Reckless Abandon (Damaged #2)

by J. C. Hannigan

  "I don't know," I said honestly, dropping my gaze.

  "What's on your mind?" Katrina sighed, leaning forward to capture my gaze. "You know how much I love when drunken patrons unload their problems on me. Have at 'er." Katrina waved her hand as if encouraging me to unload those problems. She grinned wickedly.

  "First of all, I'm not drunk...yet," I corrected, polishing off the rest of my drink. It burned my throat on the way down, but it was the good kind of burn. I trailed off, looking away from Katrina's intense gaze. I sighed deeply, feeling resigned. Seeing Everly had opened up the floodgates of my repressed emotions.

  I'd been trying to act like the sting of losing her didn't still hurt every day, but there was no lying anymore. My own walls were stripped bare, and it became abundantly clear to me that I could never come back from Everly. She was it for me.

  I was relieved to know that I still affected her, I wasn't sure what it would ultimately lead to, but at least I hadn't burned her feelings for me to the ground completely. There was something left. The big question now was, could it be salvaged?

  Swallowing again, I raised my eyes to look up at Katrina. She was watching me, patiently waiting for me to resurface.

  "It's nothing," I said gruffly, narrowing my eyes. I couldn't put my thoughts into words yet. I didn't even truly comprehend them.

  I tossed back the remainder of my whiskey, gesturing for Katrina to pour me another.

  ***

  The next morning, I awoke feeling as if someone was taking a jack hammer to my skull. I wiped the sleep from my eyes, rolling over. The movement made me wince and I opened my eyes gingerly.

  Katrina was lying beside me, watching me with one eyebrow arched and a smirk on her lips.

  "Jesus!" I bolted out of bed, startled. Katrina effectively got rid of my morning wood faster than a cold shower.

  "No, Katrina," she corrected sarcastically, sitting up. "You're welcome, by the way."

  "For what?" I asked warily, scratching the stubble on my jaw while I tried to recall from hazy alcohol soaked memories exactly what had happened after I left the bar. I was dressed from the waist down, and Katrina was fully clothed as well. Still, that didn't mean much when it came to my track record.

  "For dragging your drunk ass home last night. You're a heavy asshole." Katrina shook her head, grinning. "I almost broke my spine."

  I frowned, some of last night coming back to me. I didn’t know how many glasses of whiskey I'd tossed back; I’d lost count after five.

  "You drank the entire bottle, and then demanded shots," Katrina clarified, pursing her lips. "It was the most fun you've been in a while. You even had Tom Grady taking shots with you!"

  "Hmmpf," I said, my frown increasing. I hadn't meant to get that wasted. I just needed to get wasted enough that I wouldn't do something stupid.

  Like drive back to Everly's house and push her up against the wall and kiss her until she let me back in...back to where I belonged.

  I suppose getting completely trashed with Tom Grady was the lesser of two evils. I glanced at Katrina again. "Did we...?" I trailed off, raising a brow in question. It was definitely an awkward question—to ask the girl in your bed if you’d drunkenly screwed her the night before. I honestly didn't remember. I could have met the Pope and wouldn't have known it.

  "Trust me, Dixon, if we did, you'd remember." Katrina rolled her eyes, getting up out of the bed. "I crashed here because I didn't feel like driving home at five in the morning."

  "There were other beds," I muttered, scowling.

  "Oh get over it, Grayson." Katrina sighed, aggravated. "I'm going to need a ride home. But first...go shower. I can smell your nasty whiskey pores from over here."

  "Fine." I shut the bathroom door on her.

  "We should go out for breakfast," Katrina suggested as I walked back into the bedroom ten minutes later, using a towel to dry my hair. I scowled at her. "Friends can go out for breakfast, Grayson. I'm starving, and you owe me."

  "Why do I owe you?" I demanded, barely sparing her a glance as I dropped the towel and stepped into my boxers. Katrina looked away with a smirk. It was nothing she hadn't seen before, though several years had passed. She was mostly over her feelings for me, but it was hard for a girl not to be affected by me—and I didn't mean that in an egotistical way. I worked out, I took care of my body, and I was blessed in more ways than just having great muscle memory.

