell you how I felt. I've been carrying it around for years. I never thought you'd come back, but if you did, I just needed to tell you." I brushed the tears away from her cheeks again. My heart felt like it had been blown to pieces, and I knew it was my own fucking fault. All of it was. "My feelings for you haven't changed. And I'm here. I want to be here for you. I won't run this time."

  The sound of someone clearing their throat dragged our attention from one another. Everly and I looked toward the sound. Aubrey was standing there apologetically.

  "What's wrong?" Everly demanded, stepping away from me. I let my hands fall to my sides, shoving them in my pockets.

  "She's screaming for you," Aubrey apologized. "Your Mom asked me to get you."

  Everly was running before the words were even completely out of Aubrey's mouth.

  Aubrey was still standing in the doorway of the kitchen, studying me. Aubrey and I had never been tight, but she'd never looked at me with animosity before.

  "Who's screaming?" I asked.

  "Cadence," she answered shortly. "Everly's...Julia's..." she trailed off awkwardly, looking away.

  Oh, right. The little girl I'd seen Everly carry to the car. There was an awkward pause while I thought about my next course of action—stay or give her some space to digest the verbal explosion I'd showered over her.

  "Maybe you should go. I'm sure that she appreciates seeing you again," Aubrey's face pinched slightly at this, "but she's dealing with a lot right now."

  I nodded, my jaw tense. "Tell her to call me," I said, feeling like the world’s biggest imbecile for handing my card to Aubrey. She took it.

  "I'm sure she'll be calling you," she said ominously, unable to meet my eyes.

  Walking away from Everly physically hurt, but Aubrey was right. Everly was dealing with a lot, and the last thing she needed was the added drama of dealing with me. So I left, the quiet conversation from the living room following me out the door.

  I pulled up to the curb in front of Tap's. I wasn't one to day-drink normally, but special occasions and what not. I sank down into a bar stool, nodding at Tom Grady. Tom inclined his head slightly, but otherwise remained still.

  Katrina was behind the bar. She set down a glass of whiskey in front of me and I drained it. She arched her eyebrow at me questionably, grabbing the empty glass to refill it. "I take it she didn't run back into your arms right away?" Katrina chuckled at the expression on my face. I stared at her, conveying I wasn't in the mood for her antics. "Sorry. But what did you expect? You haven't said boo to her in the past five years."

  "I know that." I frowned. I wasn't expecting Everly to run back into my open arms. I wasn't even expecting her to give me an
other chance. I hadn't gone there with the intention of kissing her; it just happened. It was just how our bodies reacted to one another. I was helpless against my primal urges for her, and I was a fucking asshole for it.

  I took another swig of whiskey, the cold liquid soothing my raw throat as I thought about how it had felt to hold Everly in my arms again, about how her eyelids had fluttered against my touch, her face relaxing and her lips parting. How she'd tasted against my tongue...the same taste that was always her, with a hint of champagne and tears.

  I remembered how Everly's body felt. I remembered the expression she used to get when around me, the breathless way her lids would softly close and her lips would slowly part.

  The same thing happened today; I touched her and she reacted like she always had. The thing between us was as strong as ever, only now it was tangled with hurt and regret and years of longing.

  I set the glass down, my brows furrowing as I kicked myself for being such a guy. I could have handled our reunion with more tact.

  Exhaling, my lips tightening over my teeth as I stared into the amber liquid. I swirled it around carefully before taking another sip. I continued to swirl it, staring into its depths. "So...Julia had a daughter?"

  "Yup," Katrina replied, not looking at me. She seemed to be counting in her head while she checked her liquor stock.

  "I didn't know that." I swallowed back more whiskey.

  Katrina looked up at me curiously. "Why does that matter? Is Everly going to take custody or something?" she asked.

  The thought had never even occurred to me. If she took custody, did that mean she would stay in town to raise the girl? Or would she just take the girl with her to LA? Everly was successful enough that she could easily afford a full-time nanny while she toured. I swallowed, my Adam's apple bobbing against my dry throat.