Searching for You

by Jody Hedlund

  “Ah, Soph.” He stretched out a hand and brushed at the tears on her cheek before circling her shoulders. “Come here.”

  She didn’t resist as he tugged her against his chest. His arms curled around her and pulled her close. Tears welled up, needing release, but she fought them back. She’d had to bear the burden of caring for Nicholas and Olivia alone for so long that she didn’t know how to let someone share the load with her. Even so, her tears wet Reinhold’s shirt, and she let herself sink into him, into his comfort, into his kindness.

  After a little while she found herself telling him everything that had happened, starting with her failed afternoon visit to the Ramseys’, her decision to run away, and then all that had happened once she’d sneaked inside the house.

  He held her as she talked, quietly stroking her hair.

  “I need to get them out of there, Reinhold,” she whispered against his chest, settling in deeper, noticing the comfortable way his chin rested on top of her head. She closed her eyes at the gentleness of his fingers brushing against her hair and ear.

  “Running away again isn’t the answer,” he finally said.

  “I need to get away from here, and I’m taking the children with me.” Except that tonight she’d learned she wasn’t capable of getting the children away from the Ramseys on her own. She’d need assistance.

  She pushed back from his chest so that she was looking into his eyes. “Maybe you can help me—”

  “No, Sophie. I’m not helping you run away.” He studied her face in the moonlight. “The whole ride over to the Ramsey place, I kept praying I wasn’t too late to stop you. I don’t know what I would have done if you’d already left . . .”

  His voice contained a note of desperation that reached out to touch her lonely heart, the part of her that had felt unwanted for so long.

  “You’ve been gone for so long, and I can’t stand the thought of you being out there again without a home, without food, without anyone to take care of you.” He lifted his hand to move a strand of loose hair behind her ear.

  She was tempted to lean into his hand. She didn’t want to tell him that she would have missed him. That was too embarrassing to admit. Aside from not wanting to face the difficulties of living on the street again, she also wasn’t sure she was ready to leave the comfort and security that she’d found with the Duffs. She liked having her own room, a real bed to sleep in, and all the food she could eat. She liked Euphemia’s cheerful company. She even liked having honest work to earn her keep.

  But she would give it all up to make sure Olivia and Nicholas were safe and happy.

  “I can’t leave them with the Ramseys. I just can’t.”

  He sighed. “I know.”

  “Then what should I do?”

  He was quiet, studying her face as though he might find the answer there somewhere. “Maybe we can send a telegram to the Pooles and inform them of how the Ramseys are treating the children.”

  Sophie nodded, feeling the first plume of hopefulness all day. “Do you think they’ll make the Ramseys give the children back?”

  “It’s possible. Especially if we have another place where the children can go.”

  “Where?” she asked almost breathlessly. “Is there another place? Would Euphemia let the children live with me?”

  Her room was certainly big enough. The children could sleep on the beds, and she’d take the floor. There was enough food. She’d oversee them. Euphemia wouldn’t have to do anything.

  Reinhold shook his head. “She’d do it temporarily. She’s got a kind heart like that, but she couldn’t do it long term. Not with Stuart.”

  The rising hope inside Sophie plummeted. Reinhold was right. Stuart was not only demanding of Euphemia’s time and attention, but he was also sensitive and sickly. Even though Olivia and Nicholas were mostly well-behaved children, they would bring more noise and commotion to the home, which would make things worse with Stuart.

  “Isn’t there anyone else?” she asked, unable to keep frustration from coloring her voice. She sifted through all the people she’d met since coming to Mayfield. Certainly there was at least one family willing to take in two additional children. A neighbor. Someone who lived close by. Then she could offer to help care for the children.

  “You,” she said, sitting up straight. “They could live with you.”

  Reinhold shook his head again, and his expression remained grim. “No, Sophie. I can’t take care of Jakob decently. There’s no way I could ever handle two infants—”

  “I’ll come over every day to help.” A burst of excitement rippled through her. “I’m sure Euphemia will let me once I’m done with chores.”

