From The Moment I Saw Him ....

by MacDonald, Catherine

  The picture I had formed in his garden all those months ago had been pretty accurate, then. I waited for him to go on.

  “When I got back, I was feeling - I don’t know, rebellious, I wanted to be on my own for a while. So when you left me that message, I didn’t ring you back. And then, as time went on, I felt ashamed because I hadn’t rung you. Then, somehow, it was impossible to ring you.”

  He gave me one of his dark looks, but I thought I read regret in his eyes.

  “I told myself that I’d contact you when time had gone on, when we were both at Oxford. But I saw you in town just before first year, and you were with your new boyfriend, so I thought perhaps it would be fairer to you to let things lie ....... and later on, those months with you began to seem like a dream.”

  I was puzzled by the boyfriend allusion until I remembered the presence of Sandy.

  “We were both so young. Too young to deal with all the emotional stuff. I did feel guilty for persuading you to sleep with me, you were such a baby, but so gorgeous, I just couldn’t resist you...... you still are.”

  His face broke into that devastating smile, and he caressed me with a long, smouldering, desiring glance.

  I nearly fell off my chair. I could deal with a penitent Nick, but not with a sexy, confident one, it was too much like old times. He leaned eagerly towards me, and I don’t know what might have happened, had not Jo come breezing in.

  “Hi, Eithne, can I borrow your Robinson Chaucer - oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had a visitor.”

  She stopped short. Nick rose to his feet, and I introduced them.

  “Lovely to meet you, Jo,” said Nick, bestowing another flashing beam upon her. I was amused to see her blink and react like everyone did to the full impact of his regard.

  I got up to get the book.

  ”Here it is, but I need it back for Friday, please.”

  “No problems - see you at lunchtime - bye, Nick.”

  She went out, making frantic faces at me behind Nick’s back. Thank goodness she had interrupted us when she did. I felt it was time to curtail the interview, before I did or said something I would regret.

  “What do you want, Nick? My forgiveness? I don’t know if that’s possible. Yes, we were both young, but you were a million times more experienced than I was. You should have been more careful about my feelings instead of concentrating on satisfying yours all the time. I don’t think I can ever forgive you for just walking away without a word. That was a cruel thing to do.”

  We stood facing one another. His face looked bleak. Was it regret, shame, or the painful remembrance of better days? He reached out and took my hand. For a moment, I thought he was going to try to kiss me, and I backed away.

  “No. No, I’m not going down that route again, Nick. It took me too long to get over you before. I won’t take the risk.”

  “People change you know. Circumstances change too, we’ve both grown up a lot since then,” he murmured, giving me the smouldering treatment once more.

  “I think that’s debatable.”

  I looked away, I didn’t want to find myself responding to the appeal in his eyes.

  “It’s obvious that we won’t be able to avoid each other during the next few weeks, so I suggest we get by with the minimum of fuss,” I said. “I won’t cold-shoulder you, but neither do I want to be mates. Do you think you can manage that?”

  He sighed.

  “Okay, I’ll try. Please don’t shut me out entirely. It’s been a real shock seeing you again.”

  “My heart’s bleeding.”

  I tried to make my tone as sarcastic as possible as I opened the door for him. What did he think it was like for me?

  He hesitated on the threshold.

  “Don’t you ever think about the old days?” he asked quietly. “We had some wonderful times.”

  He grasped my shoulder, and buried his face in my hair. Emergency bells rang in my head.

  “Nick. Go.”

  I pushed him away and shut the door.

  Chapter 13

  Jo and I debated the impact of Nick’s visit over lunch later on. It was a particularly dull meal of stew and rice pudding, redolent of school days, which, combined with seeing Nick, made me feel as though I had somehow travelled back in time. This only increased my feelings of unease.

  “He certainly has charm, and he’s really handsome,” conceded Jo, putting down her spoon. “I can see why you fell for him. Do you think he wants you to get back together?”

