by Jim Ladd
“Wait—” Sam interrupted as a plan started to form in his head. “Let’s wait and find out what he’s up to first, then we can work out how to stop him.”
Just then, the dinner gong sounded, making both of them jump.
“OK then,” Comet sighed. “But then we’ll get that no-good, dirty, planet-robbing…” Comet trailed off, muttering under his breath.
As they reached the mess hall, Goldstar strolled in behind them.
“And he wore my wig!” spluttered Comet indignantly. “To think that a relative of Black-Hole Beard has had his great fat head in my ceremonial—”
“Shush – we can’t let him know we know, remember,” said Sam, under his breath.
Goldstar went to sit down in Comet’s chair, just as the captain was sitting down at the same time.
“Oops! Easy there, me hearty – didn’t see you,” said Goldstar. “Didn’t think this seat was taken.”
“Oh, no problem,” said Comet. “It’s just this is the captain’s chair…”
Goldstar smiled a thin little smile. “Then of course, Captain, please take your seat.”
“No, no, you’re the guest, please, you have it,” Comet replied, ushering Goldstar to the chair.
“On the contrary, ye should have it,” said Goldstar, stepping back.
“No you,” said Comet.
“No ye,” Goldstar replied.
“Well, I suppose I am the captain,” said Comet and slipped into his seat and sat down.
“Yess, ye are, aren’t ye…” Goldstar smiled his wolfish smile once more. “Anyway, Cap’n, I was thinking,” he said, as he loomed over Comet. “Perhaps this afternoon the crew would like to see the bowling-ball factory next to the grum warehouse?”
Comet looked at Goldstar as he continued. “They could get themselves a custom-made ball and have a drink of grum; thought they might enjoy it. Just an idea…”
Goldstar smiled at Comet again and went to find a seat at one of the tables.
“Actually, that does sound like fun,” whispered Comet to Sam.
“Have you forgotten who we’re dealing with?” Sam replied in exasperation.
“Oh, yes, sorry,” said Comet.
“I think he’s trying to keep us here for some reason,” Sam said thoughtfully. “It must have something to do with Black-Hole Beard.”
“Well, in that case, we need to get going,” Comet said firmly. “Time for a captain’s announcement!”
Captain Comet stood up and tapped his knife against his metal tankard to get everyone’s attention.
The noise in the busy dining hall faded away.
“Good evening and sorry for disturbing your meal – and thank you once again to Barney for his efforts,” said Comet.
Goldstar mumbled something to the pirates sitting next to him, who laughed.
Comet gave them a hard stare and continued. “Well, I hope you’ve all enjoyed our visit. I must say, even a seasoned old space dog like myself has never clapped eyes on a planet such as this. Clearly the atmosphere takes a bit of getting used to and it can have a strange effect on your bowling technique…”
Goldstar muttered something again, to much bigger laughs this time.
“…but it is still a fantastic place for a pirate to spend some time. Unfortunately the time has come to leave…”
On the word “leave” there was a chorus of complaints.
“But Captain, there’s so much more to see!” said Goldstar.
“Well, yes, I’m sure there is. But we’re on a mission to Planet X don’t forget—”
“But we want to stay!” Goldstar stood up and raised his arms wide, appealing to the crew. “What say you, me hearties?” he asked the pirates.
There was an uproar of voices all shouting to be heard.
Captain Comet looked shocked. His face began to go red and his moustache started quivering like a franpod jelly. He stood up to his full height and bellowed at the top of his voice, “SILENCE!”
The room went quiet.
“It is not up to the crew,” said Comet, clearly and deliberately, “and it’s not up to you, Goldstar. I decide where and when the Jolly Apollo sails, because I am the captain!”
It was so quiet that you could hear the rust flaking off the ship’s hull.
“Except,” said Goldstar, a slow, sly, smile stretching across his face, “if a captain goes against the wishes of his hearty crew, perhaps he shouldn’t be captain any more…”
Captain Comet’s face turned white.
“This is mutiny,” he whispered, as if he couldn’t quite believe what was happening.
