Dying to Return (The Station #3)

by Trish Marie Dawson

  “Damn it,” I cry.

  “I’m so sorry,” he says, just above a whisper.

  “What? You’re what? Sorry for what exactly? Sorry for hurting me, for hurting others the same way? For being a jerk? What are you sorry for, Ryan, what exactly?”

  He holds his hands up in surrender. “All of it. I’m so sorry for all of it.”

  We stand there, me panting in rage, him cowering against the wall, waiting for the strike of my hand. Instead of attacking him, I collapse on the floor and sob into my knees. This isn’t how seeing Ryan should make me feel. I miss my life. I miss Bree. I miss my Dad. I even miss the way I used to feel about Ryan. That childhood crush feeling that first loves evoke. And there’s nothing I can do about it but move on. I know this, but for a few more moments I want to enjoy the knowledge that the former high school football star is afraid of me. Just for a few more minutes.

  When I finally lift my puffy face, Ryan is sitting across from me, his legs pulled up in front of him, his muscular arms wrapped around his ankles, watching me with a sadness no words can explain. He’s just as broken as I am. And since he’s here, something happened that pushed him over the edge.

  “How’d you get here? I thought you were in jail,” I croak.

  His brows softly crinkle together and he cocks his head to the side, “How’d you…oh, never mind. Um. Guys like me don’t last long in prison.” He sounds like a young boy, not a man in his twenties. It’s strange to look at him – a person the same age as me, but older. Weird.

  I’m not sure what I would have said if he asked questions about how I knew about his life after I took mine. I didn’t want him to know that Mallory was his ex-girlfriend’s volunteer.

  “So you quit because prison was too hard?”

  Gulping, he nods. “Piper, what happened to me there…it was bad, really bad. I understood for the first time the pain and anguish I caused you,” his voice drops even lower, “And others.”

  “Huh. You don’t expect me to feel sorry for you, do you?” I’m being harsh, I know it. And hell if I care.

  “No.” For the first time, I see determination in his eyes. Though he doesn’t move, the gaze he holds with mine makes him feel millimeters away from my face so I back up against the wall. “Don’t you ever feel sorry for me. I don’t deserve it.”

  “You don’t have to worry about that.”

  He blinks. “You know, I’ve thought a million times what I would say to you if I ever actually saw you again. Once I got here, and realized what this place was,” he waves his hand around the small room, “I almost wished you would be here somewhere. So I could say I was sorry. So I could make it up to you, somehow.”

  “Not possible.”

  “I know.”

  We continue to stare at each other a bit longer before I look away this time. I’m still debating what to do to his manhood when I realize my anger has shut me off from his mind. I have free reign to pick through his thoughts until I feel satisfied with the invasion. One minute in and I yank myself out, throwing up concrete walls topped with barbed wire, just like the prison he died in. I never want to go into that mess again. I want to shower, and scrub my body down with bleach.

  “You really are sorry,” I mumble.

  I’m not sure how I feel about me being the last conscious thought Ryan had as the slits in his wrists bled him dry. What was worse are the images of his father and what he did to him since before Ryan was old enough to walk. The abused became the abuser. Still no excuse, but at least now I know why.

  “I am,” he sniffs. “I’ve been trying to fix things since I died. And I’m good here, Piper. Really good. I’ve helped so many people. Men that needed it. Men that thought they had no other option but to hurt people – I got them help. This is where I’m meant to be.”

  “You realize that makes you sound like you’re glorifying your title here? Being a Volunteer isn’t meant to be fun. It’s hard work. It’s penance.”

  “It is. But I’m not a Volunteer anymore.”

  No way. “You’re joking. Please tell me that you’re joking.”

  “I was a Volunteer for a long time. I don’t know…hundreds of cases? I’m an Intake Specialist now.”

  “Holy shit balls.” It’s the only thing that seems appropriate to say.

  “I know. I’m surprised too, with how long it’s been. Since you know…we died.”

  “What do you mean, how long has it been?”

