No Filter (No Shame Series Book 1)

by Nora Phoenix

  Indy couldn’t help it. He grinned. “That sounds like him.”

  Josh smiled, a flash of relief on his face. “He was fucking gorgeous and of course, I’d been lusting after him for years by then. So after some obligatory protest on my part I suck him off. He comes like a fucking volcano, and damn, my cock is aching and leaking. And he’s sweet and clingy and desperate to be held, you know, as he was in those months. So we cuddle, and he gets all hard again, and of course I’m still sporting a boner… He gets all bossy Noah, tells me he wants to fuck me. I refuse at first, but he simply tells me to stop pretending I don’t want it. Sends me to the bathroom for Vaseline, orders me to lube up… How could I say no when he didn’t ask, but commanded me? He was irresistible.”

  Josh's eyes glazed over, and Indy smiled. “I rode him until we both came so fucking hard. After that, he fell asleep instantly. I cleaned him up, tucked him in.”

  Indy rolled on his stomach, stared at Josh with big eyes. “Noah doesn’t remember any of this?”

  Josh dragged his knuckles over his chin with a raspy sound. “No. I was afraid to tell him. At first, because I thought he’d feel ashamed or disgusted. Then I’d kept it silent so long, I was scared he’d get mad at me for not saying anything.”

  “Josh, you have to tell him. He needs to know.” Indy couldn’t believe Josh had kept a secret that big from Noah, especially when they were supposed to share everything with each other. It was what their whole relationship was built on, the very foundation. How could Josh have kept that from him?

  Josh's eyes clouded over. “I know.” He sighed deeply. “I’m afraid of how he’ll react.”

  Noah wasn’t going to be pissed about having drunk sex with Josh, that much seemed obvious to Indy. But the fact that Josh had never told him, had led him to believe that time in the hospital had been their first time, holy crap. That was a biggie, and he didn’t see how Noah would let that one go.

  “But that’s not why the two of you aren’t together,” he gently steered the conversation back to his question.

  “No, it’s not. What Noah and I have, it may work for us right now, but it’s not healthy or viable in the long term. The official term would be codependent. I’m dependent on Noah to take care of me financially and keep the nightmares at bay, and he depends on me for sex and release to keep his pain at a tolerable level and deal with his anger issues.”

  Indy frowned. Anger issues? What was Josh talking about? Noah had mentioned it before, too. A cripple with anger issues, he’d called himself. Indy had never seen the man angry, not beyond normal irritation. “But surely that’s all based on the deep love you have for each other.”

  “Love, yes. But friendship-love, not a romantic love. Fuck, I wasn’t even sure Noah was into guys until we met you. At the risk of sounding too touchy-feely, the fact that we’re best friends with benefits doesn’t mean we’re meant to be together as a couple.”

  Josh rolled on his side again, scooted close to Indy and put his hand on Indy’s hip. “I know it’s hard to understand, but trust me when I say that Noah and I aren’t good together. He will always keep seeing me as damaged, someone whose pain he needs to take away.”

  A deep hurt flashed over Josh's face, so painful to watch that Indy’s breath stopped for a second. He took Josh's hand, not able to find words to express his compassion.

  “I can’t talk about it too much, because I’m not ready yet, but something happened to me, something bad, and Noah can’t stand to see me hurt.”

  “And if he could stop seeing you that way, would that change things?” Indy wanted to know.

  Josh's answer was fast and resolute. “No. Because I’d still see him as the guy who saved me. I love him, Indy, but not like that. I could have, if things had been different, if he and I weren’t so fucking damaged, maybe. Listen, letting Noah fuck me, it’s not a hardship for me. I’m gay, I’m a bottom, he’s my best friend, and he makes me feel good. But there are times when he’s in so much pain or so angry, that it’s not fucking anymore. It’s a release for him that’s much deeper than a mere orgasm or a fuck. I love Noah, but there’s still so much anger in him, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. He releases it on me, and I can take it, crave it even, because for some sick reason I love rough sex. I shouldn’t, not after what happened to me, but I do.” The insecurity was clearly audible in Josh's voice.

