Whip Me, Beat Me, Make Me Write Hot Sex

by Dalton, Tymber

  There are sensual sadists, where if you watch them play, what they’re doing looks more like heavy-duty foreplay than sadomasochism. There are sadists who edge play, doing things you wouldn’t think any human being could take. And people everywhere in between. Believe me, there are masochists to fill the spectrum as well.

  There are service tops who aren’t sadists, but their kink is getting a submissive or masochist into subspace so they’ll play as lightly or heavily with them as they need to. There are submissives who are obedience-driven, so even though they might not enjoy pain play, they’ll take it because obedience is their kink and by taking the pain, it puts them into subspace.

  Let’s talk about subspace. I once heard a WTW say that it’s impossible to put someone into subspace without beating them there.

  Hmm. I’d hate to be that person’s submissive. I’ve personally witnessed submissives talked into subspace by their Dominants. Especially Dominants who’ve been practicing for a while and who have a background in hypnosis and NLP and have set “triggers” for their subs. I’ve talked to even more submissives who say absolutely, a Dominant they trust can easily slide them into subspace without laying a hand on them. Sometimes the build up to a scene, the anticipation of what will happen, rituals and routines the Dominant uses, can have the submissive (or sub) in subspace before they even take the first stroke with an implement.

  What is subspace?

  Subspace is a mental state, frequently fueled by endorphins released during a scene (sort of like the purported “runner’s high”) where the submissive is in a state of mind like a natural high. How a submissive gets into subspace varies from person to person. I’ve seen male service subs in subspace just from being ordered around. It might not be as deep a subspace as someone getting whipped by a singletail, but it’s just as valid a mindset.

  In a scene, the general goal usually is for the Dominant to get the submissive into subspace. This doesn’t always happen. There is also Domspace, where sometimes a Dominant can get so caught up in the scene that they end up in a type of headspace.

  Sub-drop is when, for whatever reason, a sub crashes during or even after a scene. It can be something triggering a bad emotion or reaction, it can be if the scene is interrupted and they aren’t stepped down from subspace by the Dominant, it can be for any reason. How people experience sub-drop varies from person to person. And yes, Dom-drop can happen when a Dominant crashes in a similar manner, emotionally or sometimes even physically. Sometimes a Dom just needs time to recharge their own emotional batteries.

  Contrary to popular belief, Doms are not robots. They don’t all gleefully whip their submissive and get off on it. There are as many reasons for a person to be a Dominant as there are for a person to be a submissive. And depending on the type of relationship, the Dominant might be as emotionally drained by the scene as the submissive. It’s a huge responsibility to take charge of someone’s physical safety and emotional well-being. Yes, there are people who like pain and just want to have the crap beaten out of them, and there are Dominants who will gleefully do that. But again, that’s just one aspect, not an all-encompassing truth.

  Chastity, forced orgasms, orgasm denial. These are closely linked in that the dominant partner (male chastity is commonly enforced in Femdom relationships, sometimes at the man’s request) controls the submissive partner’s orgasms or lack thereof. Yes, it is possible to engage in forced orgasm play with a man, but usually he’s been denied orgasms for a while leading up to that point so it makes it easier for him to have multiple orgasms. I’ve talked to Dominants who have established such a deep relationship with their sub that they can order them to climax on command. Usually with an established trigger, so it’s totally doable. No, not everyone can do this. Not all Dominants posses the knowledge to train their submissive to do it, and even if they do, not all submissives are able to reach that type of mental state to be able to let go and do it. So yes, it does exist, and I know several female submissives who are able to do it. But no, it’s not something everyone can do, especially if they’ve just met their play partner.

  Again, let me emphasize there are plenty of people who play in public whose play never enters a sexual range.

