Shattered Innocence

by Noelle, Alexis

Half way through the movie, Damon leans his head down to whisper in my ear. “I can’t believe I’m actually watching this crap with you.”

  I smile. “Don’t pretend like you aren’t enjoying it.”

  His arms tighten around me. “Well, the chick is kinda hot, so at least there is something to keep my attention.”

  I turn in his arms and land a punch on his chest. He rubs the spot and sticks his bottom lip out in a pout. “Oh, suck it up.”

  We both laugh and I turn my attention back to the TV. I love that we can joke, and have fun with each other. Everything is so easy when we are together, I think that’s one thing that is keeping me away, too. I don’t want to get used to having him around. I get that I can’t just assume everyone will screw me over, but when it’s what you’re used to then it’s a hard habit to break.

  The movie ends but neither of us move. After trying to push him away today, all I want him to do now is stay with me. The fact that it’s Tuesday and I’m going to be going back to work in a few days is freaking me out. How will Damon handle it? How will I handle it? I know I need to talk to him about this in more detail than we did the other day. I don’t want to ruin the way we are right now with something that will cause tension.

  “What’s wrong?”

  I turn my head to look at him. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean your whole body just got tense, and I can tell something is on your mind. What’s up?”

  “I’m nervous for Friday night. I don’t know how I will react when it’s time for me to go on my job. Last time I went on one you freaked out. I just don’t want this to turn into something volatile because of what I do.”

  He is silent for the longest time and I have almost given up on him saying anything. “I can’t tell you that it will be easy, that I will be happy about it, or that I’m not going to get upset. What I can tell you is that I want you in whatever way I can get you. If the only way I can have you right now is working for Tasha on the weekends, then I’ll fucking take it. I’m not gonna lie to you and say it won’t drive me crazy when you’re out, but I will try to deal with it. I want you, Jessie, don’t think that I can’t accept you for who you are. You are an amazing person. I was pulled in from the start with you and I don’t intend to let my pride or jealousy fuck this shit up.”

  I crush my mouth to his needing the connection we share after everything he just told me. The kiss immediately catches fire and both of us are stripping our clothes within minutes. I can tell from the frenzy that we are about to have the most animalistic, rough, hot ass sex that I have ever had in my life.

  Once we are completely undressed, Damon turns me around and immediately drives into me forcing me to hang over the end of the couch, my waist presses against the arm of it. Damon unleashes on me leaving numerous handprints all over my ass, it is so possessive and dominating that even though I feel the sting of his hand, it makes me moan in pleasure. I push back on him and before he can respond, I turn around and pull him down so that he is now hovering over me.

  My hands run up his chest noticing how heavy he is breathing, when I grip his hair and pull his mouth to mine he crashes into me again. I reciprocate his roughness with me earlier by dragging my fingernails down his back knowing I probably left a mark. He doesn’t falter though, keeping his pace and making me scream his name. It has never been like this between us and it seems like there is so much left unsaid between us that we are trying to express in our physical actions.

  I remember what Lo said to me the other night about not being able to fight the way I feel about him. I may not be able to verbally tell Damon the way he makes me feel, but I sure as hell can show him. I push him off of me once again, standing up and straddling his lap before slamming down on him. His hands grasp my hair at its roots pulling my hair back so my chest arches toward him. He takes my nipple into his mouth biting down on it and sending me spiraling into a mind-blowing orgasm.

  I’m still not able to move another inch after coming down from my high, but Damon isn’t done yet and he starts to thrust himself up into me. In this position, he is hitting my g-spot with every single drive and it’s regenerating my need for him. His mouth moves to my other breast and I moan as he attacks it using the same skills he did on the other.

  “Fuck. You are sexy as hell, baby.” He releases my nipple just to let his tongue travel up slowly from between my breasts to the base of my neck. “I want to see you touch yourself. Let me see you play with that beautiful fucking pussy.”

  I’m panting now, and my limbs feel like jelly. “I can’t. Fuck, I think I’m building again.”

