If I Should Stay

by Tamara Lynn

  “Your speech was incredible,” Kate’s flattery was relentless.

  “Thank you,” Julia managed a smile.

  Kate moved in closer, almost pinning Julia against the edge of the balcony. “I just can’t seem to get you out of my head.”

  “Kate,” Julia interrupted her.

  “Can’t you just give me a chance?” Kate continued. “Just one date. I’ll treat you better than anyone ever has.”

  “Excuse me,” Lauren shoved her arm between them. “Can I speak to my girlfriend please?”

  Kate took a step back in shock. She didn’t know Lauren was coming tonight.

  Lauren quickly led Julia back into the building.

  “You’re here?” Julia said in disbelief.

  “Just in the nick of time, it seems. You were getting way too cozy on the balcony.” Lauren hated the jealousy in her voice. She hoped that Julia didn’t notice.

  “Thank you,” Julia wrapped her arm through Lauren’s. “I was having trouble keeping her at bay. She really doesn’t know the meaning of personal space.”

  Lauren looked Julia up and down. “I can’t say that I blame her.”

  Julia laughed and pulled Lauren closer. “How did you get away from work for the night?”

  It wasn’t easy. If she hadn’t been with Matt Kelly, she would have probably never made it. As it was, Matt wanted to meet up with his boyfriend. So, as soon as they were free of their obligations for the night, Matt was ready to go.

  “It’s complicated,” Lauren smiled.

  “Well, you sure dress nice for work,” Julia said. She was trying all she could to get more pieces of the puzzle from Lauren.

  “Sometimes,” Lauren smiled. She was glad that she was able to come tonight. Julia looked ravishing in her dress. For the life of her she wished that she could stay by Julia’s side for the rest of their days.

  Julia lowered her voice. “Do you want to come to my place tonight?”

  “Yes, with every fiber of my being I want to,” Lauren replied. “But I can’t tonight. I have to work in the morning.”

  “So, we’ll set an alarm,” Julia offered.

  Lauren really wanted to take her up on that offer, but she knew there would be no getting around the curfew and Giancarlo. She had to think of some better excuse than work. Something that could buy her a couple of weeks, maybe months. Hopefully two years.

  “I really can’t,” Lauren began her lie. “Something happened. Something horrible. I don’t really feel comfortable talking about it right now. Because of that situation, I get severe anxiety when it comes to staying overnight at people’s houses. I know it is something that I have to get past, but right now, I’m just not there yet. Can you give me time?”

  Julia’s expression grew serious. “Do you not trust me?”

  Lauren didn’t want her to go down that path. “No, Julia. I trust you. This is just an issue in my head. I need to deal with this.”

  “Ok,” Julia tried to be supportive. She didn’t like this, and truly preferred to talk it out. But who knows what happened to Lauren? Maybe she was assaulted. Maybe not. Whatever the case, Julia didn’t think it was right to push a person out of their comfort zone.

  “I hate to swing by so quickly and then leave,” Lauren didn’t want to go, but she did have a curfew.

  “You’re leaving already?” Julia felt horrible. She must have made Lauren uncomfortable.

  “Yes, just don’t tell your student. I don’t think I could handle her coming on to you again,” Lauren teased.

  Lauren leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. Then she left before Julia could even protest or try to talk her out of it.

  She checked her watch when she got to the sidewalk. When she finished with Matt, she told Johnny that she wanted to have some time to herself. He drove on home. Now she needed to catch a cab. Quickly.

  This is why she didn’t bother to date people. It was far too complicated with her line of work. Not only was she not available at normal hours, but she also could not be open and honest about her career. Maybe she should just walk away before she made a bigger mess of things. Who was she kidding? She was powerless to fight this attraction to Julia. Wild horses couldn’t drag her away.

  ◆◆◆

  The wooden pew was just as uncomfortable as the ones in the church where Lauren grew up. Matt’s niece was getting baptized today, and Matt arranged for Lauren to come along.

