Whip Me, Beat Me, Make Me Write Hot Sex

by Dalton, Tymber

  Another myth I want to destroy is that if someone is poly or a swinger, that doesn’t automatically make them into BDSM, and vice-versa. I know plenty of people in the BDSM world who are happily monogamous. Yes, there are some who are into all of the above, but don’t write your BDSM participants as sex-crazed people who will sleep with everyone, because that’s another myth fueled by porno sales.

  Not every Dominant is a sadist. Not every submissive is a masochist. And if you slip into stereotypes (I refuse to call them archetypes) you’ll end up with as weak a story as if you wrote a vanilla romance with an Alpha hero and TSTL (too stupid to live) heroine who has to be rescued at every turn.

  One of the common erroneous storylines I see is the clueless female submissive who stumbles into an experienced Dominant, and he just knows she’s submissive and has to introduce her to a whole new world. Within minutes she lets him tie her up and spank her, or he’s used the plot device of dubious consent/forced seduction, and she’s suddenly melting and realizing she’s meant to be HIS for life.

  Um, no. Not so much.

  First of all, most experienced Dominants will not just start playing with a newbie without setting down a lot of ground rules first, without talking, negotiating, and getting to know them at least a little. There are rape and assault laws in real life that must be taken into consideration. And let me tell you what, unless it’s an established couple who practice consensual non-consent (we’ll talk about that later), if a submissive utters ANYTHING that sounds like a safeword, or “no” or “stop,” I guarandamntee you that if the Dominant doesn’t stop, they’d have a dungeon full of other people stepping in to end the scene. (No one wants to be listed as an accessory to assault.) There may be private groups where this isn’t a rule, but so far at the events I’ve been to both public and private, it is.

  “Aw, come on, it’s fiction.”

  Well, yes, that’s true. Again, you can write a more true-to-life tale without crossing into what amounts to inaccurate purple prose stereotypes about BDSM.

  Don’t forget there are plenty of male submissives out there, and I’m not even talking gay ones, I’m talking straight men who want to be submissive to their female partner. Not “sissy men” either, but men who in their normal lives are even seen as Alpha men. (This was the topic of my book Domme by Default.) They don’t necessarily want the mythical “über Domme” fantasy, they might just want to be their woman’s shining knight or faithful servant, not her whipping boy. Why would a woman want a submissive man? What woman wouldn’t enjoy a man to take care of them, love them, and put them on a pedestal?

  What many writers totally miss is that the trappings of BDSM aren’t important, unless of course you get something wrong. The underpinnings of a BDSM relationship, whether it’s a committed relationship or just a one-time Top and bottom play scene, all come down to trust. The bottom trusts that the Top won’t hurt them in a bad way. The Top trusts that the bottom won’t go running to the police the next morning claiming assault. The bottom and Top must trust each other in a way that’s equivalent to the activities they are participating in.

  Obviously, for relationships where the people are involved as more than just play partners, there is a different level of trust.

  There are, believe it or not, people who voluntarily live as lifestyle slaves. In their real life they might be in a dominant position professionally—but not always, that’s another stereotype. But when they go home, they may be a slave to their partner. They might or might not enjoy bondage and pain/impact play. Just because they’re a slave doesn’t mean they don’t have negotiated limits. There are some slaves who consider themselves “no limit” slaves, but that’s usually because they trust their Master/Mistress and know that no harm will be allowed to come to them.

  If you troll FetLife.com you’ll see this is a common flame war-instigating topic. There are “won twue wayers” who insist you cannot be a “true” slave unless you have no limits and submit totally to your Master. Then there are people who consider themselves slaves who tell those people they’re full of shit. (I tend to side with the latter, not the WTW’s.) There are people who consider themselves practitioners of “internal enslavement” where it’s a mental state as well as physical practice.

