No Filter (No Shame Series Book 1)

by Nora Phoenix

  O’Connor’s eyes narrowed as he undoubtedly guessed what Noah was hinting at. Enough with the fun. Josh was truly exhausted, so Noah knew when to quit.

  “It’s gonna be a while, so you may want to consider not waiting up,” Noah said softly, his voice serious and warm now.

  Josh sighed. “I’m too afraid I’ll have a nightmare again.”

  The solution was easy. “Ask Indy.”

  Silence.

  “Josh?”

  “Ask Indy to sleep with me?”

  “Yes, with the emphasis on sleep. It’ll be good for both of you. I gotta go.”

  He switched off his phone, put it back in his pocket. Two orderlies came with a fresh bed and Noah gestured. “Your ride, man.”

  O’Connor stared at him, his jaw clenched.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, did you want to talk to my boyfriend, too?”

  “You’re a sick bastard, Flint.” With effort, O’Connor raised his broad frame from the chair and made his way to the bed, lowering himself with care. He started opening the buttons of his uniform, but Noah swatted his hands away.

  “All part of the service here,” he said. He carefully removed O’Connor’s uniform jacket, revealing his massive torso and back, covered in dozens of small wounds.

  Noah whistled. “That does not look pretty, my man.” He gently and swiftly probed the wounds. “They’re all superficial, though. Looks like you may only need a few stitches, but they’ll all need to be cleaned out. You got lots of dirt in there, and we don’t want these to get infected.”

  “Send the intern,” O’Connor said between clenched teeth. “Hell, let a nurse do it. Don’t waste your time on me and go home.”

  Noah grabbed a few suture kits and a handful of irrigation kits and pulled up a stool, lowered himself carefully. Damn, his leg hurt. “That arrogant little shit is not going anywhere near you. Lay back, we’re gonna be here a while.”

  He ripped open the first suture kit, spread out the contents while O’Connor leaned back against the bed. “So tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how hot do you think my boyfriend is?”

  Indy had barely fallen asleep when he woke up again from Josh's phone ringing in the room next door. Sexy and I know it’drifted through the walls, the ringtone for Noah calling. Indy checked the clock. 12:32 AM. Poor Josh, having to wait for Noah to come off shift to get some sleep. And poor Noah as well, because Indy guessed he was calling to say he was going to be late. Again. Working in an ER sucked. Hard to go home when you were still treating patients.

  He closed his eyes again, ready to go back to sleep, when Josh knocked softly on his door.

  “Indy, you awake?”

  “Yeah, come in,” he said. He turned on his bedside lamp and shifted to his side to face Josh. Indy was still using Josh’s shirt to sleep in, even though he had his own clothes. He loved the soft cotton and the fact that it still smelled like Josh and Noah. Somehow, both their smells were on there, and he felt close to them wearing it.

  Josh stepped in, wearing nothing but a pair of his standard-issue tight black boxer shorts that perfectly outlined his cock.

  “What’s up? Everything okay with Noah?” Indy asked.

  “He’s working late.” Josh sat down on the bed, apparently not realizing or caring how the thin material stretched tight across his shaft. Indy blinked. Josh was hard. As in raging erection hard. What the hell? “Connor came in as a patient.”

  Josh was using the cop’s first name. Interesting. “Is he okay?”

  “Noah didn’t say, merely asked me if I wanted to come in to hold his hand. Fucking asshole.”

  Indy suppressed a smile. “I’m sure he wouldn’t have been joking if Connor had been badly hurt.”

  “That’s what I figured.” Josh sighed, rubbing his cock absentmindedly, sending a jolt through Indy’s system.

  “So, what I can do for you?” he asked, his voice slightly raspy.

  Josh sighed again, then fixed his bright blue eyes on Indy. “It’s okay if you say no, but I’d really, really love for you to fuck me.”

  Indy stilled, swallowed thickly. Holy fuck. Josh had offered before, but Indy had interpreted that as a polite offer to make him feel better. Fuck, Josh had made it right after Indy had confessed his dick was too small. Indy had figured it was a heat of the moment thing, not a genuine offer. Could he accept this? Did he want to?

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked.

  “Are you?”

