Everything I want: Will Alfie and Lily's love survive?...

by K. L. Shandwick

  “You have no idea what that feels like. The constant rejections. Apart from that, half the time the girls being chosen had already been on the casting couch, and I never stood a chance before I even put myself out there. The only real difference between you and me, Lily, is that I love Drew more than I love dancing.” She wagged her finger between us to emphasize her point.

  Elle looked down at her hands and began pulling her fingers. “I’m not going to lie, Lily. It was a hell of an adjustment for me, but one I’d do again and again, because Drew means that much to me. The real question you have to ask yourself is exactly how much does Alfie mean to you?” My jaw dropped, Elle and I had never had a cross word before, and here she was tearing me a new one.

  “You don’t get it, Elle. Alfie means everything to me.” She cocked one eyebrow at me. “Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Lily. If that’s so, why are you putting distance between you?”

  I was fed up with her take on things now. “Listen, Elle, I’d appreciate it if you would just take your opinions somewhere else and let me finish up here.”

  Elle stood up and squeezed my shoulder. “Someone’s got to make you see sense, Lily. A guy like Alfie won’t stick around forever, while you pick and choose what parts of a relationship you’re willing to give him.” She walked out of the room and closed the door quietly behind her.

  By the time I’d finished packing, Alfie still wasn’t back from the sound check. I was hoping to spend some time with him before our bus left.

  Lennon appeared at the door. “We’re almost done, Lily; we need to get on the road in fifteen minutes.” I twisted my lips, thinking that the time had come for me to say goodbye to Alfie. It had been the one thing in all of this I was dreading, and I was wishing I didn’t have to do it now.

  We were leaving for Munich and had a hard five days ahead of us before we had another day off. Sound checks and rehearsals awaited us as soon as we arrived. Running out the bus door, I headed over to the venue to find Alfie.

  The guys weren’t on stage or in the dressing rooms, and I was all out of places to look. My heart was sinking to the pit of my stomach. I was going to have to leave without seeing him. I had missed him this morning, and he hadn’t come back to see me.

  I doubled back and checked again, asking the crew that were around if they had seen where they had gone, but no one knew anything. I felt sick that I was leaving, and I knew that when I went back to the bus, I would have run out of time.

  Hell, I already had. We should have been on the road about ten minutes ago. Cody was coming in the stage door just as I was about to cross into the area where our buses were parked.

  “There you are, we need to get going, Lily. We’ve got a lot to do when we get there.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, sorry Cody, I know, but I can’t find Alfie to say goodbye.”

  Cody pulled me to him. “I saw the band head out in one of the limos about an hour ago. I guess they must have an interview of some kind.” I swallowed hard and burst into tears, my heart cracking open. He was gone.

  Alfie hadn’t come back, and I never got that last precious hug or kiss from him. I stiffened up and wiped my tears on my jacket sleeve. “Okay, let me get my jacket, and we’re out of here.”

  I ran back to the bus, and Elle was sitting on sofa in the lounge area using her tablet. She looked up at me. “See you in London, Lily. Good luck with Cobham Street.” She looked back at her tablet and didn’t get up, and I knew her well enough to know that this wasn’t just about the argument we’d had earlier in the morning.

  “You knew didn’t you, Elle? Alfie wasn’t coming back this morning to see me.”

  She shrugged. “I’m not getting involved, Lily. I was just…trying to be your friend, that’s all.”

  Elle didn’t get up or look at me again, and Cody appeared at the door banging on the side of the bus. “Lily, ass in the bus right now. We’re leaving.” I turned and jumped down to the ground and looked back. Elle still hadn’t moved. I closed the door and made my way to our bus with a heavy heart.

  How could Alfie do this to me? We’d had the time of our lives and now it was ending on a sour note. I tried to text him.

  Pink Lady: Where are you? Can I come and see you before we leave?