  Reinhold’s handsome lips fell into a flat line. “It wouldn’t work. I don’t have much yet. I’m barely getting by as it is. That’s why I haven’t brought Silke and Verina out here yet.”

  “I’ll help with them too. This is the perfect solution, Reinhold. Don’t you see?”

  “No. Believe me, I’m not the solution.”

  “But you are,” she insisted. “Euphemia told me you’d thought about getting a couple of orphans—”

  “I didn’t consider it.” His voice was laced with exasperation. “And even if I had, I would have picked out older boys, not two young children who need a lot more attention than I could ever give.”

  “You always were the one to take care of your brothers and sisters, even when your mother was alive. And you helped take care of me and Marianne and Elise.”

  Reinhold’s back was stiff, and he stared straight ahead.

  “Please, Reinhold,” she pleaded. She had to make him understand what a brilliant plan this was. She reached for his hands and grasped them between hers. “I’m sure Jakob would help too.”

  The set of his jaw was stubborn, unyielding. “As an unmarried man, Reverend Poole might have allowed me to take older boys. But he won’t consider giving me two little children. If he takes them from the Ramseys, he’ll search for a proper home with both a mother and a father.”

  Sophie released a sigh as she realized he was right. Reverend Poole and the Children’s Aid Society didn’t have too many stipulations on families who took in children, yet they certainly wouldn’t look favorably on placing two children as young as Olivia and Nicholas with a single farmer. They’d want him to be married first.

  Married.

  What if Reinhold married her?

  For a moment, the idea was so ludicrous, so impossible, so impulsive she almost laughed aloud. But the thought of being in a position where she could adopt Olivia and Nicholas and finally make them hers sent shivers over her skin.

  If she was married, she’d never have to worry about losing them again. No one would be able to take them away from her. They would be her children and she’d be their mama. Forever.

  “I’m sorry, Sophie,” Reinhold said quietly. “I wish there was another way—”

  “There is.” Then she spoke the words before her mind could find all the excuses why she shouldn’t. “Marry me.”

  Chapter 14

  Reinhold examined Sophie, grateful for the bright moon that shone directly overhead, offering enough light to see every line in her pretty face and every flicker in her expressive eyes. Even with the earnestness mingled with desperation, he still wasn’t sure he’d heard her right.

  Had she just asked him to marry her?

  Her grip on his hands tightened. “If we’re married, then Reverend Poole won’t be able to say no to letting Olivia and Nicholas come live with us.”

  Yes, she had suggested marriage.

  He blew out a tight breath. This conversation with her was going from bad to worse. Her suggestion that he take care of the children had been bad enough. But now she wanted to add herself to the equation and live with him too?

  “Now hold on, Sophie.” He attempted to keep his mounting frustration out of his voice. “We can’t get married. That’s taking this too far.”

  “I know it’s a lot to ask of you,”
she said hurriedly. “To take care of me and Olivia and Nicholas. But I promise I won’t be a bother. And I promise I’ll do all the work of taking care of them.”

  “I don’t doubt your ability to care for them—”

  “I’ll help you with your farm. I’ve learned a lot from Euphemia already, and I can do more than you think.”

  “I’m sure you can, but that’s—”

  “If we’re married, then we can send for Silke and Verina. I’ll be there to take care of them too.”

  He released another exasperated breath. He needed to do something about Silke and Verina now that Elise had given birth to her baby. But marrying Sophie wasn’t the answer.

  In fact, Elise and Marianne would be mad enough with him when they discovered he’d found Sophie and hadn’t informed them. But if he married their little sister without consulting them, they’d be furious.

  “I won’t use you, Sophie.” He’d allowed himself to get caught up into an engagement with Marianne last summer because of wanting to provide for Silke and Verina. Thankfully he’d realized how selfish he was before it was too late. He wasn’t planning to make the same mistake now with Sophie.