  “You don’t know?” He looks at me curiously.

  “I’ve been gone awhile.” Not that long though. At least, it didn’t seem that long.

  “Well time is different here,” he starts.

  “I know that,” I snap.

  Ryan lowers his legs and pushes up off the floor, leaning against the wall as if he’s preparing to flee from me after he speaks. “It’s been over seventy years since you died, Piper. In planet time. In real time. Our parents are gone, and most of our friends. You didn’t know that?”

  “My…Dad? He’s dead?”

  With a slow nod, he inches closer to the door. Though I feel my chin trembling, my eyes are dry. It’s my heart that’s crying. I think I knew this. Felt that he was gone a long time ago. But to hear the words makes it real.

  “I’m sorry, Piper,” he says to me quietly.

  “Shut up! Stop saying you’re sorry, just…stop!”

  “Okay.”

  “I need to get out of this room,” I jump up and push my way past him, touching my forearm to his on the way through the door. I feel the shock between us, and his cry of surprise, but I ignore it and burst into the hallway where Rush and Nora are waiting. Not bothering to answer either of them, I hurry outside, into the throng of Volunteers, looking for a place to hide. A place to breathe.

  Though it isn’t my Station, I feel the pull toward the water-fall and end up standing before it, with my toes pushing against the base of the rock wall through my flats, and my legs feeling the gentle spray of the water. The entire structure is just over ten feet high and equally as wide. It’s not enormous, but the low wall around it is perfect for sitting. This is where Rush finds me, with one leg pulled into my chest, and one hand swirling the cool water.

  “I had a feeling this is where you would go.”

  He sits down after I don’t answer. I’m not sure what to say.

  “Piper, I can banish him from this place. I can make him leave the Station, and go into his beyond, as if he never chose to be a Volunteer,” Rush says quietly.

  I finally look at him, with his one crystal eye, and my navy one. “You can do that?”

  With a shrug, he dips his hand into the water beside mine. Our fingers touch and the water around them flashes with light. “I can. I’m not sure where he’ll go, but you would never have to see him again.”

  “And you’d do that…send him to his purgatory…for me?”

  “Of course. You know I would.”

  I do. For a long moment I’m quiet. Only the gurgling sound of water and far off conversation from passing Volunteers is all we listen to. Not sure why I do it, I shake my head no. “This is where he is meant to be. You told me once that not everyone ends up at the Station. I don’t know…maybe this is his fate, just as much as it is mine.”

  Rush stares hard into my eyes. “I don’t want him here. I don’t want someone who hurt you anywhere near you.” The sinister tone of his voice isn’t meant for me, but still I flinch.

  “But this isn’t my Station. After I leave here, I don’t have to come back. Ever.”

  He leans away from me, considering my words carefully. “You’d be happy with that. Leaving him here to his own life, in parallel with yours?”

  “I don’t know, Rush. I’m not forgiving him. Not yet. But I saw inside him. I understand things differently now.”

  “There is no excuse for what he did to you.”

  “I know.” I place my hand on his leg, more so to comfort myself than him. “I know that. And he does too, believe me.”


  Rush looks away at the crowd of people and finds something in the distance to focus on blankly. “I want to hurt him. I have never felt such anger…such hatred for another being in all of my life. I wish nothing but harm to the man.”

  I surprise him by laughing. “If you want me to chastise you for that, it won’t happen. I’m not even going to admit what I considered doing to him.”

  “If your thoughts included removing certain body parts, I believe our sentiments were the same,” he says with a quirky grin.

  “You know me too well,” I smile.

  “Yes.”

  That one little word hangs in the air by a thin thread, swaying between us like a dangling spider looking for something worth attaching to. Our gaze is broken by Sophia and Stuart, who sneak up on us all Cloak and Dagger-style.

  “Hello,” Stuart says with a timid smile. He’s been told what happened with Ryan. Though no one understands our history just yet, they know it’s not a happy one.

  “Hi,” I answer.

