Tainted (Oh Captain, My Captain #7)

by Lindsay Paige

  I drop my head into my hands, and it happens. The burning of the tears begin to streak my cheeks. I cry because I don’t have a family. I cry because I’m alone. I cry because I want Valo and I love him. I cry because I’m a fucking fool.

  My throat hurts, my nose is running, and tears aren’t stopping. I keep sobbing and I’m shaking from my emotions and the coldness surrounding me.

  Big Mike said no one takes care of themselves all the time, and he’s right. I had Valo and together, we took care of each other.

  I need Valo. I need to be safe again. I need to tell him the truth.

  I leap to my feet. I can’t take a bus because it’s too late, but I’m able to flag down a taxi. I don’t care how much it costs me. I rush out Valo’s address and the cab takes off. I debate whether to text him, but my hands are shaking. I’m still crying, and I’m harshly swiping them away, but they keep coming faster and faster.

  It’s an eternity before I’m standing outside of Valo’s door. I pound on it and Gus answers with wide eyes.

  “You look like shit.”

  “Valo,” I choke out the name of the person I need the most.

  Gus gives me a sad smile and nods. “He’s in his room,” he says before stepping out of my way as I run up the stairs.

  I don’t bother to knock, but I open the door to see Valo sitting on the edge of his bed. When he looks up, his blue eyes look shocked. I open my mouth to tell him everything, but not a single sound comes out.

  “Jade.” My name comes out in his thick Finnish accent, and it’s all I need to hear as I fall to my knees in a sobbing heap.

  Chapter Twenty

  Valo

  Worry and fear consumes me as Jade crumbles to the floor, crying hysterically. She looks terrible, cold, and wet in her tight clothing. Did she go through with it, even though she didn’t have to? I rush to her, wrapping her in my arms, needing to comfort her. Jade fists my shirt in her hands, clinging to me.

  “It’s okay,” I whisper, even though I don’t know that it is. “You’re here with me. Calm down, Jade. You’ll be okay.” I hold her tightly to my chest, rubbing her back, and whispering soothing words in Finnish because I know she likes to hear me speak my native language. Once she’s calmed down a bit, she glances up at me. My thumbs wipe under her eyes, smearing her mascara more. My chest is constricted with the unknown information. “What happened?” I ask softly. “You are okay, right? You’re not hurt?” I sweep my eyes over her to check for obvious injuries and realize she must be cold.

  “I’m not hurt,” she replies.

  Thank God. “C’mon. I want you to change into dry clothes first.” We stand and I lead her to the bed, where she sits. I go to my dresser and pull out some of my pajamas for her to wear. When I face her, her lips are parted like she wants to speak and she’s watching me carefully, tears brimming her eyes, ready to fall. “Here,” I whisper, handing her the clothes.

  “Valo,” she starts.

  “Change first, Jade.” My words are a simple demand.

  Jade nods and disappears into the bathroom. The moment she closes the door, I feel like the air has been knocked out of me. There’s so much running through my head, I don’t know where to start. Before Jade walked in, I was sitting here, wondering what she was doing, where she was, and then she was here.

  When Jade walks out of the bathroom and takes a seat next to me on the bed, she seems nervous. I don’t like her being nervous with me. Plus, it gives me a bad feeling about whatever happened with her tonight.

  “Talk to me, Jade,” I finally say.

  “I want to tell you everything, but please listen to me and then you can tell me to stay or leave, okay? Please, Valo.”

  I nod. “I’m listening.”

  “I have been on my own all of my life. Now, I know that sounds like a lie, but it’s not. I don’t ever remember having a real mom around. My first memories of Mom are her shooting up drugs and fucking men in the apartment. I can remember throwing water on her face, trying to wake her up when she had taken too many drugs. She never cared about me, but she’s my mom, and deep down, I always hoped she’d change.” Jade seems so lost in her story already. She takes a small breath, and I take her hand before she continues.

