To Say Goodbye
Page 23
They sat for a while longer, Sophia lost in memories. They didn’t verbalize their stories. This wasn’t the place. They sat, hand in hand, remembering the man who had touched both of their lives.
Then, after a while, Sophia swiped at her tears and stood. Jackson followed suit.
“Are you ready to head home?” Jackson questioned, kissing her on the forehead. “No rush, of course.”
Sophia took a step closer to the headstone, stooping down to touch the cold, hard stone. She contemplated the idea in her head for a moment. It was what she wanted to do. It was what she needed.
So she turned to Jackson after straightening back up. “Can we stop somewhere first?”
“Yeah, baby. Wherever you want.”
“I thought we could go to Mama’s.”
Jackson froze, clearly not sure how to respond. “Honey, I don’t know...”
She nodded, taking a deep breath. “I haven’t been there since Tim died. It’s a place of so many memories. I don’t want those memories to die. I know it’s sort of strange asking you to go with me. But I want to honor Tim. I want to know I’ll never let go of that part of my life completely.”
“Sophia, it’s not weird. I’m not hesitant because of how I’ll feel. I’m just worried it will be hard for you.”
“It will. But I don’t want to spend my life avoiding places, memories. I want to remember Tim, but I want to move on, too. Will you go with me? I don’t think I could go there alone. With you, I think I’ll be strong enough.”
“Whatever you want.”
She nodded. She knew it was a strange request, taking Jackson to the place that symbolized her life with Tim. In a way, it was fitting. Mama’s was where her life with Tim began. She wanted to start a new tradition, a new start with Jackson.
She would never say goodbye to her memories with Tim, but she would say hello to new memories. She would march toward the future, a mix of the woman she had been before and the woman she was now.
Jackson and Sophia went to the restaurant. Her heart was heavy when she walked in, and she was teary when she saw the booths that reminded her of those monumental times.
But over spaghetti and lasagna, she and Jackson did the best thing they could have on a day like today. They talked about Tim. They shared in memories. They toasted to the man who had meant so much to both of them.
They walked out, leaning on each other, moving on together in a world without Tim, a world that a year ago had seemed impossible to survive.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
SOPHIA
“You sure you don’t want to change your mind? I don’t want you regretting this.”
“If not wearing a veil is my biggest regret, I’m golden,” Stella said, blowing a piece of her pink hair from her eyes. They were in the tiny bathroom, putting the finishing touches on their makeup. Sophia stood in her turquoise, skin-tight dress—for the first time, she had to completely comply with Stella’s wardrobe choice for her—and her dolphin earrings. She looked... well... interesting, especially with the dress clinging to her bulging belly-bump. There was nothing left to the imagination, and she felt a little bit like a bloated whale in the dress. But Stella was happy, which was all that mattered today.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” Stella said, turning to her. Even on her wedding day, she was still worried about her.
“Are you kidding? It’s your freaking wedding day. I’m thrilled!” She leaned in to hug Stella. The thing was, she was thrilled.
A year ago, this scene would have been impossible. She wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Now, she knew she could brave it. She could more than brave being maid of honor in her best friend’s wedding. She could enjoy it.
Part of it was time. Time didn’t heal wounds, but it did make them a little duller. She still missed Tim. Some days were harder than others. Some days, she was still angry the universe had ripped her perfect life apart. Some days when she saw his favorite television show or smelled a whiff of his cologne, she almost fell apart.
But the “some days” were getting farther apart and more bearable.
Part of it was time, but a big part of it was something else.
Jackson.
He didn’t replace Tim. He never could. She wouldn’t want him to. But he did remind her life was for living. He made her smile. He made her excited.
Hand resting on her belly bump, she smiled. Life was moving on. There were so many beautiful moments to grab. She was ready to grab them.
“I think we should go. Jackson just texted to say Larry is ready,” Sophia said after her phone buzzed. Jackson was a groomsman, and Larry’s brother was the best man.
“Okay, let’s do this,” Stella said, not an ounce of nerves apparent.
