by Nix Knox
Ronan wanted peace between himself and Noah’s folks. “I’ll do anything he needs.”
“I don’t want you near my son.”
“That’s what I mean.” The doctor sighed, shaking her head at Mr. Cameron. “That should be Noah’s call, not yours. When he wakes up, I’ll ask him who he wants on his visitor list. If you start picking and choosing who can see him and who can’t, I have a feeling your son will exclude you.”
“He can’t do that.”
“He’s an adult. He can. If I feel you’re harming his progress, I can.”
Noah’s parents looked stricken.
“Get along. Seriously. Whatever your damage is, it’s nothing compared to Noah’s. He’s going to have to undergo extensive surgery for his facial injuries. He is going to need to be in the hospital for weeks, and he has a long and painful recovery ahead of him. Whoever did this wasn’t trying to hurt him. Whoever did this was trying to kill him.” The doctor paused to let that sink in. “Instead of getting into some kind of pissing match over your son’s orientation, I say suck it up and put him first, because his welfare is my top priority. Noah is going to be physically scarred for life. I’m not about to let anyone deepen the emotional injuries that are surely there.”
“What can I do?” Ronan had no clue what, if anything, he could do to help.
“He’s in surgery now. It’s going to be a long one. You’re free to camp out here, but you won’t be able to see him until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest. I suggest that the three of you go somewhere and come to terms with one another.” She paused long enough to take a breath. “And before another argument can start, I’m going to instruct the nurse to call whoever he says to call when he’s out of surgery and ready for visitors.”
As the doctor spun on her heel and strode away, Ronan was impressed with her attitude. Clearly, she was old enough to have seen a lot in her time as a doctor. Since she worked in emergency medicine, she’d traded delicacy for immediacy. Ronan wasn’t one to make snap judgments, but he felt Noah was in entirely capable hands.
When he turned back, Noah’s parents were watching the doctor, too, as if they hadn’t decided whether or not to trust her. Eventually, she disappeared and they turned their attention onto him.
“Please let me take you out to dinner where we can talk.”
“So you can turn him against us?”
“I would never do that to Noah. He loves you. He was scared to death to tell you. He didn’t even tell me he was going to come out to you.”
“As if you didn’t push him to throw away his whole life for a phase?”
“It’s not a phase.” Ronan was hanging on to his patience because he was sympathetic to Noah’s parents. From their point of view, everything had been going along all hunky-dory until Ronan appeared. It was only natural they would blame him. “Noah’s been unhappy for a long time. Surely you noticed.”
There was a spark in his mother’s eyes. Just a blip. She recalled something in that moment, but she quickly dismissed whatever it was that came to mind. Even if Noah had been waving a rainbow flag and trumpeting at the top of his lungs, she was going to keep right on with her denial.
“This isn’t the time or place for this discussion.” Noah’s father was back to darting his gaze frantically around the waiting room. Ronan didn’t bother to look. He knew they didn’t have anyone’s attention.
“I agree. Can we please go somewhere? I’m sure there’s somewhere close.”
“Come along, Odonna. We’re done here.” Noah’s father placed his arm around his wife, and together they moved toward the exit.
Ronan watched them go. He had tried. There wasn’t anything else he could do other than that. After giving his phone number to the nurse, Ronan took himself home. The ride was uneventful, which was good, because his thoughts were a million miles away. He wanted to hunt down Keith and his friends. He wanted to charge into the hospital and hold Noah’s hand. He did neither. He went home, settled on the couch, and stared at the television. After fifteen minutes, he realized it wasn’t on.
Instead of turning on some show he probably wouldn’t pay attention to, Ronan got up from the couch and paced. Feeling powerless was something he’d never liked. He needed to be in control, and he was comfortable with responsibility. In this situation, there wasn’t anything he could do. He wished he could go back in time and make Noah stay with him.
“I should have insisted. Or I should have gone with him.”