  “I’m not sure. I think he’s piqued that I’ve been so cool towards him. He’s always been used to me falling in with whatever he wants.”

  “What did you make of his explanation about why he dumped you?”

  “It sounded credible. I suppose I can see how things kind of overtook him. But it doesn’t mean that he behaved any the less badly, does it?”

  The rice was burnt round the edges, it was definitely not one of the kitchen’s better days. I couldn’t finish mine.

  “It’s funny. Nick was such a big fish in a small pool at home,” I reflected. “He’s still a big fish I think, but Oxford is like an ocean, with lots of other fish in the water, in competition with each other. I don’t suppose he likes that.”

  “Well, have you ever thought that you are a bigger and tastier fish now, Eithne?”

  I was getting a bit swamped with all these piscine allusions.

  “I’ll just have to swim faster,” I concluded.

  “That depends on whether you want to be caught or not.”

  I wasn’t sure what I wanted. It was satisfying to feel that Nick was interested in me again, but I didn’t trust him at all. Worse, I really didn’t trust myself.

  “You still fancy him, don’t you?” Jo asked, as we rose to leave.

  I hesitated, remembering the morning and the sudden rush of feeling I had experienced.

  “Yes, I’m afraid I do,” I said slowly. “He got under my skin right from the beginning, and in some ways, he’s still there. I think I’ll need to fall properly for someone else to get away from him. It would be so easy to climb back into bed with him, but he’d probably get bored after a month or two and I’d be back where I started. I couldn’t face that.”

  “It’s going to be difficult for you, then.”

  It was difficult.

  When I turned up for my first rehearsal a few days later, Nick was sitting next to Ben in front of the stage. I was surprised, because Nick didn’t have an acting role, he was doing the press and publicity for the production, and I didn’t see why his presence was necessary. He and Ben were deep in conversation, but they both looked up and said “Hi” as I sidled in. I was nervous, although I didn’t have much to do in the scenes we were about to play. I wished very much that Nick wasn’t there.

  Then, in complete contrast, Suzy swanned in, with an air of self-importance. She was already a member of OUDS, the Oxford University Dramatic Society, and obviously felt she was a real actress. Well, compared to me, she was.

  I was intrigued to see that she was dismissive of Ben’s appreciative greeting. She sat herself down next to Nick, engaging him in animated conversation, tossing her blonde hair and putting her hand on his arm from time to time.

  Not so long ago, I would have been furiously jealous. I took a deep breath, and studied my lines, not that there were so very many to remember.

  Adam, another cast member, came up, and asked me some questions about my acting experience. He was funny and sweet, and his nonsense soon made me feel less nervous. I saw Nick look across at us laughing together, with that brooding, dark gaze of his.

  Hmmm. I thought I could see some interesting times ahead. We were all on a kind of merry-go-round and maybe some of us wouldn’t be finishing the ride.

  Ben was an excellent director, quick and perceptive, and I soon grew absorbed in how he was shaping the scene. The pantomime was set in the City, with more than a dash of Carnaby Street added in. Suzy played the principal girl, Eleanor was the principal
boy, as was customary in panto tradition, although I didn’t think she would be wearing tights - the principal boy in this panto being the lead singer of an aspiring rock band. Eleanor had an amazing voice, deep and throaty, and this, combined with her dramatically short haircut, made her appear like a very handsome and sexy youth.

  My role was that of assistant to the villain, a city financier who was out to wreck the band’s hopes and do a spot of double crossing along the way. I got to do a bit of double crossing too, and my assistance helped the plot to its final outrageous resolution. Today’s scene featured Suzy trying to avoid the financier’s advances, and me eavesdropping at the end, and realising that he was planning to thwart the path of true love. Finally, by way of a light diversion, I had a rather sweet passage of dialogue with Adam, playing a messenger, who sang a catchy love song to me.

