Past Transgressions: A Russian Roulette Love Story

by Janae Keyes

  “Yes,” I said kindly, keeping it short as I peered back over to the man getting my breakfast ready.

  “What brings to Russia?”

  I sighed, this guy was too eager to talk to me, and an uneasy feeling washed over me.

  “Sightseeing.”

  “It is place of beauty, Da?”

  “Beautiful.”

  The attendant handed me the paper bag that contained my pastries, and I gripped that bag for dear life as he also placed the disposable cups of tea on the counter. I dropped my money on the counter and turned away so fast. I didn’t care about cream, sugar, or getting my change.

  Leaving the bar car, I tried to be as careful as I could with my tea and pastries while going as quickly as possible back to the cabin I shared with Alexei. I checked over my shoulder where I saw the man from the bar. His eyes met mine, and the grin that came over his face was as sinister as ever.

  I spotted him nod to another man who was seated. The other man stood, and both were in pursuit of me.

  Anxiously, I reached the junction between the cars and jumped through to the first sleeper car. My breath was hurried, and I was sweating from at least every pore. I weaved around an elderly woman, and a family with a gaggle of kids. No matter how fast I moved, the men were not too far behind.

  Switching cars, I was closer than ever to the cabin and Alexei. The hall was empty, and the quiet was interrupted by my scream when a hand took my shoulder into a monstrous grip. The tea flew from my hands as I instinctively reacted and threw the hot tea onto the man directly behind me. He let out a thunderous growl at the hot liquid going over his arm and face.

  Out of breath, I was free from him and continued quickly until I saw a head pop from a cabin door, it was Alexei whose eyes went wide as he saw the men in pursuit. He grabbed me into the cabin and shoved me onto the bunk before slamming the door.

  Pounding instantly came to the door, and Alexei reached into his duffle bag where he pulled out a gun, he took something else from his bag as well and quickly screwed it to the barrel of the gun. I gasped and held my breath the moment the door flew open and the two men barreled inside.

  I curled into a ball on the bunk as the commotion went on around me. I peered to see Alexei struggling with both men. The door slammed, and the one from the bar came directly at me, grabbing me by my throat.

  The more I tried to take a deep breath, the harder it got. I scratched at his arms, my nails digging up chunks of skin with each scratch, but he refused to let up. I was getting dizzy until a hushed pop filled the air, followed immediately by another. The rumbling of the train almost masked them.

  The hands loosened, and I gasped for sweet oxygen.

  The man that Alexei had been struggling with was limp on the floor, a hole in his forehead, reminiscent of the one Katya sported upon her death. I began to scream when the man that choked me moved and groaned.

  Alexei was so fast, and before I knew it, he was kneeling over the man, his hands on the man’s throat the same way the man’s had been on me. I saw the rage in his eyes, they were no longer blue, but the deepest and darkest black. There was also this strange bit of enjoyment I saw.

  The moment I’d seen with Katya had arrived, the moment the light left the man’s eyes. In that moment, Alexei had a satisfied smirk on the edge of his lips, and his darkened eyes glared up at me.

  I’d never been so afraid in my life and what hurt the most was being afraid of the man who I loved. There was no denying that Alexei got a thrill—a high from killing. How could I find myself in love with a man like him?

  “Get up,” Alexei said, but I remained completely still. Fear was running through my veins, and my limbs relentlessly shook. “I say—GET UP!” he roared at me.

  Quicker than lightning, I was to my feet, the bodies of the men keeping me enclosed in a corner. I watched as Alexei lifted the bodies into the bunks, and covered them with the thin blankets before he grabbed the duffle bag we carried over his shoulder.

  “When train stops, we go,” he told me. I said nothing. “They are men of Vadim. Sent to kill.”

  “But you killed them,” I whispered, he didn’t respond to me. I took a deep breath, determined to keep any tears at bay, it wasn’t a time to cry and I had to be the strong woman my mom raised me to be.

  It was the longest ten minutes of my life, standing in the corner of the sleeper, Alexei at the door, watching for movement as the train began to slow. He took my hand and pulled me into the corridor before he shut the door behind us.

