Three Plays

by Mike Sutton

  Karen – Excuse me sir, but is this the Lady Elizabeth Exhibit?

  Art – Is that what they called it?

  Karen – What do you mean?

  Art – Last I had heard they hadn’t decided on a name. Yes this is Elizabeth Struan’s show, assuming that is what you’re looking for.

  Karen – Yes, that’s the one.

  Art – Well you’ve found it, feel free to fill out the critique form when you’re done, she enjoys hearing what others think of her work.

  Karen – Where are they at?

  Art – Over there by the exit, pens and all. The pens are free supplied by the gallery, so make sure you snag one as a souvenir.

  Karen –I might do that. Thank you.

  Art – (turns to leave and search for Jim) Any time for a pretty young woman.

  Karen – Do you work for Elizabeth Struan?

  Art – No, I don’t even work at this gallery. I repair electrical appliances and the like. A simple television repairman am I.

  Karen – Are you one of her fan’s then?

  Art – I never really thought about that. I enjoy most of her work when I see it, but I’m not really interested in art or artists. I guess I’m one of her fans though.

  Karen – Are you some sort of dirty old man?

  Art – Well you know I usually don’t try to be. Why do you ask? Have I come across as one?

  Karen – You claim that you’re not an art fan. You don’t work for Miss Struan, and you’re not a family member. Yet you’re here. And you seem to know a lot about Elizabeth and her artwork. It gives me the distinct impression that you are an obsessed fan.

  Art – I never thought of it like that. I don’t really feel that comfortable with the title of ‘obsessive dirty old pervert.’ It makes me feel as if I’m getting on in years.

  Karen – How about we just shorten it to pervert?

  Art – Noooo, that doesn’t feel right to me either.

  Karen – Then what would you prefer Mister?

  Art – Well, it’s a bit of a mouthful, but a bit more accurate than ‘dirty old perverted man’ or whatever. I mean ‘dirty old pervert man’ sounds a lot like a super villian’s name or something, and I don’t really think that I could be considered a super villain by any stretch of the concept. On top of that there is the ‘old’ part, I’m not really that old, I’m only forty-two years old, which may seem ancient beyond belief to a beautiful young woman such as yourself, but when you get to my level, well, it just kind of is how old you are. It doesn’t feel much different than when I was in my twenties or thirties, well I’m in better shape now, which isn’t saying much, I was kind of a nerd back then and didn’t do much exercising…

  Karen – Get on with it.

  Art – Ah yes, where was I?

  Karen – You were eventually going to inform me what you feel I should call you.

  Art – I prefer Art. It’s my name. Well short for Arthur.

  Karen – I mean your replacement for ‘pervert’. Something to explain why you, a man self-professed to not being interested in art, is so knowledgeable about Miss Struan.

  Art – Ah yes, well how about ‘Father of Elizabeth’s best friend’? It doesn’t really roll off the tongue like ‘Art’ does, on the other hand Art is rather harsh itself. Art. Art. My God, my name sounds like a sound that a dog makes. Wonder why I’ve never noticed before.

  Karen – Do you always behave in such a bizarre manner?

  Art – Only on even days, on odd days I’m rather mundane and dull.

  Karen – I take it that today is an even day then.

  Art – It seems to be, let me double check. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Today is Saturday correct?

  Karen –Um I think so. Yes it is.

  Art – Well damnation, I seem to be off my schedule. I wonder how I did that. Well, guess I’ll just have to put off being bizarre until later. I hope you don’t mind too much.

  Karen – I don’t mind at all. Actually since you know Elizabeth, do you think you can give me a tour of the show?

  Art – I suppose I can, but be warned, I’m not exactly the most ideal person to give you this tour. By the way, what is your name?

  Karen – Oh I’m sorry, I’m Karen Smith, I’m a law student in a small school downstate.

  Art – Oh, a lawyer to be. Both smart and pretty. My name is Art by the way, Arthur Trelain.