  All of Josh's usual shyness seemed gone as he stretched himself on the bed next to Indy, his mouth maybe an inch away. Indy shivered.

  “Tell me, Indy,” Josh whispered, his voice low and seductive, “Do you want me?” He traced the outline of Indy’s lips with his tongue, his breath hot and sexual on Indy’s mouth. “Don’t you wanna know how your cock would feel inside another man’s ass? I would feel so good for both of us, I promise.”

  He kissed him, the softest of kisses, all wet and warm. Liquid heat swirled in Indy’s belly.

  “I dunno,” Indy stammered, licking his lips instinctively when Josh broke off the kiss. His eyes fell on Josh's mouth, that soft, sweet mouth that could make him melt with a single kiss. “What about Noah?”

  “Fuck Noah.”

  “Well, yeah, you did,” Indy whispered. “I watched, remember?”

  “Oh, I remember very well. Fucking him was such a rush, especially with you watching. But I’ve decided I like bottoming way better than topping, especially with Noah.” Josh's eyes lost focus, went all dreamy. “There’s this deep satisfaction in taking whatever he gives me, in giving him such pleasure by letting him use me. Fuck, there’s probably something seriously wrong with me, but the harder he fucks me, the more control he loses, the better it feels for me. When he orders me, bosses me around, and makes me do what he says, damn, it fulfills me somewhere deep inside.”

  Indy’s eyes went wide. Josh's innate desire to pleasure others. Him coming when Noah ordered him to. The fulfillment he got from being told what to do. It all made perfect sense. “You’re a sub,” he blurted out.

  “I’m a what?”

  Indy bit his lip. Are you out of your fucking mind? The guy clearly has a sexual trauma, aside from his PTSD. Who are you to fuck him up even further, complicate things? Fuck, for all you know, Josh will take serious offense at the mere mention.

  “Indy, you have to tell me. I promise I won’t get mad at you,” Josh said, probably guessing from Indy’s face why he was hesitating.

  “Look,” Indy said, his voice tight, “I’m no expert in this, okay? But it sounds to me like you get off on submitting to someone else, on following orders from a dominant partner in bed. It’s a Dom/sub thing.”

  Josh's eyes narrowed. “You’re talking bondage, like being gagged, whipped, and forced to kiss someone else’s boots, and drink their piss and weird shit like that?”

  “It could be, but only if you’re into that. It may be that you’re simply submissive in bed, without wanting more than a dominant partner. Or you could explore this more, discover you really crave more domination, or more pain. At the core, it’s a relationship based on trust, where the Dom is focused on bringing his sub pleasure, both sexually and mentally. Usually, there’s some level of pain involved, but it doesn’t have to be extreme. I dunno, spanking, mild whipping, tying someone up, things like that. And the kinky stuff, the gross shit, well, that’s only for subs who are into that.”

  “How the fuck do you know all this? I mean, no offense, but you don’t seem like the type to enjoy that.”

  Indy had expected the question, just like he had expected the familiar pain of thinking about Duncan. Why had Duncan chosen him? He could’ve had anyone, really, so why didn’t he merely choose Indy to fuck, but to keep as well? It would have been so different if he’d simply fucked him and discarded him. It still would’ve fucking hurt, but he wouldn’t have been betrayed, forced to do what he did, and be on the run for the rest of his life.

  He startled when Josh put a s
oft hand on his cheek. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to dredge up bad memories. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.”

  Indy kissed Josh's hand. “You’re right, I’m not a sub. Very much not, even though I’m a natural bottom. I’ve seen guys who get off on inflicting pain for the sake of it, but that’s not what I’m talking about.”

  Indy swallowed as fresh anger rolled through him. After all he’d done for Duncan, he’d still handed him to that sadistic son of a bitch. Fuck, the pain had been so horrific he’d hardly been able to breathe. He shook his head, tried to focus on something else. Josh's blue eyes filled with compassion, and Indy held on to his hand as a lifeline.

  “I had a friend, TJ, who was in a Dom/sub relationship with his boyfriend. He asked me to watch him and his boyfriend once, because they both got a kick out of that. Jack, his boyfriend, he didn’t just bring pain, he brought pleasure with it. And TJ clearly loved being told what to do, being completely submissive. Man, Jack fucked the living daylights out of him after spanking him and ordering him to do all kinds of stuff, and TJ loved every second of it. That’s how I knew that first of all, I wasn’t made to be a sub, because I could never fully surrender to someone else, and secondly, that bringing only pain has nothing to do with being a Dom, but only with being a major asshole.”