  Back to the relationships. You’ll see references to FLR or WLR types of relationships. This stands for Female-Led Relationship (or Wife-Led Relationship). This is where the man wants his wife to take over. In modern parlance, the guy is frequently seen as being pussy-whipped or hen-pecked, but there are men who simply want their wife to be in charge. But that might be as far as their relationship goes. They might not be into BDSM at all.

  A total power exchange (TPE) relationship can be straight, gay, and involve all or none of the aspects of BDSM. This means the one partner has ceded all control to the other partner. Many Master/slave relationships are TPE.

  A 1950’s Household or Taken In Hand relationship is one where the woman wants the man to basically take a traditionally dominant role. To be in charge. Unfortunately, women who willingly want this kind of relationship are frequently as ridiculed by their peers as men who want a WLR/FLR relationship. Again, there might be no elements of BDSM in this type of dynamic at all. This shares a close affinity to the traditional Alpha hero who comes in, demands the heroine do what he says, and she swoons and says, “Sure!”

  Either of these situations might have an element of domestic discipline (DD) to them, where spanking is used as punishment for breaking rules of the relationship, but not as pleasure. (Although that’s not to say the recipient of the spanking might not enjoy it!) There are also relationships that aren’t FLR or 1950’s that use DD as an element of their dynamic.

  Cuckolding is another type of relationship where the male (frequently willingly) sits back while the female goes out and sleeps with others. Sometimes bringing them home. Sometimes forcing the cuck (the man the woman sleeps with is referred to as the bull) to prepare the woman to be fucked by the bull. Sometimes he’s even required to fluff the bull or help out in some other way during sex. This usually differs from an open relationship in that there is an element of humiliation involved. Yes, there are guys out there who get off on being humiliated like that. Again, don’t diss the kink even if it’s not yours.

  Poly (polyamory/polyamourous), swinging, and open relationships are tricky to define because they are usually defined by the people within those relationships. They might or might not include elements of BDSM. They can also overlap definitions.

  The following definitions should be used as a general guide, not as hard and fast rules.

  Poly: People who are poly generally have an above-board multiple relationship situation. The most commonly portrayed poly relationships in fiction often involve two men and a woman. If the men are involved with each other as well as the woman, it’s labeled mmf, or if the men only do the woman and not each other, it’s labeled mfm. This kind of relationship is generally referred to as a triad. However, in real life, it appears there are more fmf and ffm types of triads than mfm and mmf. (Again, this is not a hard and fast rule, it’s just what I’ve learned in my research.)

  In poly, there are generally rules to follow, established by those in the relationship, about how (or if) new partners are added to the relationship. A poly relationship might be temporary, or it might be long-term, monogamous, and closed to expansion. If partners are allowed to sleep with others outside of the relationship, there are generally established guidelines dictating things like safe sex and requiring current medical reports on the new partners. Partners in the core relationship (whether a triad or quad or whatever) might have an agreement that they are the only ones allowed to exchange body fluids, but sexual contact outside of the core group must be safe sex.

  An open relationship is commonly one where the people in the primary relationship see others under pre-stated conditions (usually requiring safe sex) that don’t undermine the primary relationship, and the other relationships are usually short-term. (Again, poly and open can overlap.)
r />   Swingers are usually defined as people who swap partners, or who add partners to their relationship, on a temporary basis, sometimes at a party arranged for that purpose. They might or might not regularly swap partners with the same people.

  Unfortunately, a lot of people who simply want to cheat label themselves poly when the truth is, a true poly relationship (and this is about the only rule everyone usually agrees on) has a set of rules dictating that there must be honesty and a consensus amongst the participants.

  So if someone says, “I’m poly, but don’t tell my wife,” they’re actually cheating. They might be poly, but the way they’re going about it in that case isn’t in the spirit of poly.

  Leathermen are frequently gay men, but not always. There are several versions of the history of Leathermen. I honestly have no idea what the true origins are. There are people who say they are in leather families who adhere to certain high protocols, and it’s a subset of BDSM. If you want to write about the leather culture, I strongly suggest you do a lot of research about it. Don’t toss the term around and refer to a guy wearing leather as a Leatherman.