  I grew so absorbed as the scene progressed, that I forgot about Nick, and almost missed my cue. Ben explained to me that my character should appear outwardly subservient, but I should make it obvious to the audience that I had a mind of my own. It wasn’t easy at first, but the other actors were a big help. The financier was played by an experienced third year OUDS member, Trevor. I was in awe of him, but he was terrific on stage, and I think we all raised our game when he was acting with us.

  We ran through the scene four or five times. Adam came in at the end, and after our light dialogue, he sang his little song. He made it tender and funny, and as a result, I think my responses were quite natural. To finish, he kissed me quickly on the cheek. I was taken by surprise, and put my hand to my face where he had kissed me.

  “That’s great, Eithne. Keep that in,” said Ben.

  I felt pleased with the way things had gone. At least, I hadn’t made a fool of myself, and I felt I was going to enjoy rehearsals.

  It was late October, and a stiff breeze was blowing when I came out of the hall. The pavement was strewn with leaves, and I remembered how I used to love to scuff my feet through them as a child. Smiling to myself, I inserted a boot clad toe into the nearest pile, then jumped as someone said over my shoulder,

  “Aren’t you a bit old for that?”

  Nick stood there, regarding me with a quizzical look. He was hunched up in his dark jacket, looking very windswept and handsome, and I felt my heart flip over at the sight of him.

  “No - I still love kicking up the leaves,” I replied defiantly.

  He reached out, and touched my arm, entreaty in his dark eyes.

  “Will you come and have tea with me, Eithne?”

  “What, in your room?”

  “Well, it’s just round the corner. Please do. We can’t keep pretending we’re strangers.”

  “I’m not pretending anything, Nick, but I think it’s better if I don’t,” I said.

  “What do I have to do to show you how sorry I am for the way I behaved?”

  I stared at the leaves, damp and curling at the edges on the wet pavement. They reminded me how quickly good times can turn to bad.

  “I accept that you’re sorry,” I said. “That doesn’t mean that I can forgive the way you acted. What I don’t understand is what you want to happen now.”

  “I can’t stop thinking about you, Eithne. I feel we should be together. I want you,” he said bluntly. “Can’t we try again?”

  There was a keen edge to the wind, and I was beginning to feel chilly standing there. I debated whether to accept his invitation, but I wanted to hear more before deciding.

  “Let’s walk a bit,” I temporised.

  We began to move towards St Giles’. He reached for my hand.

  “Do you remember going to see the ducks?” he murmured in my ear.

  The feel of his hand was as familiar to me as my own. His skin was smooth, cool and soft, and my pulse quickened. It was strange to feel his dark head so close to mine again.

  “I remember you were very rude,” I said. “Come to think of it, Nick, in many ways, you were a terrible boyfriend.”

  “What? That’s so untrue, you must admit you were the most envied girl at Beresford High when you were going out with me.”

  Nick looked really disconcerted, he almost dropped my hand.

  “But our relationship was all about what you wanted,” I pointed out. “Sex after school before your mother got home. Weekends.......I hated those interminable parties, you used to abandon me and go off and get stoned with your mates all the time. I should have been far tougher with you, you’re too used to getting your own way.”

  “I don’t remember you objecting to the sex part.”

  He looked at me reproachfully.

  “I was in love with you,” I said.

  We crossed the road to where the grey stone fingers of the Martyrs’ Memorial stretched towards the sky. Traffic was building up, the early evening rush hour crowding the narrow streets. I dropped his hand and sat down for a moment on the steps. I wanted to think.

  “And how would things be different now?” I asked him.

  “Well - I accept I could be pretty selfish in those days.”

  He stood over me, his brown eyes reflective, remembering.

  “I knew that you were so trusting and innocent that you would let me get away with - with stuff. You’re right, you should have been tougher with me.”

  “So now it’s my fault.”

  He sat down next to me.

  “I want to draw a line under it, and begin again,” he said softly. “We’re in a different place, we don’t have so many constraints. We’ve both grown up. I’ve realised what you really meant to me, Eithne. Don’t you feel anything for me anymore?”

