From The Moment I Saw Him ....

by MacDonald, Catherine

  I dressed with some care in a new frock with big buttons down the front, and made sure my hair was newly washed and bouncy. When Jo and I arrived at the cinema, Nick was already there, looking elegant in a dark blue jacket, and a hint of stubble which suited him. He and William had already introduced themselves, and were chatting like old friends. I noted that Nick had not lost his facility for charming all and sundry.

  Nick kissed me on the cheek, and we went inside. It seemed very strange to be out on a date with him, and I half wished I was back in my room in college. Then he took my hand in his, and I was glad we were there together, especially as the film was harrowing in places, and I felt quite drained when we emerged, blinking, into the night. William said to Nick,

  “Shall we take the girls back?” and hailed a taxi, so we were soon in St Margaret’s Road again.

  “I’ll knock on Eithne’s door for you about 11.30, Nick, and we can walk back together,” William said.

  It was almost ten o’clock. There had recently been a revolution within college, in that men were allowed to visit until midnight. Previously, they had to leave the premises at ten. A rebellion by the students had forced through the change when, on one particular night, we had all kept a male visitor in until 12, and the men all streamed out together. It was impossible for everyone to be disciplined, and so the dons of the Senior Common Room, who governed St Hugh’s, had reluctantly given way.

  I was taken aback by the prospect of entertaining Nick for an hour or so. I had assumed we might go for a drink in town before going our separate ways, but William and Jo obviously wanted to spend some time alone together.

  “I won’t mind if you have to get back now,” I murmured, as we stood by the college front doors.

  “No, I’d like a coffee,” Nick replied.

  We walked hand in hand like a staid old couple through the empty corridors. People were watching television in the JCR, and we passed the odd girl clutching books and papers on her way from the library, but everything seemed very quiet.

  I unlocked my door, and we went in. Nick examined the pictures and cards I had on the notice board above my desk, while I filled the kettle.

  “Girls’ rooms always have the most wonderful variety of things on the walls,” he observed.

  “Been in quite a few, then, Nick?”

  “Well - one or two,” he said evasively, not appearing to wish to pursue this topic. “Who’s John?”

  “A very dear friend from last summer. He’s in America now.”

  I made coffee, and we sat in slightly awkward silence for a few minutes, him on the bed, and me on the chair by my desk. He seemed to be far away, as if thinking hard.

  “I’m sorry, Eithne. This isn’t going to work.”

  He stood up and put his mug on the coffee table.

  “I can’t behave with you as if you’re just some girl I’m meeting for the first time, it’s impossible. If you’re not able to reciprocate my feelings, then we might as well go our separate ways. It’s too hard, otherwise.”

  My eyes filled with tears.

  “Too hard - that’s what you said in your garden, the time I came to tea before A levels. I knew you weren’t serious about this.”

  “Not serious…. is that what you think?”

  He pulled me into his arms, and began to kiss me with passion and urgency, and my body responded in a way which I could no longer suppress. I didn’t want to suppress it. I thought of all the boys I had met last year, whose physical proximity had left me unmoved. Why should I deny myself the one I really wanted?

  The button front dress was swiftly unbuttoned, he slid my bra straps down with a practised hand, and by the time his mouth sought my breasts, I was as eager as he could want to reciprocate his feelings. His body was lean and beautiful, his skin smooth, and his touch a sensuous delight. Making love with him was every bit as wonderful as I remembered, and then some more.

  Afterwards, we lay in a sort of dreamy daze. The bed was too small to be really comfortable, and after a while, he got up to look for his cigarettes.

  “Sorry, sweetheart - please say you don’t mind if I have a ciggie.”

  I slipped on my dressing gown, feeling slightly shy in front of him despite my earlier enthusiastic participation. Now I went to sit on his lap. I wanted to kiss him in all the places I remembered so well, his neck, his shoulder, and the clean lines of his jaw. I was gloriously happy.

