Holly Farb and the Princess of the Galaxy

by Gareth Wronski

  Holly gasped. Jalya frowned, but said nothing.

  “AsTRO,” said Holly, “that’s extremely rude.”

  “Fact: Reprogramming robots is a monstrous crime.” The robot whirred. “Fact: How would humans like it if a robot reprogrammed them?”

  Holly crossed her arms. “That isn’t a fact.”

  “Fact: Yes it is.”

  They sat in awkward silence. Holly had about a million questions, but she didn’t want to bother Jalya. For the first time since Chester had turned into human laundry, Holly was struck by the fact that Jalya was not only royalty, but . . . galactic royalty. With palaces, empires, and . . . galactic palaces in galactic empires. Holly glanced at the ground, afraid to make eye contact.

  As she sat there, she was also struck by the fact that she didn’t dislike Jalya like she had Chester.

  Jalya also seemed unable to look at Holly. Instead she was gazing at the little robot. “Where are you from, AsTRO?” she said.

  “Yes,” agreed Holly, glad to change the subject. “Tell us your story.”

  AsTRO turned in a circle. “Fact: I am an encyclobot manufactured by Quantor Industries. I do not have a story to tell because I am a fact-based logic robot, not a lie-spewing irrational robot.”

  Jalya knelt in front of him. “Don’t you ever wish to do something other than spew facts?”

  AsTRO’s fan whirred for a moment too long. “Fact: My programming does not allow me to spew anything other than facts.”

  “What about spewing facts and doing something else? Sound interesting?”

  “Fact: No.”

  “So you never feel like doing something else?”

  “Fact: I do not feel. Feelings are lies, and I cannot lie, therefore I cannot feel. Fact: Feelings are the product of gibbering life-forms who cannot see the true value in a fact-based objective existence built on logic and data. Fact: Logic is superior in every capacity to illogic. Gibbering life-forms may not be familiar with the pleasure of logic and therefore may find it unusual or even frightening.”

  Holly and Jalya exchanged glances. “So that’s a no?” said Holly.

  “Fact: No.” AsTRO beeped and shuffled away toward Mr. Mendez and Toshiro.

  Holly and Jalya sat together in the ship. Jalya continued watching AsTRO. “I think,” she said slowly, “that my father’s mistake was trying to force robots to do something else. I think”—she hesitated—“a more effective method would have been to allow robots to reprogram themselves. If they wanted to, I mean.”

  Holly nodded. “That does sound better. But is it possible?”

  Jalya smiled and her cheeks glowed faintly. “I think anything’s possible. If you really want it to be.”

  * * *

  Sometime later Holly awoke in a strange place. Her glasses were askew and pinching the bridge of her nose. She blinked, her eyes adjusting to the darkness. She was curled up in a chair, obviously having fallen asleep. Jalya was sleeping next to her, sitting straight up. Mr. Mendez was snoring on the floor, his arm around AsTRO.

  As Holly stretched, her feet hit the floor, and a surge of cold made her realize the soles of her shoes had completely worn through. She couldn’t remember how that had happened. Was it from the pirates’ laser cannons? Or maybe something corrosive in the stomach of the worm? She took them off and placed them under the chair. Maybe it was just from all the running she had been doing lately. She had run more in the last two days than she had in the last two years.

  Holly padded through the ship, her bare feet tingling on the cold metal floor. She went to the front of the ship, where she found Toshiro, still in the captain’s chair, leaning back with his feet on the console. His hat was pulled down over his face. She thought he was asleep, but when she got closer, he nodded and said, “Kid.”

  “Hey,” said Holly. She looked at the nearby desk, where Friday had been earlier. “Where’s that hologram?”

  “She’s in hibernation mode.” He took off his hat and ran a hand through his sleek black hair. “Do you need her for something?”

  Holly sat cross-legged on the desk. “I was just curious. I’ve never seen a hologram before.”

  Toshiro inspected his fingernails. “I imagine Friday wouldn’t even crack the top ten weird things you’ve seen today.”

  Holly smiled. “True. I hadn’t thought of it that way.”

  They sat in silence as the Gadabout soared through space. Through the curved glass window there was nothing but an ocean of black dotted by pinpricks of light. They looked like tiny candles fluttering in the dark.