Goldstar leaped from his seat.
“What do ye say, me hearties? Is this what you want? Scuttling about the galaxies on this old rust bucket? Working all day and then hanging in hammocks at night?”
Pegg yelled out, “No!” Legg’s usual cheeriness wavered. The crew looked unsure.
“Why do all that,” Goldstar continued, “when you could be having a bit of hard-earned, well-deserved rest here?”
More of the crew muttered in agreement and the cheers grew louder. Captain Comet was beginning to look like a Haroonian Jack Rabbit caught in the headlights of a dust racer.
“But we’re going to Planet X,” Sam insisted. “To find treasure!” His words were lost as Goldstar picked up his bowl and smashed it on to the floor.
“And you call this food?” Goldstar bellowed. “I thought you’d been draining the hull’s toilets. This isn’t food fit for proper space pirates!”
Sam looked over at Barney, who seemed to be on the verge of tears. But Goldstar had also seen him.
“Barney, Barney, Barney,” he said, patting one of the Kracken’s tentacles. “This isn’t anything personal. I’m thinking about you. After a hard day aboard the ship, surely you deserve a break too. Look, have some of this.”
Goldstar went to a large trunk in the mess room and flung it open. Inside it was filled to the top with supernova floss.
“Here, Barney, you should have the first piece. Now, doesn’t that taste good? And you didn’t even have to do anything! There’s plenty here for everyone – we are on Bowlopia after all.”
Sam watched as the crew jostled and shoved each other to get at the supernova floss. It was not a dignified sight.
“I tell you, boys, if it were up to me we’d be having supernova floss and grum every day,” said Goldstar, taking a large bite of his sugary treat. “I’d make a much better captain than old Patches here,” said Goldstar, that evil smile flashing across his face again.
To Sam’s horror, there were some mutterings of support from the crew.
“Your problem, Comet, is that you can’t see the truth of it even though it’s right there in front of you. Too many eyepatches, I reckon.”
There was a ripple of laughter.
Sam stood up suddenly.
“Stop it all of you!” he shouted. “Yeah, Goldstar seems like good fun, but you won’t be laughing when you find out who he really is.”
The smile froze on Goldstar’s face and he shot Sam a hard look.
“Goldstar is Black-Hole Beard’s brother!” shouted Sam, poking his finger into Goldstar’s middle. “You can’t trust him as far as you could bowl him!”
There was a loud intake of breath from the crew and they all looked at Goldstar. Goldstar stared back at them. For a second his lower lip wobbled, and Sam thought he was about to burst into tears. Then he started laughing.
“I think the anti-grav rides have affected someone’s brains,” he said, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye. “In my day I would have been flogged for telling tall tales like that, but thankfully we live in happier times. And, after all, he’s just a stowaway isn’t he, me hearties?”
A few of the crew murmured their agreement.
Goldstar continued. “Now, what’s this buffoonery? Me, Black-Hole Beard’s brother? Really? Do I look anything like that old rogue? I don’t even have a beard!”
“That’s true,” Legg m
uttered.
“And if I was Black-Hole Beard’s brother, would I be giving you these?”
Goldstar spread his hands like a magician, revealing a host of tickets.
“Free day-passes for the funfair for everyone!” he crowed.
There were “oohs” and “ahhs” from the crew.
“And not only that – they’re golden tickets. These beauties mean you can jump any queue you see.”
The crew cheered.
“I’ll tell you again, me hearties, if I were captain this is what it would be like all the time: supernova floss, grum and Bowlopia.”
The crew cheered again.
“What say you all we put it to the vote?” said Goldstar.
“Vote, vote, vote,” chanted the crew.
“What?” Sam stared around at his friends in dismay.
Pegg and Legg shrugged.
“Supernova floss,” Legg told Sam sheepishly.
“He’s right about the food,” Pegg muttered grumpily.
“But you can’t just call a vote and decide who’s going to be captain!” said Sam, confused and outraged in equal measure.
“Erm, I’m afraid, technically speaking, he can,” said Comet, his moustache drooping.
