Sweetest Heartbreak

by Heather Bentley

  As I put the picture back in its place, I catch myself smiling at the memory.

  “Did you find the key?” a voice says from the doorway.

  I squeal and spin around, bumping into the dresser. “Heath, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be nosy. When I saw the door was open—”

  “It’s okay, Leah.”

  “No, I was snooping. I had no business coming in here. I’m sorry.”

  “Really, it’s no big deal.” He takes a single step closer.

  The two of us stand silently in Heath’s bedroom—me, clenching my hands at my waist and him with his hands tucked in his pockets. The memories made in this room swirl around us.

  Finally, he breaks the silence. “I heard you and Tomato Soup broke up.”

  “Yeah. It just . . .” But I stall there, glancing back at the photo.

  “Since you’re here, I have something I’ve been meaning to give you.” He walks to his dresser, turns his back to me, and opens the top drawer.

  When he faces me, my eyes burn as his arms extend out.

  “You kept that? But . . .”

  “Yeah, I had to go through the trash, but I think I got them all.” He moves an inch closer, encouraging me to take it.

  I cross the short distance and take the pink tin from his hands, our fingers brushing against each other as I pull away. I don’t miss the tingle his touch leaves behind as I stare down at what has been one of my biggest regrets—and biggest lessons—throughout all of this.

  “I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve added a few.”

  My eyes widen up at his. “You were serious about that?” Smiling, I remember his comment the night of the wedding.

  “Of course.”

  “And you made wishes on them?” The words sneak out before I can stop them.

  He locks eyes with me, answering without hesitation, “Every single one.”

  I hold the cool tin to my chest, the coins tumbling inside. “Thank you, Heath.”

  He leans a hip against the dresser and gives a shy nod of his head.

  “Well, I should get going. Ice cream and fries can hold Lindsey off for only so long.”

  “Of course.” His hands are back in his pockets as he follows me out.

  Just as I’m about to leave, I turn back to him, the tin safely at my side. I look down to it then back up to him. “And Heath, thank you. This means a lot to me.”

  He nods as I walk out the door.

  Outside, I barely register the bush I brush against when I step out into the blazing heat.

  Heath and I—that’s done. Dead and buried. So, why do I feel this way? Like something dormant is coming back to life. Something familiar, but new all the same. The question is, what do I do about it?

  Heath

  Leah smiled.

  As I watched her from the doorway of my room, it was the first thing I saw. The only thing. A genuine smile sparked by a memory, a time in our lives that I now know means as much to her as it does to me.

  When she walked out my door she left me with one thing. Hope.

  Leah

  “God, my back hurts.” Lindsey moans as she paces the room and attempts to rub at her spine.

  “Again?” Eli asks as he stops her and begins to knead at her back. “Maybe we should call the doctor.”

  “No, just keep doing that. That’s perfect.” She sighs.

  Lindsey’s due date is still a week away, but with the scene playing out in front of me, I’m starting to doubt that she’ll make it that long. Heath looks over at me, presumably thinking the same thing but with far more fear.

  I slide over next to him and whisper, “Relax. It’s not going to happen right in the middle of the room.”

  “Maybe we should take her to the hospital?” Heath asks the group.

  Lindsey breaks away from Eli and starts pacing again. Eli, his face pinched tight with worry, is left standing there, helpless, looking to be in as much pain as Lindsey.

  “I don’t want to go to the hospital. They’ll just tell me to turn around and go home.” Lindsey huffs as she stops a moment to brace herself against a chair and take a few deep breaths. “At yesterday’s appointment the doctor said there was no progress”—she releases a long, slow exhale before resuming her steps—“and most first pregnancies go the full term.”

  She jerks to a stop in the center of the room when water begins to trickle from under her sundress. Wide-eyed, she freezes as we all focus breathless on the puddle forming at her feet.

  The drips quickly turn into a steady stream when Heath announces, “I think that counts as progress. Now, can we go to the hospital?”

  Heath

  “It’s a girl! We have a daughter!” Eli shouts through happy tears.

  Leah rushes him, wrapping her arms around his middle in a strong hug.

  “And Lindsey?” I ask.

  “Perfect. They’re both perfect.” He releases Leah and then turns to me for a hug.

  I thought he looked happy on his wedding day, but this version of the man in front of me is something profoundly different.

  “C’mon, come meet my daughter.”

  We enter, and exuberant chaos and family file into every corner of the room.

  “Wow, who isn’t here?” Leah asks as she makes her way through the crowd of family.

  Lindsey looks overjoyed but exhausted from her bed. Leah leans down to Lindsey for a hug and then heads straight for Eli’s mom, who’s holding the tiniest pink bundle. Eli’s sisters surround her, and the group doesn’t think twice about making room for Leah.

  I, on the other hand, haven’t left the safety of the doorway.

  I watch Leah as she softly runs her fingers over a dark tuft of hair on the sleeping baby’s head. The baby lets out a soft cry, causing all the women to sigh and smile.

  “Pretty amazing, huh?” My dad surprises me from behind.

  “Dad, what are you doing here?”

  “Eli texted me. Besides, why wouldn’t I be here? He’s family.”

