Three Plays

by Mike Sutton

  Cleo – Your show is going fabulously darling.

  Liz – Yes, I seem to be a hit.

  Cleo – Isn’t it though. I imagine that you will be a big star when it is through baby. All our years of hard work are finally beginning to pay off.

  Liz – Yes all those years of work are finally paying off.

  Cleo – After this, you are going to be a big celebrity. As famous as Andy Warhol at the very least. I imagine that the biggest art publications will all have stories about you. I’ll be so proud of you baby. Oh I cannot wait until I can tell all my friends. They will all be quite jealous.

  Liz – Something to look forward to.

  Cleo – Why baby what ever is wrong?

  Liz – I’m fine mother.

  Cleo – Darling clearly something is bothering you.

  Liz – I said that I am fine mother.

  Cleo – Obviously there is something the matter darling, you have been a little snippy all day. Now be a good girl and tell your mother what is troubling you. Is it the talk shows? We’ll do fine on them.

  Liz – Mother why did you do it?

  Cleo – Do what baby?

  Liz – Why did you hit on Jim? I told you to leave him alone.

  Cleo – What do you mean? I have left him alone.

  Liz – Jim told me that you pinch him whenever he comes over. That’s the reason why he didn’t come to my pool party.

  Cleo – And you believed him darling? Maybe he was just making excuses.

  Liz – Please, he’s my best friend. I know he wouldn’t lie to me about that.

  Cleo – Men lie all the time.

  Liz – So do you. You seem to have to flirt with all my boyfriends. I’ve even seen you chase the gardener and just about every other man you come across.

  Cleo – Elizabeth!

  Liz - Why couldn’t you just leave Jim alone?

  Cleo – Elizabeth!

  Liz – Is there some reason why you have to go chasing after my best friend?

  Cleo – I can’t believe that you are saying what you are saying. Why you little ingrate. If we were at home right now I would bend you over my knee and spank you.

  Liz – Oh you couldn’t do that mother, you might break a nail.

  Cleo – Where do you get off speaking to me like that?

  Liz – Oh I just guess I wasn’t raised very well, my mother spent so much of her time sleeping with the gardener and her tennis instructor.

  Cleo – I never did anything, those are all lies made up by your father to turn you against me! I never touched either of those men. I was faithful to your father!

  Liz – I have pictures.

  Cleo – You little sneak! Well your father has been cheating on me too, with his secretaries, since just a little while after you were born.

  Liz – I’ve got pictures of that as well. It all makes for a wonderful family album to show my children one day. ‘Look kids, here’s your grandmother and another one of her “friends”.’ ‘Mommy, grandma sure had a lot of friends,’ ‘yes sweetie she did, but so did your grandfather.’

  Cleo – And when do you ever plan to have children hmmm? You waste all your time dreaming about your thick-headed friend Jim when you could be serious with a real man who treats you more like the beautiful young woman you are.

  Liz – I like Jim, he’s nice, and fun to be with. And I think he’ll figure out that I like him more than just being friends.

  Cleo – My daughter you don’t seem to understand men in the least. Let me fill you in on some little details that I have picked up over the years. Will that be okay with you?

  Liz – Oh by all means mother, inspire me with your great insight and wisdom.

  Cleo – That is enough of your rudeness. If not love for your mother, I at least demand the respect that you would give a teacher. Are you at least adult enough to handle that Elizabeth? Or would you rather we go our separate ways from now on.

  Liz – All right mother, I am interested in hearing what you have to say, though I do question how valid and advice you have about men may be.

  Cleo – Very funny Elizabeth, now if you’re finished…?

  Liz – Yes mother, I’ve nothing else to say for the time being. I’m ready to listen to what you have to say.

  Cleo – I doubt that this is the ideal location for a proper mother to daughter talk, but we aren’t exactly the ideal mother and daughter. I should have done this a long time ago, but I was busy with other things then… Where to begin. With the basics I suppose, you already know about the mechanics of sex, but it’s up to me to fill you in on men themselves. Men are stupid. I mean it in the most loving way possible. But, men are stupid. They’re blind, they don’t see or understand what is standing right in front of them, what is absolutely plain to you and I. Take you’re friend Jim for example, I doubt its even crossed his mind that you have any romantic interest in him what-so-ever. He is blissfully un-aware that you have been mooning over him for the last ten years of your lives, though I think you could have made a better choice.

  Liz – Mother, we’ve been over this before…

  Cleo – Yes, yes, I know you’re sticking with Jim, and hoping that one day he’ll see the light. Well Elizabeth it will never happen.