  “I know you are.” Damon’s entire body stills and I glance down at him as best I can because he still has a hold on me. “I’m not gonna let you get there until you give me what I want.”

  I take a deep breath and slowly slide my hands down my body until I reach my pussy. I feel so awkward as I begin to rub my clit under his penetrating gaze, until he starts moving again. Having him pushing into me as I am rubbing and pressing down on my already sensitive area has my legs starting to shake.

  “I can feel you, baby. I know you’re close, and once I feel that sexy ass pussy squeezing my dick, I’m gonna fuck you until I come in it.”

  His words set me off and I scream once again. His hands release my hair and I collapse onto his chest. Damon drives into me a few more times until he groans my name. We just sit there and try to catch our breath.

  “That was fucking amazing. I need a damn shower now.”

  I laugh and climb off of him. “I’ll grab our clothes and meet you in there.” He smiles at me, smacking my butt as he gets up and walks into my bedroom. I smile as I pick up all of the clothing thrown around the living room. I hear a giggle as I bend down to pick up Damon’s shirt.

  Shit.

  Lo was home.

  “You heard that didn’t you?”

  Her door opens and she is standing there with the biggest grin on her face. “I didn’t just hear it. I have to say if a guy pulled my hair like that I would totally be into it, too.” I run toward her wanting to kill her, but she shuts her bedroom door.

  “I can’t believe you watched us!” I yell through her door.

  She shouts back, “Maybe if you weren’t so damn horny that you couldn’t make it to the bedroom I wouldn’t have seen anything!”

  I let out a yell of frustration as I stomp away. When I get to my room I throw all of the clothes down and head into the bathroom. I immediately lock Lo’s door for the bathroom so there are no surprises, then I slam mine in frustration. When I step into the shower Damon arches his eyebrow at me. “Don’t ask.”

  “Okayyyyy.” Damon steps to the side making room for me under the shower’s stream. We both get washed off and then shut off the water. “So what was all that about?”

  “Nothing!”

  “She’s just mad cause I saw you guys fucking like rabbits!” Lo yells from the other side of the door. I will end up in jail for her death one day.

  Damon starts to laugh. “It is not funny!”

  “It’s okay, Damon if she starts getting smart with you just pull her hair!”

  That’s it. I wrap the towel around my body, unlock the door, and throw it open. Lo is standing there with the biggest grin on her face.

  Once she sees me her mouth drops once. “Oh shit.” She runs away from me but this time I chase her. I almost catch her but she makes it to the front door and stands in the hallway mocking me. “Come and get me, Jezebel.”

  I want to run after her but I can hear other people out there, rolling around on the floor with Lo in a towel would not go over well with the neighbors. “I’ll fucking get you soon, bitch.”

  She just smiles at me and blows me a kiss. “Can’t wait, ho bag!”

  If it were possible, there would be steam coming out of my ears right now. When I walk into my room and see that Damon is still laughing, I pick up a shoe off of the floor and throw it at him. It makes contact in between his shoulder blades.


  “Fuck!” He turns around and looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. Maybe I have.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Friday has gotten here sooner then I wanted it to. As I slip my dress on, an over whelming feeling of guilt washes over me. I hate this. I wasn’t this girl a few weeks ago. I never liked what I did, and it’s not that I was proud of it, but I sure as hell wasn’t ashamed of it. The drive to the office is nerve-racking because I don’t know how things will be between us.

  When I walk into the office Damon is sitting at the desk. When he looks up at me he smiles, until he realizes why I’m here. His smile fades and I can see the pain on his face. I take a deep breath trying to get a hold of myself. I can do this.

  Damon hands me a piece of paper with the address and stats of my client for the night. He can’t even look me in the eye and I can’t blame him. I walk out of the office without another word. On the drive over to the hotel, a single tear falls from my eye from the knowledge that I’m causing him pain.

  How are we going to do this for months? It’s going to take me at least five more months to pay off my school bills. After that, I don’t care about getting a different job to help with normal expenses. The only thing running through my mind on the elevator ride up to the floor is, will Damon and I make it that long?

