Let Me Be Your First (Music and Letters #1)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  ‘Really?’ he asked Luke while bizarrely winked at him. I shook his hand, but only because it was the polite thing to do. I was anything but bad mannered, even if it meant connecting my hand with Martin the letch. ‘Isn’t this a surprise? How long have you been seeing each other?’ he asked Luke, but didn’t stop beaming at me.

  ‘Not long. We’ve known each other a while, though.’ Luke awkwardly rubbed his hand along the back of his neck.

  ‘Elle! I can’t believe it! Long time no see.’ A shrieking voice took my attention from the clumsy interaction with Martin. I was skilled in remembering faces, but names were my nemesis. The scene from The Devil Wears Prada where Anne Hathaway whispered the names of guests at a function into the ear of mighty fashion bitch Meryl Streep ran through my mind. I needed my own Anne Hathaway.

  ‘Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten me already. Uni wasn’t that long ago.’ She laughed a high-pitched laugh, which unlocked my brain and catapulted me back to uni and the tiny chairs with the weird, wonky arm tables that threatened to collapse under the pressure of a notebook and pen.

  ‘Donna, how are you?’ I asked, stepping back as she wrapped her arms around me in a hug that should only be reserved for close friends, not for two people who happened to be on the same course and hadn’t seen each other for two years out of choice. I hated the stupid we lost touch bullshit. I saw Luke’s shoulders shake in a silent laugh as I peered at him across her shoulder.

  ‘How are you? You look exactly the same, you lucky thing,’ she said.

  ‘It’s only been a couple of years,’ I mumbled through her hair, although I had noticed that her thighs had ballooned somewhat. She always did have a weakness for almond croissants for breakfast, which are never a good idea when you are balancing on the delicate line between gorgeously curvy and worryingly insulin dependent.

  ‘Don’t tell me you’re his flavour of the month?’ she said, looking at our linked hands and patting his arm. I knew there were a ton of reasons why I didn’t keep in touch with her.

  ‘Fuck me,’ I heard Luke mumble.

  ‘Sorry? Flavour of the month?’ I asked with just a dash of frustration and a huge amount of lost humour in my voice.

  ‘I mean…well…just ignore me.’ She smiled and retreated from Luke, quickly abandoning the conversation. He shook his head and we both breathed an audible sigh of relief when they finally opened the doors to let us in.

  We parted ways as we entered the long boardroom. Abi slumped down next to me and invaded my personal space with her spot-on observations. ‘What was all that about and who the hell was the tactless woman in the orange jacket?’ she whispered as the presentation got underway.

  ‘We went to uni with her.’

  ‘Did we? I’m sure I would have remembered her.’

  ‘Donna. She was a bitch,’ I muttered out the side of my mouth.

  ‘She is a bitch. Fucking flavour of the month. Never trust a woman that wears an orange jacket and red Mary Janes. I get the quirky vibe. Some people can carry it off, but she looks like she tackled her colour block wardrobe in the dark this morning.’

  Abi was the best kind of friend. She was loyal to the end, hypersensitive to your needs, and a master at reading situations and deciding which journey to take you on. Laughter won out this time, but a hug, tissues and a listening ear might be needed later.

  Luke sat a few rows in front, turning his head every so often and smiling or raising his eyebrows depending on the point being made. I laughed at his sarcastic sign language and nudged Abi on the back of her neck when she pretended to ignore his existence.

  During the coffee break, I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. I turned to find Colin sitting behind me. ‘Tell me if it’s none of my business, but I couldn’t help noticing the little connection you had with Luke Simms this morning,’ he said.

  I frowned, not expecting the theme of the discussion. Supervision or quiet times snatched in the office were the usual times for Colin to voice his quiet concerns about our love lives. Abi was usually top of the hit list.

  ‘We’ve been together almost two months,’ I replied cautiously.

  ‘I thought so. Kate may have mentioned something too,’ he muttered in the hope I hadn’t registered the Kate comment. ‘Look, I haven’t had the opportunity to say anything before, but it bothers me. He bothers me. He has a reputation. He’s a flirt. I know it’s none of my business. I’m not your father, but I don’t want to see you get hurt.’ He sighed and sat back in his chair like a load had been lifted from his shoulders.