  “Of course you won’t use me.” She looked at him much too earnestly. “Marriage will be a way we can help each other. You’ll be a father to Olivia and Nicholas, and I’ll be a mother to Silke and Verina.”

  “No. This is crazy. I can’t do it.” He extricated his hands from hers, took off his hat, and shoved his fingers through his hair. He wanted to tell her he had no intention of getting married, of subjecting a woman to his moods and anger. Yet the needs he’d experienced at the barn dance were still too keen, and she’d likely see right through his excuses.

  “Then there’s someone else after all, isn’t there? Someone you’re in love with, and you just don’t want to tell me.”

  “I meant what I said. There isn’t anyone. Still, that doesn’t mean you should be with me. You’ll find someone better and richer, like your sisters did.” He hadn’t been good enough for either Elise or Marianne. Maybe they hadn’t said so in words, but their actions had shown him well enough.

  “Don’t talk to me about my sisters,” she said, her voice growing hard. “I don’t ever plan to be like them.”

  He doubted Elise and Marianne would agree with her. Once they discovered Sophie was in Mayfield, they’d whisk her home and give her a life of advantage and comfort with everything she could ever want.

  They wouldn’t want her stuck with a poor farmer like him. How could he explain all that to Sophie? “Listen, Sophie,” he started. “We can’t be more than friends—”

  “Then we don’t have to share a bedroom,” she said. Even in the darkness, he could sense the flush that rose into her cheeks at her bold declaration.

  He squirmed and tried to think of how to respond.

  Before he could find the right words, she continued, “We’ll have a business partnership. I’ll be like hired help. You can pay me by letting Olivia and Nicholas live with us. And giving us your name so I don’t have to leave them ever again.”

  A business partnership? Could it work? He clearly needed the help around the farm. Even if Sophie didn’t toil in the fields with him and Jakob, she’d be able to tend the garden, the chickens and the pigs, and all the other chores such as laundering and patching clothes, cooking meals, and keeping the place tidy.

  “No,” he said more adamantly. Why was he even considering her proposal? He wouldn’t do this to her. He wouldn’t trap her into this kind of life, not when so much more was available to her. “I won’t marry you, Sophie. We have to find a different option.”

  “There are no other options,” she cried. “You’ll leave me no choice but to go back to the Ramseys and try to sneak the children out again.”

  “You can’t.” His heartbeat had barely begun to slow down from earlier when he’d glimpsed David Ramsey on his front porch, his rifle barrel glinting in the moonlight, pointed directly at Sophie.

  “You can’t stop me.” With a defiant shake of her head, she slid to the edge of the bench. Before he could grab on to her, she jumped down.

  The fear from earlier roared back into his blood. He’d almost lost her. He loathed to think what would have happened if she’d succeeded in getting the children away from the Ramseys, then snuck aboard the train and ridden away before he’d known she was gone.

  The truth was, she’d keep running and hiding for as long as she had to in order to stay with Olivia and Nicholas. He wouldn’t be able to do anything to stop her from leaving. He was helpless to prevent it. Helpless to keep her here. Helpless to keep her safe.

  Unless . . .

  He watched her walk away, her footsteps determined. There was only one way to ensure she didn’t run away again. “Sophie, stop.” He hopped off the wagon and chased after her. She hadn’t gone far, and at the sound of his voice, thankfully she halted. From behind, he captured her hand and wound his fingers through hers. Then he slowly rotated her so that she was facing him. “All right,” he said softly.

  “All right what?” she responded just as softly, a cautious note of hope in her voice.

  “Let’s get married.”

  She tightened her fingers against his and then lifted his hand to her lips and pressed a kiss there. The warm contours of her full lips near his knuckles flooded his middle with heat.

  “You won’t regret this,” she whispered, lowering their hands but still hanging on to him tightly.

  It was too late. He already did.

  The moment Reinhold pulled the wagon onto the path that led to the Duffs’, Sophie panicked. “Why can’t I go home with you? Why do I need to go back?”

