Searching for You

by Jody Hedlund

  Was this how Mutti had felt after Vater had died? How had she possibly gone on without him? Now that Elise had her own daughter, she guessed Mutti hadn’t given up because she’d loved her daughters more than her own life. Before Elise had held her newborn babe, she’d never known it was possible to love a child as much as she did. She would do anything for her baby, even die to save her.

  Elise cautiously climbed down the steps onto the platform. She followed after Marianne and entered the deserted depot. Mustiness and the waft of stale coffee greeted her. The Mayfield depot didn’t boast of an eating house the same way the Quincy train depot did. Her eating house, the one she’d so lovingly nurtured and grown. Even so, the stationmaster kept a pot of coffee on the corner stove for the few passengers who disembarked.

  The main room was small and would have fit into the dining room of her Quincy home. Wryly she realized it would have fit into the pantry of the New York City Quincy mansion. There were still times, like now, when she couldn’t believe she was living such a fairy-tale life, one of boundless resources and wealth.

  Nevertheless, she could never forget the deprivation, weariness, and hunger from her previous life, the times when she and her sisters had nothing but each other. She wished she could say that had been enough. But somehow she’d let her pride, along with her need to prove herself worthy, drive her to be someone better.

  When she’d gone west with the other women during the fall of ’57, she’d convinced herself that it was the only way left, that she was merely trying to fulfill her promise to Mutti to take care of Marianne and Sophie. But in hindsight she could see that she’d been searching for more. Essentially she’d abandoned her sisters to pursue a life of her own.

  If she’d never left New York City, and if she’d put her sisters’ needs over her own, then perhaps they’d still be together. Perhaps Sophie would have felt loved and secure and wanted. She wouldn’t have felt the need to run away. And they would have been together during the past two years.

  As it was, Elise had cost them all the one thing that mattered most—their family. She’d talked for endless hours with Thornton about her conclusions, and he’d always reassured her that God could take any situation, no matter how much they botched things up, and He could still work things out for good.

  Elise couldn’t deny that God had been good to her in spite of her mistakes. Thornton was a devoted and loving husband and now father. She loved helping him bring about changes in the working conditions for the poor people in the various towns and companies he owned. She loved spending time in their home in Quincy and with their friends there. And even though she’d finally hired a manager for her eating house at the train depot, she still enjoyed working in the kitchen whenever possible.

  “She’s not here,” Marianne said, peeking out the front window toward the quiet town beyond.

  Elise stifled her rising disappointment. She should have heeded Thornton’s caution, shouldn’t have allowed herself to become so excited. “We’ll have our trunks and personal belongings taken to the house that Drew has secured for us. Then we’ll rest for a bit.”

  “Rest?” Marianne spun away from the window. “I can’t rest. Not until I see Sophie.”

  “We’re all tired,” Elise said matter-of-factly, reaching for the door that would take her back to the train and to Thornton. “Besides, we could use a meal and a change of clothing before seeing her.”

  “I’m not tired or hungry. And I certainly don’t care if I have dust and wrinkles in my clothing.”

  “Let’s go to the house first.”

  “You can go. But I’m not resting until I see her.” Marianne’s expression turned stubborn. Elise knew Marianne blamed herself for Sophie running away. And even though Elise had said all she could to reassure Marianne that Sophie’s leaving hadn’t been her fault, Marianne had never been able to entirely let go of feeling responsible.

  Elise guessed she and Marianne were alike in that way.

  “Aren’t you excited to see her?” Marianne asked.

  “Yes, of course I am. But it’s clear she doesn’t share the same feeling.”

  As the reality of Sophie’s absence sank in, the light in Marianne’s eyes dimmed, as though she too recognized what it meant. They’d sent enough telegrams regarding their arrival day and time. If Sophie had been ready and willing to see them, she would have met them at the train station.