  “I’m the last person to judge, Josh, trust me,” Indy said. “It’s not what you get off on that makes you a sick person. It’s what you do with it, how you act on it. It’s the choices you make. Consensual sex between you and Noah, even if it gets rough, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

  Josh brought his mouth closer and kissed him, a gentle and warm kiss. “You are so sweet, Indy, you truly are. You’re perfect for Noah, you know that?”

  Indy blushed fiercely. “I don’t know about that,” he stammered.

  “What are you afraid of?”

  Fuck, where to start? “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to bottom again, let alone have the kind of rough sex Noah apparently wants.”

  Josh shook his head. “He doesn’t want that. He needs it right now, because he hasn’t learned to deal with his anger in an appropriate way. As long as he has me, he doesn’t have to, but with you he can’t. That’s a good thing, as it will force him to start processing his emotions in a more healthy way.”

  It made sense, what Josh said, but would it be that easy? What if Noah couldn’t learn? What if he forgot, if only for a second, it was Indy and not Josh, what would happen then? Indy could not, would not endure sex like that. He’d fight Noah off, hurt him even.

  “Indy, a simple ‘no’ is enough. No matter how angry Noah is, he would never, ever hurt you.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because even when he’s half out of his mind with pain, he still makes sure I come first. He may fuck me as hard as he can, but he will not allow himself to come before me. That’s how tight his control is. If I said no, he’d pull out in a second.”

  Hadn’t Noah said something similar, weeks ago when they’d talked about sex for the first time? He’d stated the exact same thing, that even if they ended up in bed together, he’d stop as soon as Indy said the word.

  But the rough sex, that wasn’t the real issue, now was it? Nope, his biggest fear was something else entirely. Despite Josh's analysis of Noah being fucked up as well, Indy was certain whatever issues Noah had paled in comparison to his own. If Noah ever found out what Indy had done, he’d stop wanting him. Stop loving him. Anyone would.

  It wasn’t just where he was from, who his parents were, or what Duncan had done to him. It was what he himself had done. He’d stayed with him for over four years, had never so much as protested against anything Duncan had inflicted on others. He’d stood by, watched, silently. He’d known who Duncan was, the horrible acts he’d committed, and he’d never breathed a word to anyone.

  And worse, the first two years especially, when the sex still had been somewhat decent, he’d reacted. He’d been hard, had come, had enjoyed some of it. Duncan had fucked him—and he had liked it. Or at least, his body had. How the fuck could he explain that to anyone? How could anyone forgive him for that? How could he forgive himself?

  “What happened to you, Indy? Do you want to tell me? I won’t tell Noah if you don’t want me to.”

  Could he tell Josh? Trust him with this horrible, horrible secret that was eating him from the inside out, like the acid had eaten the flesh on his back? Josh knew about trauma, knew about making choices that others would deem sick and twisted. And he could be a test case, to see how he would react before Indy told Noah. If Josh could accept him with his past, maybe, just maybe Noah could, too?

  Indy didn’t think anymore, he put his arms around Josh, sought the comfort he needed to tell his story. God, where did he start?

  “My real name is Stephan Moreau, and I grew up in South Boston. My mom got pregnant with me by accident, and she doesn’t know who my
dad is. Most likely he’s one of the men she fucked for money. She wasn’t an all-out prostitute, I guess, more of an occasional one when money was tight. When she couldn’t find enough odd jobs, she started dealing drugs for the Fitzpatricks, one of the most notorious crime families in Boston. She was good, because she looked young, innocent. I look like her. Her contact was Duncan Fitzpatrick, the heir apparent to the empire. He’s…”

  Indy’s voice broke. He couldn’t do this. How the fuck could he ever find words for what had happened, for what he’d done? If you tell Josh, he’ll never look at you the same. He’ll never hold you again, and he definitely won’t want to have sex with you anymore.

  But what was the alternative? Never telling anyone? Never trusting anyone, not ever again? That wasn’t living. It was surviving.

  No, he wanted to live. He wanted to trust, to connect, to love. He clenched his fists, forced air into his lungs.

