If I Should Stay

by Tamara Lynn

  Julia stayed well after the class, letting the students have as much of her time as they wanted. When they all left, Julia turned her back and began packing her messenger bag. In the quiet of the room, she was surprised that she did not hear that there was someone behind her.

  “Julia,” Lauren’s voice was scratchy.

  Julia lifted her head. Did she really just hear Lauren’s voice? Is her mind playing tricks on her? Cruel tricks? She slowly turned around and faced the voice.

  Lauren cleared her throat, but somehow still couldn’t manage to speak. She searched Julia’s eyes. Did she see hurt? Anger? Love? Or was it dead?

  “You didn’t come,” Julia’s voice was emotionless.

  With the silence broken, Lauren’s words fell like waterfalls. “I did. I promise I did. I found the note you left.”

  “I was there,” Julia still had not moved. She showed nothing for Lauren to work with. “I was there and you were not.”

  “I was,” Lauren pleaded. “I was late. I tried to get there earlier, but…” Lauren paused. How can she earn Julia’s trust while still not being open and honest? “I couldn’t get away from work.”

  Julia had no idea what to do. Part of her wanted to grab Lauren in her arms. She loved this woman and was so afraid she would have to spend the rest of her life without her. At the same time, these emotions, these feelings were so volatile, and Julia did not know how to harness them. She burnt down her house. Burnt it to the ground. Could she afford to have someone in her life that was so dangerous to her sanity?

  “Please give me one more chance,” Lauren reached out and held Julia’s hand. “I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. I am so so so sorry that I missed you that night. Give me a chance to make it up to you and prove,” Lauren squeezed Julia’s hand and took a deep breath. “Let me prove that I love you.”

  “I want to take it slow,” Julia finally conceded a little ground. “Let’s try to build something normal.”

  Lauren nodded. “Okay, you set the pace.”

  “Should we start with coffee?” Julia asked.

  This was going to be hard. Now that Lauren had found Julia, she wanted to spend every possible second with her. “When?” Lauren asked. Please say now.

  Julia looked at her watch. “I can go now if you have time.”

  ◆◆◆

  For the first little bit, Julia struggled to make conversation. She had so many emotions racing through her mind. She was excited to have Lauren back in her life, but so afraid of what the future may hold. She didn’t trust Lauren, and she sure didn’t trust herself. As usual, Lauren was talking non-stop, so Julia happily let her take the lead.

  “What exactly did that note mean?” Lauren took a drink of her coffee. “Were you happy I didn’t show up, so that you could be free of us?”

  Julia never expected that it would be interpreted that way. In truth, by the time she had written the note, she didn’t think Lauren was even coming to the meeting place.

  “No, it was in relation to my painting. I wanted to thank you for setting me free. Since you came into my life, I’ve been able to paint again.” Julia felt exposed having to admit that.

  “Are you painting?” Lauren was direct.

  “Yes,” Julia smiled. “I am.”

  “Do you have a show lined up yet?”

  “Not yet. I have a gallery interested. I need to finish a few more paintings first.” Julia was hoping that she could have everything ready by May.

  “It feels so good being here with you right now. I have missed you more than you know,” Lauren was trying to hold back, but it wasn’t something she was ever good at.

  “Slow, remember?” Julia raised an eyebrow.

  “I know, I know.” It was taking all of Lauren’s will power, what little she had, to keep from pulling Julia across the table and kissing her.

  “Can I take you out to dinner and a movie?” Lauren asked. She felt like such a teenager at that moment.

  Julia could tell Lauren was tortured. She found it amusing that Lauren invited her to a movie of all things. “Friday?”

  “I work weekends,” Lauren said. “Can you do a weeknight?”

  “Tell me where you work,” Julia looked her directly in the eyes.

  She hated this. She wanted to tell Julia about her arrangement with Giancarlo and Luciana. She wanted to explain the two-year plan. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it. There was too great of a chance that Julia would run for the hills if she found out that Lauren was a hooker. Why would anyone choose to date someone in this line of work? Maybe later on down the road, once their relationship was established and strong, Lauren would reveal the truth.