  She thought she would feel uncomfortable being in a church. Especially since she was being paid to be there. To perpetuate a lie. Surprisingly, she felt quite at ease. Like she was coming home after a long journey.

  Matt and Lauren were beginning to develop a friendship. He liked having her around. She enjoyed her assignments with him. He was a kind and gentle man. Not the kind she normally encountered in her work.

  “Do you have a boyfriend?” Matt whispered as they stood in line for refreshments.

  “Girlfriend,” Lauren responded.

  Matt nodded. He liked her even more now. “How does that work? Is it complicated?”

  “Very much so,” Lauren replied. “I haven’t figured out yet how to tell her what I do for work.”

  Matt almost dropped his plate of food. “She doesn’t know?”

  “How do you tell someone something like that?” Lauren laughed. “Seriously, though, I don’t know.”

  “How should I know? I can’t even tell my parents that I am gay.” Matt shrugged his shoulders and gave her a sheepish grin.

  ◆◆◆

  After church with Matt, Lauren sent Johnny home and then took an Uber out to Julia’s farm. It was more picturesque than she had imagined. Serene rolling fields of grass were framed by clean white fences and evenly spaced trees.

  Julia met her at the door. “Welcome to the farm!”

  Lauren rushed out of the car and into Julia’s arms. The Uber ride was expensive but being near Julia made it worth every penny.

  “You didn’t drive?” Julia looked over Lauren’s shoulder as the car drove away.

  Lies, lies, and more lies. What could Lauren say this time? Must they really start with lies?

  “I don’t have a car,” Lauren decided on a moment of truth.

  “Seriously? Who doesn’t have a car?” Julia had more than one.

  “Me,” Lauren laughed.

  “Why not?” Julia pressed.

  Lauren was beginning to regret telling the truth. What was she supposed to say? Because she can’t afford one?

  “Who cares about my car,” Lauren redirected the conversation. “Let me see all of your animals!”

  Julia was beaming like a proud parent as she introduced Lauren to her pygmy goats, bunnies, barn cats, miniature donkeys and alpacas.

  “Do they spit?” Lauren asked as she pet one of the alpacas.

  “Not as much as llamas. But sometimes they do.” Julia hoped they would not demonstrate.

  “I like it here,” Lauren leaned against one of the stalls of the barn. “I like it here with you.”

  Julia wrapped her arms around Lauren’s waist. “I like having you here.” What she really wanted to say was “stay”, but after the last time, she wisely chose not to push the subject.

  “Come inside, let me show you the house,” Julia smiled.

  “Like the bedrooms?” Lauren flirted.

  “Don’t get to ahead of yourself,” Julia teased.

  ◆◆◆

  The waiting room didn’t have a receptionist. Just a video camera and an iPad. Julia signed in on the electronic device and took a seat against the far wall. She was the only one there. The room was designed to be relaxing. A small waterfall gurgled in the corner. Soothing music was piped quietly through hidden speakers. The lights were a soft warm glow.

  Since she was clearly the only one there, she did not have to wait long. Which was good, because the waiting room was so over the top calming that Julia was worried she would fall asleep.

  “Why don’t you tell me why you are here,” Dr. Lane gently a
sked Julia.

  Julia fidgeted. She was uncomfortable with this visit. But she was more uncomfortable with her temper. She had a great deal of control in her life, and it embarrassed her the way she had handled the fire. Before her emotions became a bigger problem in her life, she wanted to deal with it.

  “I have a weakness,” Julia explained. “When I fall in love and things don’t work out, I don’t handle it well. I have very little self-control when it comes to my anger and hurt in those situations.”

  “Tell me more,” Dr. Lane pulled out a pen and began taking notes.

  “The first time it happened, I was in college. The girl I was in love with broke my heart. I vowed never to fall in love again and began shutting everyone and everything off. For years I isolated myself.” Julia folded one of her legs under her as she tried to get comfortable on the couch. “It damaged my relationships with others and it wrecked my career.”

