Shattered Innocence

by Noelle, Alexis

  I look up at her hoping she will say something profound. “You think I could be a pimp after Damon goes to jail for beating up one of your clients?” Nope. Nothing. “Get your ass ready, I’m leaving for class in twenty.”

  I reluctantly lift myself off of the stool. I’m thankful that it’s Monday for once, that means I have the week to figure out what the hell to do about seeing Damon before and after the jobs this weekend.

  I get dressed in yoga pants and a loose t-shirt, my must haves on any normal day. When I pick up my phone I see a message from Damon.

  Wish I could have stayed with you last night. Let me make it up to you tonight?

  I reply yes before heading out the door. On the drive to school Lo and I fight about the volume of the music. It feels like thousands of little jackhammers are going off in my head, and this bitch wants to blast Rihanna.

  Classes are basically a blur because all I can think of, when I’m not trying to keep from passing out, is Damon. I don’t know how we are going to make this work, but I’m hoping we can. I go home and grab a shower, I feel disgusting after I drink and I didn’t have the time to shower this morning. When I’m done I grab another pair of yoga pants and throw on one of Damon’s shirts that I had found in my bag. He must have put it with my stuff by accident when we were packing up the hotel room. My hair is still wet so I throw it up into a messy bun so I can wear it down and curly tomorrow.

  When I walk into the living room Lo is laying on the couch reading. “You and your damn smut books. You know that no guy will ever live up to that shit, right?”

  She looks up at me. “Then I guess it will just be me and my B.O.B”

  “B.O.B.?”

  “Yeah, Battery Operated Boyfriend. You really are naïve for a slut.” She looks me up and down then laughs. “Honeymoon phase over already?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  She sits up. “No makeup, messy bun, yoga pants, and his old t-shirt. Either the honeymoon phase is over or you’ve lost your damn mind. You’re not supposed to show him the ugly until he puts a ring on that shit.”

  I shake my head and walk out of the door. I drive over to Damon’s and try not to let Lo’s comments bother me. She makes me so damn crazy sometimes, but I know it all comes from a good place. Where most friends might tell you that another shirt would look better on you Lo will tell you it makes you look like a cow and moo at you. If I didn’t love her, I would hate her guts.

  I walk up to Damon’s house and knock on the door. He opens the door and smiles when he sees me. “You’re wearing my shirt.” I step in and wrap my arms around his waist enjoying the feeling of being pressed against him. “I have to say, it’s kind of hot.”

  Ha! Take that Lo! Damon shuts the door and we walk over to his couch and sit down. “So, what did you do today?”

  “Nothing much, why?”

  “You said you had to get up early.”

  “Oh, yeah. I had to go to the DMV to get a new ID. I couldn’t find mine when we got back from the trip.”

  I can’t shake the feeling that he is lying to me, and that it’s not the first time. I’m about to ask him what’s up when my phone rings. I don’t recognize the number, but I answer it anyway. “Hello?”

  “Baby girl, where are you?” No. Not while I’m here. “Can you bring some pizza home with you?”

  I sigh and try to collect myself before answering her. “Mom, I’ve told you before that I don’t live with you anymore. I’m at college, I have been for the last four years.”

  “Why don’t you love us, baby girl?”

  The tears are starting to gather in my eyes. I feel Damon standing behind me. Why does he have to be here for this? Why does she have to do this to me all the time? “I do. I just needed better.”

  “You think you’re better than us? You’re just an ungrateful little bitch who I should have fucking had aborted.”

  Damon rips the phone out of my hand, hangs up and throws it on the couch. His arms wrap around me as I start to sink down to the floor. He picks me up and carries me over to the couch, placing me on his lap.

  “I need to go home. I need to go talk to Lo.”

  His arms tighten around me. “No. Let me be here for you. Tell me. I’m not going to run, Jess. I’m here for you. You just need to let me in.” I shake my head no. I don’t want him to know everything about me; I don’t want to be that vulnerable around him. “Yes.” His hands grasp the sides of my face and make me look up at him. “Please, let me in.”

