She Wore Black

by J L Park

  I frowned before I let a polite smile curl the corners of my mouth despite the thinly veiled insult he’d aimed at me. “Yeah, I came back. Ferox is the only section that fit the person I actually am, but… Pius hid that.” He nodded, still a little confused by the fact that I was Ferox, and somewhat startled that I wasn’t being submissive or shying away from his eye contact like a good Pius girl should. “You were looking for me? Is it Paige?”

  “Miss Raeburn? Yes, I came to tell you she is out of theatre and has returned to her room in ICU. We were told you can visit in place of family as apparently, she has none.” I nodded. “Come this way, please.”

  She lay still, her head wrapped in bandages, tubes all over her, machines beeping and clicking. I stepped into the room, a nurse looking up from her documents motioning me to come closer and sit with Paige. Except, she didn’t look like Paige. So pale, her skin was almost see-through, dark bruising to her eyes, and the side of her face. Her body was covered in a raft of bruises, purple welts covering her arms, one wrist in a brace, one of her legs in traction, metal coming out of the sides of it. Sitting down, the chair was more comfortable than those I’d been waiting on. All I wanted to do was hold her hand, to touch her, know she was still alive. I looked at the nurse.

  “You can hold her hand, love. Talk to her, she can hear you.” She gave me a smile that didn’t reach her eyes, one that told me more than she would have given out verbally, “Forget I’m here.”

  I reached up and took Paige’s hand in mine. It was still warm, as I stroked her hand, trying to will myself to look up, to look her in the face. A tube out of her mouth, keeping her alive, helping her breathe. I followed the tubing with my eyes, to a machine that was doing a lot of the clicking and beeping in the room. Monitors above it giving out reading I didn’t understand. The swelling in her face, the bruising, the tubing, only made it more obvious to me that she was seriously unwell. I let her hand go, and nudged the chair closer, taking her hand in mine again. I stood up, taking a deep breath, and leaning forward, next to her ear.

  “Paige… I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, for things turning weird, for everything. Please don’t leave me. Please fight. I’ll fight with you. Please pull through… for me. Because, Paige, I think I love you, and I don’t want to imagine a world without you in it. Please… stay.” I hiccoughed, and sat down again, stroking her arm and hand, finally allowing myself to cry, just a little.

  I must have dozed off, my head on the edge of her bed, her hand clasped in mine. I woke to Maddox’s hand on my shoulder, startling me awake. I blinked confused at him, my hand still holding Paige’s, but not sure where I was.

  “At ease, Taylor. You’re in the hospital.”

  I glanced at Paige again and woke properly. “Thank you, sir.” I looked back at him, and realised I was supposed to be on duty that afternoon if it was still the day of the incident in Luculentus, “Shit, did I miss work, sir?” He smiled,

  “You did,” he said and paused, “But you’ve been excused from active duty for the time being.”

  “Sorry, sir. Thank you. Sir, what brings you here, you didn’t just come to let me off duty.”

  “I needed to see how the injured were faring after the incident, now that everyone else is back.”

  “The others?”

  “They’re mostly doing okay. We lost two, unfortunately. I haven’t informed their families yet. Paige… is the last to visit.” He looked at me, “And the only one in ICU.”

  “Do you know what happened?”

  “No, but Kalvin is talking to her team to figure that out.” I nodded. “Reed, stay here as long as she needs you.” He paused, looking at her in a way I hadn’t seen him look at anyone else, as though he had more feelings for her than any other member in Ferox, but not in the same way I did, then looking back to me, “You are the only resemblance to a family she has.”

  “I will, sir. Thank you.”

  He swallowed, before continuing. “If she survives,” his voice wavered just slightly, as a huge lump formed in my throat at the suggestion she may die, “She will need you more than ever.” He turned sharply and left.