  There are spanking clubs, where people aren’t into BDSM per se, they just like being spanked. No, seriously, I’m not making that up.

  There are tea societies, where the women have tea and their men serve them.

  There are pony and dog clubs (no, not involving animals) where people dress up as ponies and dogs (and other animals) and they engage in pony play (or puppy/kitten play). The people enjoy prancing around dressed in pony gear, sometimes down to fake hooves on their hands and feet (or puppy gear, including ears and tails) and their partner (if they have one) is their owner. While there can be a sexual aspect to this, usually in public there isn’t.

  Remember, pony and puppy play is NOT bestiality! NO REAL ANIMALS are involved in the play. It’s simply people dressing up as animals and acting out their fantasies. This is closely related to cosplay, where people enjoy dressing up in costumes, usually as some sort of animal (think sports mascot, but not always) and having fun.

  There are also Daddy/girl (or boy) relationships which, again, do NOT involve “children.” It’s consenting adults who want to engage either in age play (where they pretend they’re a younger age from babies all the way up to teenager) or who want a Daddy (or Mommy) to take care of them. People who don’t understand this dynamic frequently assume it has something to do with pedophilia, and nothing could be farther from the truth. It is simply a partner wanting the safety and security of a parental or disciplinarian relationship dynamic, maybe it’s one they didn’t have growing up, whatever, and they act it out like that. Or sometimes the Dominant partner is just called Daddy or Mommy without age play involved.

  Consensual Non-Consent (CNC), sometimes also called “rape play,” is another legitimate kink. It is what it sounds like, the players have agreed ahead of time to engage in this play. If it’s done in public, the players will let whoever is in charge of the playspace/dungeon know that’s what they’re doing so no one steps in. This kind of play can be hard to witness for people who aren’t familiar with it, because on the surface, it does look like…well, assault or rape, depending on how far they go. If you witness this kind of play and everyone’s standing around and you don’t know if it’s CNC, find a dungeon master or staff member and bring it to their attention. Either they’ll tell you yes, they know, it’s a pre-arranged CNC scene, or they’ll step in and make sure it is in fact a negotiated CNC scene.

  Gor/Gorean. This is a common, albeit minority, type of Master/slave dynamic based upon the fictional works of John Norman, and is very high protocol.

  There are so many things I could write about that I could, literally, fill a book about it. One thing you must keep in mind: people who practice a non-vanilla relationship are not inherently weird, broken, sick, twisted, abused, or any other label frequently assigned to them. Yes, some people might have a background of abuse, but many don’t. Many simply get off on the kink.

  Some could make the valid argument that many traditional fundamental religious marriages where the wife defers to the husband are technically taken in hand relationships. But I’d also be willing to bet those couples would strongly object to that comparison and distance themselves far from the WIITWD umbrella.

  While you will see a lot written of scenes, especially if set in a club, that’s not always how people play. Lifestyle players who live it twenty-four/seven might have set protocols that the submissive goes through every day. I personally know one Mistress who has her slave husband bring her coffee in bed every morning. I’ve read on several other blogs about other Mistresses who also have this as part of their daily ritual. It can be anything formal or innocuous.

  Above all, you will see SSC or RACK referred to in BDSM. These stand for Safe, Sane, and Consensual, or Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. Notice the two phrases share the word consensual. In your book, if you’re trying to accurately portray BDSM, never have a hero (or heroine) drug their partner to have their way with them. That is predatory and illegal. If you want to have a villain do that, fine, but try to make them not a traditional BDSM player because that plays into a commonly used negative stereotype.

  However, some people who have been together for a while don’t play with safewords. Not because they want to engage in dangerous behavior, but because they know their partner so well that either the sub can say, “Um, problem,” and the Dominant will stop the scene or make an adjustment, or the Dominant knows the sub so well that they can sense a problem when it happens and stop or adjust as need be.