  Liz – We’ve been over this too mother, he’s not gay, just because he didn’t accept your…

  Cleo – And you’re not listening to me dear. Jim being a man, and inherently flawed for being so, is never going to realize that you love him. The only way that he might get it is if you let him know strait out how you feel.

  Liz – How? Just come out and tell him that I love him?

  Cleo – No Elizabeth, you tell him that you love him, and give him an instructional pamphlet with diagrams and small words, not too much in the way of color and shapes because he might get distracted and forget to read the text, not to mention ignore you when you’re exposing your deepest feelings.

  Liz – So your entire theory on men is that they’re complete imbeciles incapable of doing more than dressing themselves.

  Cleo – Dear, most men shouldn’t be allowed to even pick out their own clothes. But no they’re not complete morons, they’re quite handy to when it comes to making the clock on the video recorder stop blinking 12:00 for all eternity. But when it comes to important things, like knowing what a woman wants, well they’re hopeless. Even on the rare occasions that they actually are paying one hundred percent attention to us, which doesn’t happen as often as it should. They’re just simple minded, and it’s better that you learn than now than later. Otherwise you might end up like me, and that doesn’t seem to appeal to you very much.

  Liz – (A slight warming) Thank you for the advice, I’ll try to keep it in mind when I deal with men.

  Cleo – My pleasure baby, it’s the only motherly thing I can pass on to you. Well I must be going now. I have some ‘chores’ to see to.

  Liz – Good-bye mother, stay out of trouble.

  Cleo – Don’t start worrying about me, ta-ta darling! (Exits the stage)

  Liz – (Looks out at the audience as if studying an art piece, deep in thought)

  Jim – (Notices that Cleo is gone, and slowly carefully sidles up to Liz without her noticing him.) Is she gone?

  Liz – (Rather startled) What the hell is wrong with you sneaking up on me like that?

  Jim – Shhhh! Is she gone?

  Liz – Yes, my mother is gone, and I think she promised not to bother you any more.

  Jim – Finally. What do you mean ‘think she promised’?

  Liz – Exactly what I said, I think she promised to behave.

  Jim – I’m confused…

  Liz – Why am I not surprised…

  Jim – Wouldn’t that be something that would have either a yes or no answer? If I asked about the existence of God, or the origin of the universe, or whether or not Twinkies lasted forever, I would expect you to say ‘maybe’ but not for ‘will your mom leave me alone
?’

  Liz – We got sidetracked. So I’m not quite sure how she answered.

  Jim – What didja get side-tracked to?

  Liz – Just female troubles, you wouldn’t understand.

  Jim – You mean like…

  Liz - …Could be…

  Jim – Question withdrawn. (puts his Groucho glasses back on)

  Liz – What are you doing?

  Jim – Just in case the answer was no, and your mom comes back. The Boy Scout motto is ‘be prepared.’ I try to live by that motto.

  Liz – You were never a Boy Scout.

  Jim – That doesn’t mean that I can’t adopt their motto, its just good common sense to be prepared.

  Liz – Jim, you’re never prepared for anything.

  Jim – Sure I am.

  Liz – Oh yeah? Like what?

  Jim – I’m prepared for you’re mother’s dreaded return.

  Liz – That silly disguise doesn’t exactly count as preparation…

  Jim – I have a knife too.

  Liz – And what pray-tell is that for?

  Jim – If she comes back I’ll use it!

  Liz – Jim! You’re not planning to stab my mother are you?

  Jim – No way! I wouldn’t want to do that!

  Liz – Then what’s the knife for?

  Jim – I was planning on stabbing myself, then making my getaway in the ambulance to the hospital.

  Liz – Isn’t that a bit extreme a reaction? Just excuse yourself and leave. No mess, no pain, and no hurt feelings.

  Jim – I’ve tried that, didn’t work.

  Liz – You could just pretend to be stomach-ache then.

  Jim – Tried that too, did you know that your mother carries around a bottle of stomach tonic with he in her purse?

  Liz – Well there has to be a better answer than stabbing yourself.

  Jim – Maybe, but having someone call in a bomb-threat won’t work every time.

  Liz – Very funny Jim.

  Jim – I’m serious, Gene and I talked the whole scenario over for days, stabbing myself is the best way to get away from your mom, and by best I mean the way I spend the least time in jail.

  Liz – You brought Gene into this before you talked to me about it? Wait, does she hit on Gene too?

  Jim & Liz – No.