  He put his arms round me, and it felt like coming home. Against my better judgment, I leaned against him, drinking in his familiar smell and the warmth of his embrace. I so much wanted to believe him.

  His lips moved across my cheek, and then he gently fastened his mouth upon mine.

  I had forgotten what a wonderful kisser he was - or, more accurately, had expunged it from my memory over many painful months. Now I was being reminded of it in a way that almost stopped my heart from beating.

  “Can’t you find a more comfortable place for that?”

  Ben Meredith was standing over us, a look of amusement on his freckled face. We broke apart, and must have looked guilty, because he started to laugh.

  “You’ll probably get slapped with a fine for desecrating an ancient monument if you carry on kissing her there. Eithne, I should demand to be kissed somewhere warmer and a bit less public. I don’t want one of my valued cast members catching her death of cold.”

  Nick jumped up, and pulled me to my feet.

  “You’re quite right - but she seems very resistant to the idea of coming to my room,” he complained, with a grin.

  “Self-preservation, I expect. Would I be right in thinking you two have some history between you?”

  Ben seemed to be making calculations as he continued to regard us.

  “You would,” Nick agreed.

  I had blushed like an idiot when Ben came across us. My hair was blowing madly in the breeze, and I tried to push it back from my face. He smiled at my confusion.

  “I must say, Eithne, whatever he does for you, it makes you look very pretty. Make sure he kisses you before you go on stage when the performances start.”

  “Perhaps you could make that a stage direction,” suggested Nick, giving me a sideways glance.

  “Well, I must get on. See you next week, Eithne darling.”

  We watched him stride away. Nick put an arm round my shoulders.

  “Now everyone will know. Ben’s the biggest gossip out.”

  He seemed pleased at the thought. I wondered how it might affect certain dynamics amongst the panto crew and cast.

  “I was beginning to think that Suzy had a yen for you,” I said. “I saw how she was looking at you today.”

  Nick shrugged, and a little self-satisfied smile crossed his lips.

  “Oh, Eithne - girls look at me like that all the time
.”

  I turned my head away, half amused, half annoyed at this response. The old Nick was never far from the surface, it seemed. It helped me make up my mind.

  “So are you coming back for tea, or not?”

  I hesitated. Tea wouldn’t be just tea, if he started to kiss me like he had just now. I was afraid I would be in bed with him in no time at all.

  “No, sorry. If you’re serious about starting again, we’d have to take things very slowly, see if you can be a proper boyfriend, for a change. I’m going to the cinema tomorrow night with Jo and William. They want to see Z. Perhaps you’d like to make up a foursome?”

  “I’ve seen it already,” he said; he sounded relieved.

  “No problem. I’ll ask William to bring a friend along for me then.”

  I straightened my coat and reached for my bag. He put his arms round me again, and began to kiss my neck and collarbone in a very sensual way, almost as if he wanted to take bites out of me, and it made me gasp.

  “Nick - please - it is a bit public here.”

  A woman hurrying past gave us a disapproving stare, and I freed myself from his arms. I was disappointed that he would not come to see the film with me, but he said,

  “What time at the cinema, then?”

  “Meet you outside at about seven fifteen. It’s on at the Regal, you don’t have to go very far.”

  We stood looking at one another, while the cars inched past and the evening air darkened around us. There was a lot I would have liked to ask him, but it didn’t seem the time or the place, nor did I think I would know how to frame the questions.

  “Well. See you tomorrow then,” I said, at length.

  “Okay.”

  He took my hand, and raised it to his lips in a formal gesture. For a minute I was back in the school hall surrounded by sweaty teenagers.

  “Sooner or later, you’ll admit that you want me too,” he said quietly, then he turned and walked back towards the college buildings.

  I was glad that I had a lecture and a tutorial the following day, because it stopped me thinking too much about the possibility of starting over with Nick. Jo had been sceptical when I told her about the projected double date, but contented herself with advising me not to expect too much.