She Wore Black

by J L Park

  “Dammit,” she muttered, “Don’t you cry.”

  I hadn’t even noticed I was, I let go with one hand and wiped at my face. “Sorry, love. You okay?”

  She nodded, “Sorry.”

  “You don’t need to apologise, I get it.”

  She nodded, again. “It’s just I thought I was past all that, and now they’re back with a vengeance,”

  Frowning, I stroked her head. “We’ll get you back there again, I promise, even if it takes forever.”

  A few days later, a runner knocked on the door.

  “Leader Cohen has requested all those who took part in the Riot Day victory please present themselves to the Great Hall in 30 minutes.”

  I frowned, these things often came with a day's warning. “Why today, Leigh?”

  Leigh shrugged, “I think it’s ‘cause everyone that was there can get there now." He glanced at Paige standing next to me with her stick in one hand, “He didn’t want to miss anyone out.”

  “Okay, thanks, Leigh.”

  It was a short walk from the apartments to the great hall, but first, we needed to change into our uniforms. Paige giggled as she fell sideways trying to put her pants on and overbalancing after getting them caught on her bad leg.

  “Fuck.” She snorted, “Can you get my foot out?"

  I laughed as I yanked the trousers over her foot. Dressed, Paige stood in front of the mirror for a long minute before pulling her long blond hair into a ponytail.

  “It feels good to put these back on,” she said quietly, standing taller. The uniform seemed to have that effect the both of us. Except I still felt weird wearing a Team Leader’s jacket, particularly to something this public. It didn’t quite feel right yet.

  We strolled along, Paige with her stick and needing my elbow to balance herself. Walking into the Great Hall, Paige received several pats on the back and welcome backs. Someone directed us to seats near the front, the relief to be sitting down after the walk clear on Paige’s face, her leg still painful if used too much. The crowd gathered in the hall was larger than the day of the riot. All of Ferox not required to be on duty had also been summoned. The atmosphere was electric, buzzing with excitement, smiles plastered on the faces of all those around me. It was almost contagious, the edges of my lips curling skyward.

  A slow hush came over the hall as someone dimmed the light. Bodies turned to the stage, awaiting Maddox’s arrival. A single light shining on the stage.

  “Members, Leaders. Thank you for gathering here today,” he boomed as he walked forward, an imposing figure, even alone on the stage. A quiet cheer went up, cut short by a sharp hand movement from the centre of attention. “I’ve gathered you here today to honour those whose actions helped us end the riot on that fateful day a month ago." He paused, looking around the hall, “Many offered their services. Some returned triumphant, but others were not so lucky. They seriously injured several of our members that day, and two of our own did not make it home at all.” Pictures of the two slain members were displayed on the wall behind Maddox via a projector. “Today we honour the memories of Member Storm Gae, and Member Sorin Fitchett, who gave their life in pursuit of peace, happiness and a just world for us all. Please join me in a moment’s silence to remember them.”

  I gazed at the photos of the two slain members, trying to hold them in my mind, to remind me we were all fighting for the same thing. Glancing at Paige, a sombre look on her face, pain breaking through from time to time, as she looked up at the photo of Storm Gae, a woman not much older than herself, her photo of a smiling, youthful brunette, whose smile reached her eyes. A single tear ran down Paige’s cheek that she did not reach up to wipe away. I reached over and squeezed her hand, still gazing at the photos.

  “Thank you.” Maddox broke the silence, “Their photos will hang with pride in the control room so we can remember their sacrifice every time we go out on patrol. Now, those who were injured, all are finally home. Paige Raeburn, our final returnee arrived back earlier this week. Jordy White, the week prior, Samantha Pierce, Tamora James, Shane Parker, Jasiah Christo the week after the riot. Please join me in welcoming them home and wishing them the best with their recoveries. We will see them in the field when they are ready.” He led a round of cheers, and Paige received more slaps on the back of welcome.