  I shook my head and thought about what I wanted to say next, what I wanted to ask, but most of all, I thought about where we were and who was in the room with us sitting no more than a few rows away. ‘Can I ask why you’re telling me this? What’s your intention?’

  He shuffled around in his seat and bore his eyes into the back of Luke’s head. ‘I’ve nothing against him. He’s a great guy, brilliant social worker, but I’ve seen the hurt he can cause.’ I looked over to where Luke was sitting. I watched as he chatted with the people around him. They were mostly women, some men, but they were all listening to him eagerly, taking their turns to make him laugh or touch him inconspicuously. He had a captive audience. ‘You’re a great girl, Elle. I just don’t want to see him mess you around.’

  ‘How do you know all of this?’

  ‘Emma Shrine is my niece.’ He looked at the floor and whispered. ‘And I’ve known a few others over the years. I was his manager when he first qualified, and I inadvertently had to get involved with situations that happened in the office.’

  ‘Like?’

  ‘He cheated on his girlfriend. And more than once too. I shouldn’t be telling you this,’ he said, his cheeks red and sweat dripping down his hairline. ‘Listen, when you bring relationships into the office, it’s inevitable that problems occur; disgruntled women, inappropriate office behaviour, that sort of thing. Nothing was proven or went any further, but I saw some of the patterns in his behaviour with Emma. She was pretty torn up about it.’

  ‘He left her for me,’ I said, fixing my eyes onto the back of the hall.

  ‘I know. I figured that out myself. I can’t tell you what to do, but just be careful. Forewarned is forearmed. That’s my motto.’

  Luke turned his head and sheepishly looked from Colin to me, smiling tightly.

  After the presentation had finished, Luke and I walked over to a café in the arcade of shops underneath the Council House. We both purchased our own coffee and muffins and sat in a quiet corner on a table for two. I welcomed the air conditioning and he welcomed the chance to be alone. ‘Did you find that awkward?’ he asked as he dropped the sugar into his drink.

  ‘Which bit?’

  ‘I stumbled when I introduced you. I wasn’t sure what to say.’

  ‘Yeah, I noticed.’

  ‘I know. You show everything on your face.’ He smiled and looked to his coffee. ‘You looked anxious when Colin was talking to you.’

  ‘You saw?’

  ‘I noticed. He warned you away from me, didn’t he?’

  ‘He’s looking out for me.’

  ‘What exactly did he say to you?’ He frowned harshly, blustering emotions whirling across his face. I knew he wasn’t angry. It was something else. He was holding all the pieces of himself together in that frown.

  ‘He told me he’s Emma’s uncle,’ I said, wishing he would give me my air back. He seemed to have taken mine when he sucked in his.

  ‘Is that all he said?’

  ‘Yes.’ I knew Colin had crossed a line into unprofessional territory, but I wasn’t about to throw him under the bus.

  ‘OK,’ he said, rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand, stirring the charge between us.

  ‘Going back to introductions. It’s hard to know how to introduce each other when we haven’t formalised what we are.’

  ‘How do you feel about formalising us?’

  He smiled and leant forward.

  ‘That wo
uld be good.’

  We both smiled awkwardly and dropped eye contact.

  He studied the blueberries poking out the top of his muffin while I played with the salt and pepper pots until he finally spoke. ‘Shall we say we’re seeing each other in a boyfriend-girlfriend kind of way?’

  ‘Romance isn’t your strong point, is it?’

  He shook his head lightly. ‘I like seeing you. I want to see you.’

  ‘So, we’re seeing each other?’ I asked playfully.

  ‘In a boyfriend-girlfriend capacity.’

  Chapter Fourteen

  Despite Colin’s attempts to warn me about Luke, our relationship was going from strength to strength, as was my confidence, so it only felt natural to ignore the accidental warning signs

  Finally, I felt like I was joining the rest of the world and waking from a twenty-three year slumber, permanently extinguishing the questions and whispers that I’d actively hidden away from. That was more important to me than openly admitting the doubts I had about Luke and the status of our relationship.