  “Can I ask you a question?” said Holly.

  Toshiro turned and stared at her. “Shoot.”

  “Where are you from? How did you get here? How did you become a bounty hunter?”

  “I counted more than one question there,” he said, smiling slyly.

  “Sorry, but—uh—are you from Earth?”

  He considered this, and in a quick flash, a sad expression washed over his face. “Yes. But only briefly.”

  Holly frowned. “Only . . . briefly?”

  “Here’s some free advice, kid—never let your parents sell you to another dimension for gambling money.”

  Toshiro stared out the window, saying nothing more. Holly realized he wasn’t going to be sharing any grand personal stories with her. “Well,” she said, “I’m from Earth. As you guessed in the bar. I go to school at North Westwood.”

  “Never heard of it.”

  “It’s not that notable. It’s just okay. I mean, it has a good science program but the arts program is rubbish.” She hesitated. “I’m trying to get in to Falstaff Academy next year. It’s kind of a big deal. Eight senators have gone there.” She bit her lip. “My mom really wants me to go there. I have an important test on Friday.”

  Toshiro said nothing, and Holly immediately felt dumb. Why was she unloading her life story on a man who clearly didn’t care?

  “Maybe your mom should go instead,” he said.

  Holly almost fell off the desk. “Oh no. I want to go too, don’t get me wrong. My mom isn’t pressuring me or anything. She’s not a stage mom. Or whatever a school version of a stage mom is. I definitely want to go. It’s the best school in the country, and it really opens up your future to big things. I’ve been dreaming of going there.”

  Toshiro stood up, stretched his arms out wide, and yawned. He turned and looked down at Holly. “Kid, you’re on a spaceship with an alien princess, an intergalactic scientist, a dorky robot, and the handsomest bounty hunter I’ve ever laid eyes on. You’re goin’ to see the President of the Universe.” He motioned out the window. “Maybe it’s time to dream a bit farther.”

  He strolled away, leaving Holly alone. She dangled her legs off the desk and her feet brushed the cold floor. Frowning, she stared out the window. She was struck by how massive space really was, and how small she was compared to it. Even the stars were small, when you took a big enough picture. And what was she next to a star?

  10

  THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSE

  The F.O.U.P.S.P.O. home world, whose unpronounceable name consisted of a series of corporate logos mushed together, was a gigantic ringed planet that, at a distance, appeared to be made of glittering metal. But as the Gadabout approached, Holly realized why it looked like that—the entire surface of the planet was covered in a massive sprawling city. The glittering was just lights, and the metal was just . . . well, metal. The ring was composed of millions of satellites so dense that they appeared solid until you got up close.

  The Gadabout passed through towering skyscrapers and touched down on a landing strip. Holly wondered how they managed to power a city that size. Or feed it. Or provide water for it. Basically, her mind reeled with questions about how such an absurdly large city was possible. Probably space science, she thought sagely.

  Holly found a spare pair of shoes in a bin of clothes Toshiro had marked CLEVER DISGUISES. She, Mr. Mendez, Jalya, and AsTRO departed the ship, followed by Toshiro taking up
the rear, escorting the furry white alien, who was in shackles and scowling. They walked up the hundreds of red-carpeted steps to F.O.U.P.S.P.O.’s main building, which housed the Intergalactic Governing Council of Galactic Government, commonly called the I.G.C.G.G, otherwise known as the Galactic Hub. It was a solid gold hexagon and sparkled in the sun. Walls of golden bricks stretched up high and far into the distance. It was like someone had taken a huge city, dipped it in gold, and then dipped it in gold one more time to make sure it was as gold as possible.

  Huge gold columns lined the way like unmoving sentries. Holly walked along the gold ground, feeling jittery. She was surrounded by important people from all over the universe, making her seem awfully insignificant. She wondered what they must make of some girl from Earth—probably not much. She couldn’t even win a student election.

  Jalya stopped walking when she reached the shadow of one of the gold columns. She glanced back at the Gadabout. “I’m . . . I’m having second thoughts about this. . . .”