But that wouldn’t have solved the problem either. If anything, it might have only delayed the inevitable. And Ronan was starting to understand what had been happening with Noah. He didn’t see it right off, but Noah had been taking control of his life. He had come out to his parents, which was probably the most difficult thing he’d ever done. That had to be more unnerving than seeking out a Dom with whom to share his fantasies. In the case of a sexual partner, Noah could have always walked away without Ronan ever knowing his last name or his phone number. With his parents, Noah didn’t have that luxury. Even if he said he was only kidding right after his confession, the damage would already be done. They would have looked at him with suspicion for the rest of his life.
Thinking of his parents, it was clear to Ronan where Noah got his looks and his mannerisms. In a better world, Ronan could imagine they would be warm and welcoming people. If Ronan were a woman, they would have taken great comfort in the fact that he was determined to be there for Noah. Since he was a man, they were horrified and ashamed. Noah’s father was far more worried about his image in the community than what was in the best interests of his son.
But that moment, where Noah’s mother had looked away, remembering something that made her wonder about Noah’s orientation. What had happened that stuck in her memory? What had Noah done that made her think he wasn’t what they wanted? Not that it mattered. It was clear they weren’t comfortable with Noah coming out.
Reassessing the situation again, Ronan was willing to cut them even more slack. They’d only found out just hours before their son was hospitalized. Even in a perfectly sane mind, it had to look like one caused the other. Noah being gay led to him being beaten. The two events were completely unrelated, but that didn’t mean his parents were going to be able to grasp that intellectually. At least not for a while. Not when the shock was so raw. All Ronan could do was hope that someday, he and Noah’s parents could at least be civil to one another.
Ronan looked down at his hands. They were unmarked, just like the doctor said. Although, if he ever found Keith, they’d be so broken and bloody they probably wouldn’t work for months. Even if that sack of worthless shit was still in jail, he’d certainly compelled his buddies to go after Noah. What drove Ronan up the fucking wall was that he didn’t know, and he wouldn’t know until he talked to Noah.
With a sinking heart, he realized Noah probably wouldn’t know, either. If they’d jumped him as soon as he’d opened his car door, he might not even know who started what. Unless the police found the men before their wounds could heal, they might get away with what they’d done. Just the idea of that kind of injustice infuriated Ronan. He knew life wasn’t fair, but poor Noah hadn’t done a damn thing but want to park his car in his assigned spot. He’d done everything he could to head off trouble, but he’d gotten trouble anyway.
Filled with nervous energy, Ronan sought some kind of peace. He went outside. Night was falling slowly, and the chirping of crickets was rising. Soon it would start to cool off. Since his Zen garden was outside, it often became altered due to wind or rain. He picked up the wide-tooth rake and rubbed it over the top of the white sand until it was smooth, then traced patterns into the grains. Once he had it back the way he preferred, he settled down to contemplate.
When he’d considered putting in the garden, he hadn’t known there were as many ways to fashion a Zen garden as there were people. Instead of following someone else’s example, he came up with his own. Each rock represented a significant moment in Ronan’s life. Be
cause the moments hadn’t all happened in the same place or even in the same way, the rocks were all different. There was a smooth river-tumbled rock of red sandstone that marked the occasion when he’d discovered his first moment of Zen. He’d been camping along the Colorado River and realized he had no control over anyone but himself. The rock had been at the edge of his camp so he’d brought it back to his dorm. It sat on his desk until he realized why he had taken it. From that point forward, he’d always found a rock near the site of other momentous occasions. Some rocks were big, others small. Each represented a milestone. When he sat and looked over his garden, he was, in a very real sense, looking over his life.
Ronan hadn’t told Noah about the newest addition to his garden. Closer to the right front corner was a stunning cluster of crystals. Once he knew how he felt about Noah, he’d gone to a rock shop he favored and found a rock that was as close to Noah’s eye color as he could find. The crystal was a beautiful blue, but it wasn’t nearly as stunning as Noah’s eyes.