  As I knock on the door I try to put on my best face and swallow the lump in my throat. A man in his late thirties opens the door and his eyes devour me as I stand in front of him. This guy’s paid for three orgasms one given by hand, by mouth, and one as he fucks me. I take a deep breath as I step into the room, when he grabs my ass as I walk by, I cringe. Thank God he can’t see my face right now. I need to figure out a way to do this shit. Maybe it will help to picture Damon the whole time. Nope, that will probably make me cry. I need to just keep reciting my reasons for doing this in my head. This is for my future. This is for everything that I have worked for.

  I’ve been doing this shit for years and I’m not willing to give it all up now. This is a temporary situation, with an important end result. He doesn’t seem to notice my distracted mind much as I work him to the brink time after time. The sex was the worst because it was really the only time I had to do something violating with him. Hands, mouth, they can both be cleansed easily. Having him inside of me just feels wrong. I feel dirty. I feel like a whore.

  As soon as I am done with him, I grab my stuff and leave barely making it to the car before I start to cry. I feel like I’m about to be sick. When the car stops in front of the building my stomach drops. I can’t go in there. I can’t face him smelling and tasting like another man, it’s just wrong.

  I make the decision to head straight for my car, I’ll get my money later. All I can think about right now is a scathing hot shower. I need the feel of him off of me, I need his smell to be washed away and to stop being a constant reminder of what I just did.

  When I get home Lo is sitting on the couch. She takes one look at me and shuts the TV off. I raise my hand to tell her not to start and head straight for the bathroom. As I stand under the shower my tears mix with the water while I scrub my indiscretions off.

  “Jess?”

  I don’t answer her.

  “Jess, please talk to me. You have me worried.”

  I shut of the shower and wrap my towel around me before opening the curtain. I walk past Lo and into my bedroom quickly throwing on a pair of pajamas. I turn to see Lo sitting on my bed. She pats the mattress beside her and I lay down on my back with my head near the end of the bed.

  “Damon?”

  I shake my head no. “I had a client tonight, and barely made it through the appointment. All I kept thinking of was how wrong it was. How I would feel if he was fucking someone else. I felt cheap and disgusting. I need to do this, Lo, but I also realized that I need him. I can’t have both, though, and I don’t know what to do.”

  Lo bites her lip like she usually does when she is thinking. “Was all of it bad?” I look at her in confusion. “Was some of it tolerable?”

  “The worst part was the sex. The other stuff wasn’t easy but it didn’t tear me apart.”

  “I have an idea then, just don’t do the sex.”

  “What? Lo how is that even possible?”

  She smiles. “You had told me before some girls had asked you to do threesome appointments with them, right?” I nod my head yes and cringe at the thought. “What if that was all you did? Threesomes where the other girl was the one to get fucked, hand jobs, blowjobs, and your sex ed shit. Would you make enough?”

  I think for a minute. “Maybe. I would have to find someone willing to do that, though.” I smile at her hoping that this works and I can at least get a little bit of my dignity back. My bedroom door opens and Damon is standing there.

  “I’ll leave you two alone.” Lo bends down and gives me a hug. “Love you, girl.”

  “Love you.” Once Lo leaves and it’s just Damon and me everything is silent. I don’t know what to say to him, and I can’t read his face right now.

  “Why didn’t you come back?” He places a white envelope on my dresser as he walks over to the bed. When he sits he doesn’t make a move to touch me and it hurts.

  “I couldn’t face you. I was ashamed of myself, and what I had been doing. I needed to come back here and shower. Tonight was harder than my interview when I hadn’t even been introduced to this life. I can’t do that again.”

  He smiles at me. “So you’re going to quit.” I shake my head no and his smile drops. “I’m not going to walk away from you if that is your solution.”