  Later that night, the hospital staff brought in a small recliner chair, which was more comfortable to sleep in. The nurse gently waking me when I was in the way for turning her and adjusting tubing. I tried to stay out of the way as much as possible, without having to leave her side. When they turned her at one point, the sheet uncovered her stomach, a mass of purple and red bruising and stitches. Turning her on her side to wash her, I insisted they let me do her back. I couldn’t let just anyone see her scarred back, she would have hated it. Gently cleaning with a warm cloth, as though all the scars inflicted on the previously smooth skin of her back were only recent, I fought with the knowledge of what had caused them, my own back burning in sympathy. A nurse came to help me lie her back and gasped. A fumbled apology came after I turned sharply and glared at her, my own scars evident on my neck and jaw.

  “Jesus, what do they put you through to get into security for Ferox now?” she murmured as she finished.

  “My own are mostly not Ferox inflicted. It is not my place to speak for Paige,” I said, without feeling. She glanced at me, her face giving away she was trying to figure out if she should ask where they were from, “You don’t want to know, because if you knew, you would regret asking.” I watched a frown dissolve as she understood, to a bizarre combination of sympathy and revulsion.

  I sat, watching Paige’s chest rise and fall with each hiss of the machine, trying to process all the thoughts I had in my head. She had been through so much why this? Why now? And now, she’d be judged because she needed caring for, so had no control over who saw her scars, who worked out her history. It made me so angry, she was lying there, vulnerable and being judged for something that was not her fault. I was tired of being judged just for being a woman, for being female in GreyBrook. I was tired of all females being judged, being condemned when they had been the victim, even by other females. I had taken my uniform jacket off at some point to rest my head on, knowing this left more of my scarred neck and now my elbows exposed, but I didn’t care anymore. I was too angry, but not so angry that exhaustion couldn’t take me.

  Several days passed with Paige unconscious. Ti and Shannon Totman visited at one point, Ti bringing more clothes for me. Letting me have a shower without leaving Paige alone. She had also brought my bag, with my notebook and the little black book in it. I was finally able to write down the thoughts making me so angry. Much more relaxed, I sat and stroked her hand, whispering to her, telling her what we could do when she woke up. There had been no signs of stirring. I leaned over at the end of the fourth day of unconsciousness, whispering in her ear.

  “Come on, Paigey. I need to tell you in person that I love you, I really do. Even if you don’t, I love you.” I sat back down, her hand in mine. I stroked her arm and hand again when there was a twitch in her fingers. “Paige?” I muttered, “Do that again.”

  Her fingers wiggled on my hand. I glanced at the nurse who was peering at the screens, her brow crinkled, until she looked at Paige’s face, at the same time I looked up. One eye was open, the other still swollen mostly shut.

  “Paige?”

  She squeezed my hand hard enough.

  I looked her dead in the eye, “Paige, you’re okay. You’re in the hospital.”

  Her one open eye held panic, her uninjured hand letting go of mine, reaching for the tube in her mouth. Grabbing at her hand, I held it away, as the nurse came to adjust the settings on a few of the machines, and Paige relaxed under my hand, still awake.

  “Keep talking to her, I’m just calling for the Doctor.”

  “Paige,” Her eye flicked to me, “You’re doing just fine. We’ll get that sorted for you soon.” She nodded, squeezing my hand. There was a flurry of activity that saw me removed from the room briefly, to pace in the hallway.

  “Miss Taylor?” called the nurse from the doorway, I spun around, “She’s good to
see you now.” I grinned and almost skipped to the door. Only to be stopped by crippling self-doubt. What if she doesn’t actually want me there? What if she hates me? We hadn’t spoken in weeks, and now I show up here, and assume she would want to see me? I shook my head, took a deep breath and decided what will be will be, stepping through the door.

  Sitting up now, Paige turned to look at me as I stood in the doorway, a grin plastered on her face.

  “Reed,” she croaked, as though her throat was raw, “Reed. Come here, ya big moron.”

  Walking quickly to the bedside, I stood awkwardly.

  “Hey.”

  She reached out her hand, placing it in mine and squeezing again, pulling me forward. “I love you too,” she whispered, letting me go.

  I grinned at her, as my eyes unexpectedly welled up with tears, a lump in my throat I was unable to speak around. Holding her hand with both of mine, I sat myself back down on the edge of the chair, letting the tears spill over finally, still grinning. We sat in silence, just enjoying each other's company for some time until Paige needed to sleep. I curled up in the recliner beside the bed, falling asleep with a smile on my face.