  “I was five when child protective services came and took me away the first time. Mom hadn’t been home in three days. Someone had called them because I was on the street, begging for food. I didn’t understand what was happening and I kept screaming for them to put me down, but they didn’t. They put me in the back of a car and drove me to the other side of town.

  “My first foster home was an older couple who already had ten other foster kids, who meant I had to sleep on the floor in the living room. I couldn’t sleep because I was scared. I was there for about a month before I went to my next one and had to change schools. My new foster parents were the perfect couple. They had their own two children and a pretty house with a pretty car, but it’s all bullshit.

  “It was the first time I had a bed and I thought I was going to be safe there, but one night, I heard someone come into my room.” Jade quickly wipes her tears, staring down at our hands. Fury and heartbreak pulses through me before she even tells me what happened. “The dad didn’t do anything at first, but he would stare at me and kept stroking my cheek. I tried to pretend to be asleep, but it didn’t stop him. I didn’t scream or make any noises because he would threaten me. I didn’t tell anyone because he told me no one would believe me because I was scum.”

  It’s no wonder Jade is the way she is and has a hard time accepting help. People who were supposed to be helpful weren’t; they were the very opposite. Nearly everyone she’s met has let her down, and this is only the beginning of it.

  “Mom got out of jail about four months later and I was actually thankful to go back to Greenwood. Mom was healthy and clean and she promised it was going to be different.” She shakes her head like she should have known better. “That lasted about four days. I woke up one night and couldn’t find her. When I looked out on the window, she was on the corner with the other girls, flagging cars down.

  “I was eight when I went back into the system and into a new foster home. Surprisingly, I was in an okay home. The parents fought a lot, but they left me alone. Mom was in for about a year and a half that time. When she got out, it was the same story. She was strung out and fucking anyone who would give her money and I was walking the streets trying to find food.

  “Mom’s longest stint was when I was fifteen. I hated that last foster home the most. The guy didn’t leave me alone and I hated him. But, yet again, I didn’t yell, or scream, or even tell anyone. I can remember closing my eyes and wishing I was somewhere else. I would pretend I was anywhere but where I was at that moment.”

  The pain and hurt is all over her face and I wish I could take it away. She shouldn’t have gone through that. Someone should have been there for her. Jade’s breathing seems to even out, less shaky, and it seems that part of her story is over.

  “The moment I turned eighteen, I was gone. I ran back to Greenwood. The manager of the building knew me and by some miracle, there was an apartment open and he let me have it. That night, I went to Big Mike’s and he gave me a job. It’s what I’ve done every single day since then until I met you.

  “Damn you, Valo. You swoop into my life and flip it on it’s top. You come in and show me all these shiny, pretty things and…” her voice catches as she wipes away more tears. “You gave me fucking hope that maybe there was a good guy who liked me. That maybe I could make something of myself.”

  I want to interrupt and tell her she can, but I don’t. Jade starts to ramble, her words coming a bit faster the more she talks.

  “I shouldn’t have seen my mom. I should have fucking stayed away from her. The day I saw her, she told me you were just using me as a pet and I was nothing more than a project for you. I listened to her because that little voice in my head kept telling me you were too good to be true. That’s why I left. I didn’t
want to taint you like Mom does to me.

  “Then Big Mike tells me you paid off Mom’s debt and fuck…I tried to be mad at you, but you’re too fucking nice for me to be mad at you.” Jade takes a deep breath and looks away from me. “I went on that job tonight. I did it to prove I didn’t need you and I can do things on my own, but I was wrong. The guy was a complete ass and he wasn’t…nice. I was actually scared a little bit.” This is why I didn’t want her to do it. I clench my jaw, but relax a bit when she says, “I was able to get away from him, and all I thought about was getting to you.” Jade meets my gaze. “I want to be safe and I only feel that way with you because I love you.”

  Those last three words jar me, surprise me, but Jade doesn’t give me a chance to react.

  “I didn’t know it until tonight. I kept hiding all my feelings because I didn’t want to admit I needed anyone other than myself. But I’m wrong again. I need you because we make a good team together. I know now that I wasn’t a pet to you and that you really did love me. I’m sorry, Valo. I’m sorry for everything, but you needed to know me. You needed to know the truth and that’s it. That’s all of me.”