  “Nora sent us to ask you something,” Sophia says. She twists her small hands in front of her nervously. I know what she wants to ask before the words come out, and so does Rush.

  “No need to worry, we will be leaving soon.” Rush smiles coolly at them.

  “It’s been…interesting,” Stuart says, holding his hand out to me. It’s the first attempt to touch either of us, and it’s out of interest. He’s aware of what Rush’s energy does, but he knows I’m different. When our hands meet, a slow pulse travels from me, into him. It’s not painful, just enough to be felt, really.

  “Nice to meet you both,” I nod.

  They say their goodbyes, bowing their heads in respect at Rush, before disappearing into the crowd. Two young girls, perhaps around fifteen, eye us curiously as they take a seat on the far end of the brick wall. They remind me of my times spent at the fountain with Kerry-Anne and Mallory. I miss my friends.

  “Rush? Take me home.”

  CHAPTER 12

  Redemption is a funny thing. The whole point behind the Station is that those of us who choose to stay are reborn in a way; offered the chance to atone for our mistakes and save others from their own horrible choices. Redemption. The word silently rolls around on my tongue like a sour candy, the bitter outside melting away to a sweet center. And I desperately want to spit it out.

  Ryan Burke stands in the hallway talking to Nora while Rush hovers at my side, waiting for my permission to strangle the man again. I won’t give it. Instead, I concentrate on the scent of citrus in the air mixing with the clean odor of the Station. Rush and his people created this place for Niles and Mallory, Kerry-Anne and Sloan, and yes, Ryan Burke and myself. Who am I to decide which of us is worthy of redemption, and who is not?

  In his faded prison pants and white shirt, Ryan’s surfer-like blonde hair and blue eyes give him an all-over softened look. It’s not the look of a monster, of evil. It’s not the look of an abuser. I see in him what he could have been had his life taken a series of different turns before we met. He could have been an artist, a doctor, a famous football player. He might have gotten married to a sweet girl and raised children with her. Ryan used to put his pants on one leg at a time, just like I did. He brushed his teeth, picked the seeds out of his lemonade, and laughed at funny movies. Had Ryan made different choices when he was younger, his path could have taken him to that wife and family, or the dream job of a national football player. Instead, he hurt others like he had been hurt and ended up in prison, hanging from a rope, the blood drained out of his body from the slashes in his wrists. Alone. Desperate for the pain to go away. And now he’s here at his own Station, atoning as best as he can. Trying to keep others from making the same decisions he did. Though I hate it, I guess in an ironic way, Ryan is the poster child for redemption.

  “I have something to say to you.” I speak softly. Knowing if I don’t do it now, I won’t ever get another chance. Ryan stops talking to Nora and both turn to face me. Rush’s fingers find mine and I squeeze them, letting him know I’m okay. Letting him know I’m in control. I got this.

  Ryan swallows loudly again and straightens his arms at his side. He’s preparing himself for whatever verbal onslaught I have, or a physical one. And I know he’ll take whatever I give him without objection. One tear escapes and trails down my cheek, and when I smile, his mouth drops open in surprise.

  “Ryan, I have to let the pain go. I think…I have to forgive you.”

  ***

  The departure room is the same room we arrived in, except this time Kristie is not sitting behind the desk. She’s found something else to do to avoid having to speak with us again. I’d laugh at her fear if it was only directed at Rush, but it’s mainly me she’s not comfortable with. The others know I’m in-between human and something else. It’s disturbing and confusing for them to accept me. I just hope my friends feel differently.

  The shock of stating my forgiveness to Ryan is still fresh, sort of like the pain from a scraped knee just before the scab forms. I feel raw and exposed. But free.

  “Piper, are you truly alright?” Rush asks, taking my hands in his for our next journey together.

  “I am,” I nod.

  I’ve kept him out of my mind. It’s a disaster up there, with my thoughts and hopes and worries scattered around like the messy bedroom of a thirteen year old. In a way, I’m embarrassed for him to know how truly chaotic my mind is. So for now, I’ll leave the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign up.

