Let Me Be Your First (Music and Letters #1)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  Rubbing slow circles over the back of my hand with his finger, he huffed out a breath in irritation. ‘I’ve told you before that I don’t see myself in that kind of relationship. I’m enjoying what we have. Now. At this moment. Let’s just enjoy being together. Stop asking questions that put that at risk.’ His finger retreated from my hand. I immediately felt the loss, forcing unexpected tears to cloud my vision. I desperately tried to hide this from him, but he was watching me cautiously, silently debating what he could say next to appease the crazy lady sitting in his passenger’s seat. ‘I really like you, but you’ve got to try to stop analysing everything I say.’

  ‘I’m not. I just thought—’

  ‘No, Elle, you assumed,’ he sighed, shaking his head slightly. ‘I love being with you, but I don’t have a crystal ball. I really don’t know how I’m going to feel a few years from now. I just know I like what we have and what we’re building together.’

  He was right. We had only just started to get to know each other and I had already picked out the colour scheme for the make-believe nursery in our fictional house for our non-existent baby.

  When we arrived at the restaurant, he pulled on the handbrake with such force I thought it was going to disconnect from the car. He sat back, staring out of the windscreen, fiddling with the rubber around the windows. ‘Sorry, I just get tetchy when I’m forced to think about what this is.’

  I felt the same way. I got tetchy wondering if I was wasting my time, but I wouldn’t walk away. I was on board the casual relationship bus, destination unknown, and no stops at Marriage Town or Babyville.

  The restaurant was old-school posh in a quintessentially English way. The curtains had huge tassel tiebacks, the carpet had seen decidedly better days, and the horse brasses and old copper kettles needed a good polish. I had to resist the urge to blow on them, sending huge clouds into the air and awakening the ghosts of pub dwellers from the eighties. I forgave the ever so slightly grandma-ish décor and heavy scent of mould once I tasted the steak. This place was a hidden gem.

  ‘The food is amazing. How did you discover this place?’

  ‘I came here with my ex and I brought Emma here once.’

  ‘Oh,’ I replied quietly as I bunched the fabric of my top in an attempt to steady myself. Before his confession, I had considered leaving a review on Trip Advisor and sharing it on my Facebook page. Now, the place could rot in its own shabby chic vibe for all I cared.

  We lightened the mood by ordering a chocolate cheesecake to share, fighting each other with our spoons for the last piece, then laughing the night away until a waiter approached our table with the bill. The restaurant had been a hive of activity when we arrived, but now it was quiet with just a few tables filled with hushed voices and carefree couples.

  I waited hesitantly to see if Luke was going to pay for my birthday meal. I let out a held breath when he pulled the credit card out of his wallet and handed it over to pay. ‘My treat; happy birthday!’ he said, unaware he had just lifted a huge weight from bearing down on my shoulders. I could now confidently tell my friends and family that Luke’s birthday treat had been taking me out for a perfectly civilised meal. In your face, doubters. Who needed gifts, cards, flowers or chocolates? Who else wanted their boyfriends to buy them trinkets, love tokens, or plastic cards with beautiful words detailing how much you are loved and adored? Who wanted teddy bears with to my amazingly wonderful girlfriend stitched across their tummies? Not me. Nope. No. Not at all.

  ‘What shall we do now? It’s still quite early,’ I said as I sipped the last pink drops of my wine.

  ‘Shall I tell you what I want to do?’ he said, staring at me intensely. ‘I want to take you home and fuck you.’

  We couldn’t get out of the restaurant fast enough. We practically ran to his car.

  We awkwardly walk-kissed to his front door, bumping heads and tripping, desperately trying not to break the contact, laughing as he dropped his keys, but turning serious when he led me up the stairs to his bedroom.

  ‘Sit on the bed,’ he commanded as he knelt down in front of me. I started to shake as he unbuttoned my blouse, slowly pulling it down both arms and scrunching the thin fabric into a ball before tossing in onto the floor. A gasp escaped my lips as he firmly pulled me by my thighs towards where he was kneeling. I came undone, shamelessly writhing my body as he ran his hand between my breasts, stopping when he reached the strap of my bra, pulling it down so it hung loosely at my elbow. I whispered unintelligible words and watched as he smiled at my unabashed ecstasy, moaning again as he slowly rubbed his fingertips over the cup of my bra.