  Jim – Can you imagine anyone who knows Gene actually hitting on him?

  Liz – If they were drunk maybe.

  Jim & Liz - Really drunk.

  Liz – Sorry, I just blurted that out, didn’t think first.

  Jim – Can your mom even drink that much, without passing out soon after anyway?

  Liz – Maybe, she boasts that she could out drink an entire company of Marines. But I think she would have to cheat to do it.

  Jim – An entire company? How do you cheat to in a drinking contest?

  Liz – If I told you that, then what edge would I have if we ever had a drinking contest?

  Jim – I’ll avoid drinking against you in the future. Is that another thing mothers teach their daughters? How to drink like a room full of men?

  Liz – Well my mother taught me how to do it, I don’t know about what ‘normal’ mothers do with their daughters. But that is one of the valuable life skills that I learned under my mother’s tutelage.

  Jim – Might come in handy one day, maybe your true calling is to open a bar, and fleece customers out of their money in fixed drinking contests.

  Liz – Maybe, and maybe you can be my tough but honest bouncer.

  Jim – Could I carry a sword or something?

  Liz – Would you use it?

  Jim – Only on people who insisted on singing karaoke, when it’s obvious that they have no talent for singing whatsoever.

  Liz – Deal, but I get to pick the sword.

  Jim – It better be functional and not one of those goofy looking fantasy swords that you’re always buying.

  Liz – Hey, those swords are designed to be are intimidating, and they do a good job of it. But that doesn’t matter. What do you think?

  Jim – I like that brightly colored one in the corner over there, the one with all the swirls. It just looks so happy and cheerful.

  Liz – That one is called ‘Ode to Chaos’ it’s about a fight my parents had.

  Jim – It reminds me more of a commune full of tie-dye wearing hippies. How about that one over there, with that guy lighting a match under that elephant’s foot?

  Liz – It’s called ‘Eugene’s Last Prank,’ and if you can’t tell what its about, then I want to know what you’ve done with the real Jim Trelain.

  Jim – You got his hair perfect, but I don’t think he’d stoop to something that low-tech and effective, knowing Gene, he’d probably build a catapult and try to coax the elephant onto it, and then see how far an elephant can fly when it’s launched through the air by a weapon of war.

  Liz – Also knowing Gene, he’d build the catapult way too small, or he would launch himself on accident, but with his luck he wouldn’t die. The poor old lady that he’d land on would break his fall. But what Gene would try to do in real life doesn’t really matter, as that drawing isn’t literal. On with the critique.

  Jim – I also liked the one with all the bright swirls of color on top of that layer of white. It’s just seems so cheerful and happy, it really cheers me up. You must have been in a good mood when you painted it.

  Liz – That one is called ‘The Storm,’ it’s about my parents’ marriage and all the fights they have all while hiding it from the rest of the world.

  Jim – Oh, well it could have been cheerful. Sorry. I should have read the title, it was just so bright and happy looking, I gotta learn to pay attention.

  Liz – Yes you do need to pay attention, that’s how you got into trouble with…

  Jim – …I only did that once, and I have been watching for those conditions ever since.

  Liz – Too bad you weren’t paying attention the first time it happened. But let’s keep moving.

  Jim – Well, I love the two, of first, Jesus shaking hands with Elvis, and then of them fighting a gaggle of ninjas. It isn’t about your parents is it? I just thought it was about Jesus and Elvis fighting ninjas. That would make a sweet comic book, the King of Rock and Roll and the King of Kings, battling ninjas and the forces of evil to save the world. They would need a jet, and some fancy gizmos, but man would it kick. ‘Elvis, shalt we implant our sandals into the asses of these dark warriors?’ ‘Yeah good buddy, time to give em a free trip to heartbreak hotel’.

  Liz – It doesn’t have a name, I just painted it for fun. It’s not about my parents or anything else. It might well have been since Mother really didn’t want that one in the show, but it has made a lot of people laugh, and the posters of it are selling well.

  Jim – There are posters? I gotta get me one of those.

  Liz – For you, it’s on the house, and I’ll sign it as well.

  Jim – Woo-hoo! I feel special now.

  Liz – You are special.

  Jim – It’s all the paint-chips I ate as a kid, with the right dip they’re pretty good.

  Liz – Sometimes I think you were dropped on your head as a baby, but with a skull that thick I think that you hurt the floor worse than it hurt you. Come on, I want your opinion on my work.

  Jim – Over all, I like it a lot.

  Liz – But…

  Jim – I was wondering…

  Liz – Wondering…

  Jim – Where’s the uh…

  Liz – The what?

