Learning to Love Again

by Chrissie Loveday

  ‘I don’t think I’ll have much influence, actually.’

  ‘Don’t tell me you two have had a tiff?’

  ‘Too complicated to discuss here. Have you got my list?’

  * * *

  When Joe came in, he went straight to her room and sat on her desk.

  ‘How are you? Glad to be back?’

  ‘I guess so. But nothing’s really changed, for us I mean. I still feel as if I’m married to Ben, however awful he was. Is. What do you think he’ll do? His parents have to be told.’

  ‘Not your job. It’s up to him now. I’m sure he’d have to give you a divorce.’

  ‘I’ve got a patient coming in. I’m sorry, Joe. However much I wanted you, everything’s changed now. It’s over between us. It has to be. For Holly’s sake as well.’

  ‘I won’t give up, you know. Never.’ He left her staring after him.

  ‘I do love you, Joe,’ she whispered as tears were forcing their way from her eyes. She blinked them away and went to call in her patient.

  When she returned home that evening, she failed to notice there was a car parked in the lane near the house. She played outside with Holly for a while and the little dog from next door came to join them in the garden. They threw balls for him and he bounded round, yapping with excitement. Holly made little yapping noises too and they all laughed.

  ‘Man,’ Holly called, pointing at the fence. Anna saw a movement and a trickle of fear went through her. She bravely crossed the garden and looked over. She saw a red car drive away but it was too quick for her to get the number. She felt unnerved and they went back inside.

  ‘I don’t know who it could have been,’ Anna told her aunt. ‘But I felt uncomfortable. As if I were being spied on.’

  ‘Perhaps it was just someone walking their dog. The track goes down to the woods.’

  ‘Maybe. But you should keep your doors locked when I’m not here.’

  When she came home the next evening, she saw a red car parked in the lane again and went to see if there was a driver.

  ‘Hello, Anna,’ a voice said from behind her, as she peered inside the empty car. A shiver ran down her spine. She swung round, frightened out of her wits. She stared at the familiar figure with a face she almost didn’t recognise.

  ‘Ben?’ she whispered. ‘Ben?’ It was like seeing a ghost. How many times had she longed for this moment, an impossible moment, or so she had believed for three years. Now, here he was standing in front of her. ‘Ben?’ she said again, disbelievingly.

  ‘You’re looking well, Anna.’

  ‘You awful, awful man! Have you any idea what you’ve done to me? The absolute agonies you have put me through?’

  ‘It wasn’t ever meant to hurt you.’

  ‘How can you possibly think that? You put me into huge debt. You took everything. And allowed me to grieve, thinking you were dead.’

  ‘I didn’t leave you with nothing. Not at all. You had my daughter. My beautiful little blonde daughter. I gave you something very precious.’

  ‘She’s my daughter. Mine alone. Nothing to do with you.’

  ‘You’re wrong you know. I’ve come back for you. For you both.’

  ‘Well you can clear off again. After what you did to me? To us? I’m going nowhere with you and you’re not having Holly. Not having anything to do with her.’ Her heart was pounding and her knees seemed to have turned to jelly but she managed to stay her ground.

  ‘Oh, but you’re wrong. Any court will allow me access. I can claim that I’ve been suffering from amnesia. After all my traumas, getting lost at sea. Head injury during a storm. Got blown off course. Poor Ben. Couldn’t even remember his own name. But I can now, and I’m here. Ready to take up where we left off.’

  ‘Nobody will believe that. You were seen with your other woman, loading the boat for a trip. I’ll tell the police.’

  ‘Says who? You’re coming back with me. We’re going to start again, as a proper family.’

  ‘Rubbish. You can go back to your . . . to your other woman. Who ever she is.’

  ‘There is no other woman, darling. There was only ever you.’

  ‘Not what I heard.’

  ‘She’s gone. Didn’t know I was a family man. She upped and offed.’

  ‘But Joe said. . . ’

  ‘Oh yes. It was all thanks to the not so charming doctor friend of yours. She had never suspected a thing till he turned up. Doctor, eh? So you weren’t playing the grieving widow after all.’