  I wanted to give a good first performance. The nine women before me had probably enabled him to experience the full range of sex. Hot and heavy partners who would be more than happy to take his cock out of his pants and suck him dry in the back of a taxi. Or sweet, sensitive souls who whispered romantic phrases and stroked their gentle fingers over his most sensitive parts. Maybe he had made love to a low-key dominatrix who had read Fifty Shades, awakening her love of leather riding crops and ball gags. What would he expect from the twenty-four-year-old virgin who was even surprising herself with her inexplicable moans and bold moves?

  I wished my mind would stop wandering the hills and valleys of overanalysing and self-doubt that were tucked away in the part of my brain that I wished had an on-off switch. I started to think that perhaps I would be better off staying a virgin after all, but when I looked at his face and caught my reflection in the deep blue of his eyes, I knew that was rubbish. If I didn’t get his cock inside me soon, I was going to drop to my knees on the floor in protest.

  Our hands explored each other’s bodies and his fingers went dangerously close to parts untouched. I was frustrated that he was still fully clothed. I wanted to feel his naked skin on mine. I unbuttoned his shirt and swiftly took it off with my trembling hands. He leant down and started unbuttoning my trousers, tapping my thigh with his fingers, asking me to stand up. As he hooked his fingers into my belt loops and pulled my trousers down, he caused a moan to escape my lips. He continued stroking his fingers up my thighs to the curve of my behind, where he kneaded the flesh skilfully. His soft, hot lips were on my skin causing a heat so intense I wasn’t sure I would survive it.

  As he kissed the top of my thighs, I moved my hands into his hair and massaged his scalp roughly. I was rewarded with a deep moan. His gentle caressing hands became more intense and needy as they ran up to my underwear. He slipped his fingers underneath the waistband and pulled them down forcefully. He then proceeded to kiss where I was hot, wet, and aching for more.

  ‘Oh God, this is too much,’ I said as I watched his mouth explore me. He looked up and licked his lips lazily before gently pushing me backwards until I was on my back. I watched as he stepped out of his jeans. He stood in front of me in tight black boxers that clearly showed the outline of his hard cock. I felt the weight of his body bearing down over me before I could think straight. He pressed his weight onto the points of his elbows, allowing me to run my hands over his back and shoulders. The actions of my fingers made him close his eyes.

  ‘I need you,’ he groaned, unclasping my bra, then slowly licking and nibbling my nipples fantastically. ‘Are you ready for me?’ he whispered, kissing the sensitive skin under my earlobe and trailing down my neck.

  ‘I’ve been waiting my whole life for you.’

  He removed his boxers and reached over to the bedside cabinet where he took out a condom. He knelt in front of me. I instinctively opened my legs in silent invitation. He smiled and started stroking himself. I watched with newly discovered hunger, the sight of him pleasuring himself sending pulses through me.

  He hastily ripped a condom packet open with his teeth, rolling it on the end of his hard cock. I was hungry and needy, my body awaiting his touch. I wanted him to fill me. I wanted to feel the intoxicating ripples of pleasure deep inside me for the first time. His hand found my pussy and he started rhythmically rubbing circles on my cli
t. It wasn’t enough. Despite the pleasure building inside me, it just wasn’t enough. ‘You are so ready,’ he moaned as he pushed a finger inside me.

  ‘I need you. Please.’

  ‘I don’t want to hurt you, so just try to relax as much as you can.’ He held the head of his cock at my entrance and slowly pushed his way inside, stopping himself inch by inch to check that I was still with him and I was still OK.

  I was shaky and scared, but I wanted this.

  ‘More, Luke. Please.’ I wanted to feel all of him. I fought my way through the burn and panicky tremors. He held my gaze as he pushed his full length inside me, moaning deeply as he reached the limit. He stilled and pressed his forehead to my shoulder.

  ‘Are you OK?’ he whispered. ‘Talk to me.’