  Alfie didn’t reply, and I had to close the bus door. We pulled out of the compound, and Cody pulled me into his arms while I buried my face in his shirt. “You’ll be okay, honey. We’ll keep an eye on you, I know we’re not Alfie, but we love you too, Lily.” Cody rubbed my back as I let the tears flow.

  Chapter 30 – Alice

  Dinner on the bus was strained. I was very poor company afterwards. Digs and Cody had cooked for us. I made a big deal of being tired and crawled into my bed to try to get some privacy.

  There was still no word from Alfie. I texted him three times and left a voicemail about how sad I was to be leaving. I knew that he’d be on stage now and wouldn’t be sending me anything any time soon. I broke down and cried myself to sleep.

  When I woke it was hot and stuffy. My head ached, and I had the most nauseous feeling. The bus engine hummed and the bed felt claustrophobic. I edged my way down to the end and off the bunk, walking unsteadily to the toilet. This little space was also stuffy and seemed to magnify the waves of nausea that were hitting me.

  I spun around quickly and spewed the contents of my stomach into the bowl. The vomit just kept coming in copious amounts, until there was nothing left, and it turned into dry heaving. Sweat drenched me, making my tank and shorts stick to my clammy body.

  Eventually, it felt safe enough to leave the toilet without being sick. Lennon was sitting with one leg balanced across the other knee, and he was holding his ankle. As soon as he saw me he stood and placed his hands either side of my arms. “Jeez, Lily, are you okay, honey?”

  I exhaled shakily. “Not really, I feel like shit. It must be food poisoning.” Lennon called Kieron, who had flown ahead to Germany. It was only five am, but he felt that I needed some treatment, especially as I was going to be traveling by bus for the next six hours until we arrived in Munich for the gig.

  The motion of the bus wasn’t helping. At times I wasn’t sure whether the sickness I was feeling was due to the movement of the bus, or the food I’d eaten.

  Kieron had a medic meet us at a service station. The doctor gave me a big jab in my butt for the nausea and some horrible salty tasting powders to rebalance my electrolytes. It made me feel better. Lennon was a brilliant help and was the type of person everyone would want in an emergency.

  If I was ever in doubt about how Lennon felt about me, I wasn’t now. He held my hair back, wiped my brow, and summoned help. He encouraged me to keep drinking fluids, and when he’d done all of that, he just sat holding me and stroking my hair.

  I slept the rest of the journey and by the time we arrived in Munich I felt a bit better but was still feeling depressed about the way that Alfie had dealt with me leaving yesterday. I checked my cell, and there was still no contact from him.

  I kept staring at it. Willing it to beep with a message. Anything to make me feel better. I couldn’t bring myself to contact Elle for information now either, because I doubted she’d feel like helping me after my shouting at her the way I did. I showered, dressed, and after a couple of glasses of honey and lemon, I began to feel like I’d get through the day.

  When we saw the stadium we were playing this time, swallowing was especially hard. The place was gigantic, and I had a sudden attack of nerves.

  We made our way into the cavernous tunnel and out into the massive space. When we neared the stage I could hear Rick’s voice shouting to the lighting guys.

  I was stage right and stood hugging myself, waiting patiently for him to finish so that I could check what time the production team wanted us to be out there. Rick spoke to the girl with the clipboard and turned back to speak with someone on my side of the stage.
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  His face broke into a wide grin when he saw me. “Lily,” he cooed. “Hello, sweetheart. Great to see you. Alice was hot, but jeez girl, you leave her in the shade. All set to do your thing here tonight?” I smiled and wondered who the hell Alice was but tried to look enthusiastic and cover my nerves.

  “I can’t wait.” What I really meant was I couldn’t wait for the next two weeks to be done so that I could get back to my life, but Rick couldn’t know that.

  “Who’s Alice?” I asked; he’d piqued my interest by comparing me to her.

  “Lead singer with Bubble Card.” This was the band replacing us to support Crakt Soundzz. How the fuck did I not know that they had a female lead singer? It would be fun to swap stories with her about her experiences, because I hadn’t come across any other females in rock bands to date.