  Safewords (or not using them) are controversial. The truth of the matter is, no safeword can protect you, that goes back to trust in your partner and their level of experience and skill. A lot of people I know simply use green, yellow, and red as safewords, rather than trying to remember a safeword. And honestly, some subs and Doms will tell you that when a sub is deeply in subspace, even if there is a problem, they might not be in the right frame of mind to signal their distress. That’s why it’s vitally important for a top to be experienced, especially if playing with a new partner. Some tops will have their sub hold an item, and if they drop the item the scene is immediately stopped. (Especially if they use a gag on the sub.)

  Edge play is when people practice things that are on the far end of the scale, even by kinky standards. These can include things like blood play, knife and needle play, gun play, breath play, fire play, and electro play. Although with some of these activities there are ways to play them, in the hands of a skilled practitioner, that leads to little true risk to the bottom.

  Note: I will not cover this further, but it needs a mention. Golden showers and watersports (peeing on someone, being peed on, or consuming urine), scat play (playing with poo), and other similar kinks are, yes, seen in the kinky world in real life. HOWEVER, most publishers will not accept a manuscript with these elements. It tends to squick mainstream readers out and usually is not well-received by vanilla erotica readers.

  I have seen stories where a non-human character (Morgan Hawke’s Interstellar Service and Discipline series comes to mind, involving a feline-like non-human hero) engages in marking behavior using urine. If you include this kind of scene with shape-shifters or other non-human characters, be very careful how you write it. If it’s possible, I suggest avoiding that altogether to appeal to the largest readership possible. If you insist on using it, be prepared to face objections or rejections from editors who won’t accept any manuscripts with those kinds of scenes.

  Now as we move on to the next section, I want to repeat that there is no set standard. How one person might practice their kink will differ drastically from how another person practices it.

  Chapter Three: Tools of the Trade

  There is no possible way to include every single item used in BDSM in one book. It’s not possible because as someone once joked, if you can’t pervert it, you’re just not kinky enough. One popular thread on a discussion board I frequent lists shopping c
art combinations that might raise eyebrows with the checkout clerk.

  For example: a frozen turkey, a ball of twine, three boxes of condoms, and a jumbo tube of K-Y Jelly. Or ping-pong paddles, duct tape, and candles.

  See? Those could be totally innocent, but you know you want to think about it a while, don’t you?

  Many Dominants frequently call home improvement stores “Dom Depot” because they do more kinky shopping there than they do regular shopping.

  I know one Dominant who bought a clear blue plastic round artwork tube case, normally used for carrying around things like blueprints, to carry their crops and canes in.

  Another Dominant whose sub is into mummification buys large rolls of clear plastic food wrap from a local discount membership warehouse.

  And did you know there are many colors of duct tape available?

  I’ve seen small metal baseball bats, ping-pong paddles, and golf balls used as pervertibles. Clothes pins are another commonly used item. One Dominant used a barbecue skewer for sensory play. And how many people got spanked with a belt or hairbrush?

  Let’s go over the basics, but remember, this doesn’t excuse you from doing your own research, it’s meant to help eliminate some confusion so you can easily figure out what you need to learn.

  * * * *

  Furniture.

  Bondage furniture can range from your bed, to a high-dollar, specially made bondage bench and anything in between. If you can figure out a way to tie someone to it, it’s bondage furniture. People on low budgets frequently convert yard-sale exercise equipment, like old weight benches, into DIY bondage furniture.

  Commonly seen items in a dungeon include a St. Andrew’s Cross, which is (usually) an upright X-shaped structure with bondage attachment points at the top, bottom, and sometimes at the waist, too; spanking bench, sometimes called a spanking horse depending on the style; bondage bench; trapeze bar or other suspension rigging; cages; sex slings. Sometimes items might not have a name, or they might be designed to be multi-purpose.