Searching for You

by Jody Hedlund

  “Yes.” She hefted Nicholas from the wagon and set him near his bag.

  Olivia finished climbing down and cautiously approached Nicholas.

  “How long can I stay?” he asked.

  Mrs. Ramsey clasped her hands in front of her before meeting Sophie’s gaze. “Forever.”

  Sophie’s heart ceased beating, and her lungs stopped working. Had she heard Mrs. Ramsey correctly?

  No one moved. The woman’s answer had apparently startled everyone, including Nicholas.

  “Your husband said something on Sunday that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about,” Mrs. Ramsey said in her soft-spoken tone. “I’ve only been his mother for a few weeks, but you’ve raised him for most of his life. You’re his real mother. You’re the one he talks about, the one he wants when he’s hurt and hungry and tired, the one he cries for at night. It’s clear how much you love him and how much he loves you.” She paused, her voice cracking. “With that kind of love, he doesn’t need me.”

  Nicholas was staring up at Mrs. Ramsey. He reached for her hand. She took it and braved a smile for him.

  “My husband claimed that Nicholas would forget about you and eventually come to see us as his real parents,” she continued. “But while we may need him, he doesn’t need us. He needs you. And he belongs with you.”

  Sophie’s throat constricted, and she couldn’t formulate a response. Instead, she nodded at Mrs. Ramsey, hoping her expression conveyed the depth of her gratitude. The woman was defying her husband by bringing Nicholas to her. She was putting herself at risk and would probably have to face her husband’s wrath upon her return home.

  “Will you be safe?” Reinhold asked, apparently coming to the same conclusion.

  “He’ll hear of my deed soon enough. By the time I return, I hope he’ll be resigned.”

  Sophie hoped so too. Mrs. Ramsey’s sacrifice showed just how much she’d grown to love Nicholas. She was willing to put the boy’s needs and happiness above her own. And for that, Sophie respected, even admired, the woman.

  Nicholas continued to hold Mrs. Ramsey’s hand, his eyes wide.

  He’d always been a sensitive boy and tried to please everyone. Even if he’d only been with the Ramseys for a month, Sophie could see he’d grown attached to Mrs. Ramsey in his own way and didn’t want to hurt her.

  As if sensing the boy’s inner turmoil, Mrs. Ramsey stooped and drew him into a hug. “You’re back where you belong.”

  She straightened and walked away from Nicholas. She climbed up onto the wagon bench, retrieved the reins, and clicked a gentle command to the horses. As the wagon started back down the rutted path away from the house, Mrs. Ramsey kept her focus straight ahead, her face stoic.

  Sophie didn’t have to guess the sorrow and heartache the woman was working hard to hide. She knew the pain intimately from having lived through it herself. Though she wanted to call out her thanks or even a simple good-bye, the best thing she could do for Mrs. Ramsey was to allow her to leave with her dignity intact.

  Nobody moved except to watch the wagon. When it finally disappeared from sight, Olivia started to cross to Nicholas. She smiled hesitantly at her brother.

  When he grinned at her in response, she sprinted forward as fast as her legs would carry her. She dragged him into an embrace. He wrapped his arms around her and clung to her as though afraid he might be forced to leave.

  Sophie broke away from Reinhold and rushed to the children. She grabbed them both in a hug and squeezed them. They wiggled against her hold and laughed. The sweet sound was more glorious than anything she’d heard in a long time. Only then did she feel the tears streaking her cheeks.

  With both children in her arms, she lifted her face heavenward and whispered a silent prayer of thanksgiving. All her striving had amounted to more messes and brokenness. When she’d finally stopped trying to fix everything, God had stepped in and started to piece things back together in His way—a way that was completely unexpected and better than anything she could have accomplished on her own.

  Chapter 25

  Reinhold lifted Nicholas’s grain sack and set it in the wagon next to Sophie’s. A peek inside had revealed carefully stitched little outfits, additional shoes and hats, as well as a comb, soap, and several other necessities.