  We’re interrupted by a new body pushing her way into the room. Leah’s mom. With a quick hello to the two of us she weaves her way through to Lindsey and Eli before shuffling in beside Leah.

  It’s like a live production playing out in front of me. Eli is sitting beside Lindsey, talking, kissing, while intermittently scanning the room for the baby. When he sees her being passed safely to Sienna’s arms, he turns back to his wife and kisses her again, their smiles saying everything for them.

  Leah is shoulder-to-shoulder with Sienna, the baby’s tiny hand wrapped tightly around Leah’s finger. She pulls away from the baby’s grasp, only to slide her hands underneath the bundle, lifting her up and bringing her close to her own chest.

  She’s holding the baby like she’s done this a thousand times before. With a light sway of her hips, she turns, and I’m able to get a better look. The baby’s dark blue eyes are open and focused solely on Leah. Leah’s talking to her, animated and smiling. When the baby’s eyes widen in response, Leah throws her head back in laughter and catches my stare. She doesn’t hesitate to walk to me, tucking herself in at my side.

  “Isn’t she amazing?” Leah tilts the baby up but continues to only have eyes for the little one in her arms. “Put your arms out.”

  Startled, I don’t answer or move.

  “Heath, it’s all right. I’m right here. Put your arms out.”

  I do as I was told, imitating her pose as best I can, and brace myself to take the weight of the baby, shocked when she seems to weigh barely an ounce. She’s the first baby I’ve ever held in my life, and I panic at the thought of doing anything that could hurt her.

  “There you go. Just bring her head up a little.” Leah gives a light tug on my arm until I’m in the right position. “Look at that; you’re a natural.” She smiles at me with pride and then places her finger back in the baby’s tiny palm.

  With the three of us squeezed in tight, I look from the baby’s skinny fingers wrapped around the tip of Leah’s pinki
e to the content warmth spread throughout Leah’s face. Anxiety and panic mixed with an odd sense of urgency courses through every inch of me. I see it now. No, I feel it. A roaring desire for this to be my life. My reality. And I want this with Leah. I understand now what she was feeling at the wedding.

  This should be us.

  When her eyes rise to mine her smile fades and a worried frown takes its place. “What is it?”

  It’s at that moment Eli swoops in and carefully takes his daughter from my arms before returning to Lindsey’s bedside. Leah eyes me warily, but I feign attention on Eli, all the while trying to calm my frazzled nerves.

  “Everyone, we have a name!”

  The room quiets in anticipation.

  “We’ve decided to name her after Lindsey’s grandmother, Charlotte, but we’re calling her Charlie.”

  Everyone erupts in cheers, causing the baby to startle and release a tired cry.

  Leah excitedly turns back to me as she gives my arm a light squeeze, and at the same time, a tightness seizes my chest.

  “It’s perfect. She looks like a Charlie. Don’t you think?”

  I swallow hard and nod, trying not to focus on the walls that are closing in on me.

  “Hey, are you okay? You don’t look so good all of a sudden.”

  “Hot,” I cough out. “It’s just really hot in here.”

  The back of her hand presses against my forehead. “Let’s get you some air.”

  Leah makes her way through the tight crowd where she kisses Charlie’s small head, Lindsey’s cheek, and then turns to Eli for a long hug. Watching the three of them, the feeling charges through me again. This should be us. Leah should be lying in this bed, holding our baby, living this same moment and everything that goes along with it. The happiness. The family. The love.

  But it’s not us.

  I can’t get out of this room fast enough.

  Leah

  Heath rushes toward the exit like his ass is on fire. Or he’s about to be sick. Either way, I quicken my steps and keep close to his side. Something happened to him in that hospital room, and it seems to be following him outside.

  The sun has set, but the air stirs warm and dry. Under the fluorescent lights of the parking lot, I give his arm a strong tug and shout for him to stop. His strides are replaced by long paces as he pulls on his hair and mutters nonsense under his breath.

  He stops momentarily, taking in my face, taking in all of me, like he’s caught between a breakdown and a breakthrough and only I hold the key to his relief. He’s so weak in this moment, so fragile, but I don’t know what to do for him. Only that I’m not going to leave him until he works it out.

  When he resumes his pacing, I use my body as a roadblock and grab him by the shoulders.

  “Talk to me, Heath” I order. “What happened in there?”

  Light bounces off his face, casting a glassy shine and darkening of his blue eyes. When he glances away, I grip him tighter, urging him back to me. He rubs frantically at the back of his neck and expels a nervous breath. I release my hold and wait patiently.

  “I feel it.” The words tumble out, pain laced throughout each one.

  My body locks tight with immediate understanding.

  “I get it now. I feel it. Fuck, I feel all of it. That should be us, Leah.” He wildly swings an arm toward the building. “That should be you in that bed, holding our baby, with me by your side. But it’s not. It’s not, because of me!”

  He’s frustrated and scared and upset, dragging his hands over his face, mumbling nonsense, yet all I can do is . . . smile.

  He resumes his rant, his voice growing louder and more frustrated with each step, as my heart swells by the second. “We should be bickering about whose turn it is to do the dishes. We should be taking vacations together. We should be sharing a medicine cabinet . . .”