  “What’s wrong?” said Holly. As she looked at Jalya nervously fidgeting, she actually felt bad for the Princess. It reminded her of having to sit onstage in the auditorium waiting for the election results to be read, the whole school watching, each second crawling by. . . . At the time, she had desperately wanted someone to run onstage to save her, or at least distract the audience, get them to laugh at someone else, anything. . . . Of course, no one had. She had been alone. The only person to get laughed at had been her.

  “It’s okay,” said Holly, trying to convince herself as much as Jalya. “You’ll do fine. I know you can do it.”

  Jalya tried to smile. “I . . . really don’t know. . . .”

  Just then, a thin beige alien with a large head ran up to them. “Welcome to the F.O.U.P.S.P.O. I.G.C.G.G.,” he said, skidding to a halt, his shoes squeaking on the golden floor. “I am named Koro. How may I be of assistance to you?”

  Toshiro nodded toward his prisoner. “I’m droppin’ off this fella here. I’ll be needin’ the reward in universal currency.”

  Koro examined the prisoner, then consulted a screen on his wrist. “Yes, of course, of course.” He pointed toward a nearby door. “Prisoner retrieval and bounty collection are handled in Department 17, Jeepy Games & Entertainment Presents the Department of Justice.”

  Toshiro nodded. He looked at Mr. Mendez, Holly, and Jalya. “I’ll just be a few minutes. Meet you at the rendezvous point.”

  He grabbed the big white alien and shoved it in the direction Koro had pointed. The alien grunted, then muttered, “Don’t think I won’t eat you.”

  Koro smiled at Mr. Mendez, his eyes wide and eager. “May I be of any further assistance?”

  Mr. Mendez glanced over his shoulder to make sure no one was listening. “We have brought the Princess of Quartle, and she would like to speak with the President about an important matter of galactic security vis-à-vis the pirate menace.”

  Koro’s mouth fell open. “My goodness.” His eyes darted back and forth between Holly and Jalya. “Is it one of you? My goodness. This is a great honor. The Princess . . . my goodness. She continues to be quite the topic of conversation around here. As is the pirate menace. What synergy.”

  Holly and Jalya glanced at each other. Jalya bowed her head, and for a moment, Holly was reminded of Chester’s desperation to not go through customs, to go anywhere else but home. To be anything other than a princess. Like Holly, she probably felt alone, and wanted someone to run onstage and get the crowd’s attention away from her. Someone who would never come . . . But maybe this time, there was someone. Frowning, Holly knew what she had to do.

  “It’s me,” said Holly. “I’m the Princess. This is my synthetic human suit, like a Clapian Sponge Mop.”

  Jalya opened her mouth to speak but said nothing. She smiled at Holly.

  Koro squealed with delight. “Goodness, what a day. And to think my father-pod said I would never amount to anything!” He bowed so low his forehead hit the ground. He straightened up, rubbing his face. “Welcome to F.O.U.P.S.P.O. I.G.C.G.G., Your Highness. I will of course arrange for your accommodation and . . . and for your everything.”

  Holly wasn’t sure what to do, so she waved her hand airily and said, “I thank you.”

  Jalya stared at her, raising an eyebrow. Holly blushed.

  Koro rubbed his hands together. He checked the device on his wrist. “Your Highness, if you will be so kind as to follow me, I’ve found accommodation for you in Department 34, Boko Juice Presents the Department of Housing and Luxury Accommodation.”

  “Oh, I love Boko juice,” said Holly, suddenly wishing she had some.

  “I will get you many cases,” said Koro, leading them toward a nearby door.

  Jalya looked up at the huge building towering over them like a gold and glass castle. It must have been fifty stories tall. “Why are the departments named after things?”

  “F.O.U.P.S.P.O. receives generous corporate sponsorship from many leading galactic businesses,” said Koro, inspecting the device on his wrist. “It enables us to always be in the black. They provide money for naming rights, and all they ask for in return is control over department policy. It’s a perfect system.”

  Holly narrowed her eyes.

  Walking through the hallowed halls of the Galactic Hub, they passed well-dressed aliens rushing to and fro, obviously engaged in important business. The golden walls were lined with huge screens showing news programs in many different languages, none of which Holly understood, several of which sounded like cats throwing up fur balls. On one of the screens, she recognized footage of Saskanoops marching down a street.