  “You know I can’t tell you,” Lauren looked away. She couldn’t handle eye contact in this moment.

  She decided to change the subject. “I went by your house, looking for you, and I saw what the remnants of the fire.”

  Julia stiffened. What was she supposed to tell Lauren? That she was crazy? Over a woman she barely knew, she’d lost her mind and burnt down her house? It wasn’t intentional, she reminded herself. She was really just trying to burn some paintings.

  “Total loss,” Julia said. “It’s completely gone.”

  “I’m sorry,” Lauren reached out and put a hand on Julia’s.

  Julia smiled, but did not pull away. “It’s ok, I never really liked that house anyway.”

  “One of your neighbors said that you were buying a place in the country?”

  “Yes, I did. It’s just across the state line in Virginia.” Julia relaxed thinking about the farm. It had that effect on her. “It’s beautiful, and peaceful. Very tranquil.”

  “Tell me about it.” Lauren ran her fingers lightly over Julia’s.

  “I bought a few Pygmy goats.” Julia knew it was ridiculous, but she loved them. “They have all kinds of energy. They are always bouncing all over the place and wagging their tales.”

  “I love goats, they are so adorable.” Lauren hoped she would get the opportunity to see the farm soon.

  “Let’s see, I also have rabbits, chickens, and a bunch of barn cats,” Julia continued. “I’m just starting my collection. Basically, I’m going to get every animal I ever wanted. It will be a pretty random bunch.”

  “I had no idea you liked animals so much,” Lauren could listen to her talk all day.

  “I do,” Julia replied. “Do you?”

  “I always have,” Lauren smiled. “Right now, I have a little orange kitten named El Diablo.”

  “The devil? That’s hilarious!”

  “Yeah, he shredded the boots I bought in Ireland,” Lauren frowned.

  “No, I loved those boots.” Without even thinking about it, Julia leaned over and looked under the table at what shoes Lauren was wearing.

  They were black strappy heels. Lauren flirtatiously ran the tip of her right shoe along the outside of Julia’s leg.

  The move had the effect Lauren wanted it to. She could see the softening in Julia’s eyes.

  “I’m glad you found me,” Julia gently offered.

  “Me too.”

  ◆◆◆

  “I can’t believe you actually got to see her,” Holly turned around so that Julia could zip her dress.

  It was Friday night, and Giancarlo was sending them to a Washington Nationals game. A multinational company rented out the suites at the stadium and he was sending them to advertise his brand again.

  “I don’t even like baseball,” Holly said.

  Lauren laughed. Ever since reuniting with Julia, Lauren’s mood had been almost bubbly. “I doubt we will see much of the game.”

  Lauren looked in the mirror. She had a glow about her. Her skin was looking great, her eyes were bright. She did not want to go tonight, but she looked at each job as one more step on the road to freedom. She would focus on her upcoming date with Julia and use that as a distraction from reality for the night.

  “I’m taking her to dinner and a movie,” Lauren said. “Is
n’t that cheesy?”

  “Yeah but who doesn’t like a good movie?” Holly was right. An entire city on the West Coast was built on that truth. “What do you plan on wearing?”

  “I’m not sure yet. Some sort of sexy shoes, and for sure the earrings she gave me.” Lauren wished that she could return the favor. Buy Julia something expensive and pretty. But in reality, Lauren had very little to her name. Giancarlo and Luciana took the majority of the money she earned. And after the Ireland fiasco, Luciana took back the bonus she had paid Lauren. That left her with $700 in her bank account. She wouldn’t have been able to even afford one of those earrings.

  Lauren already decided to spend $100 of that on the flowers she was sending to the university on Monday. Every penny she made, she would gladly spend on Julia if she had the chance. It made the torture of her job almost bearable.