  “You speak about it in past tense,” Dr. Lane observed. “Did something change?”

  “Yes, I fell in love again, and it pulled me out of my shell,” Julia elaborated.

  Dr. Lane looked up from her notepad. “I see.”

  “With my new love, Lauren, I feel alive. I am able to paint again. Then, we had a minor setback. I became very angry with myself and with her.” Julia squirmed nervously.

  “What did you do?” Dr. Lane asked.

  “I burnt a bunch of my paintings. The fire kind of got out of hand and expanded to my house. The whole house.”

  Dr. Lane raised an eyebrow and lifted her chin.

  “I know I have a problem, and I need some coping mechanisms to manage my anger,” Julia felt completely uncomfortable admitting that.

  “Do you feel like your attachment level in this relationship is healthy?” Dr. Lane asked.

  Julia looked at the floor and dropped her shoulders. “Probably not.”

  “Let’s explore that further,” Dr. Lane looked Julia directly in the eyes. “You did the right thing coming here. I can help you. We will figure this out.”

  Chapter 8

  “Are you spending Easter with your family?” Julia looked from behind her painting at Lauren who was lounging in a window seat with a book.

  Lauren pursed her lips. She was spending Easter with Matt Kelly.

  “Surely you aren’t working on Easter?” Julia frowned.

  “No,” Lauren shook her head. “I’m going to church with my friend Matt, and then we are going to his family’s house for lunch.” It was almost a truth. She did start to see Matt as a friend. “What about you?”

  Julia’s face disappeared behind her canvas again. She really wanted to have Lauren to join her on Easter. Julia always felt like an outsider when she was the only one without a significant other.

  “My family is coming here. Two brothers, their wives, kids, and my mom,” Julia answered.

  “No dad?” Lauren asked.

  Julia chewed on her lip. “No, he died when I was young.”

  “I’m sorry,” Lauren put her book down and walked over to Julia. She wrapped her arms around Julia from behind and rested her chin on Julia’s shoulder.

  “Do you like it?” Julia asked.

  “I love all your paintings,” Lauren nuzzled her nose into Julia’s hair. “I also love all of you.” She was very much aware that this was the first time that she told Julia that she loved her. She hoped that Julia noticed. Even more than that, Lauren wished that Julia would return the sentiment.

  Julia smiled and gave Lauren a little shove. “Quit distracting me. I have a lot of painting to get done before the show.”

  Lauren moved in and kissed her full on the lips. “Okay, okay. I’m going to go start cooking dinner.”

  Julia tried to get her brain back into her painting, but now she was fully distracted. She was mad at herself for not acknowledging Lauren’s words of love. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, Julia knew she loved Lauren. Why didn’t she say anything?

  Right now, Julia felt like her life was near perfect. Here she was, painting in her new studio, while the woman she loved was cooking dinner in her kitchen. Why couldn’t every day be like this?

  Julia felt that whenever she was with Lauren that she was on borrowed time. Lauren always had somewhere she had to go. What was her home like? Julia hadn’t been to Lauren’s place yet, and come to think of it, she didn’t even know where she lived. Or who she lived with.

  What if she was married? The thought made Julia’s face warm with anger.

  It actually made sense. Lauren was rarely available on weekends. Maybe she had kids. They would not have school on the weekends. And a husband. Or wife. That’s why she had to go home every night. Someone was waiting on her. Expecting her.

  Julia dropped her paintbrush. Was she the other woman?

  She felt herself growing more and more angry. Her temper was building like a volcano in her soul. She tried to calm herself. What would Dr. Lane tell her to do?

  Wasting no time, Julia walked into the kitchen and confronted Lauren. “Am I the other woman?”

  Lauren turned around and looked at Julia, “What on earth are you talking about?”

  “You treat me like I’m secondary to the other life you live out there.” Julia’s voice was shaking, revealing her frustration.

  “How?” Lauren was growing heated as well. She gave every last free minute to Julia. She spent all of her meager earnings on the woman.