  We spoke on the phone most nights, often talking until the early hours of the morning. He started to share more of himself with me, but I knew he had an inbuilt filter. I knew he was only telling me what he thought I needed to hear. I hung on to every last word, desperate to learn more about the life experiences that had shaped him into the man who, for now, I could call mine.

  Although he had started opening up, he didn’t really talk about his family. He talked about his brother with enough ease to joke about their differences, but he was far less comfortable talking about his parents. I knew they lived in Cornwall; that in itself had put distance between them, not only figuratively, but emotionally too. I didn’t push him. There was obviously a story there.

  July was my birthday month. In three days’ time, I was going to turn twenty-four years old. Summer was in full bloom, and the heat and blue skies added to the excitement of spending my first birthday in a relationship. Life was good. I would usually spend my birthday with Abi, Gem and Kate on a wild adventure in the city, but as I was seeing Luke on the night, the girls agreed to celebrate a few days before. They had all clubbed together to buy me the stunning Mulberry purse that I had been frequently visiting over the last few months. Abi had taken notice of my lustful window gazes on shopping trips and had suggested it to the girls.

  Abi crouched down beside me as I felt my way across the paper. ‘So, is tonight going to be the night?’

  ‘I’m not sure. Hopefully.’

  ‘The man hasn’t attempted anything more than a heated kiss and a grope in the last three weeks. It’s happening tonight. Trust me. His balls will be a royal shade of blue.’

  Tearing off the tissue paper and fawning over the purse led to the inevitable interrogation about Luke’s birthday present. ‘He’s taking me out for a meal,’ I shrugged, trying to master the art of deflection.

  ‘Yeah, but what is he buying you? Or is it a surprise?’ Trust Kate to sniff out the bullshit.

  ‘He’s taking me out for a meal,’ I repeated, trying not to notice the jaws that had dropped firmly onto the coffee table.

  ‘He hasn’t got you a present?’

  ‘He said because we haven’t been seeing each other long, he thought it was too soon to buy presents.’ I tried to gloss over the glaringly obvious fact that Luke’s theory on birthday presents had sounded so much better when I reasoned it out in the comfort of my own head.

  ‘What?’ they collectively asked. ‘Are you kidding?’

  Abi reared up, knocking a wine glass on the floor. ‘What kind of boyfriend doesn’t buy his girlfriend a birthday present? What a fucking tightwad,’ she sneered, scrunching her face in disgust. I wanted to take a picture of her face and commission it as a burglar deterrent. Her face stuck on the inside of a window instead of a Warning! An Alsatian lives here! would make a much better alternative to an alarm.

  ‘I kind of get it, but not even a box of chocolates or some perfume?’ Kate asked as she sliced up the birthday cake Gem and the kids had made.

  ‘Is he even going to bother with a birthday card?’ Abi huffed as she spooned a mouthful of chocolate cake.

  ‘He’s taking me out for a meal. Isn’t that enough?’ I shrugged slightly as my attempt to defend Luke was blatantly ignored.

  ‘Make sure you don’t have to pay for it this time,’ Abi said sarcastically. I had told them all about going Dutch, and I’d received a mixed response. Abi, of course, called him a fucknugget. I felt like I was defending a balaclava-wearing thug robbing pensioners at knifepoint for their bingo cards or loose change. He didn’t intend to do it. The knife just slipped out of his pocket and magically found its way to her jugular vein.

  ‘Ha. Ha,’ I replied as she hit a nerve with her bluntness. Abi had always said the truth had the habit of setting you free, but before it did, it would royally piss you off.

  I had booked the day of my birthday off work. It was a tradition. The thought of working on my birthday highly offended me.

  Another birthday tradition in the Davis household featured bacon. Every birthday should feature bacon. I hugged Mum as she served a full English breakfast complete with a lit candle pushed into the skin of the sausage.