  “The day of the riot could have gone much worse than it did, we are all very lucky that our training and skill kept the casualties, on both sides, to a minimum. A lucky break by one of our teams, in finding a local who knew how to shut down the malfunction in the Luculentus chips ended it quickly. Whilst we protected the locals from themselves, and it appeared to be a Ferox victory, it was. in fact a Luculentus themselves who brought the day of chaos to an end. His name is Jameson Taylor. Whilst he is not here, please join me in a round of applause thanking him for his service.” A round of applause went up, it was just a pity Jameson wasn’t here to see it. “Thank you all. Please go now, thank your fellow members, and serve Ferox well.” He ended the announcement and walked off the stage. Paige looked at me, frowning.

  “That… that…” she spluttered, anger clouding her voice, “That was cruel, just cruel.” She spat as though the words tasted off in her mouth.

  I was trying unsuccessfully to unclench my fists from my trousers, trying to settle my anger as my team came storming across the hall towards me. I shook my head at Paige, I didn’t want her going off at them and adding to their anger.

  “Reed! Did you hear that?” Force spat, “Nothing at all about our team, just your brother. That's just wrong.”

  “To be fair, it was his coding skills that shut down the chips,” I muttered, trying to stay calm despite how angry I was.

  Ti scoffed at that. “Yeah? And it was due to us, due to your leadership, we didn’t shoot him on sight and that he got back to his apartment to type out the code. If it weren’t for us, he’d have died, and no one would have won. It’s bullshit.” She muttered, as I looked to Paige, who had a sad look on her face.

  “It will always be that way, Reed, Ti, Force.” She spoke up, “You were led by a woman. It doesn’t matter she did a better job than Maddox or I have managed to with you lot. The rules don’t allow a woman to be outspoken and be a successful leader. If there is a bloke around, Maddox will try to wrangle him into being the hero. Yes, Reed and you guys should have been mentioned, but it’ll never happen,” she sighed, “It’s just the way it is.”

  “Well, it’s wrong.” I muttered, “And I for one will not stand for it.”

  Paige gave me a quizzical look, “Don’t do anything stupid, and I’ll support you.”

  I looked around at the team, felt their anger, their frustration. It wasn’t their fault I was female. Hell, I knew it would have been different had it been Force or Tobias who had lead the team, and they had no choice in who Maddox had picked to lead the team.

  I was tired of being invisible despite being as out there as I could be. What was so threatening about a woman being successful, or outspoken? Didn’t the successes of each one of us contribute to the success of the whole group? I thought Ferox would be different, it was just like Pius, but crueler, which when you understood how Pius raised their females was saying something. At least in Pius, we knew being acknowledged for achieving anything would never happen, in Ferox, they gave an illusion we matter and would be acknowledged, whereas the truth was vastly different to that - and just the same as Pius.

  “Guys, I’m sorry.” I addressed the raggedy, furious group in front of me, “If it hadn’t been a female leader, you would have been acknowledged. There isn’t anything I can do to change that for now, for this occurrence, but…” I paused, and looked at each one, “I’m working on something. You are dismissed.”

  They nodded and left, still annoyed. Turning to Paige, I held out my arm to support her and set off to the apartment.

  Leaving her to rest after the activities of the morning, I sat at the table, gazing out at the view of the city this apartment gave us. In the
distance you could see the wall, the buildings gradually petering out, getting smaller and further apart as the wall grew closer. From here, I could just about pick out the Non-Sel camps in place at the edge of the Wall, out past the sentry points, fending for themselves on the outskirts of this city. I always wondered why we weren’t able to release them into the world, into the Outside. If we found them so threatening, or embarrassing, why keep them close? Unless there was something going on in GreyBrook that they didn’t want to get out, so kept their enemies nearby. Which gave me an idea. I grabbed a notebook and pen from the bench, and came back to the table. I couldn’t change how GreyBrook functioned, or not on my own at least. The Laws were ingrained now, even into relaxed guys like Force, and Jameson. Maddox had appeared relaxed in the beginning, but I doubted that the relaxed Maddox was anywhere near the man he actually was. Bias crept in here and there as he was oblivious to the fact that his punishment for male members was vastly different to his female members. I figured that the only way to change anything was to find those who no longer held to the ideals that created GreyBrook. Non-Sels, particularly the older ones. Jotting my ideas down as I thought things through, I came up with a rough idea of where I could go from here. Most of it wasn’t the most legal, and punishment if they caught me could be drastic but having had to whip the love of my life, in front of a crowd of my peers - what else could they do to break me? I’d need to go on my own though, so I’d have to wait for Paige to have recovered well enough for me to return to work, and leave her alone for periods of time. As impatient as I was to get started, I knew I couldn’t rush things. I also couldn’t tell Paige what I was thinking.