  I’m standing, hands on my hips, my smile widening by the second as he rambles on.

  “You’re smiling? How can you smile right now?”

  “Say it again, Heath.”

  “Say what?”

  “You know.” I step close and grip his forearms before lifting to my toes. “Say it again.” My smile holds as I wait.

  I watch his Adam’s apple bob.

  “I feel it,” he whispers. “I fucking feel it.”

  I shake my head and smile.

  “Well, it’s about time.”

  A warm breeze swirls around us, like a band pulling us close, sweeping away all the remaining dust from our past. I reach for his face and kiss him on closed firm lips, catching him by surprise.

  He breaks the kiss, eyes wide, and anxious. “Tell me that means you feel it, too.”

  “I never stopped.”

  Leah

  It’s been a few days since that night at the hospital and we’ve been taking our time getting reacquainted. I watch out my front window as Heath walks up my driveway with a large box in his arms, the same box with the yellow tape I saw in his room that day I went for the key. When I let him in, he bends in for a quick kiss before rushing down the hall to my bedroom. When the door shuts behind him, I shake my head and go back to checking Instagram and drinking my sweet tea in the kitchen. Whatever he’s up to, I’ll find out soon enough.

  The sound of Heath clearing his throat lifts my attention. Except it’s not Heath standing in the doorway of my kitchen. It’s Han Solo.

  Dressed in a white collarless shirt and dark vest, a toy gun strapped to his thigh over dark pants, he slides the large box onto the counter. I push aside my drink as he begins to pull out one package after another, laying them out on the table in front of me.

  Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

  Bacon and eggs.

  Gangster and flapper.

  Peter Pan and Tinker Bell.

  Superman and Wonder Woman.

  Prince Charming and Cinderella.

  He continues to pull more costumes from the box, but I can’t make out what they are because my eyes are burning with tears of understanding.

  “This should get us through the next ten or so Halloweens.”

  I suck in both lips and fight against the ugly cry as I grab one of the clear vinyl packages. All I can make out is that it’s green, so it’s either Peter Pan or Tinker Bell. He takes it from my hands and pulls me up from my chair, wrapping his arms around my back.

  “You went out and bought all of these?”

  “Actually, I’ve been collecting them for a while.”

  I somehow manage to laugh and cry at the same time, causing an odd, painful hiccupping sob to rise up as my face falls into his chest. The vest smells like vinyl, and the shirt scratches my cheek, but it couldn’t be more perfect.

  He brushes my hair from my face and brings my eyes to his. Eyes that are filled with a newfound reverence and maturity.

  “Leah, I’ve learned so much in the time we’ve been apart. How amazing it is to live a life with you in it, and the pain of living one without. And I know now what it means to be a good man. At least, I’m figuring it out. But none of that matters if I can’t be a good man for you. And I swear, Leah, I will be a good man for you.

  “I can’t promise that I won’t ever screw up or piss you off, but I will never hurt you. Never. Because I also know how valuable second chances are, how valuable you are to me, and I will work every day to make sure you feel that.”

  He takes an extended breath. “I love you, Leah.”

  My head gives the slightest tilt back in surprise, but he doesn’t miss it.

  “Yeah, I said it.” A small laugh plays behind his words. “I love you. Sometimes, I hated myself more than I loved you, but I never stopped loving you. Even when you were a thousand miles away or with another man. I loved you through it all, and it’s time you know it. So deal with it, Princess.”

  Even with the sexy smirk and cocky raised brow, I believe every word.

  “You don’t have to say the words back to me. Take all the time you need. I’ll wait. As long as I know . . .”r />
  But I’ve heard enough. He needs me as much as I need him. Everything he’s promising me, I want to give him the same in return.

  I wrap my hands around the back of his head and cut him off with my kiss. I kiss him with a strength that comes from deep within me. It surges through every vein, leaving no doubt that he is mine. He has always been mine.

  It’s when I pull back, wiping my tears from his vest, that I notice one costume I missed earlier. The white Princess Leia dress. I can’t help but be a little disappointed.

  He notices and dips his face to mine. “Something wrong, Princess?”

  “It’s just . . . I’m surprised to see Leia’s white dress. I would have pegged you as a gold-bikini kind of guy.”

  With a devilish smile, he reaches into the box once more, revealing a gold bikini top that dangles from his hand. “I saved the best for last.”

  I cup his jaw in my hands and sigh, “I love you.”

  “I know.”

  Leah

  Heath filled the last crack, tended to every fading wound, and sewed together the final tear in my damaged heart. And, in the process, we both learned what love was. How to love ourselves and how to love others in return.

  But we wouldn’t be where we are now if I didn’t work on myself first, to become the kind of person I wanted in my own life. And I’m so thankful that Heath did the same.

  “Um, Heath, you just drove by our street.”

  “Really? I didn’t notice.” He’s fighting a smile.

  “Heath—” I say in warning.

  “Give me a minute.” He flashes a sly wink before pulling the car over. “Here we are.”

  We’re sitting in front of the large house we’ve driven by a hundred times before. The one with the wraparound porch I’ve always liked.