Reckless Abandon (Damaged #2)

by J. C. Hannigan

  "I do have sisters her age..." he reminded me. "I'm kind of awesome at the whole present thing."

  I smiled, my lips seeking his out for a quick kiss. Cadence was so enthralled in her new toys that she didn't even notice.

  "Now...can I give you your present?" Grayson asked almost shyly. The corner of his lip curved up in a smile.

  "It's not Christmas yet," I pointed out.

  "Well, it's not really a Christmas gift, angel." He shrugged, grinning wickedly at me as he pulled a small box out from his back pocket. "It's just something I saw that I needed to get for you."

  I stared at the tiny box. It was clearly a jewelry box, wrapped in the same silver wrapping paper and golden ribbon as Cadence's presents. I swallowed hard, the color draining from my face.

  "It's not that." Grayson smirked, seeing where my thoughts were going. He gently took my hand, flattening my palm and placing the gift in my palm.

  I opened it slowly, overly aware of Grayson's eyes on me.

  "Oh, Grayson...it's beautiful," I said, bringing my hand up to my mouth as I stared at the stunning white gold necklace. It was a simple, yet elegant and had a beautiful tear-shaped solitary diamond.

  "I saw it and I needed to get it for you." He shrugged as if uncomfortable with my emotional response. He took it from me, removing the necklace carefully from the box. He studied it for a moment, his eyes wistful and almost sad. "I put you through so much pain in the last five years. The things you had to endure because of my stupidity...I could never make up for that, Everly. When I saw this in the display case, it reminded me of that; of the sadness and the longing that we both went through. To me, it represents the beauty in pain." He was speaking low enough so that only I would hear him. He swallowed hard, brushing aside my hair as he moved behind me to clasp it around my neck. It rested just above and between my breasts.

  "It's beautiful," I said again, my eyes misting.

  "Yeah...it looks fucking hot sitting there." He smirked, his fingers reaching out to brush the teardrop diamond and the tops of my breasts. I smiled, shaking my head and brushing aside his wandering hands before he could attract Cadence's attention.

  "So..." he drawled, cocking his eyebrow up as if challenging me. "Shall we go teach you how to cook?"

  ***

  "See? That wasn't so bad, was it?" Grayson asked several hours later, after Cadence was fast asleep in the spare bedroom. She'd fallen asleep halfway through the movie again. This time, Grayson had carried her up to bed and tucked her in with me watching from the doorway, several emotions clashing against one another at once. Happiness, hope, and love.

  I shrugged, trying not to smile. It hadn't been too bad. In fact, it had tasted delicious despite the fact that Grayson had made me cook the chicken on my own. He'd selected the spices and garlic and stood aside with a proud smile on his lips, telling me to add a little bit of everything.

  We were standing in his kitchen, having just finished tidying it up. I was leaning against the counter, my arms folded across my chest. I was having a difficult time sifting through all the emotions. Grayson seemed to notice; he tilted his head while he looked at me. His own eyes were a clashing storm of emotions as well— love, happiness, hope, regret, and desire.

  "It was good," I agreed finally, my voice sounding strange even to me. Grayson's eyes locked on mine as he stalked toward me. He put his hands on either side of me, clenching the counter and caging me in, all the while his eyes fixated on me.

  I exhaled, tipping my head back so our lips were separated by mere inches.

  "Do you remember the first time you kissed me, angel?" Grayson asked, his voice husky with desire. His hand came up to gently stroke my jawline, his thumb brushing across my lips before dropping back down to grip the counter.

  I smiled. "On Kyle's porch."

  "You were drunk as fuck." Grayson chuckled, shaking his head. His eyes danced while he drank me in. "I took one look at you and just knew I was screwed."

  "Why?"

  "Last time we drank together, you got brave," he whispered, gently pressing his hips against mine. I could feel his arousal growing as he brushed it against my thighs. The action left a tingling sensation in its wake, instantly leaving me wanting more. "You dragged me out to the dance floor and started doing sinful things with those hips, giving me that seductive look that almost undid me. I had to run away before I had my way with you then and there."