  Josh kissed his head. “Take your time, Indy. I’m here.”

  “Duncan is seven years older than me, but he started working for his uncle, the Fitzpatricks’ boss, when he was a teen. By the time he was nineteen, he ran the Fitzpatricks’ drug operations. He knew me, had seen me a few times when he’d met with my mom. Everyone knew who he was. He was handsome, you know, a charmer. Black hair, bright blue eyes, a sexy smile. When he smiled at me, I felt it in my stomach. Then my mom fucked up. She’d just gotten a shipment to sell, fifty thousand worth of coke. She had a customer at home, forgot to hide the drugs. He knocked her out cold, took everything she had. She owed Duncan fifty grand, and he’s not a man you wanna owe that much money to. Duncan came to collect, and she made a deal with him.”

  He swallowed, hid his face against Josh's shoulder. “Me, in exchange for the money. I had no choice. He threatened to kill her if I didn’t cooperate. For four years he had me. Four years of a hell that was gradually getting worse. He started using, became unpredictable, more and more violent. I wasn’t innocent before him, had given a few guys blow jobs for money. I know I was way too young, but it was the only life I knew. But Duncan robbed me of every shred of innocence. He used me, and then he threw me away.”

  15

  When he was done, Indy stayed where he was, his face hidden against Josh's shoulder. What would Josh think of him now that he knew? His heart was racing, his hands clammy, and his stomach was revolting viciously. But Josh lifted his chin with a gentle move, made him slide backward slightly so they could see each other.

  Josh's eyes were filled with tears.

  Tears of pain, compassion, not disgust.

  “My God, Indy…” Josh raised his hand, brushed Indy’s cheek. “Honey, were you scared of how I would look at you?”

  Indy nodded, his throat too constricted to speak.

  “Indy, you were a child. You did not choose this; this happened to you. Whatever you did in those years with that monster, you did it to survive. Whatever you felt, even if you had feelings for him, defended him, it’s okay. You were a child, an innocent victim. You survived this, and I would never judge you for that.”

  Something broke free in Indy’s heart, something that had been bound and imprisoned for a long time.

  “I feel so guilty for how I felt, how I responded, even when we had sex.”

  He forced the words out, knowing that he’d never find the courage to say them again if he kept silent now. “It wasn’t always bad, you know. He could be loving and gentle, if he wanted to, and sometimes when he took the time to make it good I liked it. I liked him fucking me. That’s sick, right?”

  “Look,” Josh started, then stopped. “Can I touch you?” he asked.

  Indy nodded.

  “Everywhere?”

  Indy hummed his consent.

  “Can I take your clothes off?”

  More nodding.

  Josh pushed Indy aside with a gentle shove and sat up. Seconds later, Indy’s boxers and shirt had disappeared, and then Josh whipped off his own underwear.

  “Better. Come here,” Josh said and pulled Indy completely on top of him, their bare cocks brushing up against each other. “Our bodies react to stimuli, even if we don’t want to.”

  Josh worked his hand between their bodies, gripped Indy’s cock which had become hard from the naked friction with Josh. “You love Noah, but you respond to me as well. That’s because we’re both gay, and we’re naked, and we’re talking about sex. Even bad sex, illegal sex, horrible sex, is still sex—and that means that we may react physically, even if we don’t want to.”

  Indy understood. Josh was saying that however his body had reacted to Duncan, it was okay. He shouldn’t judge himself for the physical reaction.

  “Did you…react?” He kept the question vague, didn’t want to push too hard.

  Josh met his careful gaze, his blue eyes full of pain. “I was hard as a rock until they literally tore my insides to shreds.”

  Josh understood. He truly, deeply understood. It was like the sun had reached a part of Indy’s soul that had been dark and shaded for so long. Josh had given him something precious with this trust, this vulnerable admission. Indy felt lighter and warmer than he had in ages. Free. Like heavy shackles had been taken off of him.

  “I want to fuck you,” he whispered. “If you’ll let me.”

  “Fuck, yes. Please.” Josh's answer was swift and emotional. “But Indy, and I will only ask this once, are you sure you want to do this? You know, because of Noah and everything else?”