  Jim – The nude painting that you did of me…

  Liz – What nude painting of you?

  Jim – That answers that question.

  Liz – What question? What nude painting? What the hell are you talking about Jim?

  Jim – It must have been a dream.

  Liz – Are you going to fill me in, or am I going to hurt you.

  Jim – I had a really vivid dream where I posed nude fo
r a painting for you. We had a lot of fun, and I think it might have been a good painting.

  Liz – Might have been? Didn’t you see it?

  Jim – Well you were about to show it to me when the event happened.

  Liz – What kind of ‘event’ prevented you from seeing the dream masterpiece?

  Jim – Our mothers showed up…

  Liz – What did they do?

  Jim – Well, my mom tried to beat us both for being ‘twisted little perverts’ and your mom immediately stripped off all her clothing and demanded to be ‘immortalized in all her youthful glory.’

  Liz – What happened next?

  Jim – I don’t know, I didn’t stick around. I couldn’t sleep for the next two nights either, so the entire dream turned into a hazy reality.

  Liz – Well, now you know.

  Jim - Glad to have finally cleared it up, I’m not going to sleep tonight I don’t think.

  Liz – Whose idea was it?

  Jim – Whose idea was what?

  Art enters, He divides his time between looking at the paintings and looking for Jim.

  Liz – Whose idea was it to do a nude painting?

  Jim – Well, it was both of our ideas, you said that you wanted to do a painting of me, I agreed, but then all of a sudden I was modeling in the nude. One of those dream things. At least I wasn’t making a nude presentation in front of an entire psychology class again.

  Liz – Jim, you have some strange dreams.

  Jim – Tell me about it, the weirdest one yet is when you, me, Johnny and Gene were exploring this haunted mansion, Scooby Doo style. Yeah, that was a weird one.

  Liz – What happened?

  Jim – Well there were things that one would expect in a haunted mansion, ghosts and dancing skeletons and strange noises. But then on top of that Johnny and Gene actually got along well. They actually paired up to explore the mansion willingly, and they didn’t kill each other. That’s not the weirdest thing, but you get the point.

  Liz – So you and me were teamed together?

  Jim – Yep

  Liz – Did we find anything or do anything interesting?

  Jim – The first thing we found was a closet full of old clothing. By the way, you look good in green. After that we wandered around and talked to a couple of ghosts. We did a lot of running away from scary noises. Especially after I tried hitting that one ghost over the head with a fire poker, it didn’t care for my intent. Finally we just met back up with Gene and Johnny.

  Liz – Did they find anything cool?

  Jim – Yes, they were playing video games on this enormous television in the living room.

  Art finally sees Liz and approaches her.

  Liz – Jim, you need to seek help.

  Jim – Probably, but I won’t.

  Art – Excuse me Liz, but have you seen Jim about here?

  Jim – (In a silly accent) No sir, there has been nobody named Jim here.

  Art – Son, those glasses suit you, they hide that ugly mug of yours quite well.

  Jim – Since these are your glasses it must be an inherited family curse to be so homely.

  Art – My boy, indeed it is, and if the world is lucky you won’t ever have children and pass on our cursed genes.

  Jim – What about Johnny? Can he still breed?

  Art – In his current mindset, I doubt that your brother will ever attract a woman willing to bear his children. Though he has got your mother’s looks which is a big help to that cause. But it’s a dark subject on which we linger. Have you got a hug for your old man?

  Jim – Anything to do with both Johnny or Mother can be considered a dark subject. (Hugs Art) How was your trip? Did you enjoy the ‘convention’ in Florida?

  Liz – Did anything exciting happen?

  Art – Well it depends on your definition of exciting. If my exciting you mean ‘did I make a fortune and decide to retire,’ then no it was a dull trip.

  Liz – I’m sorry.

  Art – Don’t be. I did get to ogle a great many women half my age wearing not but skimpy swimwear. It was truly a wonderful experience for a man my age, or for a man of any age for that matter. Well Elizabeth, I am truly impressed with your talent once again. So much creativity and talent combined into a pretty girl. You’ll make some lucky man very happy one day.

  Liz – Thanks Mr. Trelain, Jim was just telling me what he thought. I would appreciate hearing your opinion on what you like and dislike.

  Art – Well, I must say I love that painting of Jesus and Elvis shaking hands, and the one next to it of them fighting the Ninjas. It looks so lifelike, and it is extremely unique in concept. For the rest, I’m not art-minded enough to tell you anything special.