  Rush smiles warmly and brushes my cheek with his thumb as we step toward each other. It’s still hard to look up at him and see two different eye colors but the anger is gone now. Hopefully one day I can look back and laugh about it.

  “Ready?” he asks, holding my hands tight.

  “Yes, so ready.”

  One of the walls opens behind us and the familiar pull of the bridge beckons us inside. The air has turned into a furious tornado, with us standing in the eye of the wind storm. Rush’s hands slide up to my wrists, and I do the same to his, fixing myself to him securely. The light in the room is gone, consumed by the darkening tunnel and snaps of electrical currents that bolt around the entrance. No one in their right state of mind would move toward such a sight, but I want to run into it with a smile. I’m going home.

  ***

  When the sensation of exploding fades and I feel the floor beneath my feet again, I’m aware Rush and I are still linked together by touch but I refuse to open my eyes. What if I now have his nose or right thumb?

  Sensing my anxiety, he squeezes my wrists gently and says, “Open on three?”

  “Okay.”

  “Three, two, one…”

  I blink in the light of the room and know we are alone. With my lashes still fluttering against my cheek, I can’t look at Rush right away. The tangy fragrance of grapefruit hits me. We made it. I’m back.

  “Are you going to let me see?” Rush asks, waiting for me to look up.

  “Not if it’s bad,” I joke. Sort of.

  I let go of him with one hand and touch my face. It feels right, and my body from the chest down looks as it should. Rush laughs and lowers a hand, interlocking his fingers with mine. It’s an intimate gesture that he keeps repeating and I don’t know how to ask him to stop, or if I should, for that matter.

  “You look just fine from here,” he says.

  Slowly I allow my eyes to crawl up his body, taking in the length of his legs and trim waist, trying not to blush as my eyes rove over his abs and chest. I linger on a rapidly pulsating area of his neck just above the collar of his shirt before following the line of his jaw to his square chin, then his mouth and nose. We blink at each other, both of us breaking out into chuckles at the same time. Nothing changed. Rush sports the same crystal blue eye on one side, and my deep-sea blue on the other.

  “Well, I guess it’s good nothing else changed. I can live with this if I have to,” I say.

  “Indeed. It would be hard to explain a pair of breasts or long blonde hair
to my parents.”

  We’re still laughing when the door opens and Niles steps in. The clipboard tucked under his left arm falls to the ground with a loud clatter as we rush toward each other, arms open for an embrace.

  “Piper, dear! You’ve finally returned!”

  “I’m so glad to be home,” I murmur, “I missed you.”

  Behind me the electricity from Rush pulses and I know my words hurt him. Releasing Niles, I turn to Rush and smile.

  “We have so much to tell you about!” I gush.

  “Andurush,” Niles nods curtly at the taller man still standing alone in the center of the room. “I trust Piper kept you on your toes.”

  “That she did.”

  “And has she completed the task you needed her for?” There is a cold edge in his voice as he looks between me and Rush.

  “Yes, I mean…I learned a lot. More than I imagined.” I hope my answer is enough to ease the anxiety between them.

  “I see you’ve changed, no more bare-feet,” he laughs. “And now…are you back to stay?” Niles asks nervously. He’s too polite to mention the difference in my eye color.

  Before I can answer, Rush steps forward and places a hand on my shoulder. Though he smiles at Niles, it’s not earnest. I know how beautiful his smile can be. This is an ugly one. “For now.”

  What does that mean? My veil is down. This isn’t a conversation to have in front of others.

  It means as I said, you’re back…for now.

  But…

  “Well, that’s good then. The others will be overjoyed to know you’re here. I know a certain boy who has been going mad with worry.” Niles winks at me, ignoring the hard set of Rush’s face.

  “How is everyone? How are you?” I ask.

  Niles has ushered us out of the departure room and into the hall. I smell grapefruit everywhere and it tickles at a place deep inside my stomach. When my mouth waters, I can actually taste the fruit.