  We trekked the corridor until we reached the train door where we would disembark the train. I refused to meet his eyes with my own. I had so many questions, though I knew I’d never want to know the answers.

  Once the doors opened, Alexei pulled me onto the platform, and he began to walk at a rapid pace, I struggled to keep up with him until we reached the main hall of the station. There was no time to take in the beauty as he pulled me once more until we reached a row of lockers.

  “I have instructions,” he announced as he began to look around the lockers until he stopped at one. His hands reached into the duffle bag, and he produced a key that was obviously meant for the locker.

  With a click, he unlocked it and reached inside where he pulled out a cell phone and a large yellow envelope. He put the envelope in the bag and turned on the cell phone. He was seemingly sending a text message.

  A silence hung between us for a few moments until a chime came from the phone. He read over the incoming message before shoving the phone in his pocket and once again pulled me along, almost as if I was a rag doll.

  “Alexei, where are we going?” I anxiously asked him as we left the station out a side entrance.

  “There is hotel room for us, we go and I get more instruction tomorrow,” he informed me quickly before hailing a taxi.

  Alexei as always, did all the talking. We arrived in a quiet part of town on a narrow street. I’d wanted to see Moscow, but never like this.

  He paid the driver and looked around the small street, it was mostly residential except for a pharmacy across the street.

  We were able to get our room quickly. It was dingy and small, but under the circumstances, I wasn’t expecting the Ritz or even a Hilton.

  I sat on the bed. I still felt the lingering nausea I’d experienced on the train. My face in my hands, I let out a long sigh. After over an hour of holding in my emotions, the dam broke. It was impossible to hold it in anymore. I’d witnessed three deaths in only a matter of days, two of them at the hands of my boyfriend that I was trusting my life with.

  Choking sobs erupted from me as I curled into a ball in the middle of the bed. I felt the movement of the mattress, Alexei had joined me. His strong arms held onto me, his hands on me made me jump, and I shoved him away. He’d used those hands just over an hour before to snuff the life out of a man and now he was comforting me.

  “Kisska, what is wrong?” he asked.

  “You, you’re what’s wrong,” I hissed as I tried to scramble away from him. I lifted my head and met his eyes for the first time since. “You’re a fucking monster, and the worst part is I can’t stop loving you.”

  “I told you I was monster.”

  “And I should have believed you. I did believe you, but now I saw it myself. You just killed him, and you enjoyed it—you fucking enjoyed it!” I stood against the wall, my back pressed to it as hard as possible as Alexei’s eyes searched mine.

  “Please, I cannot have you look at me with fear. You have much fear and—” he sniffed, he was trying to not show his weakness, but I saw it and it softened me instantly. “I will never give hurt to you,” he choked as he reached his hand to me and I took it.

  I let Alexei pull me into his arms. He was a murderer. He was my soulmate. I tried to piece the two together, but they didn’t fit. They were not meant to fit, yet, somehow their attraction was undeniable.

  He gripped me close, and held me to him. The way he held me didn’t possess the hesitation I expec
ted, but he held me like I belonged to him, like it was our destiny.

  Chapter 20

  Alexei

  Her bare shoulder drew me in. Rae was fast asleep next to me, her oversized shirt slipping off her shoulders. I was presented with her delicious chocolate skin as she laid in a peaceful slumber. She’d fallen asleep in my arms, and for once she wasn’t having nightmares and waking up screaming. I credited exhaustion for that.

  It would be possibly one of the last times. I pressed my lips to her supple skin, planting delicate kisses. My kisses turned to bites, and my bites pulled moans from her before her eyes fluttered open.

  “Kisska,” I whispered before giving her shoulder one final bite.

  “Mmm, Alexei,” she hummed before I captured her lips with mine for a brief kiss. “What happens now?”

  “More instruction come tomorrow. We wait for instruction,” I told her as my eyes wandered to the cell phone on the bedside table.