  Liz – That doesn’t matter, just tell me what appeals to you.

  Art – I haven’t seen it all yet. The other piece that really sticks out in my mind is that one about Gene. Wonderful imagery, and you got his hair perfect. Maybe I can give you more after I get a better look at it all. But first I need to speak with my son. Important issues involving the family, some not for your ears though as close you may be.

  Liz – Suddenly there is another place I have to be, I’ll expect to talk to you later Art, I want to hear more of your opinions.

  Art – I look forward to sharing what I know, or pretend to know. Do you want me to make it sound deep and inspired? Or do you prefer open and honest?

  Liz – Open and honest, it’s easier and more helpful that way.

  Art – Are you sure? Because given some time I can actually sound like I have a clue what I’m talking about. It’s not as useful per-say, but it sounds a lot better if you ever decide that you need a quote for a newspaper advertisement. You could have a picture of a handsome male model smiling and giving a thumbs-up sign with the line ‘Art says: this stuff is terrifatastic!’

  Liz – I’m sure. I need some feedback on my work, and mother isn’t saying anything but ‘mmmmm hmmmm, I like that’ and ‘no no no no, that would never sell Darling.’ So far my mother is the only person who I’ve talked to about it, and she only thinks about my work in a monetary fashion. It’s hard to grow without any criticism to help me light my way.

  Art - Terrifitastic, the best parts of terrific and fantastic all rolled into one super term. I think I’m actually going to use that from now on. Terrifitastic. That’s terrifitastic baby! I’m feeling especially terrifitastic today. I love the sound of that…

  Liz – Art?

  Art – Terrifia…Oh yes, criticize I shall, but as before stated, I know not art. My world is full of playing with electricity while trying not to get electrocuted. But for you, I’ll do my best and try to be helpful.

  Liz – Thank you Art. I’m going to find my mother now and see how the show is going through her eyes. And too get something to drink. Not necessarily in that order. See you later Jim. (Walking away)

  Jim – I’ll catch up to you later Liz. Oh, by the way Gene wants to talk to you.

  Art – Does our beloved Eugene have something in mind?

  Jim – Dad, its Gene…

  Art – A stupid question on my part. More precisely then, what does he have in mind?

  Jim – He didn’t say. And he wasn’t in the mood to be pressed. So be on the lookout for Gene, he seems to have been a little preoccupied with whatever he needs to talk with you about.

  Art – He wasn’t in trouble was he?

  Jim – I don’t think so, he didn’t seem to excited, just anxious to talk to you.

  Art – Ah well, I guess I’ll find out soon enough. Back to the business at hand, your brother Johnny.

  Jim – What about him?

  Art – Johnny seems to be slipping further away from us.

  Jim – How do you mean? He’s never been all that close To anyone in the family.

  Art – That is indeed true. What I mean is that his grades have fallen from bad to worse. I got a call from the school the other day, they informed me
that he has been playing hooky often as of late. He even seems to be angrier than usual.

  Jim – I’ve noticed that he’s been in a worse mood than normal, but what do you want me to do about it? He doesn’t like me any more than he likes the rest of the world. I can’t think of anything I can really do for him.

  Art – Maybe not, maybe not. He may hate us all for all eternity, but I’m going to try anyway. I can’t just let him waste away like this. I’ll do my best by him. That is about all I can offer him. It’s all I could ever offer him, and it was never enough, your mother saw to that. I failed him as a father so far. We’ve all failed him. The entire world, even God. It’s no real wonder why he’s so damn angry with us all. I just hope we can reach to him before he decides to get revenge on life for the lot he has been cast. I don’t know how I would try to reach him in your place. Just try.

  Jim – As I said, I’ll do what I can. But I think he’s going to either end up dead in an ally or in a psycho ward somewhere. He still hates mother with all his being.

  Art – She really messed him up, but hopefully we can help him let go, and then heal. If we can’t help I’m afraid he might have to go see a psychiatrist.

  Jim – He still has the letter.

  Art – What?

  Jim – He still has mom’s letter.

  Art – How do you know that? Have you seen it? I thought I burned the damned thing.

  Jim – Every now and again I hear him repeating it to himself. If he doesn’t have it, he memorized it really quickly.

  Art – Your brother is intelligent enough to do that. Damn, he’s in worse shape than I thought. How do I keep misreading the situation over and over? Damn! Damn! Damn!

  Ned – Um, excuse me sir, but there are children here, would you please mind your language in front of them. We need to set a good example as adults.