  He turned, and burrowed his face into my neck and hair.

  “Thank goodness - now we can get on with being us again,” he murmured. “Why on earth did you give me all this stuff about keeping me at a distance? You seemed pretty keen to get close just then.”

  I kissed the top of his dark head.

  “I never could resist you, that’s the problem. But Nick - I am serious about one thing. I won’t let you walk all over me like you did at Beresford. The first hint of bad behaviour, and I’m off. I haven’t found it difficult to attract boys here, and I don’t intend to put up with second best.”

  I omitted to say that they had all seemed pretty dull compared to him, with the exception of John, of course, and he wasn’t available. Nick looked taken aback, but I wanted to make sure he knew that I wasn’t just falling into his arms without some thought about how our relationship might progress.

  He kissed me again.

  “I don’t want to walk all over you. It’ll be different this time.”

  We sat entwined, savouring the delight of being close and in harmony together after such a long time apart. After a while, Nick glanced at his watch.

  “Fuck, it’s 11.15. I’d better get my clothes on before William comes.”

  Very gently, he pushed me off his lap, and began to dress. I put my nightie on under my dressing gown, no point in pretending we’d merely been making polite chit-chat. When he put his jacket on, I snuggled into his arms for a final kiss.

  “Shall I book you into Hall at Balliol for dinner with me tomorrow night?” Nick asked. “Afterwards....... well, my bed’s much bigger and more comfortable. I think you should come and see for yourself just how much better men’s colleges are.”

  “Yes, I think I really should do that.”

  Then William knocked on the door, and they went off into the night together.

  I was left to wonder what I would say to my friends by way of explanation. My resolution to keep Nick at arm’s length had only lasted a few days. But I felt so ecstatic, I couldn’t be sorry for that now.

  Chapter 14

  Despite my first misgivings, a very happy time began for us.

  We saw each other almost every day for a while - not always for long periods, but enough to make us feel close. I think we both needed a certain reassurance from the other that this new phase of our relationship was going to work.

  I had to agree that the food and atmosphere were indeed superior in a man’s college, and the beds a lot more accommodating.

  He met my friends. It didn’t take long for them to succumb to the famous charm, which he still had by the bucket load, and they were soon half in love with him themselves.

  I met his friends. I really liked doing this. At Beresford, he had been part of a tight coterie which only tolerated girlfriends on the outside. Here, we were drawn into proper friendships which helped to cement our own relationship.

  Word quickly got round the panto cast and crew that we were an item, and I had to endure some sarky teasing, but rehearsals were easier because Nick didn’t feel the need to hang round any more. If Suzy was disappointed, she concealed it well. She had dozens of admirers in any case.

  We enjoyed a lot of terrific sex. It was wonderful not to have to worry about parental discovery and retribution, but it took me a while not to leap automatically out of bed and start dressing when we had finished. We had never been able to indulge in pillow talk before, and it was very sweet to do so now. The only thing we could not do was spend the night with each other. Being caught with an undergraduate of the opposite sex in your room
overnight meant instant dismissal from the university for both parties, and it was too risky to contemplate.

  “I’ll be living out next year, and then we can do as we please,” Nick pointed out. I did hope that we might still be together then, but refused to speculate on the future.

  Because of his links with Cherwell, Nick was able to arrange some excellent publicity for the pantomime. We had a costume rehearsal before the official dress rehearsal, and someone took a great picture of me, Suzy and Eleanor which got a splash on the front page. I didn’t always like myself in photos, but I looked really nice in this one. In the play, I wore a plain black mini dress with sheer tights and stiletto heels, and it did look striking with my pale hair. I was certainly aware that the boys all liked the look.

  After some deliberation, I wrote to my parents and to Deidre to tell them I was seeing Nick again. I don’t think any of them were very pleased at this news, but there wasn’t a lot they could do about it. However, I did extract a promise from my mother that there would be no recriminations for Nick if they met over the Christmas vacation. We were both due to spend Christmas at Beresford, so this was inevitable. I hoped she would understand how very happy I was.