  I’m quiet for a bit, reeling from all she’s told me. I’m probably silent for too long based on how Jade’s watching me so expectantly. “You’ve said a lot, I’m still trying to take it all in. I don’t know where to start.” That’s true. My mind keeps hopping all over the place. I need to reassure her though. “Jade, I said I wouldn’t give up, and I didn’t. Thanks for telling me all of that. In the future, it’ll be better if you’d just come to me, talk to me, and let me help. Otherwise, you’re going to drive us both crazy.” I give her a small smile. Things will be okay, and that’s the most important thing to focus on right this second.

  “You’re so strange. I tell you my life story, pretty much poured my darkest secret out to you, and now, you talk about the future.” Jade shakes her head in disbelief. “Do you understand everything I said? I’m a mess.” Oh, she is definitely a mess, but that doesn’t change anything.

  “I understand that you love me and that you think we make a good team.” I pause and add, “Don’t you want a future, Jade? A future with me? Because I want to give it to you.” I hold my breath, watching her reaction and waiting for an answer. I don’t want to face another rejection from her. At this point, I’m still not sure if her fear will win out again or not.

  “Oh, Finny, I…I never felt so safe with anyone, but you. I never thought I would feel this way about anyone or have anyone feel the same way about me. I just want you to realize that, eventually, someone will figure out I’m a stripper from Greenwood. I know I keep harping on that, but I do love you and worry about your career. But yes, I do want a future with you.”

  There. I can finally relax. She’s not going anywhere. “You were a stripper. Not anymore, Jade, and you’re bettering your life. That’s not going to hurt me. Don’t worry about it, I mean it. If you want this future, then I have a few conditions.”

  “Conditions? Like what?” Jade looks skeptical, but it’s better than giving me a look as if I’m a bad guy and she’s expecting the worst from me.

  It’ll take time for her to really, fully trust me, and I make sure to let her know that I know that. “I’m not expecting it right away, but my conditions are that you let me help. You let me take care of you. You don’t run. I know you want to do some things yourself or to work for it, and that’s fine, but a compromise would be good for us both to get what we want. That’s it.” As one phrase she’s always telling me runs through my mind, I quickly say, “Wait, no, there’s one more thing. Stop saying you’ll taint my life. If you, my Jade, are the worst thing to happen to me, then being tainted isn’t such a bad thing.” I smile because it’s true. I love Jade, and there isn’t anything tainted about that.

  “I will agree, but only if you agree to my condition.”

  I try not to smile because she agreed. She’s mine. “You have a condition? What is it? I already agree.” I don’t care what it is. There’s nothing she could ask of me that I wouldn’t agree to.

  Jade’s lips try to suppress a smile. “You have to still love me after I get fat from eating all your food.”

  I laugh. “I’ll love you no matter what, I promise.” Leaning over, I kiss her slowly, relishing in having her back here with me. “You stay right here. I’m going to bring you some food. Find a 90s sitcom and I’ll be right back.” She’s probably hungry and I’m going to make sure she’s full.

  “I just want to lay here with you,” she protests.

  “And we’ll do that once you’ve had something to eat.” I give her a quick kiss before leaving her to find some food.

  Gus is in the kitchen, fixing himself something to drink. “She okay?”

  “Yeah, she’s fine,” I answer, rummaging the fridge until I find some leftovers. I pop it into the microwave.

  “So…” Gus says.

  “So what?” I turn to face him. “She’s back. For good. And you’re going to be extra nice to her for at least a week.” I want to say for forever, but I think bickering is a mutual ground for them as long as Gus doesn’t overstep. Plus, I know Jade can hold her own with him.

  Gus rolls his eyes, the action itself making me chuckle. “Fine.”

  The microwave beeps; her food hot. I take it and a drink up to her. She smiles when she sees me. I smile back when I see she’s removed her contacts. I let her eat while we watch Friends. Once she’s done, she cuddles up to my side. This is what I missed the most. Simply being able to hold her.

