Everything I want: Will Alfie and Lily's love survive?...

by K. L. Shandwick

  I shook my head. “Jack, that isn’t fair to her; you need to consider her feelings too.”

  Jack twisted his mouth, and sighed heavily. “Well, I was thinking about that.” He stared into my eyes. “What do we do? Do we hide how we feel about each other, so that someone else can be happy? What if that made me unhappy? What if I couldn’t ever be spontaneous around you? Or you, with me? Would you be happy with that?” I thought about what he was saying and realized that I had been upfront with Alfie about Jack.

  My thoughts were that Alfie had to deal with our friendship. It wasn’t even an option that I would cut my affection for Jack out of the equation.

  I understood how he felt, but it had to be Jack’s choice. I wasn’t going to ruin his happiness so that we could continue to flirt and cuddle. “Let’s put our other flower to the test. Either way, we’ll both know where we stand,” Jack said. It didn’t feel right to me to put Rosie in this situation, but Jack wasn’t giving me a way past this.

  He pulled me onto the dance floor and began dancing with me, his hands on my hips as we swayed to the music. His eyes flicked over to her. “Good sign, she’s not got her gun out yet.” He winked.

  I giggled. “You’re a bad man, Jack.”

  He snickered. “Not bad ass enough for you though, eh? I mean, I don’t have a bejeweled dick or anything like that.”

  His smile froze on his lips. “Sorry, honey, that was out before I thought about what I was saying. Don’t let it ruin the night.” I knew that Jack was joking, but he made reference to Alfie’s genital piercing. It was an innocent flirty joke from Jack, but his choice of humor left me feeling more than a little off balance.

  “C’mere.” He grabbed me and tugged me into his chest, his big strong arms wrapping around my waist. I inhaled Jack’s familiar scent. It was comforting, and his breath smelled of tequila and limes, as his mouth passed over my face.

  He kissed my forehead as we swayed to the slow music. “I wish I could wipe him out of your memory, honey.”

  I swallowed hard before answering. “Me too, Jack, but I’m doing fine now.” I smiled up at him.

  “Sorry for the…” I shook my head. “No need, Jack, I know it was a slip.” We finished dancing, and I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

  Rosie and Mandy were nowhere in sight. As I went to push the restroom door, I overheard Mandy talking.

  “You have no idea. If you love Jack, then you’ll accept Lily. She is no threat to you, except if you try to come between them. Jack loves Lily like he would love his own child, with a whole layer of his heart, honey. If you want a layer of Jack’s heart, you’ll love her too. There will be no compromise on that.”

  I heard her use the toilet. “Those two would never cross the line into a sexual relationship. It’s complex but beautiful what they have. Accept it, or walk away, Rosie. Sooner or later you’ll realize that.”

  I pushed the door open and smiled when my eyes met Mandy’s. “Hey guys, what’s happening? Did you enjoy the gig, Rosie?” I could see that she was struggling, so I quickly added, “You don’t know what it means for Jack to invite a girl. You must be very special, Rosie.” She smiled, and I knew we were alright…for now.

  Holly and Brett showed up late to the club; she had gone straight to work after my graduation ceremony. Brett kissed my cheek. “Hiya beautiful, congratulations, sweetheart.”

  I hugged Brett, and he signaled to the waitress, circling his arm around the drinks on our table. He made a small movement with his thumb and forefinger like he was holding a shot glass.

  She nodded and went to get shots for everyone. She brought back a bottle of tequila, some salt and limes, and a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.

  It was comical watching my mother take a shot of tequila. Jack quipped, “Way to go Roslyn, my turn for some of that dirty dancing next.”

  He winked, and my mother nearly choked at the thought. My dad smirked and muttered, “Yeah, and I get to swap with Rosie.”

  Lennon’s eyes went wide with surprise. “Jesus, you are all incestuous, and they say that some parts of America are full of inbred folks.” Everyone chuckled, staring at Lennon and his attempt at making a joke.