  The pantomime was scheduled for performance during the last full week of term, on three consecutive nights. I was very nervous before the first time. Nick came backstage to kiss me before my first scene, explaining that this was to ensure I looked at my best, as requested by none other than the director.

  Although my voice seemed wobbly to begin with, I gained confidence from the competent acting of Trevor and Suzy. The pace picked up, and we got some laughs, which made all the difference. By the time Adam had sung his little song to me, I could feel the audience were interested and amused. We got a round of applause, and although I knew it was more for Adam’s singing than anything I had done, it felt amazing.

  The cast were triumphant at the final curtain, everything had gone so well.

  “It’s a shame I can’t review it,” Nick said. “But I know the guy who will, so a bit of bribery may not go amiss.”

  “”Does it need bribery? I thought it was good?” I replied.

  “It was pretty good,” he allowed. “But sometimes a little nudge in the right direction helps.”

  Apparently, the Cherwell reviewer was due to attend the final performance. Nick explained to me that it was important for Ben to get a really positive write up, in order to boost his chances of directing the Spring OUDS production, which was to be held in the Playhouse, the University theatre. I liked Ben, and hoped he would get what he wanted.

  “I’ve asked Simon Williamson to the after show party,” I heard Nick saying to Ben, referring to the undergraduate who would be writing the review. “Not that I think you’ll need any help, but he was pleased to be asked.”

  All too soon, it was the last night. I felt both sad and yet relieved - the show had involved a lot of work, and I was ready for a rest. However, it was a thrill to be presented with a small bouquet, along with the leading actors, at our final curtain call. The audience had been noisily responsive, and I felt sure Ben would get the praise he deserved.

  We held the after show party in the hall, once the chairs had been stacked away. There was a fair amount of booze, and the backstage boys had rigged up an impromptu disco. I decided I would stay in my demure mini dress and high heeled shoes, as I knew I looked good in them.

  It was a bit of a crush to begin with, and I couldn’t find Nick anywhere. I drank some wine, and chatted for a while with Adam and some of the other actors. It occurred to me that somewhere, there would be drugs in circulation, and I did hope that Nick wouldn’t be indulging. He found it impossible to resist smoking dope, as it had been so prevalent at St Peter’s, and he didn’t appear to be able to drop the habit.

  The music started. A voice said in my ear “May I have the pleasure of this dance?” and I turned to see a tall, good-looking man gazing at me in a very appreciative way.

  I hesitated, then thought why not? There was still no sign of Nick, and he could hardly object anyhow.

  A slow record was playing. The man took my hand, and we began to dance.

  “My name’s Simon - Simon Williamson,” he said, looking down at me. He had very blue eyes, and fair curly hair growing down over his collar. “And I know that you are the delightful Cara -” (my stage name) “- or may I call you Eithne?”

  “Please do,” I said. So this was the guy from Cherwell. I wondered what I could do to help Ben’s cause.

  “Did you enjoy the play?” I asked, smiling.

  “Yes. I thought there were some excellent scenes. It didn’t quite come together for me in the rock band part, but overall, it was an entertaining evening. Have you done much acting before?”

  He was gazing at me with a very intent look, and I felt a twinge of disquiet.

  “No not much. I’m sure that was evident,” I said.

  He laughed.

  “Are you fishing for compliments? Actually, you have the makings of a nice little comedienne. Your timing is good, and that’s a talent worth having.”

  “Oh, good,” I murmured. He was holding me rather closer than was warranted, and I began to think this might be a problem.

  The music stopped.

  “Another?”

  Why had I never met attractive men like this when I was unattached?

  Ben was dancing with Eleanor, and he winked at me as he passed us. I gave a faint grimace in return. I was fighting off rising feelings of discomfort.

  Simon Williamson continued to regard me with pleasure.