As Ronan sat and considered the stone, he hoped he would be able to share his garden with Noah. If he came to be his live-in partner, then he could add his own rocks to the sand. Or he could start his own garden. All Ronan knew in that moment was that he had plenty of room in the white for new events. He wanted to add new experiences that happened with Noah. Ronan understood that not everything that happened was good, but this seemed so tragic he couldn’t help but question why it had happened at all.
After a long time of quiet contemplation, Ronan felt more at peace. He wasn’t happy about Noah’s injuries, but he realized beating up Keith or his friends in turn only kept the cycle of violence going. He wanted justice, but that wasn’t going to come by his own fists. What he needed to focus on was helping Noah heal. The legal system would have to take Keith and his friends to task.
Ronan spent the rest of the evening reading about orbital fractures. The horrific images sickened him, but Ronan forged ahead. Depending on where the fracture was, one or both of Noah’s eyes could be shut for weeks. Noah was going to need him to be there for him, if only to act as his eyes. Regardless of what it would take, Ronan was in for the long haul. He could rearrange his work schedule and—
“His parents.”
Noah was going to be in the hospital for a month at a minimum. He was then going to need in-home care when he got out. If the showdown in the hospital waiting room was any indication, Noah was going to feel a constant push-pull between his parents and his boyfriend. Ronan didn’t want Noah to have to suffer the agonizing choice of picking a side. In Ronan’s mind, Noah shouldn’t have to. Ronan wanted to work with Noah’s parents to create the best possible recovery for Noah.
“Maybe the doctor could help.”
Ronan had liked her no-nonsense attitude, but once he left her care, Noah would go to the next doctor, and there were no guarantees the new physician would want to have the widest possible care net for her patient. It would seem like a no brainer, but Ronan had encountered hostility from all kinds of people in all walks of life. Just because someone was a doctor didn’t mean they were filled with compassion.
Again, he was anticipating trouble rather than taking a calm approach. He shouldn’t be casting his expectations out when they wouldn’t do anything but antagonize him. Letting go was almost impossible, but Ronan managed when he recognized he had no say in what happened. The only thing he could do was put Noah’s needs first. Still, no matter how he tried, he couldn’t stop thinking that Noah’s parents were probably going to make shutting him out a priority.
Chapter Eighteen
Noah woke to darkness. He felt dizzy and nauseated. His face felt strange, and his body seemed to be made of lead. When he tried to move, nothing happened. Speaking seemed to be beyond him. Curiously, he didn’t feel any pain. He felt oddly disconnected and…floaty. He didn’t think that was an actual word, but it was the only thing that adequately described how he felt. At the moment, he imagined he was one of those big parade balloons, merrily floating over the street. No, not that. He seemed to be hovering over—the floor? Bed? Parking lot? Wait. He was in the parking lot of his apartment building. He had just gotten home and couldn’t wait to get inside, eat dinner, and then call Ronan so he could tell him what he’d done. The only reason he was going to eat dinner first was so that he could charge up his phone, because he intended to be on the device most of the night.
Noah couldn’t wait to tell Ronan everything.
For the first time in his life, Noah was excited about what he was doing. Sure, there was a huge bunch of anxiety in there, but it was the good kind. Worry had been replaced with anticipation. He knew there were going to be challenges and setbacks. Just because he’d finally taken charge of his life didn’t mean everything was going to be all hunky dory. The difference was that it was all going to be on him. Noah was the captain of his ship, and he was excited to set sail.
There was just one little problem. Where was he? He felt so disoriented he almost thought he was spinning. Into his head came the vision of himself on one of those roundabout carnival rides that spun so fast it stuck all the riders to the wall. No matter how valiantly he struggled, he couldn’t fight that force. He was floating but stuck where he was, tethered like a balloon.
“Noah?” An unfamiliar voice called out to him, but it seemed to Noah he could barely hear whoever it was because there was water in his ears. Or sand. Was he at the beach? Utah didn’t have a beach. Not unless the little strip of sand around the Great Salt Lake counted, and that was more dirt than sand.