  Mrs. Ramsey had been kind to send the boy away with so much. She could have delivered him with nothing more than the few garments he’d brought from New York.

  Sophie’s bag was fuller than when she’d arrived too. Euphemia had given Sophie some of her garments and shown her how to take them in to make them fit better. Among the soft lumps of clothing, Reinhold caught sight of the outline of the brass candle holder. The lampstand jutted through the thin fabric.

  He closed his eyes against the image, against the finality of her leaving. All morning he’d fought the pain away, but now it sliced into him like the blade of his scythe and threatened to topple him to the ground.

  Bending his head and attempting to suck in a breath, he grabbed the side of the wagon.

  “She doesn’t want to leave here.” Jakob spoke from the wagon bed where he’d been resting while Sophie and the children enjoyed their reunion.

  Reinhold straightened and met Jakob’s gaze. The boy’s eyes flickered with trepidation, and he held himself motionless as though fearing Reinhold might lash out.

  Jakob still feared him but was learning to have courage in the face of his fears. Was it time for Reinhold to do the same?

  He glanced to where Sophie sat in the grass with Olivia on one knee and Nicholas on the other. Her cheeks were still damp from her tears of joy, and she smiled with adoration at the two children, her fingers gently combing Nicholas’s hair as he chattered away. They’d been that way for the better part of an hour. He hadn’t wanted to interrupt them, had instead worked in the barn for a little while. But he supposed he couldn’t delay the trip to town any longer.

  Wearing the bright blue dress Euphemia had given her, she was especially fetching, her skin having taken on a honey color from her days spent in the garden and the farmyard. Her bonnet had come loose and now hung down her back, revealing golden hair the sun had bleached a shade lighter.

  Yet as beautiful as she was on the outside, he’d learned her inner spirit was more so. Even now, with the children on her lap, he could see that she was a loving, devoted, and sacrificial mother. He could picture her with half a dozen more children at least.

  Suddenly, more than anything, he wanted those children to be his. In fact, the thought of any other man fathering her children repelled him so that he had the urge to bend over and be sick. He couldn’t make sense of his reaction except to finally admit that he loved her. Desperately. He didn’t want to lose her, didn’t want to give her an annulment, and certainly didn’t want to hand her over to some other man.

  He wanted her all to himself. Forever.

  Releasing a shaky breath, he spoke to Jakob even while his sights were fastened on Sophie. “Take Olivia and Nicholas into the barn and play with them for a while.”

  Jakob scrambled out of the wagon bed. His brows rose above his questioning eyes.

  Reinhold wanted to tell his brother he needed time alone with his wife, but he suspected Jakob would understand without him having to spell everything out. “You can keep them occupied, can’t you?”

  A slow grin crept across Jakob’s face. “How long do you need?”

  “As long as possible.”

  Jakob bobbed his head, his grin turning somewhat silly.

  Reinhold started toward the house. “Sophie, I need to speak with you. In the house.” He didn’t wait for her reaction, didn’t want to give her the opportunity to turn him down and insist that they start to town. After the visit from Mrs. Ramsey, they were running late. And now taking the time to talk would make them even later.

  Behind him, he heard her murmur to the children.

  “Let’s go show Nicholas the kittens,” Jakob offered, which was followed by Olivia’s enthusiasti
c response and then Nicholas’s. Reinhold released a breath of tension and whispered a prayer of gratefulness for Jakob’s help and encouragement.

  Reinhold entered through the back door into the kitchen and moved directly to the stove where he busied himself by pouring a cup of coffee. He had to have something in his hands or he might go right over to her, sweep her into his arms, and kiss her until they were both dizzy.

  The door closed gently behind her. “What’s wrong?” she asked, her voice laced with worry.

  He finished filling his mug, replaced the coffeepot, then took a sip. Finally he turned, trying to slow the rapid thud of his pulse. He knew he should be worried about what Elise and Marianne would say to him, but right now he was more concerned about Sophie’s reaction.