  Karen – Pleased to meet you Arthur. If you don’t mind, why do you feel that you won’t be a good tour guide?

  Art – Well aside from the most important fact that I know next to nothing about art, I also tend to ramble on in strange directions when I make speeches. And unless you want to here me go off about how the tiles on the floor clash with the paintings, well you may just wish for better company.

  Karen – I don’t mind the rambling, at least if you let me get a word in edgewise to stop you.

  Art – Well, I’ll try. Where shall we start?

  Karen – Why don’t we start with your favorite piece of Elizabeth’s?

  Art – That would be difficult, since that particular honor is taken by her rendition of Dog’s Playing Poker.

  Karen – She did a version of Dogs Playing Poker?

  Art – She did indeed, put her own little spin on it.

  Karen – Where is it? We should start there.

  Art – That’s the problem, it’s handing from the wall in my living room. She gave it to me as a birthday present a couple years ago. It was all done in spray paints. It looks fantastic, in my opinion. Tell you what, why don’t we just start here, with this painting.

  Karen – It’s breathtaking. What’s it of?

  Art – I don’t know, I never got a chance to ask her about it. If I had to guess, I’d say it was a landscape of the planet Mars at sunrise.

  Karen – Oh, here’s the explanation. It’s called ‘A Weekend in Nirvana’ and is the artist’s idea of what Heaven might feel like. How odd.

  Art – No, this is normal.

  Karen - How is it normal?

  Art – Oh, you were referring to the painting. Sorry, I thought you were talking about me again. What is odd about that painting?

  Karen – Well, it seems like most people would paint what they think Heaven would look like, clouds and angels and harps and buildings that look like Greek Temples. People don’t usually touch on what it might feel like. That painting looks bright and warm, I like it. It also looks soft, it doesn’t hurt the eyes, not like that one over there.

  Art – That one does look violent, like a natural disaster, a volcano or something. Both beautiful and deadly. It’s really bright and painful with all those oranges and reds. And the swirls, it’s like chaos. I tend to get the feeling that this is Liz’s version of the big bang.

  Karen – I could see that. What about this box here? It looks like it’s just a bunch of broken pottery.

  Art – That I have not a clue. Is there a marker on it somewhere?

  Karen – Yes, there is.

  Art – What does it say?

  Karen – It’s called The Importance of Bubble Wrap. The explanation explains that it is the artist’s trip of self discovery with other mediums, including the written word. Really makes you think doesn’t it, she must be a genius, to go and do something like that. To take the mundane and make it art.

  Art –She just dropped some pottery down the basement stairs when she was trying to put it into storage. She just salvaged that mistake as best she could.

  Karen – You sure did take the magic out of that fantasy.

  Art – I had to hear about it for weeks after it happened. Some of the words she used weren’t very magical, at best they could have been described as explicit. I wasn’t even aware that she new some of those words. I must say some of the combinations she used were quite imaginative.

  Karen – Were they? I think I’d like to hear them then, too bad you can’t get away with calling that art.

  Art
– Why couldn’t you?

  Karen – The censors would have a conniption. Then all to them all the parental groups tearing their hair out and protesting. It would be pure chaos.

  Art - Some people say that there isn’t any such thing as bad publicity. Besides, she could just call it a performance piece, as someone who has seen the show already, that girl performs when she curses. It’s a sight to see, I just can’t tell whether it’s a natural wonder or a natural disaster. One thing is for certain, someone will have to put a rating for the content on the posters and ads. I’m thinking that nobody 17 and under should be allowed within a mile of the show.

  Karen – Content rating, it’s just a form of censorship.

  Art – I disagree, as a parent I find that it is a valuable tool to keep me informed of what will be in the shows and movies my kids watch.

  Karen – How strict are you with what they watch?

  Art – Not at all, they can watch what-ever they want to.

  Karen - Then what good do the ratings do you then?