  Unfortunately, there are a lot of “wannabee” Doms (usually men but sometimes women, too) who use BDSM as an excuse to be abusive. Those are pretty easy to spot, because they’re so full of shit that they squeak when they walk, to use an old expression. They are active online, but when faced with real life, they either disappear or they end up going through subs like crazy because no one wants to stay with them. They are narcissists and abusive jerks who think that any women (or men) who claim to be a submissive should immediately bow before them and suck up to them (or suck something). Because they are a DOM!

  Um, yeah, riiiight. How’s that God complex working for you, Sparky?

  You will sometimes run into Dominants (male and female) who rudely demand every person address them with an honorific Sir, Ma’am, Mistress, Master, High Potentate, whatever. (Many people see those kinds of Dominants as FOS—Full of Shit.) There are some Dominants who appreciate being shown that respect, but don’t demand it. The best thing to do is ask the individual how they prefer to be addressed. (This is, of course, not much different than vanilla life.) A majority of the people I’ve run into, if you’re not their sub, they’re fine with you just calling them by their name, or if a sub insists on using an honorific (some subs prefer to always use an honorific) Ma’am or Sir.

  Unless…it’s a leather club or other group where those kinds of high protocols are expected. Usually in those cases that’s just the way they do things, and if you ask them what their protocols are, they’ll tell you. See, there are differences, from groups who are a loose gathering of friends, to formal organizations who have bylaws and rules and all sorts of expectations, and everything in between.

  When I first hooked up with a local group of kinksters, their unofficial leader, a Dom in the lifestyle for several decades with a slave wife, told me to look at it like being Jewish. There are people who are totally kosher, who strictly abide by all the religious rules and are very orthodox. Then, there are the moderates and reformed, and down the line to those just there for the food. “Most people are here for the food,” he said as he laughed. Meaning that while there is a broad spectrum of ways to practice BDSM, again, no two people practice their kink the same way or with the same level of dedication or strictness.

  Disclosure: Most of my personal experience has been with groups on the looser, less formal end of the scale, although I have had interaction with people who practice high protocol. In my experience, however, the high-protocol people didn’t require others not in their high-protocol groups to use the same protocols and honorifics. Again, your mileage may vary, especially if you live in a different area of the country. One thing that is universal, you should offer everyone you meet in the lifestyle common courtesy regardless of their role in it. If in doubt, just ask the person and be up front that you want to make sure you get it right. They’ll be happy to tell you what they prefer, and they’ll appreciate the courtesy.

  In my experience, the average Dominant doesn’t try to boss around subs that don’t belong to them. Unless, of course, there is some prearranged agreement allowing that to happen. In fact, many play parties and clubs have rules that you keep your hands off other people’s toys and subs. The average Dominant and submissive is there to have a good time with their friends, and with their partner if they have one, or with a play partner if they hook up, and they’re just…average people. Dominants who do try to engage in that kind of overbearing behavior soon find themselves uninvited to group functions, as will submissives who try to latch onto other Dominants.

  The average submissive (or slave) doesn’t scurry around to serve everyone, although there are some subs who have that kink. (More power to them.) The average submissive is in attendance with their partner, Dominant, Top (whate
ver term they use) and plays with them. If they’re single or attending alone, they might have arranged to play with someone there. They might also play with people they know well, especially if there is a Dominant who is a service-top who enjoys playing with others. Some subs will attend functions under the protection or mentorship of a Dominant they don’t belong to so they feel more comfortable going without a partner of their own.

  Or, and I know this might shock some of you, they might just go to the play party to hang out with their friends and not play at all. (Gasp!)

  I’m sure there will be people in the lifestyle who say, “Um, that’s not how things are done where I am,” and that’s fine. In different areas of the country, there are different groups with different general “rules.” There are also differences depending on if a group is a general mixed BDSM group, or if they might be a gay Leatherman group, or a pony play group, or a spanking group, or whatever. There are different rules for groups who play in private homes, or private membership-only clubs where full sexual contact might be allowed, versus rules for public club venues where indecency and public nudity laws must be adhered to.

