Healing a Heart

by Amy Lillard

  Fear knifed through him, hot and cold. She was having babies, two of them, his. He had done everything in his power to talk her into staying. It was wrong of him, so very wrong.

  He cleared his throat and took a step back, away from her. His hands fell to his sides. He coughed again. “I guess I should get the appointment now,” he said. “With the attorney, I mean.”

  Some emotion flitted across her face. Fear? Worry? Some form of trepidation? He wasn’t sure. “I suppose so,” she murmured. Suddenly, there was a wall between them, one that hadn’t been there a few moments before.

  Because he mentioned attorneys? It was necessary. As long as she refused to marry him, refused to come to Texas, insisted on staying in Georgia, they would need someone to help them hash it out.

  He reached a hand out toward her, the gesture of assistance in good faith. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s go back.” He whistled for Kota and the moment was gone.

  • • •

  Just after lunch the following day, Jake turned the ranch over to Joe Dan and donned his swim trunks. Bryn could see how excited Wesley was at the thought of spending the afternoon with her father. Bryn had to admit she was a little excited as well, and it had nothing to do with how Jake looked bare chested and barefoot standing on the edge of the pool preparing to dive in. That was just a perk.

  He had seemed to be avoiding her the entire time she had been here. Even with their ongoing game of two truths and a lie, he seemed to avoid her for the majority of the day, only letting his guard down and talking to her, spending time with her, at night. This was different. But this meant she would definitely need to go home soon, especially with all the talk of going to the attorney’s office and hashing out whatever visitation arrangement they came to.

  She waded up the steps and sat down on the edge of the pool, her feet still dangling in the water.

  “Daddy! Daddy! Teach me how to dive.” Wesley bounced on her toes as she threw the pool toys into the water. They sank immediately as they were designed to do.

  Jake looked as if he was about to protest, then he glanced over to where Bryn sat. She smiled hoping he got the hint. Today was just as much for Wesley as it was for her. Maybe even more so since she started school the next day. This was her last day of summer before kindergarten.

  “Okay,” he agreed. He dove into the pool, his lean body slicing the water perfectly. He surfaced a few feet into the pool and slung his hair back out of his eyes. “Come on.” He motioned for Wesley to jump into the water. She did so but without the grace and confidence of her father. But one day, Bryn knew the young girl would blossom with that same confidence and grace. It was there, simmering just below the surface waiting for its time to be revealed.

  And you won’t be here for it.

  She ignored that little voice and shaded her eyes as Jake began to show Wesley the finer points of diving. He was a good dad, and for that she was grateful. She might have been uncertain at the beginning, needing time to get to know him before trusting that he would care for the twins, but these last few days was just her dragging her feet, pretending she needed to know him more before she went home. Yes, she would have to send her children here for more than one vacation, of that she was certain. She didn’t like the thought of being separated from them, but there was no doubt that Jake would care for them, love them, and cherish them just the way he did Wesley. But the big question was, could she take care of two children all by herself?

  She would have to hire a full-time nanny in order to care for them. More than a full-time nanny, a live-in nanny. And though she hadn’t had to worry about money in a long, long time, she wasn’t sure that sort of expense was in the budget.

  And child support? Jake might be willing to pay his part in raising their twins, but how could she ask for money for a live-in nanny when so many times he had invited her to stay? When so many people here would help her love and care for those babies around the clock?

  “Bryn!” Wesley waved to get her attention. “Did you see? Did you see me?”

  “I’m sorry, baby. Can you do it again?”

  Wesley grinned. “Of course I can.” And there was that confidence.

  Bryn watched, paying attention this time as Wesley dove to the bottom of the pool and picked up two of the pool toys before resurfacing.

  Bryn clapped her hands and cheered. “That’s quite an accomplishment.”

  “Can you do it?”

  “Once upon a time,” she said rubbing a hand over her belly.

  Jake laughed. “I thought water made a person more buoyant.” He had a point. And had just called her out for avoiding spending too much time with him, or maybe it was too much time in close proximity. The gauntlet had been tossed down. She couldn’t let the challenge go by.

  She pushed herself off the pool’s edge and back into the water. It felt cool against her sun-warmed limbs as she waded out where the two of them were. Jake had one arm around Wesley, holding her up in the deeper water.

  “I have an idea,” Wesley said. She clapped her hands in glee. “Let’s have a race.”

  Bryn was just about to shake her head when Jake reached out a hand toward Wesley. “You’re on,” he said.

  But the young girl shook her head. “Not me. You two.”

  Bryn was definitely out of this one, but that gleam of challenge sparkled in Jake’s green eyes once again.

  “Are you chicken?”

  Was she? Hell, no. But she was supposed to be avoiding him, now wasn’t she? Wasn’t that the plan? Enjoy the day but keep her distance so she kept her heart when she went home?

  As if they didn’t belong to her, she watched her hands reach out and grab Jake’s. His fingers wrapped around hers and sealed the deal.

  “What are the rules?” Bryn asked.

  Wesley wiggled out of her dad’s hold and swam to the ladder. She climbed out and started gathering up more pool toys and tossing them in. “I say the one with the most toys wins.”