  “It isn’t.” I tell him the idea Lo thought of and he agrees that it might work. It is still going to be tough on us, but I think this will definitely be better than tonight was. Damon lies down on my bed and I turn so that I’m next to him. His arms encircle me and we just lay there, neither of us needing to say a word. We fall asleep in each other’s arms, and as I drift off the only thought in my mind is that I’m in deep with this man. All I can do now is hope that he is just as invested in me.

  When we wake up in the morning I feel rested. I never sleep as well as I do when Damon is with me. I turn my head to him, he opens his eyes, and smiles at me. “Hey, gorgeous.”

  I laugh. “You have any plans today?”

  He shakes his head. “Just spending time with my girl.” We stay in bed most of the morning and only get up when we’re so hungry our stomachs are louder than our voices. Lo is in the kitchen making mac and cheese, when she sees us sit down she dumps a second box of macaroni in the water.”

  “So sexy people, what’s going on?” Damon starts laughing and I just shake my head at my crazy best friend. “Oh Jess, my mom wanted me to ask you if you are coming home for Thanksgiving again this year.”

  I bite my lip not knowing what to say. Damon and I haven’t discussed this topic and when I peek over at him he looks like a deer in headlights. “Um, I haven’t really thought about it.”

  Of course Lo being Lo, she pushes the issue. “Damon, what are you doing for the holiday?” I cringe but wait on the edge of my seat for his response.

  “I usually go to my mom’s.” That’s all he says.

  Lo raises her eyebrows at me, and I shake my head no to her. “You should totally take my girl here home with you, she will charm the shit out of your family.”

  I hear him take in a sharp breath. “Um, yeah we can…uh talk about it later.” He stands up from the table, clearly flustered. “I just forgot, I need to run and take care of a few things.” He bends down and gives me a quick kiss.

  “I though you said— ”

  “I know, I forgot. I’ll call you later, babe.”

  He is out of the door before I can respond. I look back at Lo and she seems shocked. I don’t know what to do, or what to say. He obviously doesn’t want any of his family to know he is with me. As the realization washes over me, I put my head down and try to hold back the tears of knowing he is embarrassed by me.

  “Lo, what am I supposed
to do?” I look up at her looking for some sort of guidance.

  “Babes, this is one time I don’t have an answer for you. I’m sorry.” She walks over to me and puts her arm around my shoulder. “Maybe he just isn’t ready, Jess.” When I look at her she shrugs and I can tell she is just trying to make me feel better.

  Being ashamed of yourself is one thing. It’s a whole different level of hurt when the person that you want to be with is ashamed of you. It just doesn’t make sense he says how amazing I am, but not enough to meet his family? I don’t even think I would care if he didn’t avoid the topic like it was a disease.

  I walk into my room needing to be alone so I can sort out my thoughts. I’ve known Damon for about two months, I don’t know what I should expect from him. Is it that bad that he doesn’t want to do the whole family thing? I don’t have a family worth anything so I really don’t understand the protectiveness that he might feel. Maybe he doesn’t want me to meet them until he is sure that we will work out. Maybe I misunderstood his feelings the other night, I honestly thought he was trying to tell me that he loved me. That’s crazy, love isn’t possible in the amount of time that we have known each other.

  Damon texts me that he is going to work out the new arrangement that we talked about and not to come in tonight. He isn’t really around much the next couple days and it is starting to worry me. By the time that Monday rolls around I can’t wait for my classes, if only for the distraction that they provide.

  My first class is Philosophy and it is definitely one of my favorites, at least it was until I walked in and saw today’s topic written on the board. Love. Just great. The professor comes in and sits on his desk, he is probably only a few years older than me and is completely down to earth. Once it’s time for class to start he asks one single question, “What is love?”

  The class all turns to look at each other, not knowing what type of an answer he is looking for.

  “Okay, let me clarify, what is love to you? When you hear that word what do you think of?”

  Everyone takes a shot at his question some scientific answers about pheromones, some ridiculous childish answers about cooties and others who were still lost. His gaze lands on me and I want to have the ability to become invisible. “Jessie, any thoughts? Something we haven’t heard?”