  I close my eyes and bite the inside of my lip. “The day I left home I had tried to talk to my mom and dad all day. They were having a huge party that had carried over from the night before. I had been telling them for a while that I was leaving but I think they never took me seriously, or they were too high to care. I tried to talk to my mom but she just kept asking me to go get them more liquor. My dad basically just told me not to get knocked up wherever I was going because they wouldn’t deal with another unwanted kid. When I started to walk out of the door with my suitcase I think the realization that I was leaving and doing something better with my life hit my mom. She got pregnant with me when she was a senior in high school and she never graduated. She started to scream at me about how worthless I was, that I would never make it on my own, and how no one could ever love me.”

  My eyes are still trained on the ground because I can’t bear to see his face. “She told me that she regretted having me every day of her life. I should have never been born and her life would have been perfect if it wasn’t for me. The last thing she said to me before I left was that now I was going to go out into the world and fuck up someone else’s life. Every once and a while she calls me, higher than a kite and acts like I’m still there. She asks me to pick her up food or booze. When I tell her I left she screams about how much she hates me. They never pay their bills so it’s never from the same number. I always answer though because I know one day it won’t be her, it will be a hospital or the police telling me she’s dead.”

  I can’t hold it back anymore and I break down. I bury my head in Damon’s chest and let go of everything I’ve been holding in. He kisses the top of my head and rubs my back, the entire time staying silent. After I finally compose myself, I look up at him, and I can see so much emotion in his eyes. We just sit there and look at each other, until I turn away. “I’m so scared that what she has always said to me will be true.”

  Damon stands with me still in his arms, and walks with me down to his bedroom. He lays me down on the bed and then lies down next to me. His hand is slowly skimming my skin and it’s so comforting. His fingers pinch my chin and he turns my head toward him. “She was wrong, Jessie. I can see in your eyes that you’re scared it’s true, but it’s not. You’re an amazing person. You have pulled me in since the first time I laid eyes on you. I haven’t been able to think of anything or anyone since you first told me to go fuck myself. I know letting people in is hard for you, but I’m not going anywhere. I can also tell you’re scared that no one will ever love you. I can guarantee you that is not true.”

  Did Damon just say he loved me? I don’t have time to ask before he is softly kissing me. There is no fire, but there is pure emotion and it’s flowing through me filling all of the lonely places inside me. For the first time, Damon took things slow and we spent hours indulging in each other. If it didn’t scare the shit out of me, I might say that we made love.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I wake up wrapped in Damon’s arms and his head is buried in my neck. I never sleep better than I do when I’m with him. Being wrapped up in his arms makes everything else fade away. In this bed right now there is no uncertainty, no fears, and no troubles.

  Having my mom call when I was with him last night was a blessing and a curse. It opened up a part of me that I wasn’t ready to share. However, at the same time letting him see that side of me strengthened our bond. It’s scary for me after years of keeping everyone out to open myself up to him. I need to let that go tho
ugh, because if I don’t, I feel like I might end up pushing him away.

  His arms tighten around me and I smile. “Good morning.”

  I turn toward him. “Good morning.” He kisses me and his hand begins to skim down my body. I grab it quickly and halt its journey, as he looks up at me confused. “I have to go. My class is in less than an hour, and I don’t have any clothes here.”

  He pouts at me hoping that will guilt me into staying with him. It would have totally worked if I didn’t have a presentation to do today. “Stay with me.”

  I laugh and quickly roll out of his arms knowing that catching him off guard will be the only method of escape. “I’ll see you later, okay?” I get dressed and then turn back to look at him. He is lying down with his hands behind his head. The sheet is pulled down just above his waist, showing off his muscular chest and abs. My eyes trail farther down to see the obvious evidence of how much he wants me to stay.