  “Only one at a time,” Bryn said, eyeing Jake. She could already see his competitive streak rising to the top and could imagine him holding his breath grabbing as many toys as he could before surfacing again. That wasn’t quite sporting.

  “You want it to be more of a relay race?” he asked.

  “I guess,” she said. “You have to dive down, get a ring, bring it back up, and put it on the edge of the pool. Then dive down again.”

  “Why do you want to make it harder?”

  “Make it harder to cheat,” Bryn countered.

  Jake shrugged. “Have it your way.”

  “Bryn, you put your toys here and, Dad, you use the other side. That way we can keep them separate. All right?” Wesley finished tossing all the toys back into the water. She eyed them, hands on her hips. “Are you ready?”

  “As I’ll ever be,” Bryn grumbled. From beside her, Jake laughed.

  “On your marks.”

  “You’re going down,” Jake muttered without looking at her.

  “Get set.”

  “In your dreams,” Bryn countered.

  “Go!”

  How had she gotten talked into this? Bryn dove down, grabbed a toy, and resurfaced, tossing it to her edge of the pool. She barely registered that Jake had done the same before diving back down to find another. There had to be fifty toys on the bottom of the pool. They would both be exhausted by the time they found them all. But something in that competitive light in Jake’s eyes made her want to win, just this once.

  Toy after toy hit the pool skirt as the two of them dove beneath the water. Bryn felt like she had a good handle on the situation but checked to see how many toys Jake had on his side.

  They resurfaced at the same time. She caught his gaze, then looked into the water to find the next toy she was going after. It took a second to locate it because there was only one.

  He saw
it the same time she did. They looked at each other and their gazes locked. He laughed and dove beneath the water. He was a split second faster than she was, but she had proximity on her side. She snatched the ring and pushed to the surface.

  She tossed it onto the side with the rest of her toys as Wesley counted.

  Bryn looked to Jake. “Can she count?”

  The proud dad grinned. “High enough.”

  Wesley jumped up and down on the edge of the pool. “Dad, you got twenty-two, and, Bryn, you got twenty-three! Bryn wins,” she cried. “Hey, that rhymes.”

  Jake chuckled as Grandma Esther came out of the house bearing a tray with drinks and snacks.

  “I say the winner gets a kiss.” His grandmother set the tray on one of the pool side tables.

  Before Bryn could even blink, Jake hauled her to him. Their limbs tangled in the water as he swooped in and captured her mouth with his. It was more than a kiss of victory and less of a kiss that they might share had they been alone, but Bryn was still grateful they were in the water. Otherwise her legs might have given way underneath her.

  Jake broke the kiss, but retained his hold on her.

  “But you didn’t win,” she weakly protested.

  Jake laughed. “Oh, yes, I did.”

  • • •

  Are you sure about this?” Bryn looked dubiously at the four-wheeler.

  “I want to show you the ranch,” Jake said. “If you can’t ride horses, I figure this is the next best thing. It’s what we use when we go ride fences or need to get out pretty quick.”

  Bryn shook her head sadly. “My image of the cowboy has just been shot to hell.”

  Jake laughed. “Don’t worry. I ride a horse often enough. But an ATV can be replaced a lot easier than a trained horse can.”

  “Good point.”

  “It is easy to ride,” Jake said. “If you’ve ever ridden any type of motorcycle, it’s the same concept.” He explained the high points of gearshifts and gas lines and that sort of thing, then handed Bryn a helmet. “We’ll take it slow. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

  He shook his head and trailed his fingers along the curve of her stomach. “That’s precious cargo you’re carrying.”

  Bryn shook her hair back and donned the helmet, unwilling to dwell on his touch. Last night something had shifted between them. He seemed unable to keep his hands to himself and she was drawn further away. She was leaving soon. She needed to keep her distance. She needed to keep her heart.

  “Come on, Wesley,” Jake called. Wesley came out of the barn carrying the half-grown black kitten she loved. She promptly dropped it to the ground. It scampered away, and Bryn suppressed her chuckle. That girl loved cats.

  “Where’s my helmet?” Wesley asked. Jake held it up, and Wesley ran to him. She donned it and climbed on the back of his ATV, and they were off.

  Kota ran alongside them for a bit, then grew tired of the game and ambled back toward the house.

  Bryn stalled only a couple of times, but soon got the hang of the gears and the gas. She started to enjoy the ride, the fine hum of the machine beneath her. She had to admit though, it couldn’t compare to riding a horse. Though it had been years and years since she’d been on one.

  The land was beautiful and stretched on forever until it touched the sky in the distance. In Georgia there were trees upon trees and only they got to meet the sky, but here it was all about the land. Jake motioned for her to follow him and Bryn did as he asked, running up onto a small plateau. It was odd, this formation that seemed to sit in the middle of the tabletop, but it wasn’t so steep that they couldn’t ride the ATVs up one side. They parked and got off. Bryn took off her helmet as Jake and Wesley did the same. He pointed toward the distance. “Over there,” he started, “that’s Reagan County.” He turned back the other direction and pointed. “And over there is Hill Country.”

  “It’s amazing,” Bryn said. “How much of this do you own?”