  So what is an “average” BDSM relationship?

  Well, that’s impossible to say. Commonly, there is usually a Dominant partner and a submissive partner, but not always. The partners might “switch,” meaning they take turns. Or one might be Dominant, but they might also be a masochist and they have their submissive top them (notice I didn’t capitalize that because it’s a verb) in a scene.

  Again, WTW’s will try to claim any Dominant who is a switch isn’t a “real” Dominant. And again, those people are FOS.

  Or there might be people who only practice this type of dynamic in the bedroom or at a play party, and in the rest of their relationship they are vanilla.

  Let’s talk terminology. While on sites like FetLife.com you’ll see some submissives using slashy speak, a lot of people don’t bother with that in real life. Slashy speak is an extremely formal way of writing where you see a submissive pen something like this: “W/we are looking forward to coming to Your party, Sir. Master has told this girl that she will be allowed to play…”

  Or you’ll see a submissive referring to themselves in all lower-case (not uncommon): “i am looking forward to coming to Your party. Master has said that i…”

  But again, not all Dominants require that.

  * * * *

  Terminology.

  Let me state up front before I start this section that I am in no way trying to denigrate any demographic, gay or straight or flexible. I am not trying to leave anyone out, but at some point, for the sake of readability, I cannot include every single possible combination.

  When you’re researching GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered) BDSM topics, you might see terms like boi, gurl, gyrl, Syr, or other terms spelled unusually. How people chose to be addressed or labeled is solely up to them, and I am in no way trying to exclude any group of people.

  I tend to write about m/f and m/m parings (or ménage versions of those) and not f/f pairings. So this primer is written from that point of view. If you write f/f stories, I’m in no way trying to exclude you.

  Pet Peeve: There is no such thing as a Dominate. The word dominate is a verb. A Dominant can dominate someone. You can be dominated. You might have a dominant personality, or you might be a Dominant. You cannot be a “Dominate.” So, please, check your spellings!

  Dominants: A male is a Dom, a female is a Domme, sometimes a Dominatrix or Domina. Unless they want to consider themselves a Dom. Some people pronounce “Domme” as “Dom-may,” but a lot of people just say it “Dom.” When referring to a Dom/me, you will almost always capitalize it if referring to a specific person or relationship position. (Exception, if using it as a descriptor, it’s written lower-case: He has a dominant personality. He is a Dominant. She is his Dominant.)

  There is no hard and fast rule, when referring to a female Dominant, to the title they will use. It is not uncommon for a pro-Domme to refer to herself as a Dominatrix, but I’ve seen non-pro Dommes also call themselves a Dominatrix, so again, that’s very flexible.

  And as one female Domme once wrote, “Just because I’m a Domme doesn’t make me your Domme.”

  Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for female Dominants to be harassed by male submissives who are looking to have their submissive fantasies fulfilled. These types of subs are frequently called “do-me” subs, and they can also be female subs going after male Dominants. It’s also not uncommon for female submissives to be harassed by male “Dominants” (quotes intentional) who are abusive assholes looking for a quickie.

  Master/Mistress: These are commonly used titles. Again, capitalize when referring to the Dominant. Not all Doms are Masters, not all Masters are Doms. (I know, it’s confusing.) Some Dominants consider themselves Masters/Mistresses, some do not. It’s a personal thing, there is no official test you take to get the ranking. Some use collars, some do not. Some have formal contracts, some do not. No two relationships are alike. Some people are married to their slaves, some are not. Some have more than one slave/sub.

  Oh, and let’s add this in now for even more confusion. Just because someone is a slave or submissive to someone else, that does not automatically mean they have sex with that person. There are slaves/subs who only engage in service to someone. In fact it’s not uncommon for Dominants to play or scene in a non-sexual way with submissives or slaves they aren’t partnered with, while that submissive or slave might be married to someone else. This is especially true if the other Dominant has skills the submissive or slave wants to experience. Many Dominants don’t work with singletails, so if a submissive wants to experience that, they (along with their Dominant, of course) might ask to play with a Dominant who does. And a submissive might be married or partnered with a vanilla person who isn’t into the lifestyle, but who allows their partner to get those kinky needs met in a non-sexual way.