  I’d been given a simple bit of instructions, don’t make a scene, and get to the locker for the rest. It was unavoidable to make a scene as Vadim had sent men after us. I was stupid to think we would be able to make it to Moscow unseen. Killing them though, and doing it in front of Rae was never part of my plans. I hated having to do it in front of her. I hadn’t killed in so long, and it was almost like I was struck by a high. It was the exact high I’d missed so much.

  Rae was forced to see the monster that lived inside me. She was forced to face the fact that I was that man, the one who got a thrill from taking the lives of others. I showed her that piece of my past that I never wanted to revisit.

  “I’m starving,” she groaned.

  We hadn’t eaten since the night before, and we’d both slept since getting to the hotel. I knew that we should do what we could to keep our profile low, but we also needed to eat. Rae sat up in the bed. I knew she still had concerns. I knew that she was questioning everything about me.

  “I know you have fear with me. I am sorry for having you pulled in. I am sorry for all you see. I had want to be better man for Mama, but I want to be better for you.” These were our final moments, she needed to know that my love for her wasn’t something that would pass with time, it was forever.

  “You’re not that man. You were that man once, but not anymore,” she said softly as she leaned into me and I wrapped my arms around her.

  I would miss the way her body molded with mine. No other woman had fit perfectly with me. No other woman had made me want to be better in the way that Rae had. Our time was dwindling, and with each moment, I appreciated her more and already missed her.

  “Come, we will find food.” I instructed her to come with me as I stood. We would make a quick trip out of getting food.

  I allowed her time to clean herself up and we left the hotel behind. All my senses were on alert as we stepped through the streets of Moscow. Our footsteps crunched on the snow while we walked hand in hand. Rae said nothing as we strolled, her eyes were on the scenery.

  “Here, a small cafe, there,” I pointed out a small place for us to enjoy that was across the street. I gripped onto her hand and pulled her along as I sprinted across the street and into the small cafe.

  The waitress was busy serving a table but pointed us toward a small table in a corner. Arriving at the table, I helped Rae from her coat and pulled out her chair. Taking my own seat, I glanced across at the beauty who sat in front of me. Even through our last few days of emotional turmoil and near death experiences, she still had a refreshing look about her.

  I slid my hand across the table and took hers into mine. When she left, my heart would go with her, I’d be left a shell of a man without her in my life. I squeezed down on her hand, and I felt my heart beating hard along with her pounding pulse. She knew, there was no doubt about it.

  “I’m afraid when I leave, I won’t be able to remember you. I’m afraid when I think of your face, I won’t see it. I’m afraid of not remembering the sound of your voice and the feel of your touch. You’ll only remain this memory. Tell me that won’t be the case.” She was admitting her heart to me, and her heart held the same fears as mine.

  “I know much of what you speak. I fear same. My life it always had much fear. When fear came, I would take moment to feel the happy in life. Now, I think of the happy you give. I have smiles with you.” I was never a man to smile often, but there were never moments filled with enough joy to bring me smiles. I was always surrounded with anger, lies, and death. With Rae, I found happiness, peace, and an unknown sense of belonging.

  “I’ll always think of the freedom you gave me. I was confined by my responsibilities, and though I will always take care of them, I know it is possible to not be a prisoner to them. I have a new outlook on life because of you.” Rae squeezed my hand back, and I saw the tears welling in her eyes.

  “Do not cry. The tears waste time. We must save time,” I said to her, and she nodded. “Will you do something for me?”

  “Anything.”

  “When I take to embassy, please, don’t fight. Go.”

  She nodded her head and turned away from me. She was forcing the tears to stay at bay. I wanted to hold her tight and tell her it would be okay. Rae would be safe, and that’s all that mattered, she’d be free to live her life. Though, I’d never be able to live it with her.

  After dinner, we stopped at a small shop for some provisions before returning to the hotel. Rae snuggled in my arms as we watched television. The overly dramatic soap opera we’d been watching went off, and the news came on. The top story was two dead bodies found on the train.

  “Wait, that’s the train we were on!” Rae exclaimed as she sat up in bed. The faces and names of the men found dead were shown and Rae turned to me, concerned. She didn’t know what the report was saying, but she got enough to know it could mean trouble for us.

