Loving Rowan

by Ariadne Wayne

  You are gorgeous. I love you.

  I pressed send and waited for the reply. I’d have given anything to be at the hospital with her, but I would just have to content myself with going up in the morning.

  Can you bring my laptop in tomorrow?

  I shook my head with a laugh. She would get bored over the next few days; I guess it made sense she wanted something to keep her entertained. This separation would be as hard for her as it was for me, though she had it worse. At least I got to sleep in our bed.

  She had the baby with her, though. Damn it, we still needed to work out what we were going to call her. She couldn’t be ‘baby’ her whole life.

  Maybe that was why Rowan wanted her laptop. The list of names we made was on it. Maybe tomorrow we would name our little girl.

  I love you too.

  There was another text, and I tucked the phone beside me in bed as I nestled between the sheets.

  ~

  Rowan’s mother had cooked breakfast in the morning, and I ate quickly. The number one thing on my mind was my wife and child, and the sooner I could be with them, the better.

  “We’re going to do some sightseeing today, give you two some space. We’ll be up in the afternoon,” she said.

  I nodded. “Thanks. Rowan asked for her laptop. I think she wants to go over the list of baby names so we can give this girl her name.”

  “Naming children is so hard. We struggled with all of ours.”

  “Where did Rowan’s name come from?”

  She smiled. “From a book I was reading at the time. I liked it, and so did her father. We might have rethought it if we’d known the teasing she was going to get. That was upsetting.”

  “I’m sure it was. I like it; it really suits her.”

  I grabbed another piece of toast. “Now, I’m in the shower. Be back soon.”

  When I came back out, I heard her talking on the phone, telling someone what ward Rowan was in. I assumed a family member or friend was sending her flowers, and thought nothing more of it as I set off to see her.

  I tucked her laptop bag under my arm as I left the car. Just the thought of being with my girls again made me warm inside. All I needed was them.

  He sat beside the bed, and the atmosphere was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. Rowan sat, paying all the attention to the baby and very little to Andrew, who was talking about something. She very clearly wasn’t listening, and I could see the irritation on his face that only increased when I walked in.

  “Hey, babe,” I said, placing the laptop bag on the table beside the bed. She looked up at me with that hazy, far-away look on her face. Blissful and serene.

  I bent to kiss her, lingering on her lips before nuzzling her nose.

  “Now I know who your mother was talking to,” I said, looking at Andrew.

  “I got to the hospital, and didn’t know which ward Rowan was in,” he replied stiffly. I wondered if he thought he could sneak in and out early to avoid me. Too late for that.

  “He brought flowers and a present for the baby,” Rowan said. She was completely focused on me now, and I didn’t know if it was a concerted effort on her part, or if she was ignoring him.

  “That was nice. Thank you, Andrew,” I said, smiling at him. All I wanted to do was to take him out and punch him in the face, but that wasn’t going to happen.

  “Thanks for bringing my laptop in. I had an idea last night on how to solve the problem of not knowing what to name this one. I’ll just write a little programme, add all the names into it, and we can randomly select one and see if it fits.”

  I laughed. “Trust you, smarty-pants. It’s as good an idea as any.” I looked down at the wrapped bundle in her arms. “Want to come to Daddy while Mummy is putting you through the computer?”

  She rolled her eyes as she passed the baby to me. Andrew sat forgotten as she pulled the tray table around and started up her computer.

  I stroked my little girl’s face. “We might just have a name for you shortly, sweetheart. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

  Rowan grinned. “Cheeky. Won’t take long. I’ll just put all the names in and we’ll draw one out.”

  I looked at Andrew. He had this sulky look on his face, left out of everything.

  “I’m surprised to see you here,” I asked.

  He shrugged. “I know things haven’t been good between us. I wanted to show Rowan that I care.”

  “You have great timing. Rowan and I have never been happier. Our little girl is amazing.”

  He glared at me. “I’m glad she’s okay. Her mother said something happened.”

  “Nothing we can’t work through. Just means I get to keep a real close eye on Rowan.”

  At that, Rowan looked up. “How close?” She had that gorgeous grin across her face, the one she’d worn almost non stop since our wedding day.

  “Oh, very close, Mrs Warner.” I leaned over to kiss her. Never in my life did I ever think I would feel so much love. All for my wife and for my daughter.

  “Give me five, and maybe we’ll have a name for our girl.” She was so excited, and I stroked her face with the palm of my hand before settling down on the bed with my girl in my arms.

  “So, how are you, Andrew?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”

  I wanted to ask if he’d replaced Charlie yet. After all that crap with him coming onto Rowan, I wondered if he would just move on. But asking him that might prove to be the wrong move, and I didn’t want to stir things up too much. Turned out I didn’t have to.

  “So, have you got a girlfriend?” Rowan asked, not looking up from the screen.

  “No.” He looked at her expectantly, as if he were waiting for her to interact with him more. Instead she tapped away at her keyboard, smiling as she finished what she was working on.

  “I should get going,” Andrew said.