  "You wanted me?"

  "Of course I wanted you." Grayson seemed surprised. "I've always wanted you, Everly. That was the problem."

  "The problem?" I frowned, confused.

  He nuzzled his lips against the side of my neck. His words vibrated against my skin, making my nipples harden in response. "I wanted you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life, and it fucking scared me. I got out of there because I was a coward. But when I saw you on Kyle's porch, I knew I didn't have the strength to walk away again. I knew I'd let you do whatever the hell you wanted to do to me, and I'd enjoy it."

  He was impossibly hard against me now, and I was equally throbbing and aching for him too. I pressed my pelvis into his engorged cock, the sound of his tortured groan against the sensitive skin on my neck spurring me on. My hands tugged at his jeans, pulling him closer.

  Grayson’s hand gently gripped my wrist, pausing me in my quest to undo the stubborn button of his jeans. He pulled away slightly, his eyes brushing across my face.

  "I need to tell you something before I let myself get lost in you," he murmured, his eyes dropping down to my lips.

  "What?" I wondered if he could hear my heart thudding loudly in my chest. My question stirred his attention from my lips. He locked eyes with me again, his other hand tentatively reaching out to touch a wayward strand of hair. He fingered it for a moment, never breaking eye contact.

  "After the movie, I ran into Lindsay again."

  "Oh?" The combination of the look in his eyes and the tone of his voice had me on edge. I was dancing on his energies, and he knew it. He smiled, trying to ease my mind a little.

  "She made some threats, and tried to stir the pot."

  "How so?" I demanded.

  Grayson sighed, his hand falling back against the counter. "Maybe we should sit down for this conversation." He sighed again and took my hand, leading me out to the living room. The TV was on, with CP 24 relaying breaking news. His eyes didn't even flutter to the screen as he sat down heavily on the couch.

  My heart pounded frantically in my chest as I sat down beside him. I drew my knees up and wrapped my arms around them, as if doing so could protect me from the heavy conversation I knew we were about to have.

  It had been a perfect evening, but there had been something hanging over the both of us. My unasked questions and his unasked questions looming above us like a heavy, dark cloud. I knew we had to have this conversation if we wanted to move forward, just as I knew it was going to hurt me.

  "What did Lindsay say?" I knew that Lindsay was only a portion of the problem, that something else was haunting him, but I didn't know how to ask him so I started with that.

  "She knows that Cadence is our daughter." He frowned, shaking his head. "Guess it's pretty fucking obvious, but I don't like that she knows."

  "How did she try to stir the pot?" I asked, my voice tiny. Of course, I'd seen the look on her face at the movie theater. I knew she had guessed it.

  Grayson swallowed hard. I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he did so. He closed his eyes for a moment while he considered his answer. "She tried to make me think I'd slept with her."

  "What do you mean?" I was confused by his vague words. They didn't make any sense to my ears. Dread overwhelmed me at the idea of them together. "Did you?" he shook his head vehemently, and I relaxed a mere fraction.

  "There's something you need to understand about that...time between then and now," Grayson said, his voice raw as if the memories pained him. I felt my heart squeeze painfully in my chest and I knew that whatever he was going to tell me would
test the fragile ground of our relationship. I took a deep breath, trying to steel myself against the impending heartache.

  "Just tell me, Grayson," I begged. The unknown was making the air harder to take in.

  "Everly..." His voice was like a plea—or a prayer. I could hear the pain in it, pain that he was desperately trying to reign in.

  "I get it Grayson, you weren't in a good place...but please, be honest with me." My heart was pounding in my chest, mostly from Grayson's gutted reaction to my question.

  "Once I got to Alberta, I threw out my phone. I worked, and basically... that was all I did." He winced. "When I wasn't working, I was either drinking my weight at the local bar, or..."

  I knew why he didn't continue on. The regret that lined every one of his handsome features was enough of an indicator of that.