  I really want to stay now but I know that I can’t and standing here looking at him is torture. “You don’t play fair.”

  He smirks at me. “Why would I?” Damon hands goes to reach for the edge of the sheet starting to lift it up.

  I quickly turn and walk out of the room before I get sucked in. That man is absolutely insatiable, not that I’m complaining. I shake my head as I walk out to the car. The entire drive to the apartment I go over my presentation in my head praying to God that I don’t majorly screw up. When I walk in, I don’t see Lo anywhere, she must be getting dressed.

  I throw on a pair of jeans and a nice shirt, not wanting to look like my usual bum self when I’m standing in front of the entire class. The bathroom door opens and Lo walks in. “I noticed you didn’t come home last night, hooch.”

  I smile at her. “I spent the night at Damon’s.”

  “No shit, Sherlock.” We both laugh. “So how’s it going with pimp daddy?”

  “Shut up, Lo.”

  She raises her hands in surrender. “Okay, okay someone is testy. I would say you need to get some but we know that you don’t. What’s up?”

  I sit down on the bed and look at her. “My mom called last night.”

  “Shit. While you were with him?”

  I nod my head. “Yep.”

  “How did he take it?” She sits down next to me. Lo has been there for almost every call over the years and obviously she was with me the day I walked out. She knows how badly the stuff with my mom affects me, and how much I didn’t want him to see that.

  “Honestly? He was amazing. He made me feel better, and calmed me down.” I take a deep breath before daring to say the next statement out loud. “I think he tried to tell me he loved me.”

  “Tried? How the hell do you try to say something?”

  “I don’t know, Lo. He didn’t come right out and say it but he implied it. It’s almost like I felt it flowing out of him, it was crazy.”

  She just smiles and shakes her head. “Girl, I have known that man was in love with you since Halloween.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  She cocks her head to the side and looks at me. “Really?” I give her a confused look and she sighs. “He shows up to ‘fight’ for you. You tell him to fuck off and start mauling a guy in front of him. Then instead of leaving he goes into your room to wait for you while you’re bumping and grinding all over a drunken cowboy. Then he doesn’t leave after you guys have sex but stays to spend time with you in the morning. Come on, chick.”

  I think about everything Lo just said, she can’t be right though. It is way too soon for all of this. “Lo, we have known each other for two damn months. He is NOT in love with me.”

  “Listen, we can debate this more later but we’re gonna be late. Just so you know though, you can try to ignore the way he is showing how he feels. You can’t ignore what your body is telling you that you feel.”

  What the hell was that supposed to mean. I did not love Damon. I barely knew him. Did I like to be around him? Yes. Did I feel safe and secure enough to start opening up to him? Yes. Was he the only person I have ever let in other than Lo? Yes.

  Shit.

  ***

  I barely made it through my presentation because all my stupid fucking brain could focus on was Damon. He was consuming my every thought and it was really starting to piss me off. Maybe I’ve just been seeing him too much and I should back off a little. I take out my phone as I’m walking out of the building and see that I have a text from him.

  Damon: Dinner tonight?

  Me: Sorry I can’t.

  Damon: You have other plans?

  Me: No I just need to stay home and get some stuff done.

  Damon: I’m calling bullshit. What’s up?

  Me: nothing. I’ll talk to you later. I have to go.

  I hop in my car and drive back to the apartment. I just need a few days to get a hold of myself and realize I don’t need him as much as I think I do. Lo gets home an hour after I do and when she sees me in the living room watching TV she gives me a weird look. “What are you doing home? I figured you would be out with man candy.”

  “I told him I was busy tonight. I just needed a break from everything.” She shakes her head. “It’s not a big deal.”

  “Whatever. Just don’t be the stupid predictable bitch that pushes away a guy she doesn’t think she is good enough for. That bitch ends up lonely, with sixty cats, and a house that smells like piss.”