  Rick and I chatted easily, catching up with what had happened with both our gigs to date, until he left to go lie down. I giggled when he told me he needed to do that.

  Women threw themselves at Rick Fars. He was regarded as a stud and hell-raiser, and here he was sneaking off after his sound check to take a nap. It just didn’t fit at all with his image. He kissed the top of my head as he was leaving.

  “Has that Alfie not made an honest woman of you yet, Lily?” He smirked and raised his eyebrows at me. “I might have to do that, if he isn’t going to make a move on you soon.” I smiled at him, but it was frozen on my face. He waved behind him as he headed back to his bus. “See you later honey.”

  Alfie and I had never really talked about us long term, apart from me being “the love of his life.” Since he hasn’t been in touch, I’ve been feeling like I’ve made a mistake. We still haven’t even spoken about what happened when I left. It had been almost forty eight hours since we last spoke, if I counted when he fell asleep in bed beside me.

  He hadn’t answered my texts or even attempted to call me. What did he expect from me? And how in the hell were we supposed to make it, when he was stumbling at the first hurdle?

  Quite a difficult thing to deal with. Not knowing where I stood would have to be put to the side. I knew I had to maintain focus on what XrAid had to do tonight, and being unwell last night meant I was now drawing on my reserves to help me though.

  By the time we went on stage, Kieron had brought us up to speed on everything that was expected of us. The production team had been clever with our setup, and Lennon was uncharacteristically animated in his account of having an early dinner with Cobham Street.

  I was absolutely delighted about everything that was happening for Lennon; if anyone was a professional musician it was him. He deserved this chance, and I had no doubt about his level of commitment to making the most of this opportunity.

  Cody was a brilliant support to me, as usual, just before we went on stage; Digs was as well. Shawn, being Shawn, loved to get a rise out of me with some of his naked jokes which helped me control my nerves. I ached from laughing at him; he was a great distraction. As well as the usual anticipation and nervous energy of stepping out on stage, tonight we were playing to our biggest crowd.

  The thought of standing out there and making a mistake in front of sixty thousand people was almost paralyzing, but like Cody said, they were there “because they wanted us to do well, not to see us fuck up on stage.” I really loved Cody’s eternal optimism about things.

  Alfie was right. It was easier to play to a larger crowd than a small one. I couldn’t really see many of them, so it was easier not to focus on the crowd and just enjoy playing in an amazing space. The fans were fantastic, and the constant roaring between songs was like an injection of adrenaline spurring us on.

  After the gig, Rick’s band’s runner came to our dressing room. Rick wanted to have drinks with us after the meet and greet. This was my least favorite part of the day. I found the after-parties the most difficult thing about doing live performances.

  We were expected to do an hour to an hour and a half set, which was really strenuous, then continue with another three to four hours of socializing. The expectation of us to meet fans, that part I could understand, but the constant networking with music execs and promoters, radio DJs and reporters was something I could really do without.

  I leaned into my purse and pulled out my cell to check if there was any word from Alfie. Again, there was nothing at all. I threw my cell back in my bag and saw Shawn smirking at me. “Still nothing?” I felt that if he made some crass joke at that point, there would be a high chance I would have decked him.

  “He hasn’t answered any of my texts or calls, happy Shawn?” He stood and walked over to me. “You want me to call him, Lily? I could just see that he was okay for you, at the very least.” I swallowed hard. Shawn was concerned, and that took the wind out of my sails.

  I had been ready to take all my pent up frustrations on him, but he was being really sweet and offering me genuine support. I shrugged at Shawn. “I guess he doesn’t like me being on tour with Cobham Street.” It was all I could think of in reply.

  Cody came over and slung his arm around me. “I already called him, honey. I told him what he was doing to you wasn’t cool.” I shrugged again and let out a large breath that I hadn’t remembered taking.