  His face loomed over mine as I came to on the floor again. My head throbbed, as I squinted at him, my arms held above my head tightly. I groaned as the fog of the blow to the head lifted and I realised what was happening. Trying to escape to my happy place, I turned my head away from him, trying not to fight him, that only made it worse. Suddenly I was forced to stand, and shoved into the wall, again. Cold water thrown over me startling me out of my self-induced fog, as he pulled my shirt off, a punch to the ribs, and I doubled over only to be pulled by my hair into an upright position. Then it began… mind numbing pain, that continued even after I fell to my knees, biting my lip until it bled along with my back, trying not to cry out.

  “Reed?” I opened my eyes, to an unfamiliar face looming over mine, and tried to scramble backwards off the chair, only to be grabbed by gentle hands, “Whoa! It’s okay. You were calling out in your sleep. It didn’t look like you were enjoying the experience, so I thought I’d wake you.” I blinked and realised it was the nurse from the bathing day, her face creased in concern. I swallowed, my throat dry.

  “Sorry, bad dream.” She nodded. “Thank you for waking me.” I glanced at Paige, she was still asleep thankfully.

  “All good, she slept through it all.” Her face creased in thought, “Listen, Reed. I wanted to apologise for the other day. I reacted badly. I’m sorry if I offended you, or you felt I was judging Paige.” She paused, thinking of how to explain herself, “I was just um… shocked… and thought it was something that Ferox are making you do now. I didn’t realise that… it… could have been something else. I didn’t even…”

  I put my hand up, smiling at her sadly. “Apology accepted. I reacted badly as well. I… ah… I’m a little sensitive to judgement at the moment. So, I’m sorry for my behaviour that day. I should have realised it would have been a shock.” She nodded. “But really, thank you for waking me. That dream was not pleasant.”

  She smiled and went back to her observation recording.

  The next morning, I was sitting, helping Paige to try to eat her breakfast, when there was a knock at the door. Turning, we found Maddox standing in the doorway, a jacket in his hand.

  “Paige! You’re awake,” he exclaimed as he stepped into the room, “Thank the gods.”

  She smiled, “Yup. Yesterday.” She looked at me, “I believe this young lady hasn’t left my bedside in the last few days? You letting her get off of work?”

  He smiled and nodded. “You needed her more than Ferox needed her on duty. I knew she’d do good work here.”

  I smiled, and stood, to give Maddox the seat. He tried to refuse, but I insisted. “Dude, I need a shower, so I’ll do that, you two catch up.”

  Maddox then took the seat and handed me the jacket.

  “Put that on after.”

  “I’ve got my jacket… over… the… hey?” He grinned, “I gather this is my jacket then?” He nodded and waved me away.

  The shower was a dream, hot steamy water cascading over my tired and cramped body. A week in a recliner doesn’t help a sore back. After a long luxurious shower, I dressed in a clean set of clothes and grabbed my uniform jacket, chucking it on without really looking at it, wondering why Maddox had taken it. When I arrived back to the room, there were others in there with Paige. Tiarni, Force, Finley, Maverick, Tobias, and Shannon - my team from the day of incident. Paige looked up as I came to the door and looked shocked as she took in my jacket. I frowned, trying to figure out the problem.

  “Reed, have you not looked?” I shook my head,

  “At what?”

  “Since when did you become a Team Leader?”

  I looked down at my jacket. My name had been removed, and re-sewn in, with the team leader symbol under it.

  “Turn around.”

  I frowned and took the jacket off - to find the same on the logo on the back. I looked up at Maddox and grinned.

  “You gonna answer the lady, or am I?” he laughed.

  “Given I thought it was just a trial, you’d better!” I laughed back, stunned. He turned to Paige.

  “I put her in charge of this lot on the day of the incident.” She laughed, a sweet sound to my ears. “Yes, this motley lot. She did a bloody good job. One of my better rash decisions, I think.”