  “I’ve missed you,” Jade whispers, looking up at me.

  “Not nearly as much as I missed you.” I press my lips to hers and when she turns to wrap her arms around my neck, I’m a goner. It feels as if it’s been decades since I last touched her, tasted her, and now it’s time to reacquaint ourselves with each other’s bodies. Rolling so that I hover over her, I find the hem of her top and remove it, so very thankful she’s not wearing a bra. My hands run down her sides as I kiss her shoulder to her neck, along her collarbone.

  I place soft kisses down her chest until I reach her breasts. She inhales sharply when I swirl my tongue around her nipple. I almost smile. I love the sounds she makes and I plan on hearing a lot of sounds tonight. My hands drift to the pajama bottoms, working quickly to get them off.

  The best way to hear her moans and sighs is to put my mouth on her sweetest spot. The moment my tongue flicks over that sensitive skin, Jade moans my name. This time, I do smile. Only for a moment though. I lick, kiss, and suck, determined to make her orgasm with only my mouth. Jade’s fingers run through my hair, grasping with a firm hold, as her thighs tighten around me. She tenses and then shudders.

  I look up into her hooded eyes as she gives me a lazy smile. I crawl up, lay my body over hers, and kiss her, letting her taste herself on my tongue. Her moan is an appreciated response.

  “You’re wearing too many damn clothes, Valo,” she breathes before I pull away to tug off my shirt. Once I’ve gotten rid of the rest of my clothes, Jade rolls us over, straddling me. “I love you,” she whispers as she kisses the center of my chest.

  “I love you too.” So damn much. And I love hearing her say it.

  Jade sits upright, reaches between us, and strokes me. God, I love how she feels. All of her. Her skin, her breasts in my palms, her fingers wrapped around my length. She’s amazing and breathtaking.

  “I want you inside me, but…” she trails off, glancing down.

  “But what?” I breathe heavily.

  Jade smirks. “I want to do something else, too.”

  Just the thought of her taking me into her mouth nearly undoes me. “We have all night, Jade.” I tilt my head toward my nightstand as to what I want us to do first.

  She reaches across the bed for a condom, rips it open, and quickly rolls it on. Jade strokes me a few times before lowering herself on me. I grasp her hips, needing to have my hands on her while she moves. Jade places her open hands on my ches
t and starts moving her hips up and down. She starts slowly. I don’t know how long I’ll last. It’s been too long since I’ve touched her and she feels fucking amazing.

  “Fuck, Jade,” I mutter as she moves faster. Jade smiles. Her curly black hair frames her face, those blue-green eyes burning with desire and love. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

  She moans, her head falling back as I start thrusting into her, needing my release already. My grip tightens on her waist when she reaches to rub her clit, extracting another breathy moan. Holy shit. I watch her fingers move as I slide in and out of her. Her muscles tense as my stomach clenches and I glance up in time to see the bliss pass over her face.

  God, she’s perfect.

  Jade leans forward, resting on my chest, a tired, happy, satisfied woman.

  “When the season is over,” I start, the thought popping into my head all of a sudden, “we’re taking a week vacation in a nice hotel and we’re not stepping foot outside of it until the week is up. You, me, room service, all the 90s sitcoms we want, and you being pampered and spoiled and wined and dined. How does that sound?”

  Jade lifts her head with a smile. “Really?”

  I run my fingers into her hair, holding her. “I want to make all your dreams a reality, Jade. Whatever you want, I want you to have it. I want to be the one to give it to you. You deserve it. So if you want to stay in that hotel, then we’re going to stay and I’m going to make it the best damn stay ever.”

  Her kiss is enough of an answer for me. She’s mine, I’m hers, and she’s going to let me give her the life she dreams of, the life she deserves, and the life I want to spend with her.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Jade

  I wake up and Valo’s grip is still tightly around me. I feel Honeybun at my feet and my heart warms. All the tears and confessions were hard, but I needed to tell Valo. I wanted him to know all my secrets and start over with a clean slate.