  “If Noah can fuck you while he wants to be with me, so can I. I want this more than anything else, and if it turns out Noah has an issue with it, that’s his problem. He doesn’t fucking own me.”

  Josh's face broke open in an unexpected laugh. “Fuck, you two are made for each other. You’ll be so good for him, honey, seriously.”

  Indy leaned on his forearms, brought his mouth a breath away from Josh's. “Lesson number one: when you want me to fuck you, stop talking about how good your other lover and I would be for each other.”

  He kissed Josh deeply. Every emotion he had, every bit of gratitude for the freedom Josh's words had brought, he poured in there. For a few precious minutes, they were one soul, he and Josh, connected on a level he couldn’t even describe.

  “Point taken,” Josh panted when Indy let go. “Fuck, I love kissing you.”

  “Josh, I don’t know how to do this. I want to make it good for you, but I don’t know how.”

  Never had Indy felt so vulnerable, yet safe at the same time. He wanted to bring Josh pleasure, but also wanted to experience for himself that sex could be good. He trusted Josh to do right by him, by both of them.

  Josh kissed him again. “I’m gonna talk you through it, okay?”

  Indy nodded, determined to get this right.

  “I’d like to see your face, so I can see how you’re doing. So maybe we could start with you literally topping me and me on my back, if that’s okay with you?”

  Indy bobbed his head.

  “If you’re topping, it’s your responsibility to prep your bottom. My ass is quite flexible, and I know how to relax, so I usually don’t need much stretching, but if you fuck an inexperienced guy you need to take your time. Noah was really tight and had trouble relaxing, so if you fuck him make sure to stretch him properly. Sit back on your knees.”

  Indy listened intently. He should know this, obviously, but he wasn’t taking any chances. Not with Josh. If he ended up hurting him, he’d never forgive himself. Plus, Noah’s offer was still on the table. If Indy ever took him up on it, he wanted to make it an unforgettable experience for both of them.

  Indy climbed off Josh, took a spot between the guy’s legs, which were spread wide now. Josh opened the drawer of the night table, reached blindly for something and came up with lube and a condom. He pulled up his legs, spread them even wider.

  Josh squirted a bit of lube on his fingers. “I’ll start, and you can take over whenever you want to, okay?”

  Josh brought his fingers down to his ho
le and slipped a finger in. “There’s lots of ways to prep a guy. But the baseline is that you can’t fuck a guy until you’ve managed to get two or three fingers in with ease.”

  Josh swirled his finger around, added a second one. “Can I…?” Indy asked hesitantly.

  Josh nodded and pulled his fingers out. Indy carefully dripped some lube on his fingers. He stared at Josh's pucker for a few seconds before he stretched his arm ever so slowly and brought his fingers forward. He bit his lip.

  “It’s okay,” Josh said softly.

  Indy put his middle finger against Josh's hole and pushed in. He let out a surprised little yelp when his finger slid in all the way. Fuck, it was so different from this perspective. He’d never touched a guy’s hole before, not like this. Not even his own. Duncan had fucked him so often he’d never even had the urge to experiment with himself.

  “More.” Josh's voice was gruff.

  Indy pulled out, added his index finger and slid back in. Josh's breath caught, then released audibly. Josh's ass hugged his fingers tight. Fuck, that silken heat would fit his cock like a glove. It sent a powerful wave of excitement straight to his balls.

  “Slide back and forth a few times and widen your fingers.”

  Josh let out a groan, his body twitching. “This already feels good.” His cock was visibly growing harder. Indy smiled inwardly. Josh really loved having something in his hole. Indy added a third finger. Josh's hole relaxed around him, the muscles giving up their iron grip on his fingers.

  A tiny tremor made Josh's muscles jolt. “Fuck, you feel good inside of me.”

  A slow smile spread across Indy’s mouth and without being told, he pulled out and slid back in a few times, moved his hand. It was a completely new sensation, bringing someone else pleasure like this. Not passively, not by being used, but actively. It rushed through his veins, the satisfaction of getting it right, of doing this to Josh.