  Digs chuckled and his eyes flew over to the far side of the bar, narrowed then flicked back to Jack. His head nodded in the direction he wanted Jack to look at. I followed Jack’s gaze and froze.

  Elle was walking toward me with a grin on her face, looking pleased with her-self. “Hey!” She smirked at me and the surprised look I must have been sporting. “Well, well, and what do we have here?” She glanced at my half- drunk parents, smirked and rolled her eyes, nodded briefly at Jack, before sweeping in for a tight hug.

  “You didn’t really think I was going to miss your big day, did you?” Tears sprung to my eyes, but I was completely stoked that she had come to see me.

  Drew stood behind her, his hand on her shoulder, smiling at me nervously. He looked affluent, and well-groomed. When Elle moved aside, Drew and I had a hesitant moment before he rushed forward.

  “Come here, you,” he cooed, his large arms wrapping around me as he tugged me in tightly against his chest.

  Drew kissed the top of my head. “I hear you’ve been doing great things honey.” He rubbed the back of my shoulder while he spoke to me. It was great to see him but painful at the same time.

  This was the first time I’d seen anyone from Alfie’s band since the last time we were here in the club well over a year ago.

  I promised myself a happy day, and I wasn’t going to let anything upset me. “Yeah, well, Elle tells me that you’ve been busy too. She seems to be somewhere different every time I try to meet up with her.”

  It was the best I could do. I didn’t want to talk about his band. I hated that our conversation was strained, but everything else I’d done was the same as when he left.

  Louie sent my parents, Jack, and Rosie back to their hotel in his car. The driver came back for me and the guys afterwards and drove us all to Lennon’s place. We had all arranged to stay at his house tonight, so that we’d be able to organize the food for a cookout for all of our friends and my parents tomorrow.

  Lennon was lucky enough to have a pool, and I was really looking forward to sitting around it and spending some quality downtime with Jack and my parents.

  When we all got to Lennon’s, Digs crashed on a large metal hammock that looked really comfortable but sat randomly in the corner of the large sitting room.

  He was out like a light. Shawn stretched up with his hands above his head, his t-shirt riding up out of his dark blue jeans. He let out a loud grunt. “I guess I’ll go upstairs and get naked, no bathrooms down here for me to wander in and out of anyway.” He winked then flashed us a cheeky grin.

  Cody punched him in the side of the arm. “Dang, Shawn you mean we’ll miss out on that cute way you scratch your nuts when you’re looking for something?” I snickered but kept my mouth shut.

  Lennon, Cody, and I flopped down on his large sectional after he found some sodas and water for us to drink. “Great night, Lily. Your folks are a hoot. I’m just a teeny bit jealous of you and everyone that you have around you.”

  I knew that Lennon’s dad had skipped out on his mom and him when he was little. “You don’t have to be jealous Lennon, they’re your folks as well now; we’re family.”

  I got up and sat on his knee, planting a kiss on his forehead. I heard him swallow audibly at my gesture, before his eyes met mine. A slow smile spread on his lips. “You have no idea what that means to me.”

  We sat around talking about how the band could be better. We discussed how we should deal with the loads of song material we had, and I agreed to call Barney next week. This should give us time to select and record a demo tape of the best of what we had to showcase XrAid at Barney’s label.

  We talked about what we could do to raise the profile of the band. C
ody muttered, “Pity about the festival.”

  Lennon shot him a look, and Cody winced briefly, then his face went passive. Lennon sat forward on the couch. His hands placed between his open knees and rubbed his hands together. “Festival? What festival?” I looked puzzled at both of them wondering what in the hell they were talking about.

  Lennon’s eyes flicked to Cody, and he scowled, “It’s nothing, it didn’t come to anything.” Cody shifted uncomfortably, and Lennon shook his head at him when he thought I wasn’t looking. I could see they were lying.

  “Okay, what am I missing here?” I stood up and slapped my hands on my hips, walking around the sectional. Lennon’s eyes followed me, running his hands over his head nervously. “We were invited to play at the ‘On the Verge of Fame’ Festival.”