  “All will be fine,” I tried to reassure her, but I already felt her limbs shaking in reaction. I’d turned her life upside down, and things would never be the same. She’d have to hold these secrets with her.

  I took the remote into my hand and turned off the TV. There was no use of watching more. Rae didn’t need any more torture. Once I had instructions, I would be making sure I got Rae straight to the embassy without any complications. It was time to let her go. I didn’t want to do it, but it would happen soon, too soon.

  “I’m so scared. What if the plan goes bad? What if you’ve been setup? Alexei, I don’t know what I’d do if—.”

  “Do not give speak, Kisska.” I pressed my fingers to her plump lips.

  “Aren’t you scared?”

  “Yes.”

  Rae was the only person in the entire word I’d ever admit that to. I wouldn’t ever tell my family or even the closest confidant but Rae, she deserved my truth and all that came with it. Rae deserved all of my and my honesty at every turn, as long as she would not get hurt because of it.

  “I keep thinking about going home,” she began as she gazed off into the distance. “Living in the apartment without Katya, knowing everything that happened here and not being able to speak a word, and leaving you behind. I’m going back home a changed woman, nothing in my life with ever be the same before of you.”

  “I have much same feelings,” I noted to her. Rae snuggled in closer, absorbing the warmth as the heat in the room wasn’t quite adequate for the freezing January night.

  “Kisska, I do have question, it is for safety.”

  “Yes?”

  “Do you know of firing gun?”

  “Do I know how?”

  I nodded in response.

  “Yes,” she answered simply. She then chuckled to herself. I watched her, confused, but didn’t open my mouth. “My ex-boyfriend, my son’s father taught me. It seems I attract criminals to fall in love with.” She then paused and threw her hands over her mouth, her eyes screamed of an apology. “I’m sorry. That came out wrong.”

  “No, it is truth. I am criminal. You do not have embarrassment. I am man who sto
le from government and killed in name of false family. I deserve punishment for all. I am criminal.”

  “I’m still sorry,” she whispered before planting a kiss on my chest. I knew the context of which she spoke, and I had no anger toward her.

  “Come, let us find sleep,” I suggested as I pulled the thin hotel blanket over the two of us and turned off the lamp.

  Holding her close, I found my melody and began to sing my family’s song. The very song my grandfather had sang to my grandmother. It was the song they sang to their children, and the song my mother sang to me.

  “Ty moy tsvetochek, ty ochen' prekrasnaya mne

  Ty koroleva sada, nagrada vsego

  YA zabochus' o tebe so vsem moim vnimaniyem i ty vozvrashchayesh' moyu lyubov' mne

  YA nablyudayu za toboy pod lunoy so svetom na tvoikh lepestkakh

  Ty tantsuyesh' pod dozhdem, tvoya sila ukreplyayet menya

  Ty moy urozhay, nezhnyy priz

  Ty ne ischezayesh', a tol'ko bol'she raztsvetayesh'

  Moy nezhnyy tsvetochek, ty vsegda moya lyubov'”

  The words of the family song echoed in my mind, each of them slipping perfectly from my lip. I sang the song over and over again. I sang it from memory and sang until I felt the shift in Rae’s consciousness. She’s fallen asleep in my arms, peaceful. I pressed my lips to the top of her head before I caught myself drifting after her.

  The night was rough. The nightmares had returned, and I’d been awoken at least three times by Rae’s screams. She’d never be the same, and it was on me, I’d have to live with that fact and take responsibility for it, which I did. Each time she awoke, I sang her back to sleep, lulling her into hopefully better dreams.

  I was groggy as she slept, her head on my lap. My poor girl, exhaustion had taken over eventually, and she slept without a peep.

  Tears had built in my eyes, and the gates had flooded, forcing them free and down my cheeks as I watched Rae. For the first time since my father was murdered, I was having deeper emotions, I was feeling. Rae had changed so much of me in nearly three weeks, and I’d broken her.