  ‘Happy birthday! I have a little something for you. We wanted to treat you, so we’ve gone all out.’ She produced a small blue box with a perfectly tied white ribbon. I recognised it immediately. Tiffany was the only jewellery for me. I would walk right past pretty shop displays of colourful trinkets because they just didn’t excite me. But walking down Old Bond Street and letting my feet direct me to Tiffany’s! That excited me. I had an inbuilt satnav programmed to find designer brands in beautiful places with beautiful displays in their beautiful shop windows. It was a crying shame I didn’t have the budget to match.

  ‘Mum, you’ve spent far too much money on me. What were you thinking?’ I traced my finger across the ribbon, disappointed to ruin the perfection of the bow, but happy to forfeit it because I was more excited to see what was inside. I took out my phone and snapped a picture of it just for memory’s sake.

  ‘What’s the point of having money if it just sits in a bank? I want to enjoy spending it whilst I’m still alive. Think of it as adding to the family heirlooms. You can pass it on to your daughter and she can pass it on to hers.’

  ‘Open it then!’ As the ribbon fell away, I pulled off the blue top and found a blue suede pocket inside. My fingers searched until they found a delicate silver chain with a signature Tiffany coffee bean shining in the early morning sun that was forcing it’s way through the French doors. I draped it around my fingers and held up the tiny silver charm just to make sure it was real.

  ‘Mum, it’s perfect. Thank you.’ She pushed my hair to the side, pulling her fingers through to make it cascade down in blonde waves across my shoulder. I clasped it around my neck, holding it in place with my hand to secure it as mine.

  When evening arrived, my nerves got the better of me. Luke was picking me up from home so that he could meet my parents for the first time. I had to spend an afternoon talking him into it. I could sense his apprehension when he turned an interesting shade of pale, but he reluctantly agreed, which was good enough for me.

  I waited by the window. When his car pulled up, I released a breath that bounced between my head, heart and stomach. Mum was standing behind me clutching onto my shoulders for dear life, watching and waiting for him to get out of the car. Aside from the death grip, she seemed calm. She was ready for this. Ready to see her baby girl fall in love and flourish.

  The sound of a car horn evaporated the happy daydream we were both participating in separately.

  ‘Isn’t he coming in?’ she asked as I turned and caught a brief flash of upset before she smiled wide, hiding her dismay. I didn’t need to say anything. The disappointment reflected in my eyes said it all. ‘Well, you’d better go then. I hope you have a wonderful night,’ she said, almost convincingly.

  The sting of
upset filled my eyes while disappointment filled my head with doubts. I cautiously walked towards his car and let myself in the passenger’s side. I couldn’t give him eye contact. He didn’t deserve it.

  ‘Hey, sorry. We’re running late, so I thought it would be better to just go. I can say hi to your parents another time,’ he said, punching his point by tapping the face of his watch. ‘It’s been a crazy busy day. Happy birthday.’ He paused to brush away an eyelash that had landed just above my cheekbone. ‘Make a wish,’ he said as he presented it to me on the tip of his finger. I blew it away in one surprisingly steady breath, then he stroked my cheek tenderly before kissing my lips slowly and precisely. I melted into his arms again, forgetting my disappointment. And just like that, all was forgiven.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Exactly thirteen minutes and twenty six seconds into the car journey, we still hadn’t addressed Luke’s avoidance of meeting my parents. Maybe he felt it was also too early in the relationship for that. Too soon to give birthday presents. Too soon to meet the folks. Maybe all relationships came with a dos and don’ts handbook, or was it just the Luke Simms Guide to Dating that set the rules?

  ‘I’m going to be an uncle,’ he smiled as he playfully banged his fist to his heart. ‘How amazing is that?’

  ‘Really? That’s so amazing. You’ll love being an uncle.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s great. I can be cool Uncle Luke and then return them to their parents when I’ve had enough,’ he laughed. ‘My very own family without the hassle.’

  ‘Stop it, you’re massaging my ovaries,’ I said with a critically timed eye roll. His words stung. No woman wanted to hear their boyfriend describe the thought of having a family as a hassle. ‘You don’t want a family?’ I asked tentatively. He openly bristled, making me immediately want to grab the stupidly stupid words from the air and push them back into my mouth.