  MaleDom (or Maledom) refers to the male being the Dominant partner. FemDom (Femdom) refers to the female being the Dominant partner.

  Writing style guide for BDSM: When using He/She capitalized in a story, be careful how you handle that. You might find yourself in a trap of capitalizing every instance of that word in application toward a Dominant. You don’t need to do that, and it can lead to accidental inconsistencies if you miss some. Save the capitalization for direct references in internal monologue or spoken dialogue, and only when writing from the submissive’s point of view. The Dominant wouldn’t speak about themselves like that, unless they’re a total dork. For capitalizing Dom/me, Master, Mistress, etc. they should almost always be capitalized in a story, unless it’s used as verb or descriptor and not a title/label. Even then, depending on the story and application, that can be flexible. (And remember, dominate is a verb, not a noun or a title.) However you do it, do it consistently. Submissive, slave, bottom, and other uses are always lower-cased unless the first word in a sentence.

  submissives/slaves: When referring to a submissive or slave, use lower-case (unless at the beginning of a sentence). Dominant/submissive. Master/slave. Not all submissives are slaves, not all slaves are submissives. Some Dominants have a slave, some Masters have a submissive. I know one woman who loves to top others, and she’s definitely not submissive, but she is her husband’s slave. She only submits to him in that way, and he even says she’s not submissive. I know the WTW’s will have an aneurism when they read that, but it’s the truth.

  Owners/property (pet, toy, whatever): Some people refer to themselves as an Owner and a pet. Or an Owner and a toy. Or some sort of variation of that. Again, there is no set standard, and people define their own relationships. Sometimes people affiliate with more than one designation.

  Top/bottom: This is one of the most flexible sets of terms. Top and bottom can mean anything from the sexual position taken in an encounter or relationship, to people playing in a scene regardless of their other dominance-related orientations. Someone can be submis
sive and still be a Top, someone can bottom and be Dominant. Some people only play without the D/s dynamic involved elsewhere in their relationship, so Top and bottom fit them better. You can be a Top and top (or Top) someone. The key in this is consistency in how you use the term. You don’t have to always capitalize Top like you do Dominant or Master, but you can. Usually, if used as a verb, it’s not capitalized. If used as a noun, and in reference to a Dominant, it’s capitalized. If used as a noun in reference to a submissive, it’s not capitalized.

  Switch: A switch is someone that doesn’t mind taking on either role. This might be only in certain circumstances, like with one partner, or it might be for certain activities, like if they enjoy receiving needle play but they normally are Dominant. Once again, this is another hot-button topic for the WTW’s who insist a “true” Dominant never bottoms or switches. (Remember, WTW equals FOS.)

  Topping from the bottom refers to a submissive who tries to control the play or get their way. This is similar to a smart-assed masochist (SAM) who tries to gig their Dominant into a reaction (like punishing them). A brat is usually a submissive who is just that—bratty. This can range from amusing to annoying behavior, depending on how it happens. Some Dominants tolerate or even permit this (so they can punish the sub), and some see it as a violation of their protocols and will release a sub who engages in it.

  The types of relationships can vary widely from people who only play in private behind their bedroom doors to people who live the lifestyle openly twenty-four/seven. Relationships can vary from playful bedroom fun to a serious Master and slave relationship.

  There is an old joke that states a true masochist says, “Beat me!” and a true sadist says, “No.” Actually, that’s true, in many ways. Dominants/Tops/sadists have as many ways of practicing their kink as submissives/slaves/bottoms/masochists have of receiving it. I joke about one of my friends that he’s the sweetest sadist you’ll ever meet. There are sadists who are bottoms, there are masochists who are Tops. There are people who switch in that way as well, they both enjoy giving and receiving.