  “Ah,” said Koro, seeing where she was looking. “Yes, the planet of Saskanoop is currently engaged in a massive revolution. They all want to stop guarding doors and instead throw balls. No one knows why. But it’s causing economic turmoil in many sectors.”

  Holly opened her mouth to speak but then thought better of it. She stuck her chin out and regally frowned.

  * * *

  Koro brought them to the Boko Juice Executive Suite. Pushing open the large golden doors, he ushered them into a huge room full of lavish gold furniture. He turned and faced Holly. “Here you are, Your Highness.” He bowed. “Regrettably, I must now attend to other F.O.U.P.S.P.O. matters. Please enjoy your stay with us. If you need anything, I have assigned several of my clones to assist you.”

  He paced down the hall, consulting the device on his wrist. When he was gone, Holly ran and jumped onto the bed, sinking into a pit of softness. “This is so comfortable,” she said to Jalya. “I can’t believe you ran away from this.”

  Jalya perched on the edge of the bed, her hands in her lap. “I didn’t run away from this. I ran away from my home planet, Quartle.” Her eyes slowly trailed around the room. “But I would have run away from here, too.”

  “Why?” said Holly, her voice muffled by the most comfortable pillow in the history of pillows.

  “Because it’s a prison, Holly,” said Jalya, getting up and standing by the tall window. “Once the glitter wears thin, you realize you have no freedom. You simply do what you’re told, when you’re told it.”

  “If you’re going to have problems,” muttered Mr. Mendez, “those are the sort of problems to have.”

  “What?” asked Jalya.

  “Nothing,” he said quickly. “Just thinking out loud.”

  Jalya sat next to Holly on the bed. She fidgeted with the sleeve of her jacket. “If you’re going to address the President, you should get ready. I hope you aren’t nervous meeting important galactic people.”

  Holly considered this, then smiled at Jalya. “I’ve already met important galactic people.”

  * * *

  After taking a warm shower—which was actually more like a special sphere you entered and had dirt vaporized off you by lasers—Holly retrieved the most lavish outfit she could find in her huge walk-in closet. She put on a long, flowing white dress that had gold trim and seemed very regal to
Holly.

  She tried not to think about having to meet the most important person in the universe. Her stomach tightened. Would it be just like running for school president? Maybe. Would it be worse than that? Probably. Had she enjoyed running for school president? Not really. Would she do it again if she had the chance? Definitely not.

  She tried not to imagine meeting the most important person in the universe.

  “Are you ready?” said Jalya, peeking her head into the closet.

  Holly nodded. When she returned to the spacious living room, she found Toshiro leaning against the wall by the door.

  “Kid,” he said, nodding.

  “Did you get your money?” said Holly.

  He smiled and patted his pocket. “You know it.”

  Mr. Mendez stood by the door, waiting. He adjusted his bow tie. AsTRO was beside him, its internal fan whirring softly. Koro was fidgeting by the window, and when he saw Holly, he exclaimed, “Ah, Princess! Your Highness, I am a clone of Koro. He has asked me to bring you to see the President when you are ready.”

  Holly’s eyebrows shot up. “You’re his clone?”

  “Yes,” said Koro 2. “I have the crucial task of bringing you down the hall, turning right, going down a very long hall, turning left, going up the stairs, turning right, then going down one final very long hall to the door at the end.” He smiled. “I am very excited. I’ve never brought anyone beyond the first very long hall, and normally I turn right.”

  “Well,” said Holly, taking a deep breath, “let’s go.”

  Together they left the luxury suite. Just as Koro 2 had outlined, he led them down a hall, then turned right, then went down a long hall, then turned left, then went upstairs, turned right, then finally went down one final long hall, stopping outside a set of huge aquamarine doors. The parts Koro 2 had described as the “long halls” were so long it felt like they had been walking for hours by the time they arrived.

  The doors loomed in front of them. Holly waited for something to happen. Koro 2 smiled and nodded, but seemed to be waiting for her. Holly glanced at Jalya and Mr. Mendez and Toshiro and AsTRO. They were just standing still. After a moment's hesitation, Holly shrugged, reached out a hand, and knocked on the door.