  ‘How dare you. Just leave or I’ll call the police.’ Her voice shook with anger. Her emotions were running riot.

  ‘Why not? Call them. Call the police. I can tell them my story and how my ungrateful wife has been getting cosy with one of the local GPs while I was suffering from amnesia. Look good for your precious practice won’t it?’

  ‘I’m not worried about the practice. It’s Holly and me that I have to consider.’

  ‘Just think how much she’d enjoy living on a boat. And the Spanish climate is wonderful. All that sunshine.’

  ‘No, Ben. Never. I couldn’t ever go through that again when you found something else to grab your attention. You’ve simply no idea how much I suffered. You’ve ruined the past three years of my life. I’m never risking that again.’

  ‘HE’S STILL MY HUSBAND.’

  ‘Anna? Where are you?’ Lucy called. ‘Only we saw the car and were waiting for you to come in.’

  ‘I’m just coming,’ she shouted. ‘And you’re just going,’ she snapped at Ben.

  ‘I’ll call round later to meet my daughter and the most worthy Aunt Lucy. She’ll be pleased to see me, I’m sure.’ He got into the car and drove off.

  Trembling, Anna went inside. She put the chain across the door and went to check the back was locked.

  ‘What is it?’ Lucy demanded. ‘What’s wrong? And why are you locking the doors?”

  ‘Ben. Ben’s here. He was waiting outside for me. He wants to see Holly. He wants to take her away from me. Well, he says he wants both of us to go with him.’ There was a note of hysteria in her voice. She was still shaking.

  ‘I thought he might.’

  ‘But he can’t. I won’t let him,’ she almost screamed.

  ‘I think he should see her. You can’t really stop him and we don’t want an unpleasant court saga, do we? I think he should be allowed to see her, but only under our strict supervision. That way he won’t turn even nastier.’

  ‘I can’t believe this. I can’t believe it after all he’s done. How can you support him?’

  ‘I’m not supporting him. Not at all. I’m sorry to say it, but he is still your husband.’

  ‘He says he’ll be back later. Do you really think I should let him see Holly?’

  Lucy nodded. She went into the kitchen and brought Anna a mug of sweet tea. Holly followed her, clutching her beloved Mister Teddy.

  ‘Bin sleeping, Mummy.’ She came over for a hug and Anna lifted her on to her knee, holding her close. She was so precious. Nobody would ever harm a hair on her head, not as long as she had breath in her body. Lucy put the tea beside her. When the doorbell rang, she nearly knocked it over.

  ‘I’ll go,’ insisted Lucy. Anna held on tightly to her daughter and sat tensely, trying to hear who was there. To her relief it was Joe.

  ‘Hello, you two. My favourite ladies.’ Holly climbed down from her mother and rushed to Joe to be lifted high in the air. She cuddled into his arms and put her thumb in her mouth, totally content. ‘Is there something wrong?’ He looked at Anna’s white face, her blue eyes looking huge, tear filled as they were.

  ‘Shall we get some tea for Joe, Holly? Come and help me.’ Joe raised his eyebrows.

  ‘Ben’s turned up. Wants to see Holly and claims there is nobody else. No other woman. He wants us to go to Spain with him,’ she told him, her words tumbling out desperately.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous. He must be crazy to think you’d have anything to do with him. You wouldn’t? Would you?�
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  ‘He said he’d drag you into it and sully the good name of the practice. I don’t think Doctor Whittaker would be too pleased if there was any scandal.’

  ‘Hey now, hang on. What have we done that could cause any sort of scandal? Everyone knows you thought that Ben was dead. Besides, nothing has ever happened between us.’ His eyes were filled with concern and Anna longed to fall into his wonderfully comforting arms. But everything had changed now.

  ‘He is still my husband and he is Holly’s father.’

  ‘He gave up any rights to that when he sailed off. With another companion, don’t forget. Whatever he says, I definitely saw a woman with him.’

  ‘He says she went off when she discovered about the child. That it was your entire fault. He says he’s coming to see Holly later.’

  ‘Would you like me to stay around?’ How she longed to say yes but she knew it would provoke her . . . her husband. She forced herself to acknowledge the word.

  ‘I think that would only make matters worse.’