  “You have very beautiful hair, Eithne,” he murmured, and he actually brushed a curl back from my face with his fingers. “Perhaps you would have dinner with me sometime?”

  “Well - I’m flattered, Simon. But I’m afraid I do have a steady boyfriend,” I said in a vaguely reproving tone.

  “What a pity. But you must let me give you my staircase number - I’m at Wadham - in case you ever want some different company.”

  He looked at me searchingly, and smiled. From the corner of my eye, I saw a dark haired figure join the fringes of the crowd, and stand there, watching. I prayed for the music to stop before Simon did anything else.

  Finally, it did. I moved away, murmuring a thank you, and Nick materialised at my shoulder.

  “Simon, good to see you,” he said loudly. “I see you’ve already met my girlfriend.”

  “Ah - you’re the lucky man.”

  Simon gave me a swift, somewhat calculating glance. “Well, if it had been anyone else, I’d have ravished her away, but seeing as it’s you, I guess I’d better give her back.”

  He kissed my hand.

  “Thank you for dancing with me, Eithne.”

  I nodded and smiled, as he moved away into the crowd. Nick took me into his arms in a possessive way as the music began again.

  “Wow - you’ve got a rival in the Mr Smooth stakes!” I exclaimed. Nick looked faintly put out.

  “You certainly seemed to be lapping it up,” he observed.

  “Well, I couldn’t really refuse to dance with him. Where were you, anyway?”

  “Just sharing a joint with a few of the guys.”

  He nibbled gently at my neck.

  “I wish there was somewhere we could go.....” he muttered.

  “We’re supposed to be here at the party, Nick. It’s too late to go back to Balliol now, anyway.”

  “Mmmm.”

  He kissed me.

  “Promise me you’ll come down first thing tomorrow, then,” he murmured.

  We stayed entwined on the dance floor for a while, then went to have a drink with the others. The party was beginning to wind down. Everyone was tired after the efforts of the week. I was just looking for Janet, another St Hugh’s girl who had been involved in the production - we had agreed to share a taxi back - when Ben appeared and claimed me for a final dance.

  “Thank you for trying to vamp Simon Williamson,” he said. “You were d
oing splendidly until Nick came along. I hope I’ll still get a good notice, despite Nick’s interference.”

  I laughed.

  “You don’t need any assistance from me, Ben. I really enjoyed doing the show, thanks for all your help.”

  “It’s been a pleasure.”

  He smiled down at me. “You really came on a lot, you know, you worked hard to get things right, and I appreciate that.”

  “Simon said I had good timing - that was nice,” I reflected.

  “He’s right. Do you think you’ll act again next term?”

  “Mmmm, not sure. I’ve skimped my academic work recently so I might concentrate on that for a while. I like the summer plays though, perhaps I’ll try for one of those.”

  “I’ll let you know if I think you’re right for anything I’m doing,” he said.

  People were beginning to drift away. I saw Simon Williamson putting on his coat. He was talking to Nick and gesticulating about some topic which clearly interested them both. Ben noticed me look across.

  “You’re very good for Nick, you know.”

  “Oh, dear - that sounds a bit boring,” I replied, laughing.

  “No, it’s not. I mean he needs some kind of focus to stop him racketing round. You both seem very happy. I hope things work out for you this time, Eithne.”

  The music stopped. To my surprise, he kissed me gently on the lips.

  “Happy Christmas, Eithne,” he said, then walked away.

  I re-joined Nick by the drinks table.

  “You’re really reeling them in tonight,” he observed, but he smiled as he spoke, and I thought that these little reminders that others might fancy me too were probably no bad thing.

  Janet waved to me across the room, indicating that the taxi was imminent. I turned to say goodnight to my boyfriend.

  “Are you going to be carrying on with the dope smokers tonight?” I asked bluntly. “If so, there’s no point in my coming down too early tomorrow, you won’t have surfaced.”

  “Well, perhaps not too early, then. But it would be nice if you were there to wake me up,” he said with a grin.