  Josh's face was serious, but he didn’t look offended at all. Indy breathed a sigh of relief. “So being a natural bottom is not the same as being submissive?” Josh asked.

  Indy grimaced. How had he ended up in the role of expert here? “No. I know I’m a bottom primarily, but I’m not submissive. My fight reflex is way too strong for that, and my big mouth isn’t capable of saying only ‘yes, master’ and shit like that. But like I said, you can be submissive without being any more extreme than having a dominant partner. It’s a whole subculture, a lifestyle, but that’s only for those who need that, or crave it.”

  “Again, you don’t need to answer, but if your experiences with sex haven’t been all that good, as you said, and you’ve never topped, how do you know you’re a bottom?” Josh asked.

  “Because I do love cock in my ass, and the idea of topping scares the fuck out of me. I don’t think I’m built for it physically, but I’m also not wired for it psychologically. When I think about Noah…”

  He stopped. Fuck, it was completely inappropriate to talk about Noah with Josh. He was Josh's boyfriend, for fuck’s sake, regardless of what they called their relationship themselves.

  Josh smiled. “Continue,” he said. “I’d love to compare notes on Noah. I promise I won’t be offended or mad, Indy.”

  Indy bit his lip. Before he shared anything more, he needed to ask the question that had been hounding him. “Why aren’t you two together-together?”

  Josh let out a shaky breath. “You don’t pull your punches, huh?” He rolled on his back, folded his hands behind his head.

  “It’s okay if you don’t wanna talk about it,” Indy said softly. He rolled on his back, too, wanting to give Josh space if that was what he needed.

  “I’ve loved Noah since the day I met him, when he stood up for me in that fight. He was everything I wasn’t: strong, courageous, never giving a fuck about what everyone else thought. I looked up to him, couldn’t believe he wanted to be my friend. Then his mom got sick and she died. It all went so fast, and something broke in Noah. Him and his dad, they never got along, and with his mom gone, Noah lost his compass for a while.”

  Josh stayed silent for a spell. Indy turned his head. “You okay?”

  Josh jolted, as if shaken from deep thoughts. “Noah told you about our first time, right?”

  “With him in the hospital, yeah. And the first time you guys fucked as well.”

  Josh turned his head as well, so their faces were a breath apart. A delicious blush stained his cheeks. “That wasn’t our first time,” Josh whispered.

  14

  Cleaning out O’Connor’s wounds took forever. Noah could have easily asked Winans to help. Hell, even a nurse could have assisted, but he didn’t want that. He needed to get a sense of the kind of man the cop was. O’Connor hadn’t said much, merely ground his teeth as Noah cleaned out some deeper wounds on his back and stitched up two bigger ones. He’d been right, it looked like he’d been hit by shards of concrete, sent flying by bullets.

  “Okay, time to flip and do the other side. Way less damage on your front, so we’re getting there,” Noah announced, stretching his arms above his head. 2 A.M. Sweet heavens, he’d been at this for an hour and a half.

  O’Connor pushed himself up on his arms, but sagged down again with a muffled curse.

  Noah took pity on the guy, knowing he’d been through a lot. “Come on, big guy, I’ll help.” He raised O’Connor up with ease and carefully turned him face upward.

  “Painkillers working?”

  “Yeah. Can’t feel a damn thing. Just dead tired.”

  “Feel free to doze off. I’ll need another thirty, forty-five minutes tops.”

  “Nah, thanks, I’d rather watch you,” O’Connor said.

  Noah raised his eyebrows. “Really? You’re hitting on me now?”

  “Fuck off,” O’Connor said, but there wasn’t much force behind it. He closed his eyes for a second, then seemed to resign himself to something. “He’s a ten.”

  “You’re ready to talk about this now?” Noah asked, amusement lacing his voice.

  “Just making conversation. We have another half hour to kill, after all.”

  “And you figured that pissing off the guy who’s treating you was the smartest way to go.”