“It’s the pirate code,” Goldstar smirked. “Once a captain has been in charge for three voyages anyone can challenge him to a vote. If the challenger gets all of the crew’s votes, then they become the new captain.”
“And how many voyages have you been the captain for?” Sam asked Comet, desperately.
“Ooh, let’s see; well, at a rough guess I’d say…” Comet started to count on his ringed fingers.
“Come on…” Goldstar said.
“Hmm, I’m not sure. Less than the stars in the Caslovian galaxy, but more than the warts on a snaffleflax’s nose…”
“Captain!” Sam interrupted.
“OK, two…” Comet started.
“Two? But that’s fantastic!” Sam yelled.
“…thousand three hundred and fifty-seven,” Comet finished sadly.
“Oh. That’s a bit more than three,” said Sam.
“Indeed,” Comet agreed, his moustache drooping miserably.
“Well then, Comet, we both know how this works,” said Goldstar.
Comet nodded and gave a signal. Two buckets were put on the table in front of him and Goldstar. Then Pegg and Legg went into Comet’s cabin and came out holding a small, dusty chest.
Barney leaned over to Sam. “Every ship comes with its own captain’s chest,” he explained.
With great ceremony, and not too much pushing and shoving, Pegg and Legg paraded the chest past the crew, placed it on the table between the buckets, and flicked it open, revealing lots of brass tokens, like old-fashioned coins.
“One coin, one vote,” Barney whispered.
Each coin had a skull and crossed laser blasters on one side, and on the other a picture of the Jolly Apollo. Pegg threw the coins into the crowd and they arced through the air and bounced off the wooden floorboards. The pirates scrambled to pick up one each, but Sam was left empty-handed. He dived to snatch up the last one, then watched as it tumbled towards the edge of the deck and floated off into space.
“I didn’t get one!” Sam protested.
“What a shame, stowaway,” Goldstar hissed. “No coin, no vote.”
The crew lined up and shuffled past the two men, dropping their tokens into the bucket placed in front of the person they wanted to vote for. Sam watched in horror as token after token clattered into Goldstar’s bucket.
Comet sat with his head in his hands, unable to look at what was happening. Goldstar, however, perched on the edge of the table, beaming and nodding, and handing out funfair passes to everyone as they passed.
Sam couldn’t believe that the crew was being duped so easily by Goldstar. They seemed to have turned their backs on Captain Comet just for some sweets and fairground rides. Surely not everyone would fall for it? Then Barney walked up and dropped his token into Goldstar’s bucket. Sam was gobsmacked.
“Et tu, Barney?” said Comet sadly.
“No, I only ate one,” said Barney, looking confused and holding up his empty supernova floss stick.
Comet lapsed back into silence as the last pirate stepped forward and clattered his coin into Goldstar’s bucket.
“That’s it!” Goldstar shouted triumphantly. “The votes are cast – and the result is unanimous!”
There was a loud cheer from the crew.
“Wait!” Sam started. “I haven’t…”
“Move it, worm-breath!” Goldstar snarled, shoving Sam out of his path.
Comet sagged in his seat for a moment then, pulling together what was left of his dignity, sat up straight, took off his hat and handed it to Sam.
“Please pass this to Goldstar, Sam,” said Comet. “He’s captain now.”
Sam looked at the captain’s hat in his hand then stared up at Goldstar, who was still perched on the edge of the table, smiling smugly.
“Come on then, lad, hand it over,” said Goldstar.
“You don’t deserve to wear this hat!” shouted Sam. “And you lot should be ashamed of yourselves.”
He flung the hat at Goldstar’s feet. Goldstar glared at Sam, his black eyes filled with menace.
“You’ll pay for your insolence, my lad, you mark my words,” he hissed.
The pirate bent over and retrieved the hat from the floor. With a flick of his hand he brushed some dust in Sam’s direction, then placed the hat on his head grandly, as if he were a king being crowned. He wandered over to where a large copper cooking pot hung from the ceiling and admired his reflection in its shining polished surface.