  ‘Oh hell, what have I done? I only took this course of action because I wanted to make sure you were free of him. I never dreamt all this might happen. I thought the chances of really finding him were so unlikely as to be ridiculous but it was a chance I needed to take. Now I’ve made matters a whole lot worse.’

  Anna stood and went to him. He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. His heart was racing, as he held the most precious woman he’d ever known. The woman he now feared he was in danger of losing. ‘Anna, oh Anna,’ he whispered into her hair. ‘I love you, Anna, with all my heart. I want you to be mine. Please be very careful what you do. And I beg you, come back to me safe and sound.’

  ‘Oh, Joe. I do love you, you know I do. But this whole situation prevents us from being together. I’m not sure I can go through with a divorce. For Holly’s sake.’

  ‘But you can’t stay with that man. After all he’s done to you? He’s unstable and he might even try to snatch Holly. He’d still leave you grieving, only this time it would be much worse. You’d be without your daughter.’

  With tear-filled eyes, she held on to this man, to whom she had at last admitted her love. Her voice shook as she spoke.

  ‘Every child has the right to know its father. And whatever sort of man he is, he is still her father. And I did love him once. Very much. He wasn’t always like this. He’s changed.’

  Joe sighed and turned away from her. He drew in his breath to speak again but thought better of it and turned away. His actions had turned everyone’s world upside down.

  ‘Joe,’ she whispered, but he had gone.

  * * *

  Trying to behave as normally as possible for Holly’s sake, she and Lucy had some tea and at last it was the child’s bedtime. Anna took her upstairs to bath her, wondering if they were to escape the threatened visit this evening. She jumped at every sound but managed to read a story to the little girl without interruption.

  ‘Mister Teddy, Mister Teddy,’ Holly chanted.

  Anna went to fetch the bear and saw a figure standing outside the door. The bell rang. Her heart pounding once more, she opened the door and let her husband into the house.

  ‘I hope I’m in time to see my daughter,’ he said.

  ‘She’s in bed. I’d rather you didn’t confuse her before she goes to sleep.’

  ‘Very well. Perhaps Lucy can find me a bed for the night and then I can see her tomorrow morning. I’m planning to be a big part of her life.’

  ‘Stay here? I don’t think so. I’m just going to take her teddy to her and then we’ll talk. I’ll tell Lucy you’re here. Please be careful not to upset her. She’s been unwell.’ She went into the kitchen to update her aunt on developments and took the teddy upstairs.

  Ben was still standing on his own in the hall when she returned. She led him into the sitting room. He was like a familiar stranger. She offered him a drink and he took it wordlessly. She poured one for herself, feeling in need of something to stabilise her racing emotions. It was more than a little strange to be standing in the same room as him after all this time. All the anguish of the past years. A weird, waking dream.

  How many times had she seen someone in a street and thought it was him? Only to feel bereaved all over again when it turned out to be someone else. And now, here he was standing right there in front of her as he had in so many dreams over the past three years.

  ‘You’re looking good, Anna,’ he said.

  ‘You too,’ she replied honestly, in a voice that shook. He was as handsome as she remembered him. It was with a shock that she recognised how little he had changed from the man she had once loved so much. The whole situation was almost too bizarre. She felt she was in some sort of dream.

  ‘I know sorry is meaningless. I think I was overtaken with some sort of madness. Flattered by the attention of a glamorous, younger woman. And I was terrified by the thought of losing everything. The business was collapsing and I didn’t dare tell anyone. Least of all you. But, enough of all the drama. I hope it isn’t too late for us. It’s a great life out there in Spain. Sun and sea. Holly would love it. You’d love it. Will you at least think about it?’

  She was incredulous. How could he even ask? ‘My life’s here, Ben. I have a job I love. I couldn’t leave Lucy now. After all I went through. The debts and everything. You left me with nothing. You’d cleared the bank. You’d taken out a second mortgage. Can you imagine the shock I had when I realised how much the monthly payments would be? And you’d even let the life policy lapse so I didn’t even have that to help me. As your body wasn’t found, we couldn’t do anything for months.