  The depot door opened, ushering in the cool autumn breeze, along with the stationmaster. He nodded at Marianne, then turned his full attention upon Elise and gave her an ingratiating smile. “I’m honored to have you at my station, Mrs. Quincy. If there’s anything I can do for you, anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask—”

  “We’re waiting for the arrival of our sister, Sophie Neumann,” Marianne cut in. “Have you seen her this morning?”

  The stationmaster lifted his hat and scratched his balding head. “Don’t know of a Sophie Neumann. Do you mean Sophie Weiss?”

  “Sophie Weiss?” Elise and Marianne said the name at the same time.

  “Yep. Reinhold Weiss up and married himself a young gal—one of those orphans who came through here back in September. A right pretty little thing who didn’t look old enough to be marrying. But then again, what does an old man like me know about those kinds of things anymore?”

  With every word the stationmaster spoke, Elise’s consternation swelled. Why would Reinhold marry Sophie? She was years younger than he was and like a sister to him.

  Marianne’s troubled expression was filled with the same questions. Why would Reinhold marry Sophie? He wasn’t the type of man to put pressure on any woman. He most certainly hadn’t put any pressure on Elise and had willingly released Marianne from her commitment to him last summer. Reinhold had too much integrity and kindness to take advantage of Sophie.

  “You’re positive Reinhold married Sophie?” Elise asked.

  The stationmaster nodded vigorously. “Yep, had a wedding at the Duffs’ a few weeks back, and now they’re living out on his farm. Got himself a small place northwest of the Turners’. ’Course, there aren’t any good roads out that way, but it isn’t hard to find.”

  Marianne nodded, apparently remembering where the Turners lived from her time in Mayfield the previous year.

  “Heard tell that Mrs. Weiss has been trying to get her hands on a little boy that the Ramseys took in,” the stationmaster continued, clearly accustomed to doubling as the town newspaper, sharing all the local gossip whether or not anyone asked for it. “She grabbed him Sunday morning before church and tried to run off with him.”

  Marianne’s brows rose.

  As the stationmaster spoke, the unease Elise felt inside began to grow. What was going on here?

  “Some are saying she’s the boy’s rightful ma since she raised him, and that she deserves to have him back. Rumor has it that’s why she married Reinhold in the first place, so she could have that little boy and his sister.” The stationmaster dropped his voice as though someone might overhear him.

  “Nicholas and Olivia,” Marianne said.

  “She’s the boy’s rightful ma since she raised him . . .” Elise digested the stationmaster’s words. Was it possible that Sophie felt for Nicholas and Olivia the same kind of intense love that she felt for her own daughter? After all, Sophie had mothered the children from the start. They’d been babes when their father had died and their mother had abandoned them.

  Elise wasn’t sure how or when Sophie had joined back up with Olivia and Nicholas after Tante Brunhilde had taken the two to the Children’s Aid Society. But was it possible Sophie had been willing to do anything and sacrifice everything, even die, to save them? She supposed she’d never understood Sophie’s passion for the children, never took the time to understand . . . until now. Now that she had her own babe and realized the sacrifices parents were willing to make.

  For several minutes, her mind attempted to make sense of everything. She only heard snippets of the rest of what the
stationmaster was telling them, something about Reverend Poole from the Children’s Aid Society and how he’d been attempting to intervene.

  “Where can we rent a horse and wagon?” Elise interrupted.

  The stationmaster stood with his mouth open, his sentence half finished.

  “I thought you wanted to wait,” Marianne started.

  Elise shook her head. “We’re going now.”

  Elise gripped the bench, her fingers stiff from not having let go since they’d left the main road. Yes, the rutted path through the yellowing grass was bumpy. But she wasn’t afraid of falling off. If she was completely honest, she was afraid of facing Sophie. The excitement of earlier had faded in light of the stark truth of Sophie’s current predicament.

  “Do you really think Reinhold and Sophie got married so they could have Nicholas and Olivia?” Marianne asked from the driver’s spot.

  The late-October day was cold and breezy, but the sunshine warmed them whenever it decided not to hide behind the clouds.

  “That’s completely something Reinhold would do,” Elise said. “Offer to marry Sophie so that she’d be in a position where she could have the children.”