Noah struggled to ask a question, but nothing happened. He was pretty sure his lips didn’t even move.
“Don’t try to talk. I’m going to move the bed so you can sit up. That will help the tissues around your eyes drain.”
Instantly alarmed, Noah tried to ask what had happened to him. Why did his eyes need to drain? Had he been in a car wreck? That didn’t sound right. He remembered talking to his parents. Their shock and hurt was still raw in his mind. After that, he drove home. That was when his heart and mind had been full of Ronan. But then…something. He was going to plug in his phone and eat. He never got in the door. What had happened? His mind was totally blank. And then, the answer came to him.
Keith.
Panic surged.
Noah had been careful when he pulled up, but he hadn’t been overly cautious because the sun was up. For some reason, he thought if Keith attacked him, it would be in the dark. Foolish, foolish me. Noah would have cried, but he felt too disconnected from his body to do that. His emotions were there, and ripe with intensity, but he couldn’t connect them to his physical form.
“I know you’re probably confused. You can’t open your eyes right now because of the bandages. That’s why you can’t see. Relax, Noah. I’ve called your parents and Ronan.”
Relief flooded through him. Ronan knew where he was. He would come. He would hold his hand and explain everything. Noah was surprised to hear his parents were coming. He thought they’d be upset with him.
“That’s much better. Take slow, even breaths. They know you’re awake. They’ll be able to visit in a few hours.”
Noah suddenly felt a cool, soft hand grip his hand.
“I want you to tap once for yes, twice for no. Do you understand?”
Noah tapped once. He was stunned how difficult it was for him to lift his index finger. He felt like he’d just done the most ballistic workout of his life.
“Good. Do you know where you are?”
Noah tapped twice.
“Sorry, I don’t think I told you that. You’re at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. From what we were told by the police department, you were attacked outside your apartment.”
Noah tapped once.
After a few more questions to make sure he was fully oriented to his situation, the doctor or nurse asked if there was any reason why they shouldn’t contact Ronan.
Noah tapped twice.
“He’s your boyfriend?”
>
Noah tapped once.
“Okay. If you’ll give me permission, I’ll make it clear he’s to be included in updates.”
Noah tapped once as fiercely as he could.
After a few more questions, the woman left, but before she did, she placed an object into Noah’s hand. If he needed help, all he had to do was press the button. Noah clutched the item in his fist. He feared if he lost it, he wouldn’t be able to summon aid.
“Don’t worry. It’s attached to your wrist. If it falls, feel around and you’ll find it easily.”
Noah loosened his grip.
When he was alone again, he tried to feel the damage that had been done to him, but he just felt that odd floaty feeling. Belatedly, he realized it was a good thing he couldn’t feel his body. Noah thought that when the drugs wore off and his injuries became apparent, he was in for pain unlike anything he’d ever known.
Drifting in and out of sleep, Noah was oblivious to the time of day or even his orientation in the bed. When he woke up at one point, he thought he was lying sideways. All he had to do was shake his head and he realized he was sitting up. Moving his legs made him realize his legs weren’t lifted but flat on the bed. Carefully, with great attention, he forced his awareness to each part of his body. He wanted to make sure everything was still attached.
“Noah?” The nurse or doctor with the soothing voice was back. “You have a visitor.”
He heard her move away, then tell someone, “Remember, please, that he can’t talk just yet. Hold his hand and he can tap yes or no, but I would suggest you just talk to him.”
Noah felt time spin out. He waited forever for contact, wondering if his parents or Ronan would be the first.
“I’m here, Noah.” Ronan gently gripped his hand and then traced his fingers over the back with his other hand. The motion instantly calmed him. “Don’t try to talk or move, just relax and let me be here for you.”
And that was exactly what Noah did. He was pretty sure he flitted in and out of sleep, but each time he awoke, Ronan was there. All he had to do to confirm was tap. When he did, Ronan squeezed.