  “Sure. Bye.” Rowan said. It took everything for me to hold my laughter in. Rowan wasn’t giving him an inch.

  “Are you ready?” she asked me.

  “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

  Andrew stood, leaving with room with just a glance over his shoulder.

  “That was a bit rude. He was here to see you.” I teased.

  She rolled her eyes. “I don’t care what he does.”

  Rowan turned the screen so we could both see it, closing her eyes as she hit a key.

  “What are you doing?”

  “What does it say?” she asked.

  I leaned over to get a closer look. “It says Mia.”

  She opened her eyes, that grin slowly appearing again. “What do you think?”

  I looked down at our daughter. She gazed up at me with those big blue eyes and I took in her features, nodding as I kissed her forehead softly.

  “I think you look a lot like a Mia.”

  She wriggled in my arms, and Rowan laughed. “Aww, she knows her name.”

  “Mia it is.”

  Rowan pushed the tray table out of the way, moving down the bed towards us. She leaned over to kiss me, and I even got to slip the tongue in for just a few seconds.

  She laughed. “You are naughty, Mr Warner. I think we have a name for our daughter though.”

  “So do I.”

  She waved at the baby. “Hi, Mia.”

  Mia wriggled again. I love my family so much.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  Rowan

  Andrew came to see me in hospital twice. Both times Kyle arrived, and he would sit and glower at my husband while we fussed over our daughter. I don’t know what he really wanted; we weren’t exactly close after everything that had happened.

  Maybe I should have told him to leave, I had told him I didn’t want to see him again, but I my head had been in the clouds since Mia’s birth. I was far more focused on her than anything to do with Andrew.

  Mia blew me away. I felt as if my heart would explode every time I looked at her. What I felt for her was on a par with how I felt about Kyle. My love for them bot
h was overwhelming at times.

  I hated being stuck in hospital. Not being able to go home straight away often left me weepy as I struggled with wanting to be in my own bed with my husband. I knew Kyle was frustrated too.

  They let me go after a few days with no sign of any seizures. I was still on medication, and Kyle would have to keep an eye on me for the next few weeks, just in case it happened again. The thought of that was terrifying.

  Finally, I got home, and I’d never loved it so much. Everything had been prepared ahead of time, but Kyle even had flowers in vases in the living room to welcome me. He was so wonderful, and I felt so loved.

  I settled in on the couch with Mia. She had already started putting on weight and growing, and I couldn’t have been more proud. I was glad that Kyle was taking time off to stay home with us for a while. Since the whole seizure thing, I’d been so nervous about it happening again. I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to Mia.

  “I’m so glad to have you home. I’ve missed you so much,” Kyle said, nuzzling my neck.

  “I missed you too. So funny, seeing as we spent so much time together.”

  “Our bed wasn’t the same without you.” His eyes were so full of love, and I was so happy to be with him again.

  When Mia fell asleep, I laid her gently in the bassinet beside the bed. I wanted her near us, at least to start with. She’d been sleeping in a crib next to me at the hospital, and I’d gotten used to her little snuffling noises and snorts in the night. Feeding her in the night would be easier with this proximity too, although I hoped she slept well between feeds.

  “I need to set the alarm for four hours time,” I said.

  Kyle looked confused. “What for?”

  “To feed Mia again.”

  “Doesn’t she just feed when she’s hungry? What if she’s hungry before the four hours is up?”

  “I just want to get her into a routine.”

  “Does she need it, or do you? Rowan, I’m not going to interfere with what you think is best, because you are her mother and feeding her, but I worry that this is going to put even more pressure on you when you have enough to deal with. You just gave birth, and I know being stuck in hospital, and the seizure, have caused you stress. I’d like to see you relax, at least for the first few weeks, and the pair of you find your way together.”

  He did have a point. He’d thrown chaos into my life, and the world hadn’t ended.

  “Okay.”

  “Right. So if you’re tired, try to get some sleep and we’ll see when Mia wakes up. If it’s too long then we’ll wake her, but I am more concerned right now with you getting enough rest.”

  I was exhausted, and I pulled my nightgown over my head, and slid between the sheets. Kyle stripped off and climbed into bed beside me, holding me in his arms, and kissing me softly.

  “I love you so much, Rowan. You and Mia are the most special, most important people in the world to me. It’s my job to take care of you and make sure you’re both happy. I’m just so glad you’re home with me.”

  I clung tight to him. “I’m glad I’m home too. I just got sick of the hospital. Couldn’t wait to get back to you.”

  He kissed me again. “Let’s get some rest.”

  Safe in his arms, I fell asleep. Through the first night my memories were vague as he was the one who got Mia out of the crib, placing her in my arms to feed her before he changed her nappy and cradled her while I went back to sleep.

  “Daddy’s girl,” I murmured, before falling into a haze of dreams.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  Rowan

  I am such an idiot.

  Here was I, with my beautiful baby and husband who loved me, and I had no idea why I was so miserable.