  Before they left, Lauren snapped a quick selfie and sent it off to Julia with a quick text, “Thinking of you! XO.”

  ◆◆◆

  Painting was easier with Lauren in her life. The worked flowed so smoothly. She could hardly make her hands travel fast enough to capture the passion flowing out of her heart.

  Julia showed up early on Monday morning, eager to put in as much studio time as she could. There were so many students in the program that at times it was difficult to get through any amount of time in the studio where she was uninterrupted.

  Today was no different. It was as though Kate had bugged the place. How else did she know Julia was there so early in the morning?

  “I brought us breakfast,” Kate placed a bag of bagels on a table.

  Julia stiffened at the way Kate used the word “us”.

  “Thank you,” Julia said. She did not look up from her canvas.

  “How was your weekend?” Kate settled in to the space next to her and began setting up a canvas.

  Really? We’re going to do this today? I hate small talk. “Good, I spent some time working with a contractor on the studio at my farm.” Julia felt like it couldn’t get finished fast enough.

  “Wow,” Kate looked over at her. “Then you won’t be painting here anymore will you?”

  “No, but I will still be teaching on occasion,” Julia explained.

  “I’ll attend all of your sessions,” Kate dutifully announced.

  Julia sighed. She felt the need to clarify. “I’m sure I’m misreading the situation. But I think you should know that I’m not available. I am in a relationship. And very much in love.” She hadn’t said those words to Lauren yet, but she knew her heart. She knew she loved Lauren.

  “You are not misreading anything,” Kate got up and walked over close to Julia. “And I don’t care if you are in a relationship. I can share.”

  Julia stood up and took a step back, putting some space between them. “I can’t.”

  There was a thick air of silence between them. Kate looked her into her eyes as if sizing up the challenge.

  Julia didn’t say a thing.

  “Ok,” Kate finally took a step back. “If you change your mind, let me know.” Without cleaning up any of her art supplies, Kate simply grabbed her coat and walked out of the room.

  Her flow was damaged. Completely destroyed. What just happened? What was wrong with that girl? She really needed to get the studio at the farm completed as soon as possible.

  Julia jumped at the sound of a knock on the door.

  “Excuse me,” a delivery man walked in with a massive bouquet of flowers. “These are for Julia James.”

  “I’m her,” Julia walked over to sign his papers. “Thank you.”

  She reluctantly took the flowers. Were they from Kate? It was too much.

  Julia put them down on the counter and pulled out the card. She didn’t hardly want to read it.

  When she opened the card, she felt her breath catch in her throat. The flowers were from Lauren.

  Now that I’ve found you I’m never letting you go.

  Chapter 7

  “You wore the earrings I bought you,” Julia noted as she sat down at the table.

  Without even thinking about it, Lauren raised a hand to her ear. “I love them. Thank you.”

  “Thank you for the gorgeous flowers you sent me today.” They were, up until this point, the best part of her day.

  As she opened the menu to order, Julia had a flashback to Ireland when she realized that Lauren was not in the same financial situation that she, Olivia and Amanda were in. She observed Lauren closely to see if she could pick up any additional clues. She wondered what kind of government job would have Lauren working such crazy hours. One would think that it had to pay well. Still, she had a feeling that something was off.

  It was not that she was interested in Lauren’s money. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Julia did not care at all about money. She had more of it than she needed. Julia would feel more comfortable if Lauren would just allow her to pay for everything. But how does one bring up such a subject?

  “How was your weekend?” Lauren asked.

  Julia smiled and looked at the alluring woman sitting across from her. It was nice to have this sort of conversation. Before now, Julia hadn’t realized that life on the farm was a little lonely. “It was nice. I worked a little bit with the contractor on my studio. I need to get that finished as soon as possible.”

  “What’s the hurry?” Lauren wasn’t overly excited about Julia having one less reason to come in to the city.

  “It’s hard to get a lot of work done at the school. Too many people interrupt me.”

  “Like your fan club?” Lauren grinned.