  The sounds of Paige stirring in the bedroom startled me out of my thoughts. I looked down at the notebook, trying to figure out where to hide it, at least for the time being. I smiled, as I remembered the Little Black Book I had stashed in the back of my drawers. Jumping up, I got the notebook in the drawer before Paige turned over to look at me.

  “Hey…” she murmured, sleep slurring her words, as I sat down on the bed, “Whatcha thinking about?”

  “Just things. Good sleep?”

  She nodded as she sat up. I grinned, she had no idea how cute she looked, her blond hair tousled with sleep, wearing nothing but a white singlet and grey boy-leg underwear. Running her hand through that head of tangled hair, she made it look easy to get the wind swept but freshly brushed look that my hair always refused to do. I leaned over to give her a kiss, getting a grin for my troubles. “You want a hand to get up?”

  “Nah, I’ll give it a go alone this time. I’ll yell.” She gave me a look that meant she wanted me to leave the room, not wanting me to see her fail if she did.

  I wandered back to the lounge and waited for her to come out, or yell out. Movement in the doorway ten minutes later, and I turned to find her standing, dressed, with a proud grin on her face.

  “I did it. Didn’t even fall on my face this time!”

  I laughed as I got up to give her a congratulatory hug, and noticed she’d gotten to the door without her stick, or falling. Pointing it out to her, she hadn’t even realised, making her grin even harder. I grabbed it for her as she suddenly got nervous about getting to the couch without it, and plopped herself into the couch, staring out at the same view I’d been looking at earlier.

  "What are you thinking?" I asked.

  “I was wondering why we keep Non-Sels within GreyBrook. Surely if they didn’t want to choose one of our sections, they might as well be cast outside? It’s weird that GreyBrook and the Leaders want them within the walls.”

  I nodded. “Remember, you’re talking to a very briefly Non-Sel’d Ferox.”

  Her face clouded with guilt, she’d forgotten.

  “I’m just being silly, love. I think the same thing, but they might be hiding something they don’t want the Outsiders to see.” I cringed, I hadn’t meant to tell her as much as I had. But, to her credit, she hadn’t freaked out on me talking badly about GreyBrook, her face holding a confusing mix of shock, anger, and lastly realisation I had a point.

  “Shit, I hadn’t thought of that.” She frowned, the ingrained resistance to speaking badly about GreyBrook seemed to ‘taste’ bad, “But do they even know of us?”

  “Paige, if there are people out there, you think they can miss a massive wall like the one they’ve built surrounding GreyBrook?”

  She looked out the window again and laughed. “That IS one massive wall. They could all be blind?” she said, with a serious look, which broke into a grin when I giggled.

  “Jokes. I wonder what it’s like out there, what it was like before GreyBrook.”

  I blinked, wondering if I should tell her, but thought I’d better test the waters first. “Don’t you remember your history lessons?”

  She laughed, “Yeah, but…” She glanced around.

  “Paige, it’s just us, I promise. And, you know these apartments are swept weekly for bugs.”

  She smiled. “That's true, but what about Ferox ones?”

  I had to think on that for a minute, “I don’t know. But, know I won’t say anything, so if anything comes out, it’s Maddox.”

  She cringed, hating that I’d said it out loud. “Okay. Yeah, I remember my history lessons. But, GreyBrook and Ellwood himself are portrayed as the perfect example in everything. Didn’t you find that suspicious?”