  “Okay guys, listen up, I’m only going to say this once. Don’t call Alfie on my behalf. I’m not calling him from now on. We’ve got a job to do here, and I’m going to make sure that Rick and the guys in Cobham Street are happy with us supporting them. Whatever Alfie’s deal is can wait until our gigs have finished.”

  Lennon looked relieved, and Digs came over and fist bumped me. “Always said you had balls, Lily.” He nodded once and left the room to go meet with the fans.

  I had no idea how I got through the night, but I was smiling and making all the right noises and finally we went to Rick’s bus to have some drinks and relax.

  Rick was really kind to us. I couldn’t believe how accommodating he was and how he took me under his wing. He was almost as protective of me as the guys were.

  “We’re having dinner on Friday, Lily.” It wasn’t a request, more of a statement. Thursday would be the last of five straight nights, and we had the next day off.

  I couldn’t wait to have the luxury of a bathroom and a great bed to stretch out in. Cody stared at me when he overheard Rick. I smirked at Cody. I knew he thought that Rick would try to seduce me. Maybe a few years ago he would have. I was young, naïve, and weak willed then, but definitely not these days.

  Exhausted, I couldn’t think about anything when I got back to the bus and collapsed into my bed. I didn’t remember anything from that night.

  The following three nights followed the same pattern, including rehearsing and then doing the show. I lay around mainly watching TV or eating. I could see how easy it would be to get out of shape doing this.

  No wonder our management team was giving us the hard sell on yoga and Pilates classes. Cody’s six pack abs could turn into a beer belly in no time if he was left to his own devices.

  By Thursday night I was really angry with Alfie. Apart from Cody’s reassurance on Monday that he’d spoken to Alfie, I had heard nothing. I didn’t text him again and decided that I couldn’t afford to dwell on his behavior or the fact that he had been so off with me.

  My mind kept flitting back to our last night together. There was nothing out of the ordinary between us, and we had both told each other how much we’d miss being together. Yet, he’d put up a wall of silence.

  We managed to get away from the management by 1am on Friday morning, and I was first back on the bus. I decided to take another shower and had already decided that I was going to send Alfie a letter via Jerry, who was flying to London. Crakt Soundzz were going to be in London on Sunday, and he could hand deliver it.

  I was feeling much better after I decided to do something proactive and almost resigned myself that if there was no reply to this, I was done with A
lfie.

  No matter how I felt about him, there was no way I could live with this hot-and-cold behavior. My head hurt from crying buckets of tears during the past few days, and I was sick of feeling like I was less of a person because I had a career.

  I turned the shower off and pulled on my shorts and tank that I was sleeping in. As soon as I opened the door I could hear a whispered, heated discussion going on between Lennon and Cody. It didn’t really register with me until I got near the kitchen where they were sitting.

  Cody whispered, “Well it’s all kinds of wrong, Lenny, she needs to know.” Lennon made a growling noise at Cody. “Keep the fuck out of it, we don’t know for sure,” he finished. Cody banged his hand on the table. “Who the fuck are we being loyal to here Lennon, Lily or Alfie?”

  As soon as I heard my name, I realized whatever Lennon didn’t want to deal with involved me. I pushed myself into view. “So…are you going to tell me whatever you think I need to know about Cody, or are you happy to leave me ignorant about it, Lennon?”

  Lennon’s narrowed eyes flicked to Cody, and he scowled at him. His face was ashen, and his jaw ticked. I could see whatever it was, wasn’t going to be good news.

  Cody scratched the back of his head and stood up. “Come over here, honey.” He pulled me down beside him at the table and pulled his laptop open. It was on a blog page the official reporter was running about the Crakt Soundzz tour.

  As my eyes fell on the webpage I realized instantly what Lennon was at pains to hide from me. Alfie was sitting smiling surrounded by the band. He looked very relaxed and happy. He didn’t appear to be missing me at all.

  There was a pretty, tall blonde in a black skimpy dress sitting on his lap holding a glass of wine. It looked like her other hand was tangled in the back of his hair. Alfie’s hand was resting on her hip near her ass, and they looked really cozy together.