They marched out to the lobby area, a red rose in each of their hands. Stella’s sister and parents were waiting in the lobby as well, ready to walk down the makeshift aisle.
The aquarium was eerily quiet. Larry had paid extra to have it shut down for the wedding. At first, the aquarium wasn’t sure how to handle such a request—they probably didn’t have many couples beg to get married there. But, after some coaxing, they complied.
So, here they were. A group of thirty of Stella and Larry’s best friends and family ready to watch them say vows by the dolphin enclosure.
Sophia wouldn’t expect anything else.
_______________
With a backdrop of noisy, splashing dolphins, Larry and Stella said their own vows. Stella promised to be faithful to Larry despite his love of pleated pants and kale. Larry agreed to love Stella despite her hatred for organization and her love of the Pittsburgh Penguins. The ceremony was quirky, down to earth, informal... but it was moving.
It was moving to see the love radiating from Stella and Larry. Stella’s smile was never as wide, as beautiful as it was when she was with Larry. They completed each other, balanced each other. They were good for each other.
When Stella and Larry leaned in for their first kiss, Sophia couldn’t help but wink at Jackson. She felt her heart leap a little.
Not long ago, this would have been agonizing. Not long ago, she had burst into tears at the thought of Stella getting married. Now, she was hanging on to a vision of tomorrow. She could see a life for herself that, like Stella, was filled with her best smiles.
Despite the layers of pain and worry, despite all of the what ifs and maybes, she saw something. She saw herself, one day in the future, standing with Jackson, a preacher telling him to kiss his bride. For the first time, the thought didn’t make her feel guilty or scared. It just made her look forward to what was coming.
That night, after Jackson and Sophia headed home following an evening of cake, dancing, and toasts to the happy couple, after they had celebrated the romance in the air in their own way, Sophia lay beside Jackson in bed. His arms around her, she nestled in against him.
“Today was nice,” she said against his bare chest. He played with her hair with his free hand.
“It was. They make a great couple. And despite the unconventional locale, it was a beautiful wedding.”
They basked in a silent moment.
“Jackson?”
“Yeah, babe?”
She paused, hesitant. But then she decided to go all in.
“Do you think someday that could be us?”
He shifted to look at her. “You mean married?”
She nodded, feeling her cheeks burn. “I mean, not now or anything. Just someday.”
He smiled, leaning in even closer. He was very serious. “When Chloe stomped on my heart, I said never again. I vowed to never, ever marry again.”
Her heart sank. “Oh.” She turned away. She was stupid for saying this.
He took his hand and grabbed her chin, turning him to face her. “Then you came along. You changed everything. Absolutely everything. You talk about how broken you were when we found each other, but you don’t see how I was broken, too. I thought I’d never say hello to a new relationshi
p. I thought I’d never let go of the hurt and the mistrust. But one look at you, one walk with you, and it all changed. I knew I could leave behind the man I was, the man Chloe made me.”
Sophia’s heart reignited. She hadn’t realized how much she needed to hear this until now. She put a hand on his stubbly face.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too,” he replied, softly kissing her lips. “So yes. Yes, I see us married. Just like the dating and moving in and everything in between, it’s on your terms. Whenever you’re ready.”
She knew in that moment, without a doubt, that with Jackson, it was possible. With Jackson, she could love again, marry again.
She could, in fact, be ready to let go.
EPILOGUE
SOPHIA
“Are you sure about this?” she asked hesitantly, examining her lipstick in the visor mirror. It wasn’t that she needed to look good. She was just filled with nervous energy, excitement... and anxiety, too.
“Hey, stop it right there. We talked about this.”
“I know, but I feel bad.”
“Well stop it.” He reached for her hand, and she turned, looking at him.
She was so lucky. He was gorgeous, and he understood.
He understood her through the good days, the laughter. But he understood her when the sadness crept in. There wasn’t a hint of jealousy or anger or frustration. He let her be her. He let her grieve. Jackson acknowledged grief wasn’t a straight line.