  Kyle was brilliant. He took such good care of me, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him I struggled to hold Mia in the early days. I was terrified that I’d have another seizure, that something bad would happen to her. It took everything in me to pick her up at times, but thankfully he’d been there to do it for me.

  In the midst of my adjustment to all this new chaos, Andrew kept contacting me. I ignored the emails and texts, not wanting anything to do with him. For whatever reason, I didn’t tell Kyle. He was trying his best to make me happy when the problem wasn’t him, and I didn’t want to cause him any more stress.

  Andrew claimed to miss me, to want my friendship if he couldn’t have anything more. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted less. Kyle was the one I loved, the one I gave my heart and my world to. I would never do anything to hurt him, not on purpose.

  As the weeks passed, our life got back to as normal as it was going to be. We eased back into our sex life, and I could not have asked for a more loving, gentle partner than Kyle. He caressed my new curves, kissed my stomach where Mia had been, and we both enjoyed my newly developed cleavage. Something was still missing, though, not quite right.

  The body image issues I had were different now. I’d grown up insecure about the way I looked; my freckles, and how skinny I was. Now I looked different, and I was terrified that Kyle would decide he didn’t like me anymore. I knew he wouldn’t do that, but it nagged away at me, even as we made love.

  I couldn’t stay like this, so started a routine, taking Mia to the park every day for a walk. I’d feed the ducks, sit in the sunshine, and talk to her. I told her stories of my life, how I met her father, how I loved both him and her so very much.

  After the first week, everything seemed lighter. The fresh air and spending time just relaxing with my baby was helping. She slept better at night for probably the same reason. I felt alive for the first time in what felt like forever.

  At the end of the week, Mia fell asleep early for the first time. I knew she would be awake in the night to feed, but it was nice to just cuddle on the couch with Kyle and forget everything for just a while.

  “You are radiant,” he said, nuzzling my neck. “Something is definitely agreeing with you.”

  I laughed. “I’m just tired all the time, and getting out of the house has helped. Mia is such an amazing baby; it’s nice to enjoy being a mother instead of constantly feeling like I’m behind.”

  “Hey, I like your behind.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  Kyle kissed me gently on the lips. “I know what you mean, and I think you are incredible. You’re a great mother, and a wonderful wife. I know it’s been rough getting used to having a baby in the house, but we’re getting there, Rowan. I’m always here to help if you need it too. Don’t ever feel like you have to do everything yourself.”

  “I know. You’re so good to me. Things have changed so much, but you’re always there when I need you. I’ve just felt like I’ve been in a bit of a fog lately, but I think I’m coming out the other side now.”

  He moved his hand to my chest, fondling my breast and rubbing my nipple as it hardened. “You like that, don’t you?” I asked, laughing.

  “You know I always loved your tits, there’s just a little more to grope now.”

  “What are you going to do if they disappear when I stop breastfeeding?”

  He grinned. “Rowan, I don’t care. You are beautiful, and I want to touch you no matter what. Sometimes the thought of you drives me to distraction at work, and I just want to race home and take you to bed.”

  “Why don’t you?” I whispered.

  “I thought you were trying to establish a routine with Mia during the day.”

  “I wouldn’t object to an interruption from you. You just have to time it right.”

  Kyle laughed. “Tell me when her nap times are then, and I am so there.”

  “Let’s go to bed now, while she’s asleep.”

  “You don’t have to ask me twice.”

  I laughed, getting up to walk to the bedroom. On the coffee table, my phone buzzed with a text.

  “Are you going to check that?” Kyle asked.

  “It’s not as important as going to bed with my husband, whatever it is.”


  He picked up my phone as he walked past. “Are you sure? It could be your mum.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Fine. Whatever. I’ll look at it, just get your butt into that bedroom.”

  He handed me the phone and I went into the messages. I closed my eyes at what I saw, before smiling. “Nothing important, let’s go to bed.”

  “What was it? You looked weirded out.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Rowan,” he said, taking the phone from my hand and looking for himself.

  He just stood there, looking at the screen. All the joy had gone from his face, and I would have given anything to know what he was thinking at that moment.

  “How long?”

  “I’ve been ignoring them, Kyle. I’m not interested in what he has to say.”

  “How long has this been going on?”

  I shook my head. “There’s nothing going on. He’s emailed and texted me to tell me he wants to be friends again. I’ve been ignoring him because I don’t want anything to do with him. I just want to get on with my life.”

  “So why didn’t you tell me?” He looked up at me with eyes so pained it nearly broke my heart.

  “I didn’t want to upset you. I swear I didn’t reply to any of them, Kyle. If you scroll through, you’ll see no replies. You can check my email, too, if you want.”

  “You kept it from me, Rowan. I’m here to protect you, and you’re keeping secrets from me.”

  I shrugged. “I didn’t think it was worth mentioning. He’s not my life anymore. You are.”

  He sat back down on the couch. All enthusiasm for what we had been about to do gone in a single moment.

  “I’ll tell him to leave me alone. You know I’ve already told him I don’t want his friendship.”

  “This text just says he misses you and loves you. Do you know what this looks like right now?”