  Art – Yes I will, if you’ll promise to set an example by minding your business.

  Ned – Sir, there is no need to be rude, it was just a simple request for some common courtesy.

  Art – You’re correct, there is no reason to be rude, and this is hardly the place for obscene language. I just have other things on my mind this day, but I will try to watch what I say. I humbly apologize for my rudeness.

  Ned – No hard feelings. Personal problems eh?

  Art – Personal problems. I apologize once again. And now I return to my problems.

  Ned – Excuse me, but I might be able to help you.

  Art – Might you now? How would you manage that?

  Ned – With a simple word of wisdom. One that always helps me in my time of need.

  Art – Well don’t keep me waiting, what is this comforting piece of wisdom to which you hold the secret?

  Ned – It’s not a great secret, just some people seem to forget it.

  Art – You have my curiosity peaked, would you care to inform me of this oft forgotten knowledge.

  Ned – It’s quite simple. I can put it into three small words. Jesus loves you.

  Art – That’s it?

  Ned – So simple isn’t it?

  Art – A bit too simple.

  Ned – What do you mean?

  Art – Well you dangled me on a hook for all that time, only to build up the suspense for your great cure-all concept and then feed me with some nonsense about faith. Telling me that I am unconditionally loved by that a man several centuries dead is supposed to cure all my ills? How does that work?

  Ned – When you realize that Jesus loves you, you will know that all of life’s problems can be overcome by faith in God, that is how it helps. And if you take Jesus into your heart, then God will know that you are ready to receive his help and you will be saved from hell. All human discomfort is just a test of strength to sort out the unworthy and separate the wheat from the chaff. All humans really need in life is faith!

  Art – Humans don’t need than faith. Faith is just a crutch to lean upon. A way to convince yourself that there is some reason for all the pain and humiliation. Rather than grasping reality and actually doing something to help the world, people with faith just wait for luck to see them through.

  Ned – What is it we need then?

  Art – All people need is love and happiness. That’s it. Some happiness you can find on your own, without love. Some of the best kind of happiness comes from love. Not the distant love of a remote God, but a personal love. Love of other people, or love of life. How ever you find Love doesn’t matter, because happiness comes with it. You don’t need faith in God to find either.

  Ned – What a sad life you live, I hope you one day overcome your confusion, and you finally see the light. I will pray for your soul. God bless you.

  Art – You’re a lunatic aren’t you? I never really would have guessed until that last comment of yours. I know a lot of religious people and most of them are fairly accepting of other people’s beliefs. They usually don’t try to scare people into line. Well anyways go ahead and pray, I doubt that it will do much good, but whatever, have fun with praying for my soul and so forth. Oh, while you’re at it, pray for my dog’s soul, I don’t think he believes in Jesus either.

  Ned – I will pray for you, and I will have my church pray for you as well. You are truly lost, but God hasn’t given up yet. Now I see why I was compelled to come to this sinful affair. Have faith, obviously He has not forgotten you, and is even now trying to reach out. It is true the lord works in mysterious ways. (walks away)

  Jim – I hate when that happens.

  Art – That was the first time for me. Did it happen to you before?

  Jim – Not to me particularly.

  Art – What does that mean?

  Jim – I was around someone else when it happened to him.

  Art – Who and when?

  Jim – It was Gene, during his ‘protesting God’ phase, when he would stand outside churches with a sign that said ‘God sucks’ or something like that.

  Art – I remember that. I’m glad he finally grew out of it. Though he chose an odd thing to move on to.

  Jim – Odd to an outsider, perfectly understandable to someone who really knows him.

  Art – Yeah, but to go from protesting God, to joining a church within a matter of weeks is rather an extreme turn-around even for our Gene.

  Jim – If it had to do with religion I would agree.

  Art – If not religion why did he join a church.

  Jim - Why does Gene do most anything?

  Jim & Art – The attention.

  Art – How did he get attention from a church group? Or at least the kind he enjoys?

  Jim – Well I think it all started at one of his protests. A group of college kids came up to him and started with something like that guy just did. Then instead of leaving they started singing hymns praising God and Jesus and stuff.

  Art – How did that ‘convert’ Gene?

  Jim – I think I missed that part. I wandered off to get something to drink, it was going to be a long day, and I was thirsty. So I left him and walked down the store. I was only gone for about 30 minutes or so and the next thing I know when I came back Gene is talking with these people about God and Jesus and eternal salvation and stuff. He’s nodding along, and looking as if he is really interested in eternal damnation. They lead him inside to talk more, and I don’t see him for several days.