  She walks away and leaves me with my mouth hanging open. I had turned my phone on vibrate after I finished texting Damon. I knew he wouldn’t drop it and didn’t want to be tempted to change my mind. It is sitting out of sight in my purse but it’s like I can hear it calling my name. I know that there are texts from him and probably a zillion Facebook notifications. I very rarely have my phone away from me fearing that I’ll miss some huge event.

  There is knock at the door and I go to open it assuming it’s the Chinese food that I ordered. When I open it I see Damon standing in front of me. Fuck.

  “Why haven’t you been answering your phone?”

  I look at the floor embarrassed not only because I’ve been ignoring him but because of the Tweety Bird pajamas I have on. “I turned it on vibrate and I forgot to check it.”

  “Once again, I’m gonna call bullshit.” He catches me off guard and steps into the apartment.

  “Oh, hey Damon!” Lo shouts as she walks out of her room. She better not say anything. “Did Jessie tell you how she is trying to push you away on purpose cause she’s a scared little bitch?”

  I turn and give her a death look.

  “Oh you didn’t, Jess? Oops.”

  I lunge for her and she turns around and escapes into her room, locking the door. I refuse to turn back and look at Damon, even though I can feel his eyes on me. His hands circle my waist and I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

  “Don’t. Run.”

  I relax against him wanting to be okay with the pace we are moving, but I’m not. “It’s too much. It’s happening too fast. I’m not ready for this.”

  His chins rests on my shoulder and I break out in goosebumps. “Ready for what, Jessie. I just want to be around you because you amaze me. You have been through so much shit, but you’re still one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. There is nothing wrong with enjoying spending time with someone. It doesn’t mean that you are making a lifelong commitment.”

  I turn my face toward his enjoying the feeling of our skin touching. These moments right here are what scare me. Finding comfort in him scares me. “I don’t know what to say to you.”

  “Then don’t say anything. I’m not asking you for anything more then to be around you, babe.” His term of endearment is not lost on me. “Just relax. Let down the walls.”

  That statement breaks the haze around us. I pull away from him. “I don’t want to.”

  “You don’t want to what?”

  “I don’t want to let down my walls. I don’t want to trust you.”

  �
�Why?”

  “Because if I keep you out, then you can’t hurt me.” There I said it.

  He takes a step toward me. “I will never intentionally hurt you.”

  His lips press against mine as his hands reach up and grasp the sides of my head. I try to pull away but he holds me against him. The kiss is slow, sensual, and everything that freaks me the fuck out.

  When he pulls away, his eyes are boring into mine and I can’t look away. “Now all I am asking is to hang out, eat, and watch a movie. Nothing more. Okay?”

  I nod my head, finding it difficult to speak. There is another knock at the door. Now the damn Chinese food comes. Damon answers it and pays for the food. “You didn’t have to do that. I ordered it.”

  He looks at me. “Shut up. Did you order enough food for the entire building?”

  I laugh. “Hey, a girl likes to have options.”

  He shakes his head at me as he puts the bag onto the table. I grab some plates and we fill them with a little bit of everything I ordered. Now that it is all in front of me, I realize that I definitely ordered too much food. I have always been an emotional eater, which is really dangerous. When I’m upset it’s not like I crave a damn salad, I usually want Chinese food, pizza, or an entire tub of ice cream. Stress for me is like a one-way ticket to fat kid city.

  I am so not a formal person so I take my plate into the living room and sit on the floor placing my dish on the coffee table. Not only do I like to watch TV while I eat but I know it drives Lo crazy when I eat in here. We don’t talk much while we eat, he asks me about my classes and I ask him what he did all day.

  Chapter Eighteen

  After we are done eating I aimlessly flip through channels until I see one of my favorite movies of all time, Pitch Perfect. When I realize it just started I am so happy that I actually clap. Damon tugs my arm and pulls me to sit with him on the couch. I am lying against him and his arms are wrapped around me. As much as I try to push him away, this is where I want to be right now.