  Marianne nodded. “I have no doubt Reinhold would go to great lengths to ensure that he treats her like a sister.”

  “Of course.” But what Elise couldn’t yet figure out was why Reinhold had only just contacted them, especially if he’d been married to Sophie for several weeks and perhaps had known she was in the community even longer than that.

  “That must be it.” Marianne pointed ahead to the roof of a house now showing above the tall grass that bordered either side of the path.

  Elise straightened so she could see farther ahead, perhaps get a glimpse of the petite, blond-haired girl who’d always been a miniature version of herself. As the wagon rolled nearer, she could see that Reinhold had built a simple two-story house and had painted it white. It had no porch, no ornamental details, no extras. The only spot of color came from the bright calico curtains in the windows.

  Beyond the house was a decent-sized barn. It too was a simple design, likely all Reinhold could afford. The farmyard surrounding the house and barn was barren in places. A few chickens roamed inside the fenced garden behind the house, but otherwise the place appeared lifeless.

  “It doesn’t look like anyone’s home,” Marianne said, bringing the wagon to a halt near the well. “Maybe they’re out working.” She glanced to the fields beyond the barn, to a distant patch of cornstalks.

  A slight sway of the curtain in the upstairs bedroom caught Elise’s attention.

  Elise started to climb down. Someone was home, and she had a feeling it was Sophie. She’d begun to make sense of why Sophie might not want to be with them. But she had to see her sister, even if it was the last time.

  Her feet had hardly touched the hard-packed grass when the house door squeaked open.

  Reinhold stepped out, stockier and more muscular than she remembered. He rapidly closed the door behind him and combed his fingers through his tousled hair.

  “Elise. Marianne,” he greeted, his expression as hard as the rippling muscles visible beneath his shirtsleeves. His eyes regarded them coolly as though they were trespassing.

  “Hello, Reinhold,” Elise replied. She hadn’t expected any warmth from him, not after the pain she’d caused him when they parted ways. But she certainly also hadn’t expected him to be so cold, almost unwelcoming. “I hope we aren’t disturbing you.”

  He glanced at the upstairs window. “Maybe.”

  The one word sent a flutter of trepidation through Elise.

  Marianne had suddenly found a loose thread in the reins and was doing her best to tuck it back into the leather braid. Clearly Marianne was embarrassed to see Reinhold again since she’d rejected him for Drew.

  Elise was tempted to send a caustic remark to Marianne about how she ought to take up sewing again, but she inwardly sighed instead. Reinhold would have every right to toss them off his property. But not before she accomplished what she’d set out to do. “We came to see Sophie.”

  “You shouldn’t have come. She’s not ready to see you.”

  At a movement near the barn, Elise shifted to see a lanky boy poking his head out of the barn door. “Hello, Jakob,” she said. Even though she hadn’t seen the boy in over two years and he’d grown at least two feet, she still recognized his face.

  He gave a somber nod before turning his attention to Reinhold.

  She did likewise.

  Reinhold braced his bare feet apart and crossed his thick arms.

  Her heart tumbled in her chest. He was serious. Sophie didn’t want to see them, and he wasn’t planning to go against her wishes.

  “I’m sorry for sending you the telegram and inconveniencing you,” he said, his voice softening just a little.

  She nodded. “I’m sorry too.”

  Behind her, Marianne shifted on the wagon bench, which gave a faint creak.

  Had they come all this way for nothing?

  “I’ll take good care of her,” Reinhold said, breaking the silence. “I promise.”

  Elise studied his weathered, rugged face, noting the new lines next to his eyes and in his forehead. He’d aged since she’d last seen him. Or maybe it was the maturity in his eyes that made him appear older and wiser, a maturity that spoke of hardship pressing in and resulting in growth.

  His expression also spoke of something else, something soft and delicate and yet powerful. Was he in love with Sophie?

  Elise probed his countenance again. Was their marriage more than one of convenience after all?