  I knew all about music festivals and what they could do for a band. This one in particular was a huge deal. This was a music promoters’ gig that was seen as a huge stepping stone into wider recognition for bands. It was by invitation only.

  Some of the best bands in the world had started at this particular event, and I knew that ‘music suits’ used these gigs in search of the next big thing.

  “Wow! And we’re not going, why?” Cody stood up and wandered over beside me, placing his hands on my shoulders. We stood eye to eye with him gazing at me sympathetically. “They always have a big band to headline. The headliner this year is Crakt Soundzz. We’re not going, Lily.” I took a minute to digest what he was saying to me. These guys were willing to sacrifice everything because of my previous relationship with Alfie?

  I looked between them, and Lennon gave me a small smile. “It’s okay, Lily, we discussed it between us, we all feel the same.” I was angry and hurt, they had been talking behind my back and discussing what was best for me without discussing it with me.

  “Am I even part of this band or just window dressing? No one fucking discussed it with me,” I spat, annoyed at their efforts to keep something this important from me.

  Lennon sat looking up at me with his elbows balanced on his knees, his hands spread out at me, palms up. “We don’t want to put you through that, Lily. We know what splitting from that guy did to you.”

  I shook my head, trying to be measured in my response. “So you would put my personal life before what’s best for the band? You’re all unbelievable. Touched as I am, this is about our careers here. Not my love life. Or the lack of it. If this had been Cody or any of the others and a girl, would you have considered not going?”

  Cody grimaced at Lennon. “She has a point, dude; we would still have played regardless.”

  I smirked, exhaled loudly, and threw my hand out at Cody. “See? We still have time right? You didn’t tell them we wouldn’t be going did you?”

  Lennon began to protest, “But it means…”

  I cut in. “Damn, Lennon, I know exactly what it means, and I’m fine with it.”

  “It’s in two weeks, Lily. You can face him again without going to pieces like before?” Lennon asked, clearly worried. I twisted my mouth. I was angry with Lennon, but my heart burst with the consideration he was trying to show me about potentially having to face Alfie again.

  “It’s been over a year, Lennon. I pretty much doubt we’d run into them during the event anyway. We’re small fry compared to them.”

  I huffed, and Cody walked over and sat back down. I squeezed between them and took their hands in mine. “Look, they’ll be somewhere separate from us. Besides, there isn’t any rule that says I have to stay there after we’ve performed. Crakt Soundzz is the headliners, so chances are we’ll have played and gone by the time they even get there.” I smiled, trying to reassure them that it would be okay to accept the offer.

  Lennon still looked worried. “If you’re sure… I’ll call them later.”

  I smirked, feeling smug that I had won the argument. “You do that Lennon, there’s nothing and no one that is going stop us as a band. Do you hear me? I gave Alfie up to do this, Lennon. Don’t you get it? I walked away from his life to follow my own dreams.”

  Cody pulled me against him and kissed my cheek, offering me support for my admission. I glanced up smiling at him. “We’re playing at ‘On the Verge of Fame’ OMG!” He chuckled.

  It took some convincing for Shawn and Digs to get that I really wanted to go perform at the festival, but once I had them on board, we had intense rehearsals during the following two weeks.

  We knew we had an hour slot at the event. Some of the bands were only given half an hour, because they didn’t have sufficient material the sponsors felt they wanted to hear. So we must have impressed somebody, somewhere.

  On the day of the festival itself, I was getting dressed, and I had some killer heels that I wanted to wear with my outfit. I was having difficulty locating exactly where I had put them and was rummaging through my closet.

  I crouched down low, pulling out boxes, trying to find the shoebox containing the navy blue Jimmy Choo shoes. I had almost forgotten I had them. It had been so long since I’d worn them.

  I knew I bought far too many shoes when I could almost forget I had these. As I stood up, I bumped into the pole I used to hook on to things when I needed to retrieve items from the top shelf.