  How should he tell her he didn’t want her to go? That he wanted to stay married to her? Was it too late after all he’d done to discourage their relationship? He’d rejected her when she’d told him she loved him. Why would she want him now?

  She regarded him expectantly, her pretty eyes wide and innocent.

  He lifted his mug and took another long slurp.

  “I can tell something’s bothering you.” She crossed the kitchen toward him, as forthright as always. When she stood before him, he held his mug in front of him, a low wall of defense until he could figure out how to formulate the right words.

  “Is it Nicholas?” Anxiety slipped into her question. “Do you think Mr. Ramsey will come after me and try to get him away?”

  “No. He won’t take Nicholas. I won’t let him.”

  She lifted her eyes to meet his, and the sadness there ripped at his heart. “Maybe I’ll have to leave Mayfield after all, so that he won’t try to take Nicholas away.”

  Reinhold swallowed another mouthful of coffee, trying to gather the courage to say what he should have already.

  She watched his throat as he swallowed, which made him all the more self-conscious. “I know you think I should go back to New York with my sisters. And maybe I should. Maybe that would be the safest place.”

  Was that what she wanted now? If she thought New York City would be the best place, who was he to stop her?

  She was quiet for a moment. Finally she spoke. “Tell me the truth.”

  He didn’t know what to think, especially because his desire to have her stay was selfish. He started to raise the mug to his lips again, but she intercepted his hand. With her eyes fixed on his, she pried his fingers from the cup and set it on the stove.

  “Reinhold.” She grasped his upper arms. “I know you want to tell me something. Please just say it. I can handle whatever it is.”

  Her touch sent heat rippling down his arms to his hands. Before he could deny himself, he reached for her hips. As he encircled her waist, her eyes widened. “You’re right. I do want to say something.”

  She tilted her head just slightly in that perceptive way she had.

  He wasn’t an eloquent man. He didn’t always know how to put his feelings into words. And this time he didn’t care, didn’t hold back. “I don’t want to lose you. I want you to stay here with me and be my wife.” He slid one hand around to the small of her back and tugged her closer.

  When she came against him willingly and ran her fingers up his arms to his shoulders, his hope found life. She skimmed her hands back down as though relishing the feel of his arms. “I am already your wife.”

  “Yes, but I want to make you mine. All the way mine.”

  “Are you sure?” Her eyes were full of questions.

  “I thought if you went with your sisters, you’d be happier and have a better life. But then you told me you wouldn’t stay with them, that you want to find a way to live here and that you like living on the farm.”

  “I’ve been searching for this kind of life. And now that I have it, I don’t want to leave.”

  He studied the earnestness that lined her face. “If you’re sure—”

  “Only if you are.”

  “I feel sick at the thought of having to say good-bye to you.”

  “Then don’t.” She smiled a slow, almost sensual smile.

  He caressed the length of her backbone up to the base of her neck. With her hair pulled into an elegant knot, her neck was bare and smooth and beautiful. He let his fingers drift to the long stretch that ran from her ear to her collarbone.

  A soft pleasurable sound escaped from her lips. Her fingers glided up his arms again, this time winding around his neck and landing in his hair, where she dug them deep. She surprised him by lifting her mouth to where his jaw and throat intersected. It was his turn to release a moan.

  With her fingers wound in his hair, she captured him with kisses along his jawline and neck.

  He bent in to her ear and whispered, “I love you. I’m only sorry for not saying it sooner, and for getting scared and pushing you away.”

  He could feel her lips curve into a smile. She kissed his neck again and took away all coherent thought save one. He wanted—no, needed—to kiss her.

  He shifted his mouth in search of hers. “Kiss me, Sophie,” he said hoarsely.

  Her laugh was sultry, and her kisses shifted to his collar, to where his top button had pulled free. Her lips grazed the open place on his chest. He growled and scooped her off her feet and into his arms.

  He started across the kitchen toward the stairs. He’d stepped onto the second stair when she loosened her hold. “Reinhold, wait,” she said breathlessly.