  I grinned, nodding, “Very.”

  “It’s like they could do no wrong, that the Outsiders and the people from Before were these awful things that needed to be avoided at all costs, that couldn’t control their instincts, or themselves. That Ellwood and the Originals were without fault, yet… they bred the people of now. The people who treat us the way they do.” She scrunched up her face like there was a bad taste in her mouth again before she spat the last part out, “That bred the sick bastards like Walker who think they have the right to Take us. And that we are the ones that get punished for it. How is that GOOD? Why isn’t that in the damn history books?” She stopped, panting, a quiet rage had crept into her voice. Looking at me, she frowned, “And now you think I’m mad.”

  “Not in the slightest, Paige. I agree with every word you’ve said.” I paused, playing my next move over in my head, “Paige, what if I had proof of the Before, of the Outside?” I murmured, hoping if there were bugs they wouldn’t pick it up.

  Paige caught my sudden drop in volume. “You do?” she whispered. I nodded, and stood up, signalling her to wait. Sliding the drawer in the bedroom open, I took a deep breath and slid the Little Black notebook out from under my underwear. Walking back to Paige in the lounge, I held it close. She looked up, caught the black colour of the outside and gasped, before slamming a hand over her mouth. Her eyes wide, but curious, her mouth hanging open, shock written all over her face.

  “I found it when I was rummaging in an abandoned building in Pius, in a wall vent,” I whispered as I answered the unspoken question in her eyes.

  “Holy… shit.” She breathed, reaching out for it, backing off just as her finger tips brushed the cover, too scared to touch it. “Really?”

  “Really.”

  She was itching to touch it, sitting on her hands so she wouldn’t reach out, looking both scared and suspicious.

  “You know the punishment for having it?”

  I nodded, aware that the punishment for having contraband was expulsion, if not death. “I’m aware. Only you and one other person know I have it. But, if I get caught, it is only me, okay?" I handed it to her, holding it out until she took it. She held it as though it could harm her. “Just open it, Paige, it’s not going to bite.”

  She gingerly opened the book and began reading. Watching her face, I could tell it enthralled her, and I wouldn't get it back any time soon. Placing a glass of water on the table in front of her, I left her to read the book alone.

  Staring out at the wall, I wished I had a pair of binoculars, so I could see the Non-Sel camps, I had so many questions. Questions that needed answers befo
re I could plan to do anything, could even envisage what that would look like. I had to keep up appearances within Ferox, and to some extent with Paige. She may know more than everyone else, but I couldn’t afford to tell her everything. Not if I wanted to keep her safe, not if I wanted to be sure any punishment was borne by me alone. It may have been the Pius in me, but I couldn’t stomach the thought of someone else being punished for something I had inadvertently pulled them into. I’d already seen the consequences of some of my actions, I bore the scars both physically and psychologically of that experience. I still cringed when I saw Paige’s back, knowing the new scars were my doing. I couldn’t have it happen again, I’d rather let it be me.

  Rubbing my face with my hands, I sighed and stepped out onto the veranda that the living room opened out to. It was getting colder as I rubbed my uncovered arms to warm them against the biting wind. My hair out, I finally managed that wind swept look, if only for a short time. I leaned on the glass railings, listening to the sounds of the city, hoping the wind would clear my head. I could see the fires of the Non-Sels burning in the distance, trying to keep themselves warm against the chilly afternoon. I wondered if Ferox duties might include checking on the Non-Sels, making sure they were avoiding trouble, coming into the city, and if it did, I’d have to have myself rostered on that team soon. Though, they may be scared by us, given Ferox were known for their brute force when it came to protecting the city from ‘Undesirables'. If I was able to pass as Arator or Pius, it might be better, except they expected us to be in Section colours even if we weren’t in our own section. If I stayed with my parents, or Maria, I might make it work. I smiled, content to continue daydreaming in the cooling air.

  The sound of the door opening behind me snapped me out of my daydream, turning to see Paige standing in the doorway, not willing to attempt the slight step without her stick. The book was in her hand, her face held a cheeky grin.