  I circled my hips slowly as I took in the initial pain, but I welcomed the feeling of being filled by him so deliciously.

  ‘I need more,’ I panted. ‘Please, give me more.’

  ‘Fuck, you feel so good,’ he moaned through gritted teeth and as he started to push himself inside. His initial worries of hurting me had vanished and he started to let go, thrusting harder and deeper into me. ‘I’m not going to last much longer; you feel amazing.’ He exhaled as he increased the pace.

  My hips tried to match his, our bodies slamming together faster and faster until I felt the calm rush of my orgasm start to gather momentum. He reached down to tease my clit, lifting his body slightly to change the feeling inside me, realising instinctively that I was ready to explode.

  I cried out, my orgasm creeping up quickly as he hit places I thought were an unachievable myth. Luke followed quickly after, swearing and moaning until he crashed down on top of me.

  We lay together, a tangled mess of limbs and bedclothes.

  ‘Tell me what you’re thinking,’ he said, turning his head towards me and stroking the curve of my eyebrow.

  I smiled as we both turned our bodies to each other, unable to control our laughter. ‘I can’t believe that just happened to me.’ My body was limp and lifeless, but at the same time, full of life. I felt reawakened. Sated. A wonderful mixture of both. I had a newfound awareness of my body and what it was capable of. I wanted to shout, scream and dance. But most of all, I wanted to punish myself for denying my body the pleasure that could only be captured between two people in lust.

  ‘What are you thinking about?’ he asked as he took my nipple into his mouth and sucked hard. I gasped at the intensity. I was still too sensitive after my orgasm. Even an eyebrow touch would have been intense.

  ‘I’m thinking about all the years of euphoria I’ve missed out on.’ I smiled as he laughed at my astute reflection.

  ‘You have some catching up to do,’ he joked.

  I sat up on my elbows and watched as the man who had just given me so much removed the condom and start to dress.

  ‘You look deep in thought,’ he said as he dropped his head to softly kiss me.

  ‘I know it’s cheesy, but I feel different. I feel good. I feel…uplifted.’

  ‘Wow! No one has ever described the impact of my bedroom skills like that before. I should make some badges. Luke Simms will make you feel uplifted,’ he laughed. ‘Happy birthday, Elle! Did I make it good for you?’ he whispered as he buried his face in my neck.

  ‘Yes, it was perfect.’

  Chapter Sixteen

  I returned home a few hours before the alarm was due to go off. I managed to have a quick shower before flying out the door for work. Even the inevitable questions from my mum about the night before took a back seat.

  Arriving to the office a few minute late, Kate offered me a lifeline as she handed me a fresh cup of coffee. ‘You’re a life saver, Kate.’ I gladly took the cup, hoping the caffeine would quickly enter my veins and propel some life back into me.

  ‘You look like you’ve been thoroughly—’

  ‘Stop!’ I laughed, only lowering my voice when I became acutely aware of several heads that had turned towards us. Kate giggled as I fanned my face with my hands to stop the heat rising to my cheeks and giving my newfound sluttiness away.

  ‘I need all the details! Set some time aside and we’ll go somewhere for lunch. Does Abi know?’

  ‘I spoke to her last night. I knew she was out for most of the morning, and she texted me twelve times, so I thought I’d better fill her in.’

  ‘Well, she’ll want to see you. I’ll text her and ask her to lunch.’ Throughout the morning, whenever I glanced in Kate’s direction, she had a stupid grin on her face. I spent the morning shaking my head at her, giving her the death stare, silently demanding her not to ask questions in front of our colleagues about the recent developments concerning my vagina.

  Normality soon settled in. Life continued, but I felt different. A lot can change over the course of twenty-four hours, but my casework and inevitable concerns remained stoically the same. After several calls to and from a head teacher regarding Dani, a twelve-year-old girl who had been one of my longest running cases, it was finally lunchtime.

  ‘Was that about Dani?’ Kate asked.

  ‘Yes, she’s been cutting school to care for her mum.’