  “It wouldn’t be, if you were actually pissed off, but you’re not. You seem to find it all strangely amusing, and that makes me wonder why.”

  Noah smiled. How long would it take the guy to figure it out? “He is a 10, isn’t he?” he mused. “That lean, tight body, those bedroom eyes, that soft, kissable mouth…He’s got that whole innocent boy look that shoots straight to your balls, doesn’t he?”

  O’Connor clenched his teeth. “What do you want from me?”

  Noah’s hands stilled and he met the guy’s eyes straight on. “Honesty. Complete, brutal honesty. And believe me, I’ll know when you’re lying.”

  O’Connor didn’t blink. “I can see why they call you The General,” he said. “You do take after your old man.”

  Noah put his instruments down. He had to be careful now. “That is not a button you want to push, O’Connor, trust me.”

  The cop did blink now. “Sorry, that was below the belt.”

  Noah took a deep breath and got back to stitching up a nasty gash near the guy’s collarbone. “Apology accepted.”

  “What do you want me to say?” O’Connor asked, a trace of embarrassment in his voice. “Yes, I like your boyfriend, okay? Yes, he is cute. I didn’t know he was involved, didn’t even know for certain he was gay.”

  Noah snorted. “Dude, if you can’t tell Josh is gay, your gaydar is worse than his.”

  “In my defense, he’d been making out with Indy. Granted, not initiated by him, but he sure as hell wasn’t objecting.”

  And of course, Connor thought Indy was a woman. That would make things confusing. “True, but you could’ve simply asked him.”

  “I’m not out.”

  The confession was quiet, but honest, and Noah’s hands stilled again. What reason could O’Connor have to keep his sexuality a secret? Sure, being a gay cop wasn’t easy, but in this day and age he wouldn’t be the only one. Plus, he wasn’t the bottom type, like Josh—no offense, lover, he apologized in his mind. O’Connor was built like a fucking truck and possessed enough testosterone to make people back the fuck off for harassing him, so what was the deal? Did it have to do with him being a Marine? They weren’t known for being the most rainbow-friendly, that was for certain.

  “Not out at work, or not out at all?”

  He felt bad for asking, because clearly the guy assumed Noah was gay as well and took him into confidence for
that reason. He froze. He was gay. I am gay. Shit, that label really took some getting used to.

  “Not out at all. I enlisted before I had accepted it myself, and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna come out while serving. Then I became a cop, and I never quite got there.”

  Noah avoided eye contact now, wanting the other guy to feel safe enough to share. Meanwhile, his hands continued irrigating the wounds, putting bandages on where necessary.

  “And your family?”

  Connor tensed under his hands. “I broke with my family when I became a cop. They’re not big on law enforcement.”

  “That sucks,” he said.

  “Now that I’ve apologized for encroaching on your territory, can we stop embarrassing me and drop this topic?”

  Hell, now he’d actually started to like the guy. What was the world coming to?

  “You’re not. Encroaching on my territory, that is. Look, I’m not gonna explain it all, because that’s between you and Josh, but Josh and me, we’re not what you think. If you really like him, talk to him. He’s worth coming out of the closet for.”

  “What do you mean?” Indy asked Josh.

  Josh kept his eyes down. “We had sex before, but Noah doesn’t remember…”

  Indy frowned. “How the fuck can he forget something like that?”

  “Because we were both drunk, but he apparently a little more than me. It was after his mom had died. God, Noah was lost in those months. He kept drinking himself into a stupor, and most of the time I stayed sober to take care of him, made sure he made it home safe. But it was my birthday, and we’d gone out to celebrate, so I’d been drinking, too. We made it back to his house, and…”

  Josh sighed. “Noah gets horny when he drinks. Like really horny. It’s one of the reasons he doesn’t drink anymore. Well, that, and he was turning into an alcoholic. So we get back to his house, where his dad refused to put the AC on, even though it was ninety degrees out. Noah’s room was in the basement, but still a fucking furnace. We strip to our boxers because of the heat, and then he asks me about this hookup I’d had. I’d gone to a gay bar, met this older guy, and let him fuck me. It was nice, you know. Wanted to get that whole virginity thing over with. I tell Noah I discovered I love sucking cock, and he’s horny as all get-out, so he drags his underwear down and tells me I could suck him.”