  The road wound past the smokehouse and a storage shed, both of which seemed to grow faces in the dark and glare at her with accusation.

  She didn’t want to face Euphemia. Sophie doubted Euphemia would be angry with her for running away. During her short stay, she’d learned the dear woman was too kind and patient to get angry. But she was bound to be frustrated with Sophie for all the trouble she’d caused everyone tonight. And Sophie didn’t want to experience that. It was easier to avoid people than to bear the brunt of their disappointment and disapproval.

  “No, Sophie,” Reinhold said in an exasperated tone, one that made her feel as though he viewed her more as a child than a woman. “You can’t come live with me until after we’re married.”

  “Why does it matter?”

  “Because people will talk and assume the worst. And I don’t want to harm your reputation in this community.”

  His words halted her protest. She’d likely ruin his reputation too, and she didn’t want to do that.

  “I think we should be married as soon as possible,” she said. “Then when you send the telegram to Reverend Poole about Olivia and Nicholas, you can request that they come to live with us.”

  “I’ll ride into town tomorrow and make arrangements with the reverend.”

  “And send the telegram?”

  “Yes, and send the telegram.”

  She released a breath, trying to let go the anxiety over the children that had wormed inside her chest and burrowed there. But even with the new plan taking shape, she couldn’t expel her worry completely.

  She chanced a peek at Reinhold next to her on the bench. He’d been silent most of the way home. They’d stopped to retrieve her bag where she stowed it just outside of town. And they’d also ridden to the train depot to where apparently Lyle had been searching for her. Through it all, Reinhold’s mood had steadily darkened.

  “I’m sorry, Reinhold. I know this isn’t what you wanted.”

  When he didn’t contradict her, his silence pricked her heart. Even if this was an impulsive plan, now that it was set in motion, she could admit she liked the idea of being married to Reinhold. She certainly wouldn’t protest becoming Reinhold Weiss’s wife, even if under dire circumstances.

  She just wished he wanted it too, even if only a little. But apparently
he was doing this only for her and the children. He was noble enough that he’d do anything for her, like a medieval knight riding in to save the damsel in distress.

  However, she sensed the slightest angst would make him change his mind. That was another reason she didn’t want to encounter Euphemia. She had the feeling Euphemia wouldn’t approve of a marriage of convenience for the sake of getting the children. And Sophie didn’t want to give Euphemia the chance to talk Reinhold out of the marriage.

  “Thank you for being so sweet and willing to do this for me and the children. I promise I’ll do everything I can to make you happy.”

  “You don’t have to make me happy, Sophie,” he replied. “This isn’t about me.”

  “I know. But I still want to try.” Maybe she could eventually be a good enough wife that he would forgive her for making him marry her.

  As the wagon rumbled closer to the house, the front door opened and light cascaded out over the front lawn, revealing Euphemia and Barclay and the boys. They were awake. And waiting for her. Lyle perched on the porch rail, having ridden back from town well ahead of her and Reinhold with the news that she’d been found.

  She reached for Reinhold’s arm and didn’t realize she was trembling until her fingers made contact with him. “I can’t do this, Reinhold,” she said. “They’ll despise me now.”

  “They’ll be relieved to see you’re safe.”

  “But Euphemia. She’s been counting on my help. Once we’re married, she’ll be alone again.”

  “You’ll come back and help her whenever she needs it.”

  “Yes, you’re right.” She tried to take in a deep breath, but as the wagon came to a stop in front of the house, panic swelled again, especially as Euphemia hurried down the porch steps.

  Reinhold jumped down and rounded the wagon.

  “Thank the Lord, thank the Lord,” Euphemia called out.

  Sophie gripped the bench and let shame lash her. She’d run away from this woman without a good-bye or a thank-you. After all Euphemia had done for her, for all she’d given her, for the love she’d freely bestowed, Euphemia deserved so much more from her.