  "Because I blew off my boyfriend to take care of you and make sure that you didn't go over to Everly's."

  I buckled my jeans, scowling deeper. I didn't think I'd broached the topic of my desire to go back. But then again, I couldn't very well say that with the utmost certainty, considering I didn't even remember leaving the bar.

  "You were babbling on and on incoherently last night about making it right, and it was weird. I was worried," Katrina continued, her brown eyes seeking mine out. She'd long since ditched the weird cat shaped contacts. It was easier to read her emotions now. She was concerned about me.

  She was the closest thing I had to a friend, and I wouldn't even call her that. I could never tell her about the crazy shit that went on in my head, but she was determined to keep me in her life, no matter how much shit I threw her way.

  Katrina was like a termite. She was impossible to scare away, and she was almost indestructible. I had been home for two years now, and she'd come knocking the moment she heard I was back in town. She hadn't let me continue with my self-imposed isolation.

  "Fine, breakfast. But no talking." I pulled my shirt over my head and left the bedroom, knowing that Katrina would follow.

  We piled into my work truck and drove to a local restaurant to grab the breakfast that Katrina insisted I owed her. Day Breakfast was packed with the Saturday hangover crowd. I said nothing as I sat across from Katrina and waited for the waitress to bring me my coffee.

  I had a billion things going on in my head. Everly was at the very front of my mind, but the list of work demands I had coming up was there as well.

  "Are you going to try again?" Katrina asked, leaning back against the booth while she studied me. She was dressed in the same black tank top she'd worn to work the night before, her ample cleavage all but staring me in the face. The saddest part was that it didn't do a damn thing for me.

  "I said no talking," I reminded her gruffly. I didn't want to talk about what I was or wasn't going to do when it came to Everly. I didn't know what the plan was. I knew what I wanted. I wanted her to come back to me, to be mine again. But I had fucked up royally, and I didn't know how to go about getting her back. Besides, the last thing she wanted right now was me to complicate things. I'd witnessed the destroyed look on her face in the moments before she realized I was standing there.

  But at the same time...I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to help her heal. I wanted to be her safe place and her hideaway from grief. Lord knew I should have done it years ago, actually been there for her when she needed it.

  "Sorry," Katrina said, raising her hands in mock surrender. "Jesus. Didn't think you were serious about that."

  "I was. Very," I retorted. I leaned back in the booth, my gaze drifting out the large window that faced the street.

  There wasn't much to see. Most of Newcastle was either still asleep or already inside Day Breakfast. The waitress appeared by my arm, setting down a black coffee in front of my hands for me, and a tea for Katrina.

  "Are you guys ready to order?" she asked, bored. I peered up at her, recognizing her face but barely. I figured it was another one of those small town things. Her eyes widened while she looked at me. The recognition faded to intrigue, and she tilted her head as she stared into my eyes with a calculating look that almost made me feel uncomfortable.

  "I'll take the Hearty Breakfast. Eggs sunny side up and extra bacon," I ordered, handing the menu back, my brows knitting together while I tried to place her.

  "Same, only make my eggs over easy and give me extra sausage. You should get one for yourself too, how abou
t a big thick one?" Katrina smirked, winking at the waitress. The waitress took the menus from our table, rolling her eyes at Katrina as she left.

  "Who was that?"

  "Lindsay Little," Katrina replied, still smirking as she watched Lindsay disappear to slide our order to the kitchen window.

  "Hmm." I frowned. I'd barely recognized her at first, but after Katrina told me who she was...I recalled her from my high school memories. She had been one of Everly's friends before a bunch of drama went down. I couldn't even remember what the hell had happened. Everly took up so much space in my head that the mundane memories had fallen away.

  I took a sip of coffee, distractedly looking out the window across from me. It faced the street. I watched as cars drove by and the occasional person walked past.

  I reluctantly looked up at Katrina, hating the way she was quietly assessing me.