  He didn’t back down from her scrutiny. His eyes were wide, allowing her to see deep into his soul to the truth. “I love her,” he said simply. “And I plan to do everything in my power to make her happy.”

  She couldn’t fathom the possibility that Sophie was old enough to be married. But she knew as well as anyone that street living had a way of making children grow up much too soon. “I’m glad Sophie has you.”

  His brows rose, as if her statement was the last thing he’d expected her to say.

  “You’re a good man, Reinhold Weiss. If Sophie had to get married, I couldn’t ask for anyone better than you.”

  His Adam’s apple moved in a hard swallow before he nodded at her, his eyes radiating gratefulness.

  She glanced around Reinhold’s farm again, this time seeing beyond the simplicity to the hard labor that had gone into everything. Reinhold was organized and tidy and diligent, and although the farm was still in its infancy, she had no doubt that over time he’d build it up to its full potential. And Sophie would be here to help him.

  Maybe Sophie wasn’t ready to see them today. But she would be close by, and maybe someday they’d be able to meet again. Elise turned toward the wagon to leave, then stopped and faced Reinhold again. “Will you give Sophie a message from me?”

  “I’ll try.”

  He was offering the best he could, and Elise would take it. “Tell her that I’m sorry—”

  “We’re sorry,” Marianne interjected.

  “Tell her we’re sorry we didn’t love her the way she needed, that we weren’t there for her, that we didn’t understand how much Olivia and Nicholas meant to her. Tell her that if we could go back and do it again, we’d never leave her . . .”

  The farmhouse door squeaked open. A young woman stepped through and out into the sunshine. She was attired in a simple blue dress that molded to her full womanly curves. Her golden hair spilled in luxurious waves down her shoulders and over her chest and back, reaching almost to her waist.

  But it was her eyes, her wide-as-the-blue-summer-sky eyes that made Elise catch her breath.

  Marianne sucked in a breath too.

  The young woman sidled next to Reinhold. He gathered her into the crook of his body, sheltering and shielding her all at once. His touch was intimate and gentle, like that of a lover. His eyes caressed her too, his adoration mingling with desire. />
  This was Sophie, her little sister. But she wasn’t little anymore. At some point during their time apart, Sophie had turned from a little girl into a full-grown woman, a woman more beautiful than most. No wonder Reinhold was smitten with her.

  Her gorgeous blue eyes glistened as she looked between Elise and Marianne.

  Elise stared back in wonder at the transformation. The ache in her heart rippled with the fresh awareness that Sophie was almost a stranger to them. They’d missed so much of her life, hadn’t been there to help her through all the difficulties she’d surely faced, and hadn’t been there to ease the pain or to share the joys.

  “I’m sorry,” Elise whispered again past the ache that now clutched her throat. She wasn’t sure if Sophie had heard what she’d said before, so she spoke the words again—letting the dam loose against the pool that had been gathering and pressing for release. “I shouldn’t have left you, Sophie. You were—and still are—more important than anything else.”

  Tears welled in Sophie’s eyes, and several spilled over. She didn’t move to wipe them away, nor did she move to bridge the chasm that separated them.

  “I know I have no right to ask you for forgiveness,” Elise continued, needing to say everything that burned in her soul. “But I pray that someday you’ll find the ability to forgive me.”

  More tears cascaded down Sophie’s cheeks.

  Elise’s eyes stung, and she blinked back the moisture. “I want you to know that I love you. I always have and I always will.”

  As she spoke the words, her anguished soul seemed to find release, finally. Maybe she’d never have the kind of relationship with Sophie that she longed for. But she could live at peace, knowing that she’d been able to see her sister again.

  Sophie’s chest rose, and she choked back a sob. “You wouldn’t say that if you knew everything I’ve done.”

  “Oh, Liebchen.” She could only imagine what Sophie had done to survive on her own on the streets. And although Sophie didn’t have the defeated and used-up look of a prostitute, Elise wouldn’t have been surprised if Sophie’d had to resort to selling her body to survive. “There’s nothing—and I mean nothing—that you could have done or ever could do that would make me stop loving you.”