“Right then, me hearties, down to business,” said Goldstar. “You there, relieve your old captain of that map he’s so keen on.”
Romero walked uneasily up to Comet, who handed over the map with a resigned air.
“No!” shouted Sam. “That’s mine! I need it to find my parents!”
“First mate – restrain that impudent pup!” barked Goldstar.
Two firm hands grabbed Sam’s arms.
“Pegg! Legg!” Sam yelled as he struggled.
“Orders are orders,” Pegg replied.
“But we’re really sorry,” added Legg.
Goldstar sauntered over, took the map, then leaned down to stare at Sam. He was so close that Sam could feel his breath on his face.
“You need to quit your yapping, my boy,” Goldstar snarled. “This is my map now and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
Goldstar turned to the crew.
“Right, me hearties, turn on the holoscreen,” Goldstar commanded. “I’ve got a surprise for you all!”
Goldstar grinned broadly as he assembled the crew in front of the giant holoscreen.
“I wonder if it’s more news about Bowlopia,” said Zlit.
“I bet it’s a visit to the grum factory!” Barney jumped up and down.
“No, it’ll be the supernova floss mines,” Romero guessed.
Sam was still held firmly in Pegg and Legg’s clutches. Beside him stood Comet, who somehow looked smaller and more pathetic than usual. All of his usual swagger and bravado had gone, as though it had been stripped away when he’d handed over his hat. Even his moustache drooped sadly.
Goldstar stamped his peg leg on the deck to get everyone’s attention. “Well me hearties, many thanks from the bottom of this old sea dog’s shrivelled black heart. I knew you’d all see sense about who to make captain, and you didn’t let me down.”
The crew of the Apollo all smiled at each other; all except Sam and Comet.
“Now, I run a tight ship,” Goldstar declared. “So there are going to be some changes around here. The first thing is that we’re going to join forces with another vessel. The other ship’s captain will be the admiral in charge of our little fleet.”
Goldstar flashed his gold-toothed smile at the bemused crew and switched on the holoscreen. The large screen fli
ckered into life and the crew gasped in unison.
“Say hello to Admiral Black-Hole Beard!” Goldstar laughed. Black-Hole Beard’s face filled the screen: dark eyes burning beneath wild black hair; a long scar disappearing into a curly black beard; gold teeth glinting as he threw back his head and laughed.
“Ahoy there, little brother, a good day’s work. Well done!” laughed the fearsome pirate captain. “And who is that I see at the back? Is it Ex-Captain Vomit? Back where you belong, Joseph, being a nobody.”
Baggot, perched as always on Black-Hole Beard’s shoulder, fluffed up its tatty feathers and began to sing:
“There once was a useless Comet,
Who was the worst pirate of all.
He lost the vote,
So he lost his boat!
The captain has taken a fall.
Cawwwrrrrr!”
On the screen, Yarr threw back his head and gave a barking laugh. “Yarrr, arr, arr.”
“And as for the rest of you sorry planet-lubbers,” snarled Black-Hole Beard, “you’re going to realise what it’s like to be proper pirates instead of the intergalactic imbeciles you are at the moment. My brother here will soon whip you into shape and woe betide anyone who doesn’t come up to scratch!” Black-Hole Beard turned to his brother, who promptly saluted.
“Cap’n Goldstar!” Black-Hole Beard gave a wicked smile. “The Gravity’s Revenge is three days’ sail away. I trust you can keep this pathetic excuse for a crew busy until I arrive.”
“Aye, aye, Admiral.” Goldstar grinned.
Abruptly the screen switched off and the Apollo was swept by a wave of stunned silence.
“Right then, you scurvy dogs, you heard your Admiral, let’s get this rust bucket of a ship ready to sail!” shouted Goldstar.
“But what about Bowlopia?” cried Barney. “We’ve got free passes!”
“You might want to check the date on those,” said Goldstar, with an evil grin.
Barney put the ticket up to his eyes and read the small print. “They’ve expired!” he howled. “That’s not fair! I want Captain Comet back!”