  "You know," she said slowly as she grabbed a sugar packet from the bowl. She ripped it open, pouring it into her tea before she continued. "You've always been a fighter, Grayson. You've always been the guy that rushes to defend. Hell, you react with your fists before your brain even registers what the fuck is going on. You always have. But the one time that you should have fought, you didn't."

  I snorted, shaking my head. Katrina struggled with minding her own damn business. The annoying thing was that she was right.

  "I swear to God if you don't fight this time, Grayson, I'll rearrange your face with a pipe. A guy with your good looks shouldn't be so stupid."

  Chapter Five

  Everly

  I SAT AT THE KITCHEN island in a barstool, my hot mug of coffee sitting on the counter before me. My hands cupped around the ceramic mug, drawing the warmth of it into my fingers. I purposely kept my eyes focused on the mug, avoiding the plain white business card on the counter beside my right hand. Grayson had given it to Aubrey for me. It had his contact information; he wanted me to call him.

  I sighed, the sound of it loud in my ears. The house was dark and eerily quiet, a vast change from the chaos of family and bodies it had seen over the last few days. I was the only one awake.

  As I stared at the steam rising, my thoughts became a swirling, confusing mess of ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’.

  I'd started out my final year of high school with the intention of finding out who I was. I hadn't really understood anything about life back then. I thought I knew it all.

  Everybody thought I was so sweet and docile, but it turned out that I was just a selfish, weak person that was ruled by emotions and impulses.

  When I found out that I was pregnant, I had a breakdown. Privately. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Grayson was gone, and I'd been stupid enough to somehow get pregnant. I couldn't remember a time when we hadn't used protection though, but the articles that I read said it could still happen. And it had happened; I was pregnant at seventeen. Pregnant and alone.

  Plus, I'd just signed a contract with the band. We were working on our first album in the studio, putting in seven hours a day. We were set to go on tour in early November. I couldn't have a baby and tour with a band, but the idea of having an abortion made me ill. I couldn't do that either. The baby was the last piece of him that I had and despite my fears, I loved it.

  I kept it secret for four months. I lost weight because I had difficulty eating and keeping anything down. My parents assumed that I was stressing about the release of my first album.

  Julia clued in first. She stood outside of the bathroom door one day while a particularly bad case of morning sickness kept my face firmly positioned over the toilet.

  "How far along are you?" she demanded, cornering me in the hallway as I attempted to make my way back to my room.

  "What?"

  "Don't play dumb, Everly. I'm not an idiot. You're pregnant. How far along are you?" Julia's deep green eyes were focused on my face. I started to cry. She wrapped her arms around me and waited for my tears to ebb so I could speak. I was so relieved to finally tell someone the truth, to finally get it off of my chest.

  Julia immediately stepped up and helped me get through the next five months. She was there for me, offering her unwavering support. She went with me to doctor appointments, tried to help me track down Grayson, and held my hand when I finally told my parents.

  Telling my parents had been a terrifying experience. They didn't know what to say at first—they knew the situation with Grayson. We'd broken up and he'd left the province without any way of reaching him. I'd already tried to get his step-mom to tell me how I could reach him, but all she'd said to me was that he had left without leaving a forwarding address or number.

  It was clear that Grayson didn't want to be found, and I had no choice but to accept that fact and try to move on.

  I hid the entire pregnancy from almost everybody. I acted as if I had thyroid issues, and that excuse explained the little weight that I'd gained. I wore clothes that hid my bump, posing in ways that obscured it from view. We were still new, so I didn't have to worry about the paparazzi snapping bump pictures of me. I was still careful though. I still kept it secret. Only my family, Aubrey, Alicia, my agent, my personal assistant and the guys in the band knew. Half of them would never betray me, and the other half had signed confidentiality contracts.

  I didn't know what I was going to do when the baby was born. I knew that the baby couldn't come on tour with me, and I knew that I couldn't bail out on the band. We were opening for Sevens, a popular band from Vancouver, and the shows had already sold out.