  ‘All the time I was being sick with the stress as well as the pregnancy. I was grieving for the husband I adored. I was forced to sell our lovely home. Then there was an inquest looming, which was even more hell to go through. I think you have the most colossal nerve even to think I might consider staying with you.’

  ‘I didn’t realise it was all so traumatic. I didn’t know anything about our baby. I thought you’d manage everything, as you always do . . . I’m sorry.’

  ‘Oh, you’re sorry. That makes it all fine then, doesn’t it? Your parents think it was all my fault anyway. I should have noticed you were unwell. I should have called the coastguards sooner. I shouldn’t have sold the house. You name it. They clearly hate me for what they think I failed to do for you.

  ‘How could you put them through it all? They adored you and your mother has been unwell ever since. Your father claims she has some sort of heart condition, brought on by your absence from their lives. But, despite everything, I suppose you are Holly’s father and you have a right to see her, but only under supervision. You may not take her out of this house nor be alone with her at any time.’

  ‘I suppose Lucy put you up to that.’

  ‘If you must know, it was Lucy who made me realise you do have a right to see Holly. Personally, I would never have let you anywhere near her.’

  ‘I assume you want a divorce? So you can be with your doctor?’

  ‘No. Whatever I feel about you, I can’t go through a divorce. I know that Joe and I can’t be together now.’

  Ben smirked at her words. She realised that she didn’t even like him any more. He wasn’t the idolised man she had thought he was. The idol had feet of clay. He was unfeeling insensitive and he had a nasty, mocking look in his eyes. How had he conned her all those years? She’d always considered herself a good judge of character. But she wasn’t. Not in Ben’s case. Unfortunately, he was still her husband and also Holly’s father, she reminded herself.

  * * *

  They talked for several hours. Lucy came in and spoke briefly but it was clear she didn’t want to spend any time with him. Despite her better judgement, she had agreed he could stay in the spare room for just one night, if he really had nowhere else to go. He promised he would leave soon after breakfast, once he had met his daughter. If he slept at all, Anna had no idea.

  She lay awak
e most of the night, thinking of what might have been and pondering over what was to be. She tried to remember the good times with Ben but always, his recent actions and what she had discovered about him, overrode everything and she knew she would never trust him again. Her heart was drawn to Joe, the man she knew she loved but could no longer have.

  * * *

  The meeting between Holly and her father was horrendous. Something she wanted to forget. Her daughter had thrown a huge tantrum and refused to speak to Ben. He’d tried to say he was her daddy but she pointed at the photograph insisting that was her daddy. She did not recognise his face from the picture, presumably because he had a beard. He offered to shave it off but Anna refused.

  ‘Want Joe. Want Joe,’ Holly yelled and threw her bowl of cereal over the floor.

  ‘It seems to me that this little lady needs some strong discipline,’ Ben announced. ‘She clearly has been spoiled.’

  ‘Don’t you dare criticise,’ Anna said coldly. ‘It’s your fault she’s behaving like this. What do you expect, arriving unannounced and demanding to take over? You could never expect Holly to accept you. Love and respect needs to be earned. Lucy, will you be all right? I’ll drop her off at nursery and then I must get to work.’

  Lucy agreed meekly that she was fine. ‘I want you to leave, Ben. Right away please.’ He held his hands up in mock surrender and left the room. It was some time later that she heard the front door slam and breathed a sigh of relief ‘I’ll collect Holly at lunchtime and bring her back here. You will keep the door locked, won’t you?’ He may have left for now, but she knew she hadn’t yet seen the last of him.

  Joe was waiting anxiously when she arrived at work, slightly late. She told him what had happened and he looked even more worried.

  ‘You actually let him stay under the same roof as you and Holly? Are you completely mad?’ She reassured him that all was well and that he had now left. ‘He won’t give up so easily. He’s mentally unbalanced. He has to be. Turning up and expecting everything to return to the way it had been before. Please be very careful.’

  She tried hard to concentrate on her work, but it was very difficult. She visited some of her new mums and for brief moments, was able to share their pleasure. Sandy and Jack had returned home and their little boy was being discharged later in the week. They were excited but nervous of their new responsibility. Anna reassured them and said she would be calling in each day once the baby was home.