  Art – I thought I kept up with the wild and wacky adventures of Gene, but I don’t remember any of this happening.

  Jim – It was during the divorce. Gene’s response was to protest God.

  Art – He is a creative kid, too bad his energies aren’t focused to a better cause. If he’d apply himself he would make a fantastic fiction writer. Ah well, Gene is Gene, doubtful that he would ever change. How long before we get to the punch-line?

  Jim – Not to long now, he couldn’t hold out long under the pressure. Even pretending to be strait-laced was hard on Gene, he actually had to cut
his hair and look ‘respectable’

  Art – Was I really that out of it during the divorce? Gene cut his hair and actually wore nice clothing. I think I would have noticed that Jimbo, are you trying to pull one on me?

  Jim - This all actually happened, and you were out of it, you forgot to pay the bills for three months, and if you recall you wouldn’t take the time to eat unless either Gene, Liz or I brought you something and nagged till you finished it.

  Art – Ah yes, food the fuel for life. It doesn’t seem all that important to eat when your world is falling apart. How long did it take for Gene to finally snap?

  Jim - He started spending a lot of time hanging out at their church doing bible lessons. He actually applied himself to it, and was pretty good at debating the bible and other religious topics in just a couple of months. Gene turned Conservative Christian, it was kind of scary for several months. After about three or four months of taking bible lessons they decided to baptize him.

  Art – Three months without offending the entire group and getting him-self kicked out? I am indeed impressed by Gene’s willpower, I didn’t know he even possessed that much. He didn’t last much longer did he?

  Jim – (shaking his head) No. At his baptism. Well I thought he was going through with it, he had me convinced. I thought he was for real and for true going to join that church.

  Art – That boy could make a fantastic actor one day. If he doesn’t wind up in prison. Or dead.

  Jim – I think God likes him. Which ever God is out there. That God likes Eugene.

  Art – At that I can only wonder why.

  Jim – I think it’s because Gene just doesn’t give up. Either that or he just keeps God amused with his foolishness.

  Art – Jim, that’s not true. He gives up all the time. When was the last time he actually saw one of his schemes through to the end?

  Jim – His little plans are nothing. If one fails he tries something else. The schemes are just a part of his bigger goal of making a huge nuisance of himself and not getting killed while doing it.

  Art – Wonder how much longer he will be able keep on chasing that goal.

  Jim – Well, if he keeps his God’s favor, Gene will be annoying people until he’s one hundred and ten. (Eugene enters and Jim sees him, Jim wave’s Gene over) Ah, speak of the devil.

  Eugene – Jim I need to talk with Art.

  Jim – You said that earlier.

  Eugene – It’s kind of personal.

  Jim – I see. I’ll be over there. Talk to you later dad.

  Art – Indeed kiddo, we have some subjects yet to cover.

  Eugene – Thanks Jim. (Jim walks away, sits down and pulls out sumo assassin and starts reading)

  Art – Alright, what do you need this time Gene?

  Eugene – I don’t know how to begin…

  Art – You don’t need money again do you?

  Eugene – No, no, I just made some cash.

  Art – Legally?

  Eugene – Of course, I’m not a goddamn thief.

  Art – I wasn’t aware you had a job, and besides some of the schemes you’ve come up with haven’t exactly legal.

  Eugene – I did a little bit of a modeling job.

  Art - (roars with laughter) You? A model?

  Eugene - Yes, I did some modeling. What’s so funny about that.

  Art – Gene, sometimes you’re like another son so I hate to say this. You’ve not exactly got the good looks necessary to be a successful model in the ordinary sense. What were you modeling for?

  Eugene – I’d rather not talk about it.

  Art – That’s not what I think it means, does it? There’s no need to get into that…

  Eugene – It wasn’t anything bad, just embarrassing.

  Art – We all have to do embarrassing things for money from time to time, it beats starving to death. But you shouldn’t have to starve to death yet, you’re always welcome at our home.

  Eugene – That’s what I wanted to talk to you about Art.

  Art – What do you need? Are you planning on moving out?

  Eugene – Umm, no. It’s kind of hard, ummm. Damn, I’m not sure how to say it.

  Art – Take your time and think of it, there isn’t any hurry.

  Eugene – I thought you needed to talk to Jim.

  Art - It can wait for a few more minutes, it’s been waiting for years now. I should have talked to him about it a few years ago. Kids grow ups so damn fast, and there’s never enough time.

  Eugene – I think I have it.

  Art – Alright let’s have it then.