  ‘Poor kid.’ Dani was a young carer. Her mother had ME. They had good days and bad days, but when it was bad, she felt the heavy responsibility of caring for her. They made a great team and she was a great kid, but it affected her school attendance and she was falling behind. School reported their concerns to me every day, and every day I joked that they must have believed I had a magic wand tucked away in my bra to change the situation at home.

  At lunch, Kate and I went to the local café to for a sandwich and a catch up. I asked her if Gem would be joining us. Apparently, Jay had gone round to Gem’s the night before to talk about contact with the boys. It didn’t end well, so Gem wasn’t feeling up to meeting us.

  The bell above the door clanged as Abi breezed through. ‘Well, well. If it isn’t the girl who has lost her purity!’ She hugged me so tight she almost pushed the air out of my lungs. ‘You’ve made me so proud,’ she joked, clutching her chest and pretending to cry. ‘Tell me, oh slutty one, how do you feel?’

  ‘I feel different’

  ‘Oh please, that’s such a cliché. The only things I felt when I lost mine were a major sense of disappointment and a startling realisation that I was on the bus to Slutsville. Then again, I was only fifteen and Nigel from the lunchtime book club didn’t know his way around his own penis, let alone my vag.’

  ‘Oh, no! Your first time was with a book nerd called Nigel?’ Kate snorted.

  ‘What can I say? I had a big thing for nerds. Anyway, this isn’t about my long forgotten virginity. This is about you. So, how was it? Spare me all the details. I don’t want to know. Cock size would make me puke, and danglidge even more so—’

  ‘Just be reassured that he was gentle and caring and I had a great time.’

  ‘Did he make you come?’

  ‘You don’t need to worry about that, Abi.’

  ‘Good. I’d have kicked his arse if he hadn’t. There’s no excuse in this day and age for a man not to make his girl come,’ she said as she casually cleaned her phone screen across her boob.

  Our laughter filled the café. We ignored the judgemental stares, laughed at the envious looks, and flirted with the men who tried it on after listening in to our conversation.

  This was my perfect kind of normal.

  Light entered my room early through the crack between the curtains, waking me as it hit my eyes. I tried to ignore the signs of morning by rolling over to the cold side of the bed and closing my eyes in a vain effort to return to sleep, but it was proving to be impossible with Luke on my mind.

  My phone vibrated across the dressing table top alerting me to an incoming message.

  Luke: I’m missing you…

  Me: I’m missing you too

  Luke: Can we talk?

  The phone immediately began to ring.

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘My gra
nddad died,’ he said, blurting the words out quickly, almost like the faster he said the words, the more he didn’t have to believe they were true. I knew very little about his family, so I felt like I was clutching at straws trying to think of the right thing to say.

  ‘I’m so sorry. Were you close?’ I asked lamely.

  ‘We were. Not recently, though. I hadn’t seen him in a while.’

  My heart pained for him. He seemed quiet and distracted, but I sensed his need to talk. ‘How did you find out?’

  I heard him take a deep breath before he went through the early morning call he had received from his parents. ‘I’m going to the funeral. It’s in Cornwall, so I’ll be gone a few days,’ he said, his voice returning to a steady, matter-of-fact tone. His grandfather had been ill for some time. He’d passed away peacefully with Luke’s parents at his bedside. ‘I’m going to spend some time with my parents before the funeral.’

  ‘Do you want me to come with you?’

  ‘I don’t think so. It would involve meeting my parents and family. I just can’t handle that with everything else that’s going on.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes.’

  I held my hand over my mouth to try to disguise my disappointment. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to be the one to offer comfort, the one he would seek out when times were rough. I assumed that was a natural part of being in a relationship—a partnership—you both needed each other during the highs and the lows of life.

  ‘Will you come over?’ he pleaded, his voice shaky and rough.

  Within twenty minutes, we were in his hallway locked in a tight embrace. The house was in darkness apart from the hall light. I could hear the faint sound of music through the earphones draped over the arm of the chair where he had left them in his hurry to open the door. Music calmed and soothed him. That was something I could relate to. Music was like medication to me. I listened to it when I was happy, it spoke to me when I was sad, and it soothed me when I was hurting. As I pulled out of his arms, I realised that he didn’t have to say anything. I knew in that moment that he needed me.