  "I could never drive you from my mind," he admitted, burying his face in his hands. "I tried to, Everly. I thought it was for the best. I drank to try and forget; I bedded so many faceless women, I didn't even bother to ask names. I just wanted to try and erase it, to forget the fact that I fucked up the best thing to ever happen to me. But it never worked—none of it. I heard you everywhere. Hell, I saw you everywhere. It was no good trying to run from my past, from my mistakes...and leaving you was the biggest one. As selfish as that sounds, I didn't even think about my dad or my sisters until I came home. Then I realized the gravity of what I'd done to them."

  My heart ached at his words. Of course, I'd known that Grayson likely hadn't been celibate all those years. It still stung to picture him with anybody else, but I understood. I hadn't been celibate either. What was I supposed to do? I thought he was gone forever. Moving on is the natural progression of things, even if it feels shitty

  "Did you sleep with Lindsay?" It hurt to ask the question, but I had to know. I could maybe deal with faceless women, but not Lindsay.

  "Fuck no." Grayson laughed bitterly. "She almost had me convinced, because honestly, Everly...I don't remember a single fucking thing about any of them. But then I realized that she was playing off that. Stirring the pot because she's jealous of you. But it still doesn't make me feel any better about the others."

  "How do you know that?" I whispered, needing more reassurance.

  He winced. "Katrina works at Tap's. She said the only time Lindsay has ever been at Tap's when I was there was a couple weeks ago...when you were already home."

  "Oh." I exhaled, the relief palpable.

  I tentatively reached out to touch his shoulder. He didn't flinch away from my contact; he just breathed deeply and looked at me with red-rimmed eyes. It was the closest he'd ever been to crying.

  "I can't fault you for trying to move on...I tried too." He winced at my words, not seeking comfort from them. I didn't know if I intended to do that or not.

  "I know I have no right to ask," he said, his tormented gaze locking on mine. I knew what he was asking, even if he couldn't let himself finish the question.

  "There were just two." I looked away. "Nobody you know."

  "Fuck." Grayson dropped his head back into his hands, tugging at the roots. I knew exactly what he was feeling; the same twisted jealousy and hurt I was feeling.

  "Sometimes you have to lose it to understand it," I offered helplessly, my voice breaking. "We can't undo what was done between then and now. We just need to find a way to move past it." I sounded unsure because I was unsure. Grayson and I had both hurt each other so much that it was terrifying to try and think about how we could move past that hurt and build a strong foundation for a healthy relationship.

  He gave me a lopsided smile laced with pain and hope. "When I realized that I could never forget you, that you were it for me, I told myself that if you came back...I'd tell you everything. I will hide nothing from you, Everly. Even if it tears me apart to admit it. I don't want secrets. I don't want you finding out about...that shit from someone who would tell you with the intent to hurt you. I hate that I did that. I hate that I have to tell you this, but I needed it to come from me." I nodded in understanding, my breath coming out in uneasy spurts.

  This was a huge step for Grayson. In high school, I could count on one hand the number of times he talked about his feelings or explained his actions: almost never. He still wasn't the most articulate person when emotional, but at least he was showing it. He was stripping himself bare.

  The tears welled in my eyes, and I couldn't help but cry for the heartbreak I had felt at seventeen—or the heartbreak he felt. I couldn't help but cry for all the years we had lost.

  Grayson's hands cupped my face and he tried to brush away my tears. His eyes were tormented and I knew he would give anything to go back in time and change this so I didn't have to feel this pain. He pulled me against his chest, his arms wrapping around me.

  "I'm so fucking sorry." His voice broke. "I want to be the man you deserve, Everly. Nothing has ever felt more right than being with you...and with Cadence. I want this but every time I turn around, I fuck it up some more."

  "You're not fucking it up." I hiccupped, thinking about how he'd been since I got home. "It's just the past that hurts. Seeing you with Cadence, being with you now, that feels right too. But..." I trailed off, the emotion cutting off my ability to speak.

  This hurt. It hurt in the most raw and painful way. It hurt because it couldn't be undone. It hurt because it was a part of the past and therefore, a part of the future. It hurt because I had no idea how I was supposed to let go.