  “What do you mean?” Julia tried to play innocent.

  “I saw the students lining up to talk to you after class. Especially that one brunette.”

  “Kate,” Julia smirked. “She came on to me pretty strong today. Perfect day to send me flowers!”

  Lauren was surprised to feel a pang of jealousy. “That’s bold, coming on to your teacher.”

  “Tale as old as time,” Julia responded. She picked up on the bit of jealousy in Lauren’s tone. She kind of liked it. “I would never cross that line though.”

  “Just what lines would you cross?” Lauren lowered her voice.

  When she spoke directly, in that deep tone, Julia almost lost herself. It was like she forgot she was in the middle of a packed restaurant. Or that she was raised a lady. Lauren’s voice gave Julia a primal urge to pull Lauren into her arms.

  “Simmer down,” Julia teased. Still, she hoped that Lauren wouldn’t.

  A moment of silence, drenched in desire, hung between the two of them. She could hardly stand it anymore, so Julia changed the subject. “How was your weekend?”

  The fire fell out of the moment, and Lauren took a quick breath. “It was good. I went to a baseball game.”

  “The Washington Nationals?”

  “Yes. I really know very little about baseball, but it was a work event so I had to go.” Lauren felt uncomfortable with this conversation. She began plotting a subject change.

  “Was it like a team builder?” Julia asked.

  “Um, something like that,” Lauren really hated this. “It was more of a marketing event.”

  Julia was collecting little pieces of the picture. Eventually, she would figure out the whole story.

  “Enough about me,” Lauren expertly steered the conversation. “How did your house catch on fire?”

  Julia did not want to talk about this. She let out a loud sigh. “It was an accident. I was cleaning. It’s a long story.”

  She could tell that Julia was holding back. Lauren was not about to judge. “Well, I’m glad you were able to get out okay.”

  When the bill came, Lauren reached for it before Julia could get her hands on it. “I asked you out on this date, that means I get to pay.”

  “That’s not necessary. I don’t want your money,” Julia pleaded.

  “It’s necessary to me.”

  Julia raised her eyebrow and watched as Lauren produced
cash to pay the bill. The dinner was nearly $150. That seemed like a little more cash than most people carry. Julia filed it mentally.

  At the movie, Lauren insisted on paying once again. “Why do I work so hard if I can’t spend it on the woman I adore?”

  “You adore me?” Julia bit her lip. That was a cute expression she hadn’t heard in a while.

  “Maybe,” Lauren teased.

  ◆◆◆

  There were times that Julia really disliked Lauren’s work hours. Tonight was one of those nights. Julia was attending a fundraising dinner for the university. They’d asked her to speak about the art

  program. It was the perfect time for Julia to debut her charming new girlfriend. It wasn’t going to happen though.

  Lauren wasn’t there, but Kate was. She did her best to corral all of Julia’s attention.

  Thankfully, Dr. Everly pulled her to the side. “I’ve been dying to tell you,” he excitedly whispered.

  “What?” Julia’s curiosity could not be contained.

  “We are opening another staff position in the art department,” he smiled.

  “Really? That’s great news,” Julia replied.

  “I agree,” he pulled her around the corner. “I want you to apply.”

  “Me?” Julia realized the question was a bit ridiculous since it was only the two of them in the hallway.

  “Yes, you are the one I want for the position. The application is merely a formality.”

  Julia tugged at her collar. Never in her life had she considered a career in teaching. “I’m honored. I really am. But I need to think about it.”

  “That’s fair. The position will be open for two weeks. Just make up your mind in that time.” Dr. Everly took her by the shoulders. “Give it some serious thought.”

  “I will, I promise.” Julia knew it would be a big decision. Maybe talking it through with Lauren would help. She made her way out onto the balcony and pulled out her phone. She knew that Lauren was working, but she had to check her phone anyhow. No missed calls. No missed texts.

  “There you are,” Kate’s voice broke the silence.

  Julia rolled her eyes. She could not get away from this woman.