  Eugene – Art, will you adopt me as your own?

  Art –Uh?

  Eugene – I asked if you would adopt me into the family.

  Art – I heard you, I was just a bit surprised by the request. I was expecting that you would need me to testify for your character. Besides we’ve pretty much adopted you already. You live in our house most of the time, remember?

  Eugene - I meant a legal adoption. The court thing. God I hate that place.

  Art – You seem to spend a lot of time there. Might I ask why?

  Eugene – it’s a conspiracy against me. Besides wearing camouflage doesn’t make you invisible like I thought, it just makes you a little harder to pick out when you’re in the forest.

  Art – No, no boy. I mean, why do you want to be adopted? You’re already a member of the family as is, the adopting process is just a formality.

  Eugene – I can’t explain it. I just don’t want to be related to Jerry anymore. I want him out of my life for good. This is the best way I can think of.

  Art – You’ll always be related to Jerry, he’s your father. When was the last time you saw him anyways.

  Eugene – Don’t call him that damn it. As far as I’m concerned he isn’t my father. I hate that man. Hate. God I hope he dies soon. Then I can dance on his grave.

  Art – You still haven’t answered my questions, when was the last time you saw him, and what good will legally adopting you do?

  Eugene – I haven’t seen him in I think five years now. I don’t think he’s left the house since I was ten. All the better if he never does. All the better if that house burns down while he’s still inside in some sort of drunken stupor. It would solve a lot of problems, but then I couldn’t dance on his grave. I want you guys to legally adopt me as a symbol. That’s all it could ever be. You’ve pretty much been my family since mom left. It would…I dunno, it would let me move on, help me to move on I guess. Please.

  Art – We’ll see what we can do, guess we should let the rest of the family know, I wish I knew how John was going to take it, probably not well.

  Eugene – (Hugs art)Thank-you Art.

  Art – No problem Gene. Just a couple things I would like you to do though.

  Eugene – What do you need? I’ll do what I can. As long as I don’t have to deal with Jerry.

  Art – Nothing of the sort, these are pretty simple. First, I want you to stay out of trouble. No evil schemes or taking over the world and so forth, either go back to school or come work for me, which ever works best for you, just keep your nose clean. Can you do that?

  Eugene – I can try, but what if there…

  Art – No, just behave yourself, I know you know how. Do we have a deal?

  Eugene – I’ll do my best. Old habits die hard, but I’ll be good. What was the other thing you wanted?

  Art – Good, the second thing was just some information.

  Eugene – What sort of information?

  Art – Jim was telling me about your stint with Christianity…

  Eugene – Oh damn.

  Art - …But he never got to finish the story. Would you fill me in on what happened during your ‘baptism’? I know you gave a speech, but Jim never got into that.

  Eugene – All I said is what I felt, that God doesn’t exist. And then I called them all suckers.

  Art –
Jim did say they almost lynched you. I can see why.

  Eugene – Well that just stunned them. The mob didn’t form until after I dropped my pants and mooned them.

  Art – I understand their annoyance, boy sometimes you don’t have much sense. You’re going to have to learn to control those impulses of yours. How did you escape?

  Eugene – That’s a longer story than the other one. The short of it, is that I ran until I passed out in somebody’s back yard. And they didn’t catch me. I ended up not going anywhere for a couple weeks until I could grow a beard and dye my hair. I think that they’re still looking for me.

  Art – A lot of your stories seem to end like that.

  Eugene – Yeah they do, but I feel that running till I pass out and then hiding in a basement for a month, is a better way to end a story than ‘they tore my arm off and beat me with it’. Less pain, and the running is how I manage keep slim.

  Art – I’ve seen you eat two entire large pizzas, and then sit down on the couch and watch television until you fall asleep and not gain a pound, exercising can’t be much of a consideration for you.

  Eugene – Where did you think I burned off all those pizza calories? The Gym? Ha! I run, a lot, it’s kept me out of trouble on more times than I can count.

  Art – Well considering you can only count to ten that fact doesn’t impress me all that much.

  Eugene – Funny.

  Art – Yes it was. Well, it was an interesting story. Don’t do it again or ill hand you over to your intended victims.

  Eugene – I said that I’d behave myself Art.

  Art – Good, I just want to make sure you remember that you said so. Well I have to go find Jim again and finish my conversation with him. I’ll see you later Gene.

  Eugene – Bye art, and thanks again.

  (Eugene and Art separate, Eugene walks off stage, Art starts looking for Jim and looking at the show, he keeps walking an looking around until Karen asks him a question)