  "I wish I could take it all back," Grayson murmured. His lips were pressed against my hair. He took a shuddering breath. "I promise you, Everly, I will never hurt you again. I will never push you away. I should have realized this a hell of a lot sooner than I did. I was a fucking idiot."

  "At least you realize it now," I said.

  He snorted in agreement.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Grayson

  IT HAD BEEN INCREDIBLY hard to look at Everly when I was laying all my ugly secrets out on the table. I knew it pained her to hear about the faceless women, the drinking—hell, even the fighting. She'd openly wept when I told her about returning home and realizing just how badly I had hurt Chloe.

  I was stupid, though. I allowed myself to fester in the resentment and hatred that spilled from my mother. I allowed myself to believe that my new family didn't care, because how could they? They were happy with each other; they didn't need me. I was a black hole that made them miserable.

  I bared my soul to her, every last ugly part of it that I hated. I knew in doing so that I was hurting her. Clawing at her damaged heart; the heart that I had damaged through my own carelessness, and that ripped me in ways I'd never felt pain before...and I'd felt a lot of pain. It was in my nature to be self-destructive, but this? This came from the need to purge it out and seek forgiveness.

  This came from me no longer wanting to self-destruct. It came from me wanting to throw open a new chapter, not just for us, but for me too. It was a long time coming, but it was inevitable.

  And she knew that. I knew by looking at her that Everly knew it. She saw all my ugly colors, all of my mistakes, and although they hurt her, she understood them. She understood me.

  With all my pieces in front of her, Everly just as easily could have given up on me. She could have told me to fuck off. How easy would that have been? Pretty easy. I'd given her more than enough reasons to back away from me, to take Cadence and run. But she knew that this time I wasn't saying these things out of spite to hurt her. I was telling her because she had to know.

  Everly listened almost silently, her eyes full of tears, never removing her hand from my shoulder. When her arms wrapped around me, I almost lost it.

  "Where do we go from here?" My voice broke. The light kept catching on that beautiful teardrop diamond, reminding me that everything was coming full circle. I hadn't meant to spill it all out then and there; it just happened...and it had to happen.

  "We move forward," she whispered into my ear. "I won't hold the past a
gainst you, Grayson...and I hope you won't hold my past against me."

  As if I could ever hold the past against her. Every decision she made after walking out that door was because of me. Because I had forced her. Because I was gone.

  My hand encompassed the back of her neck, tucking into her long layers of hair. I twisted the soft strands around my fingers, using it to guide her face to mine before I possessed her lips. I had to feel her beneath me; I needed her in the most achingly raw way.

  She whimpered against me. I could feel her heartbeat increasing beneath my lips as I kissed her neck, her chin, her lips and anywhere else my lips landed. She tugged on my shirt, trying to pull it over my head without breaking the kiss. I inched away, ripping it off and casting it aside. I slipped hers off too in one quick motion, letting it fall wherever it landed. I saw nothing but Everly and her perfection. Our lips came together in a desperate tempo. Her teeth sank into my bottom lip as she pulled me back on top of her.

  "Your pants need to come off now," she panted beneath me, trying to struggle with the button while I pressed my pelvis against hers.

  "I couldn't agree more, angel," I almost growled. I was straining in my jeans to the point of pain. Before I handled that particular roadblock, I focused on finishing undressing her. The skin of her thigh was like ivory beneath my hand. Her eyes fluttered closed as my hand roamed upward, teasing her through her lacy thong. She whimpered again, a tortuous sound of need and pleasure. I couldn't help the smirk that accompanied such a beautiful noise.

  I'd missed hearing her whimper with pleasure. I missed the way that she reacted to me. It was a stroke to the ego and the most erotic thing I'd ever experienced. When I was with her, I was completely with her. I didn't miss a single thing. I felt, rather than saw, every flutter of her lashes; every soft sigh of pleasure.

  And I didn't ever want to lose that again. I couldn't.

  "Grayson..." she pleaded with those luminous green eyes. "I need you now."

  I didn't need to be told twice. I pulled her thong off, tossing it over my shoulder before I abandoned my jeans and boxers in a heap on the floor and dove into the greatest, most satisfying addiction I'd ever had.