  “You won’t tell me where you are or what you are doing. I can’t visit your house. You won’t spend nights or weekends with me. Most weekends you won’t even talk to me on the phone. Add it all up, and it seems like you have another life. A family.”

  “That’s absurd!” Lauren walked over to the sink and began washing her hands. “There’s no one else.”

  “Prove it,” Julia crossed her arms.

  Lauren turned around slowly and sucked in a deep breath. “You don’t trust me?” Lauren asked. She looked Julia in the eyes. You better think before you answer that one. I have given every part of me that I can. Every part that I still own, to you.

  “No, I don’t,” Julia responded.

  Those words hurt deeply. From the beginning she laid out the fact that she could not be forthcoming about her career. Everything that she kept from Julia was related to work. Since Ireland, she had tried her best to be as honest as she could be. Her heart was Julia’s. She wouldn’t even flirt with another person. To question her trustworthiness, her loyalty, it was emotionally painful.

  She’d never had a serious relationship before. She didn’t know how to fight. The only thing that Lauren understood in that moment was that she was hurt. Insulted. Furthermore, she told Julia that she loved her. Julia did not reply in kind. She wasn’t going to stick around for this. Lauren dried her hands, picked up her purse and walked out the door.

  “You’re just going to walk away?” Julia yelled after her. Who walks away from a discussion like this? Is this an admission of guilt? Don’t you dare walk out on this discussion.

  Lauren just kept walking. She had nothing else to say. What could she say? Yes, she was faithful with her heart. Aside from requirements with work, she was completely devoted to Julia. She gave everything she had, everything she could. At the same time, she could recognize the complexity of it all. She was an escort. Lauren and Julia’s relationship, however real it may be now, started as a lie. Could she really fault Julia for having doubts? Still, she had no idea how to discuss this with Julia. Especially when she was as angry as she was. Lauren was beginning to regret being in a relationship. Life was so much simpler when she was single.

  She pulled out her phone and arranged for a ride. Not wanting to wait at Julia’s, Lauren kept walking. He would have to pick her up on the side of the road.

  Maybe she would tell Julia the truth. That she was bound to Giancarlo for two years.

  No, there was no way a classy lady like Julia would get wrapped up with someone like her. She needed more time. More time to secure Julia’s love b
efore dropping that bomb on her. Lauren kicked at a stone in the road. She truly had no idea what to do.

  Emotionally, this hurt more than she expected. The only other pain, anywhere close to this level, was losing her family when she first entered this business.

  Her mind travelled back to the beginning. To the start of her captivity. It all began so innocently, so unexpected.

  The summer after she graduated from high school, Lauren and her friends spent their weekends at the local mall. One Saturday they came across an advertisement looking for new models and actresses. Her friends thought it was ridiculous, but Lauren called the number anyway.

  A week later in a hotel conference room she had her first meeting with the talent recruiters. Because she was only 17, they required her mother to attend the meeting as well. Lauren’s mom was always supportive of whatever dreams Lauren chased.

  The recruiters seemed genuine. They even told her to never work with a talent agency that makes you pay a fee for pictures or any other services. “The real agencies,” they explained, “are not looking for you to give them money. They are looking for models.”

  Lauren was chosen for a second round of interviews and another photo shoot. Confident that they would be placing her, they had Lauren and her mother sign multiple releases. They also required her to fill out tax information so that the agency would be able to withhold taxes when she got paid.

  It seemed very professional. Completely legitimate. Lauren was excited about her future in modeling.

  The end of summer came and Lauren did not hear back from the talent recruiters. She had no contact information for them. Assuming she had not been chosen, she went on with her plans to begin college in the Fall.

  She never heard anything from that recruiting team. Then one night, on a spring break trip to Panama City, Lauren and her friends were dancing at a club. When she separated from the group to go to the bathroom, two men with guns kidnapped her. She still has no clue how they knew she would be in Panama City that week, but Lauren has come to understand that these people know far more about her than could ever be explained.