  Paige nodded, a proud look on her face, which turned to a grin when Ti spoke up.

  “We’re an awful bunch to get in line. That's why they keep laughing.” She had a solemn look, with a tiny bit of cheek peeking out. “They can laugh - they’ve both tried… and failed. You didn’t.” I nodded. “You respected us as team members, not as soldiers to do your bidding. You were just one of us, who happened to be in charge, and who would have to take the rap if it all turned to shit.”

  I blushed, “Um, thanks guys. I actually don’t know what to say.”

  “Come here you,” Paige murmured and looked at the rest of them as she reached for my face, “And you can all fuck off if you don’t like what I’m about to do. Report me, I don’t care.” She pulled me in for a long kiss, letting me go only when I needed to breathe. Ti clapped, as I blushed.

  Maddox turned back to us, “Right, now… what were we reporting?” He fixed the nurse with a stare I would have withered under.

  She smiled and shrugged. “Didn’t see a thing to report, sir.”

  He smiled.

  “Good. Paperwork is a bitch. We shall leave you two to finish breakfast. Come on you lot!” He ordered my team out the door. As he went to leave he turned back, “Oh, and Taylor, you wanna tell her who’s team managed to stop the carnage, with a bit of good luck?” He winked and left. I turned back to find Paige staring at me, a cross between annoyed and proud look on her bruised face.

  “Oh, you fucking didn’t, did you?”

  In true ex-Pius fashion, I smiled, lowered my head, and muttered, “No, my brother did.”

  Paige recovered over a few weeks in the hospital, far enough that she could have the Ex Fix metal pins removed from her leg. Her balance was a little wobbly, and her memory affected due to the blows to her head. The scars from the surgery were hidden by her hair, much to her relief as she had battled to grow it after having it shaved as a child. With the help of a walking stick and my elbow, she insisted on walking herself out of hospital to the waiting transport, although it left her shaking and exhausted.

  I had headed back to the dorms a couple of times whilst she was in hospital, to have a decent sleep, and get more clothes. On my last visit, I’d found they’d moved things around.

  “Ti, where is my stuff?” She smiled, and pointed outside. “Huh?”

  “The apartments. The dorms would be too noisy for Paige. And well, it’s for those no longer on duty.” She winked, as I laughed.

  “How did Maddox wrangle that?”

  “You’re caring for Paige. That's all the bigwigs in the Confede
ration Circle need to know.”

  Paige tried to head for the dorms, confused when I lead her away. Leading her into the apartments, she sat on the couch, exhausted, and cried. She’d held herself together better than I had whilst in hospital, putting on a brave face for the Pius-bred healers, but now, at home, she could let her guard down. The injury to her head made her tire easy, becoming frustrated with her abilities, and troubled by headaches daily. I held her as she cried in frustration and sadness. She may never function as a full-fledged member of Ferox, and that scared her - she knew nothing else aside from Ferox since her choice at 18, a few years prior.

  Paige had been Pius, like me, before her Selection Day decision to join Ferox. Being female in Pius meant we shared an upbringing that only barely acknowledged our existence, but Paige’s had been less favourable than my own. She had done all she could to forget it, working hard to make herself the strongest woman she knew, particularly in Pius before Selection Day, and put extra effort in after being taken by Walker. She prided herself in being in control, and being as vulnerable as she was post the injuries she received in the chaos of that day, she struggled, both with the loss of control, and the flashbacks it triggered for her. Facing a future where she may always be vulnerable scared the life out of her, and I couldn’t do or say anything to make it any better, aside from understand.

  I rested my chin on her head, as she snuggled into my arms, still feeling fragile, sniffing occasionally. The silence often helped, she could organise her thoughts and focus her energy on what she could control. But this was different, as she stiffened, groaning, trying to push me away, her whole body shaking in my arms, arching as though she was being struck again. Knowing it was a flashback, I held her to stop her hurting herself, but realised that it could be the whipping I had had to inflict on her she was reliving. I whispered in her ear she was okay, that he couldn’t hurt her here, she was safe, until she relaxed, lifting her head to look up at me, tears in her eyes.