He loved her anyway.
When the car slowed to the spot all too familiar, she inhaled.
“Do you want me to come?”
She turned to him. “Would you mind if I went alone?”
He nodded and smiled. “Take your time. I’ll be here.”
“I know.” She gave him one last smile and rubbed his hand before getting out of the car, being careful not to step in the mud puddle in her sparkly shoes.
She softly walked through the wet grass, sunrays cascading and bouncing around the headstones.
When she reached the familiar spot, she stopped.
It had been two years since the ground had accepted Tim. It had been two years since the widowed woman in all black tried to toss herself in beside him.
It had been two years since she saw her life as though it were as dark and musty as the cold earth Tim had been lowered into.
The years had been strange, no doubt. She’d gone through the cycle of grief and back through it. She’d woven in and out of the sorrow, the anger, the guilt, the anxiety. She’d cried herself to sleep. She’d cried herself awake. She’d gone numb, gone lifeless, gone limp.
Somehow, she’d remerged from the grave. She’d come back to life. Her parents, Stella, they’d played a role.
But it was Jackson, the man in the car waiting for her, who had really made her see life wasn’t over. He’d crept his way in slowly and surely. He’d found her heart before she even knew it still existed. He’d made her reconnect with life.
Two years ago, she’d never have seen herself here. At the time, two years didn’t seem like enough time to figure out how to move on. She’d known women who lost their husbands and died single, grieving for decades. She’d known women who took five years to gain the courage to date again. For Sophia, it had taken two years and finding love in an unexpected place. Grief was like that, she realized. It moved at its own pace, in its own way. It wasn’t something you could generalize, even though people tried.
She’d had plenty of stares, plenty of whispers in the grocery store. She’d heard words of “slow down” and “how could you move on” and “I could never.” She’d heard all the judgment. It wore on her sometimes, it did. She hated how people assumed they knew her, knew her situation, knew her heart. She was getting better. Stronger. She no longer worried about the grocery store gossipers.
She knew she had to do what was right for her.
She was different now. She wasn’t the woman she’d been with Tim. She was hardened, a little wiser, a little leerier than that woman had been.
It was okay, though. She knew now she would never be the Sophia who was on Tim’s arm. Life had taken that from her. It wasn’t fair. It was still awful.
But she could survive it. She had survived it.
She stood staring at the only physical remnant of the life he’d lived. The man who had been the love of her life, who had seen her through her twenties. It still hurt to imagine him there, to realize this was all that was left of him now. It always would hurt.
This wasn’t all of him that was left, though. Tim had been a great man. He’d left his mark on so many lives. He’d left his mark on her life, had embossed her heart with his words, with their memories.
A gentle smile crept over her face. This was where she needed to be. It seemed odd at first. This was probably the last place most would come today. She knew she needed this, though. She needed to come, to find closure, to find a sense of peace. At first, she’d felt guilty, the pull between two men always a struggle. Jackson, though, was the first to let the pull go, to snap his end of the rubber band and let her feel free from the wrath of guilt.
When she’d looked at him, doughy-eyed an hour ago, he knew. She didn’t have to say a word... which was good because she wasn’t sure what the right words were.
“Soph, we can stop there. You know we can.”
“Won’t it be weird for you? I don’t want you to...”
“Hey,” he said, wrapping her in his arms. “We’ve talked about this. I love you. You love me. But Tim will always be an important part of your life, a part of you. I’m not taking that away from you.”
So here they were. Here she was, doing what she needed to do.
This life would never be easy. There would be pulls back and forth. There would still be moments when she felt sadness, felt guilt creep in. But with Jackson, she knew it would be okay. They would be okay.
She moved across the grass, sitting down on the stone, running her hand over the smooth top. She let her mind go back to a foreign yet familiar place. She didn’t tell herself she shouldn’t be thinking of this or that it was weird. She, as she had learned over the past few months, just let herself go, let herself feel what she needed to feel.
_______________
Her hands were shaking, the yellow daffodils clearly showcasing her nerves.