  He looked down at her and laughed. “All of it.”

  “All of it?”

  “All of what you can see.”

  “How many acres is that?”

  “About two hundred and fifty thousand.”

  She had no idea.

  “We don’t use all of it for cattle though. Like where you’re standing right now is part of the conservation project. I lease some of it out for hunting in the winter and sometimes the college in San Angelo comes over. We let them do some studies here.”

  It seemed there was a lot more to modern ranching than she realized.

  “Let’s go back down,” he said. He donned his helmet and together they rode back down the small incline. He parked to one side and got off. “The creek is just over here.”

  They walked side by side, with Wesley skipping ahead picking up rocks and kicking at this and that as she went along.

  Kota sniffed his way behind Wesley. Bryn hadn’t seen the dog catch up to them, but she wasn’t surprised. It was as if anytime she were outside, he needed to be there to guard her.

  In that instant, they felt so much like a family that it brought tears to Bryn’s eyes. She missed her family so much, but she never had this. It’d always been her and Emery going here and there, to plays and musicals or out to get a treat at their favorite sidewalk café. Emery had been her everything and now that she was gone, there was a gaping hole in Bryn’s heart. She was doing what she could to patch it back together, but she knew it would never be the same.

  She glanced out over the rugged landscape, so different than Georgia. Emery would’ve loved it. She would have loved riding on a four-wheeler across the dusty desert land. She would’ve loved the horses and the kittens, Kota, and everything else the Langstons had.

  They came to the edge of the creek and Jake stopped. “Are you okay?”

  Bryn raised a hand to her cheek, only then realizing that she was crying. “I’m fine.”

  But the tears kept coming.

  “You don’t look fine.”

  Bryn laughed through her tears. “Thanks.”

  She didn’t have a tissue so she dashed them away with the back of her fingers and sniffed. “I’m okay, really.”

  He studied her intently, and Bryn wanted to duck her head lest he discover all her secrets.

  “I was just thinking how Emery would have loved it here.”

  Wesley made her way to the bank and began throwing the rocks she had collected into the clear water. From the outside her childhood looked picture-perfect, and suddenly Bryn wanted that for the twins, more than she wanted anything else in the world.

  “I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

  Bryn nodded. “Me too.” She shook her head and tried to pull herself together. “But you have to move on. Everybody’s lost somebody. I mean, you lost your wife.”

  His green eyes darkened until they were unreadable. “I don’t like to talk about her.”

  And just like that a cloud descended on their beautiful, clear day.

  Of course he didn’t want to talk about her. He was still in love with her. And that was just one of the many reasons why Bryn couldn’t marry him. Why she couldn’t stay in Texas. And why she could never be a part of the Langston family.

  “Wesley,” Jake called. “Come on. Let’s go back to the house.”

  • • •

  They rode back in silence. No talking, just the noise of the engine between them. Bryn tried to tell herself that it was that noise that kept any conversation at bay, but she knew that she had treaded on sacred ground. She could tell by the hard line of Jake’s jaw, by the severe angle of his shoulders, and by those handsome lips pressed together in a thin, unattractive line.

  As soon as they got back to the barn, Wesley went in to play with the kittens, but Jake brought her out.

  “To
morrow’s the first day of school,” he said. “Perhaps you’d forgotten?”

  “I ain’t forgot.”

  “You haven’t forgotten,” Jake corrected. “So that means we need to get your stuff ready. It’s a big day. We need to pick out what you want to wear to school. We need to get your notebooks and pencils in your backpack.”

  They started toward the house, and Bryn trailed behind like a lost puppy. It was better this way. At least now she could leave without such guilt on her shoulders. She would wait until Jake left with Wesley to go to school tomorrow, and she would head out. It was past time for her to go. They could let the lawyers work it out themselves.

  Wesley grabbed her dad’s hand and turned around to Bryn. “Will you help me pick out clothes?”

  Bryn stumbled a bit, so surprised by Wesley’s request. “I—”

  “Miss Bryn has grown-up stuff to do right now.” Jake didn’t bother to turn and look at her.

  Wesley started walking backward beside him. “Please, Miss Bryn, please come help me pick out clothes. You always look so pretty. I like to dress myself but . . .” She shook her head. “Sometimes the adults say I look . . .” She craned her neck to peer up at her father. “What was that word?”

  “Eclectic,” Jake said.

  “Please, Miss Bryn. I don’t know what that word means, but I have a feeling it’s not very good.”

  “Wesley,” Jake warned.

  Bryn chuckled. How could she say no? “Jake, I don’t mind.”

  A stern nod was his only response.

  • • •

  Bryn spent the rest of the afternoon helping Wesley get ready for school. They picked out a denim overall jumper and a comfortable T-shirt with scalloped edges to go underneath. Since Wesley was intent on wearing her cowboy boots, Bryn took a damp washrag and wiped the dust off them. She’d have to see if maybe Jake wanted to shine them up a bit, but she had a feeling that cowgirls didn’t care about such things. Even on a big day like the first day of kindergarten.

  “How do you want to wear your hair?” Bryn asked.

  “Can I get purple in it?”