  It accidently knocked against my memory keepsake box and sent it tumbling to the floor spilling the contents. A picture of Alfie and me wrapped in each other’s arms lay on the floor, taunting me from where it had landed. There we were; Alfie and me, the once briefly happy couple. The smiles and mutual looks of adoration between us, as we looked at each other, had been captured in the photograph perfectly.

  My eyes immediately filled with tears at the sight of this picture. It reminded me of a day we had spent on the beach. We had spent the whole afternoon lying there, in a romantic embrace, until the sunset.

  I gathered up my keepsakes from the floor and scooped them back into the box. My eyes fell on the letter Alfie had written to me. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of it. He’d written it a couple of weeks before I ended things.

  My fingers were shaking as they unfolded the paper. I sat quietly reading, remembering the effect the letter had on me at the time. I was delighted and couldn’t have been happier to get it. Seeing it again, it still had the same effect on me. It was like a punch to my heart.

  {To my beautiful, incredible, amazing girl who holds my heart.

  Today my life is perfect. Thank you, darling, for giving me another chance. I won’t squander it, I promise. I love you too much to ever let you go again. I will try with all of my heart never to let you down again. You make the sun shine brighter, music sound sweeter, and my heart feel fuller. I could never do justice to how I feel about you, or the love I have for you, by trying to express those feelings in words. I need you to breathe. You are like pure oxygen to me. When I touch you, we are amazingly connected. I think somehow my feelings radiate throughout your body. Your feelings ignite mine. You once gave me the perfect lyric for my favorite song, ‘Insatiable’, and I hope when I next play for you you’ll listen to my feelings for you. Until then know that you have my heart, my body, my soul, and all that I am. I am yours and you are mine, always and forever. I love you. These words are hollow and nowhere near what I want to convey to you, Lily, but I will do whatever it takes to be everything you need.}

  Alfie x

  My heart cracked, and I began to cry. I still loved him so much, but I knew I had to stay strong. I shook my head as if to try to shake the memories from my brain and stuffed everything back in the box.

  I didn’t even know why I kept those trinkets. We had been over for a long time now. I pushed it to the side and placed some boxes on top of it. I trembled when I thought about the reality that I faced today.

  It was a distinct possibility that I might just bump into him at the festival, if I was unlucky. Before the timely appearance of the memory box, I had been mentally preparing my
self just in case I saw Alfie.

  Now, I wasn’t feeling so confident about managing to keep it together. I had to find the confidence for XrAid, as well as myself, no question about it.

  I kept telling myself if I came into contact with him I was going to keep it light and professional. I really didn’t believe it would happen though.

  There were eight stages, and Crakt Soundzz was playing on the biggest one at the end. Never for a moment did I think we’d end up playing on the same stage, but that’s exactly what the running order said when it was emailed to us.

  All the bands on our stage had an hour slot. XrAid was fourth in the running order. So, there was a three hour gap until Crakt Soundzz took the stage. I figured we’d be long gone by then.

  Holly stared past me, into the mirror, where I was applying kohl to my eyes. “Are you sure about this, honey?”

  I smiled softly and turned to face her. “Honestly Holly, Alfie’s long over. I purposely didn’t put myself in situations where he was, because I didn’t want any more angst about our situation. I think I can safely say we’re both over it now.”

  She hugged me tightly. “Well, if you’re sure.”

  I smirked and tried to sound convincing. “Positive,” I concluded with what I hoped was a finality to my voice, even if it wasn’t what I was feeling.

  Lennon came over and picked me up with the rest of the guys apart from Digs. Lennon told me that Digs was coming under his own steam, since he was bringing his sister.

  The radio was blaring, and Shawn was already getting into the zone, tapping out the percussions in time to a song I had never heard before.

  “Damn, wish we’d written this. I could have done so much better with it.” He sounded frustrated about the percussions. I smirked at him, and he held his hands up. “What… I definitely could have.” He grinned, and his eyebrows rose up into his hairline.

  We arrived at our stage area to check out the running order. Lennon’s eyes scrolled down the list, and his head spun to stare wide-eyed at me. His face had gone pale, and I just knew there had been a last minute change that would affect me.