“You okay?” her dad asked, tapping her arm.
“I will be. I don’t know why I’m so nervous.” She looked down at her sparkly white ballet flats—Stella had insisted she needed a shoe with pizzazz, especially if she were wearing a knee-length dress. She looked up now, seeing her best friend making her way down the makeshift aisle in the middle of the field. She wore a bright yellow tea-length dress, her pink hair vibrant against it. She wished Stella could come back, could help her down the aisle. She needed Stella to help her snap out of it, to remind her it was all good.
It was a small gathering, only forty of their closest friends and family. The white folding chairs were perfectly arranged in the middle of the field, the archway centered perfectly with wildflowers as a backdrop. It was magical; it was whimsical, like something straight out of a fairy tale.
The lone violin—a high school student Stella knew through a family friend—began to play the music.
“That’s our cue, baby. You ready?” her dad asked. She took a deep breath, her hands still shaky.
“Yes,” she said assuredly.
She was nervous, hell she was terrified. But not because of what she was about to do or because of any doubts in the man at the end of the aisle. Life was filled with uncertainties, but her love for Tim wasn’t one of them. She couldn’t wait to vow to love him forever because in her heart, she knew she would. No matter what.
She walked steadily, leaning on her father. She made eye contact with her mom, who was tearing up. She looked to Stella, who winked and gave her a thumbs up.
Only then, when she was near the end of the aisle, did she let herself look at him.
She looked at him, standing there in his gray suit, and she saw what she thought she’d never find.
Love. Security. Assurance.
A future, a certain future full of hope, love, and discovery.
When her hand found Tim’s, she stopped shaking. She was still nervous, still full of energy from the momentousness of the day. But she was also calmed. With her hand in his, she knew everything would be okay.
“I love you,” he said as soon as they were in their places and the music stopped.
The minister chuckled. “Not yet.” Tim winked at him, and Sophia smiled.
Their ceremony was simple, beautiful, complete. When the vows came, Sophia said hers with assurance, looking in Tim’s eyes, tears welling in her own.
But when his turn came and he was to repeat the “Till death do us part” line, he paused. The minister repeated them.
“I’m sorry. I can’t.”
Sophia’s heart stopped, her palms becoming sweaty. She knew this was too good to be true. He was backing out. He’d realized she wasn’t worth it.
Everyone sat, silently appraising the situation. “I can’t say those words, because they’re not true.” He squeezed Sophia’s hands. “The thing is, I don’t want to think about our love ending, about it severing with our death. I love you so much, Sophia, that not even death is going to stop this feeling. I’ll never say goodbye to you, Sophia. This love, it’s not going to end with death or with anything else for that matter.” She felt her face tighten as she beamed, looking into the eyes of the man who would be her forever.
They exchanged rings, a kiss, and were pronounced man and wife. Running down the aisle as a new bride, Sophia laughed as their family and friends cheered. Holding Tim’s hand, she came to one conclusion, the sun shining in assurance her promise was true.
She would never, ever let this man go.
_______________
“The thing is, Tim, I don’t want to say goodbye. I never did. Back then, when we got married, we were just two naïve kids who thought we could choose our destiny. We thought love was a choice. But it isn’t. Sometimes life makes the choice for us. I will never forget our love. I will never forget us. I will always, always love you. Always. But, I have to let go of the thought I can’t be happy without you. You loved me enough to make me believe I can be happy again. I’ve found that happiness. I found what I thought was impossible—a life without you. It was faster than I expected. It was different than I expected. But I guess that’s what we learned, huh? Life never goes as we expect it to. It’s crazy, it’s messy, and it’s awful. And then it’s beautiful. And then it’s confusing. It’s all of these things rolled into one giant ball of madness. When you died, I thought I was done with it all. I did. But I’ve learned there’s still good here for me. There’s still so much to hang onto. So I’m not ready to say goodbye to my life, not yet. I’m not saying goodbye to you either. I’m just saying I’m okay. I’m more than okay. I’m happy. I love you.”