  It was a challenging time. Instead of enjoying putting together our first album and doing radio shows, the guys and I were all twisted with anxiety. Tensions ran high because nobody knew what I would actually do once the baby was born. Every time my parents tried to talk about it to me, I shut down. I just couldn't process it. Thinking about it made me think about Grayson, and how he should be here for this...but he wasn't.

  Julia had been the one to come up with the plan. She offered to take care of the baby while I toured. "She's young enough that she won't even remember," Julia assured me.

  When Julia presented her plan to our parents, the house exploded into chaos.

  "Think of how much money Everly is going to make doing this," Julia had argued, a few tears of her own escaping. "How many people get a shot like this? I can't let her pass it up—"

  "You shouldn't be offering this." Mom shook her head, biting her lip. They exchanged a meaningful look with one another. She could see where Julia was coming from; where I was coming from. It was no secret that I wasn't ready for this kind of responsibility. I could tell that my mom wanted me to stay, to step up, but she worried about how I would be able to get on my feet if I didn't take this opportunity.

  Julia was right about the money. From the raving reviews our debut album received, we had the potential to make it big...and I hadn't exactly graduated high school. I was doing correspondence, but between recording and the pregnancy, I hadn't had much time or will to focus. Regardless, my family was going to have to help me and they knew it. The problem was deciding which was the lesser evil.

  Less than two days later, my water broke. Cadence was born on the twenty-ninth of July. Her name meant rhythm. She was my rhythm.

  I didn't think I could do it. I looked down at the tiny being bundled up in a pink blanket, her wide deep blue eyes focused on my face, and I broke. I shattered into a million pieces.

  There was a little over four months before the tour started. To say that I wasn't prepared for it was an understatement. I wasn't prepared to leave my home, my family...and Cadence.

  However, Julia insisted I go. She sat with me in my hospital bed, her arms around my shoulders while I cuddled Cadence and cried, snot and tears flowing down my cheeks without constraint. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again, only worse. It was twisting and squeezing in my chest. It felt like it was ripping apart, shredding into irreparable fragments.

  "I can't abandon her," I ha
d wailed, my shoulders shaking. Cadence's little body moved with my trembles, but the motion didn't bother her. In fact, it seemed to put her to sleep.

  "You aren't abandoning her," Julia insisted, her own tears freely streaming down her cheeks. "She's still very much a part of your life. You're still her mommy. You're just going off to work for a bit. Mommies have to work, Everly."

  Julia was almost finished with her dental hygienist program. She'd been doing incredibly well, and had decided to fast track it. She was set to graduate in two months. I would be paying for everything that Cadence needed. Mom and Dad would help Julia with Cadence, and I would return home whenever I had a break in shows. Still, I couldn't understand why my sister was offering this. I didn't understand why she was willing to give up her freedom for me.

  "Why do you want to do this?" I asked, my chest heaving with the panic and desperation I felt. Every time I had asked before, Julia would shrug off my question and tell me that I deserved a chance at my dreams and being a mom. This time, she sighed heavily, pulling me closer. I felt my hair grow damp from her tears.

  "I was pregnant, Everly. Just before you. When I told Liam, he made me feel like an abortion was the only option for us. He said he couldn't handle being a dad so young. He said he would be with me the entire time. So...I got one. He held my hand, and the next day, he broke up with me."

  I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break any more, but it did. I was so locked in my own despair, I hadn't even seen what pain Julia was carrying. She hid it so well. "Julia, I'm so sorry. I wish I'd known. I wish I'd been there for you."

  "I wouldn't let anybody be there for me. Dad still doesn't know, and he never will...and I only told Mom after the fact when I had an infection," Julia confessed, peering down at Cadence's tiny sleeping body in my arms. Her jaw trembled. "I regretted that decision so much, Everly. I can never explain to you the hollow feeling that I'll carry around forever. I should be holding my own baby..." Julia gasped, choking on her tears. "I didn't want you to experience that sense of loss. This way, you can still do what you set out to do and you won't lose her, because we'll be here. She'll be yours."