  “I’m finishing what I should have the last time we were in this spot.”

  “The children—”

  “I told Jakob to keep them occupied.”

  She laughed again, her delight only stirring his desire. “So this is why you really called me into the house?”

  “I didn’t know if you’d forgive me, but I was planning to do everything possible to get you to stay.”

  “I guess you didn’t have to work too hard at it, did you?”

  He smiled. “Thanks for going easy on me.”

  She wiggled against him as though wanting him to put her down. He’d done so once and almost lost her. He wasn’t planning on doing it again.

  He started up the steps, this time without breaking his stride.

  “My sisters,” she said, looking up at him. “And the train—we have to go.”

  Her mouth was finally available for the taking. He lowered his lips to hers and silenced her with a kiss. She responded eagerly, melding and moving with all the desire that had grown between them. When he reached the bedroom doorway, he broke away for a moment.

  “I’m not taking you to your sisters or the train,” he whispered. “We’re staying here. Home. Together. Where we belong.”

  With that, he stepped into the bedroom and kicked the door closed behind them.

  Chapter 26

  Elise Quincy paused on the top step of the private train compartment and surveyed the platform. Marianne sidled next to her and scanned the station, her brown eyes wide and full of excitement.

  “Do you see her?” Marianne asked.

  Except for the stationmaster talking with a gentleman standing next to his luggage, the platform was nearly deserted.

  Elise peered through the depot door and windows, holding her breath in anticipation that at any second Sophie would come running outside and rush to meet them. Maybe rushing was expecting too much. But surely Sophie would be a little happy to see them, wouldn’t she?

  Thornton’s warning from earlier resounded in her head. “Reinhold sent the telegram. Not Sophie. And although you’ve been searching for her, what if she’s not yet ready to be found?”

  Elise hadn’t wanted to believe her husband, hadn’t wanted to consider the possibility that Sophie didn’t want to see them yet. After two years, why wouldn’t Sophie want to be found?

  “Where is she?” Marianne stepped past Elise down the train steps, landing with a hop onto the platform with childlike enthusiasm. Her new traveling gown was wrinkled from the long hours of sitting. Its pi
nk floral print highlighted the rosy hue in Marianne’s cheeks as well as the glow of her skin.

  Elise had never seen Marianne as happy as when she was with Drew. After a year of marriage, the two were still like newlyweds with a smoldering passion that always flared whenever they were together.

  While Drew tended to be too impulsive for Elise’s taste, Marianne thrived on his jesting and spontaneity. She liked to tease him in response, often challenging him with dares he couldn’t refuse. Like yesterday during their stay in Chicago, Marianne had insisted that Drew couldn’t carry her from their train car to the depot without kissing her.

  Of course, Marianne had won. But only because she’d used every feminine wile she possessed to lure Drew into kissing her. They’d clearly had fun in the process, so much so that Drew had suggested they stay the night in the hotel Thornton had recently built in Chicago.

  Elise had vetoed the plan before Thornton gave in to the couple. Her practical nature and her need to be with Sophie had driven them the entire trip. She’d been the one to keep them focused on their mission. And as tempting as it had been to stop and sleep in a real bed for the night, Elise had pushed them onward.

  Marianne’s footsteps fairly skipped as she crossed to the depot and entered. “The train is arriving late. Maybe she was here already and left.”

  Elise glanced over her shoulder toward their luxurious compartment, debating whether she ought to wait for the others. Thornton had already told her to go ahead, that he would follow shortly with the baby. And Drew had said he’d watch over Silke and Verina.

  She suspected the men had conspired together, wanting to give her and Marianne the chance to have a private reunion with Sophie before bombarding the girl with introductions. On the one hand, Elise was grateful for their sensitivity, but on the other, she wanted Thornton by her side. Although she’d always considered herself to be strong and independent, somehow her life had woven together with Thornton’s so completely that more and more lately she felt like they were the same tapestry, that they were like dangling lonesome threads when they were apart.