  Art – They give me the heads up so I know what I don’t want to watch. Sometimes the boys invite me to go see movies, and I want to know what I’m getting into before I agree. I mean, sometimes the names lie, but if you ever see version of Hamlet rated Adults Only, well then you know that they went off the beaten path a bit with their interpretation.

  Karen – An adult rated version of Hamlet, I wonder if that has been done yet.

  Art – My wife took me to see one when we were dating. I think it scarred me for life.

  Karen – Your wife took you to that? She must be adventurous. Is she here? I’d like to meet a woman like that, she must be very interesting.

  Art – Sorry, she isn’t here. Last I heard, she was on her way to a convent in Switzerland. At least that is what she said in the letter.

  Karen – Oh my god…

  Art – That was right after she told myself and our two sons that we were evil sinners and that we were going to hell. That and she hated us for tainting her so.

  Karen – I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…

  Art – What for? It happened several years ago.

  Karen –I didn’t mean to drudge up old pain.

  Art - Ah, it still does hurt a little. It’s not often that your wife of fifteen years tells you that she hates you and you’re going to hell, and the on top of that goes to become a Nun.

  Karen – I shouldn’t have been so nosey.

  Art – Bah, it’s ok, I enjoy talking to you, besides it could have been worse.

  Karen – How could have it gotten worse than that?

  Art – She could have told me that I was evil incarnate and that I turned her into a lesbian. I don’t know how long it would have taken to have gotten over that. If ever.

  Karen – (laughing) That is almost the exact same thing happened to my cousin. Well, she didn’t tell him that he was evil, just inadequate. And that after living with him, she decided that men weren’t for her. He never lived it down. Nobody in the family would let him live it down. We teased him all the time about it.

  Art – Has he shot himself yet? Or someone else?

  Karen – Not yet. Actually last I heard he was married again and they have two kids.

  Art – Well he seems to have bounced back from all the pain and humiliation, he must be a resilient young man.

  Karen – Well, he did leave the home first. He had to get away from not only the family, but the community. He comes from a small town, and everyone knew what happened. I think he married a girl from Russia, one of those mail-order brides. I think that she was desperate to get out of Russia. The terrible poverty and such just made her desperate to get out of the country.

  Art – Well as long as she’s pretty. Other wise, well I can’t imagine that he has much self-confidence left.

  Karen – I’ve seen a couple of pictures, she isn’t.

  Art – Stay in Russia and have no foreseeable future, or come to the United States and marry a stranger who just happens to turn out to be a contributor to the growth of the lesbian community. I wonder what would happen to the poor man if she decided to go back to Russia as a lesbian.

  Karen – I don’t know, I hope it never happens to him, my family would make his life hell if they ever found out.

  Art – A good reason to stay away from them. I haven’t seen much of my family in years, those people are nuts. They’re bizarre on the odd days as well as the even. That and a rift opened between us about my wife. I found that I preferred her company over that of my family.

  Karen – And then she left you.

  Art – Yep, and she called evil-incarnate. Ignoring my family was one of the reasons she sited. If it hadn’t of happened to me, then the irony would have had me rolling on the floor laughing my ass off.

  Karen – Embarrassing things are so much funnier when they happen to strangers. It always hurts when they happen to you, and some other jerk finds it funny.

  Art – Isn’t life grand. I’m feeling a might thirsty, would you care to join me over some coffee?

  Karen – That is cliché.

  Art – Give me some time, it’s been a while since I asked a girl out. I’ve forgotten a lot of my old lines, besides I don’t really need to break the ice, we’ve been talking for a while now.

  Karen – You’re not going to try to steal my soul or something are you?

  Art – Only if you ask nicely, but I think it will have to wait until after the coffee. (both head off stage together)

  Scene 3

  Later in the evening at Liz’s art show, but all the people are gone now, and most of the extra exhibit lights have been turned off. Jim is sitting on the floor still reading his comic book and a paper sack, waiting.