Let Me Be Your First (Music and Letters #1)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  His touch was different, more strained and firm as he lifted me up and wrapped my legs around his waist to carry me up the stairs. I yelped at the burn on the inside of my thighs and lost my breath with his intensity, but he showed no sign of slowing down as he backed me onto the bed. He didn’t let me go. He seemed to need the connection, only breaking our embrace to swiftly pull my trousers down.

  He was rough and unrefined, licking and nipping his way up the inside of my legs, pushing them wide open. The change in pace turned me on. I was wet and ready for him. When his tongue started licking at my clit in a fast rhythm, I moaned loudly, firing his desperate need. His desperation only intensified as I held on to the back of his head to steady him. He was frantic and daring, pushing me into positions we hadn’t tried before, touching previously forbidden areas on my body. ‘I want to fuck you here,’ he panted as he brushed his fingers across my behind. ‘Do you think you’d like that?’ I couldn’t deny that his words excited me, but wasn’t sure I wanted to venture towards that area. My vagina was still getting acquainted with his penis. I didn’t want to introduce his penis to anywhere else just yet.

  ‘Not now. Not yet,’ I said, my legs feeling light and flimsy.

  ‘I’ll wait. Turn around,’ he ordered. I quickly followed his instruction so that my back was facing him. His strong hands slid around me, stroking my sensitive skin, moving up to squeeze my breasts. I moaned out, breaking the silence of the house as he squeezed my nipples with his fingers. I was on my hands and knees on the bed when I heard the noise of the condom packet rip open. He pushed his hand in the centre of my back, encouraging me to bend, and held my hips steady as he thrust into me from behind. He groaned loudly in an attempt to collect himself.

  ‘This is going to be quick, OK. I’m not going to last,’ he whispered before thrusting into me at a terrific pace. I had to lean down onto my elbows to stop myself from moving towards the top of the bed with each thrust. The sound of the loud slap of our bodies meeting together was intoxicating.

  Luke had always been soft, gentle, and attentive. But this was the complete opposite. I had always enjoyed the connection before, the tender strokes and unspoken words as we stared into each other’s eyes. ‘I need this.’

  I understood his need. He was taking everything out on my body, his emotions, his anger, and every frustration. I didn’t fully understand why, but I willingly accepted that right now, he needed my body and I was going to cling on until he was done.

  As he continued the pace, I could feel my orgasm growing and building deep inside of me, but that wasn’t what this was about. This was about him, and I knew he was close. I closed my eyes and tried to imprint the feeling onto my body. This had been an offering from him. A sexual commitment.

  This is what I can give you. This is what I need.

  He started to tremble. He shouted out my name on his orgasm and cradled my body as he started to come down from the high.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Luke left on Wednesday to attend the funeral. I missed him immediately. The night before, I had held him as he opened the part of his conscience that he usually gripped so tightly. He cast his usual strong resolve aside and told me that he wasn’t looking forward to seeing his parents, particularly his dad. He admitted that they had a strained relationship, mainly because his dad had wanted him to study law and he’d never let this drop, even when Luke qualified as a social worker. I was surprised when he told me that they hadn’t seen each other in over six months.

  His head lay on my stomach as I smoothed my hands across his hair, the lack of eye contact encouraging him to talk. I laughed at the irony as this was a technique he had taught me in the early days of my career; car journeys and walks in the park where there was little opportunity for direct eye contact were often the times when you could get children to open up the most.

  On Friday evening after the funeral, Luke sent a photo to my phone. It was a picture he had taken of himself standing in front of the bathroom mirror of his hotel. He captioned it lonely. It was the perfect title for such a sad picture. His face was drawn and full of the pain and tension of the last few days. Studying the picture made me want to hold him, be there for him, and show him that I could help him, but only if he would let me in. It was a work in progress. I often felt like we were dancing two steps forward and taking three steps back.

  He returned home on Saturday afternoon. He sent a text message asking me to come over. I arrived outside his house before he did. I watched as he pulled his car onto the driveway and then wearily took his bags out of the boot. He offered me a sad smile before we kissed each other on his doorstep. He was quiet, different, his shoulders heavy. I didn’t push him to talk, but his hold was strong and firm, unable and unwilling to let me go.

  I sat on the arm of his sofa as he pulled me close to stand between his legs. I cradled his head in my hands, offering silent strength. I hoped one day that I would figure out Luke Simms and all of his moods, but today, at this moment, I was happy to just be present for him. His hands slid up and down the backs of my thighs, tracing imaginary patterns with his fingertips. The sexual energy appeared to charge him as he started to talk about the tension of the last few days. He looked tired as he explained that his dad didn’t speak to him for the first day but then became civil when family members and friends of his granddad started to arrive for the funeral. ‘Always keeping up appearances,’ he muttered flatly, his words lacking any real emotion.

  The more he spoke, the more I saw him visibly relax. The high shoulders started to drop as he rolled his head and exhaled into the mirror. ‘I’ve never felt so tired,’ he said, talking to himself as I ran a bath.

  ‘I told my parents about you,’ he said. ‘I showed them photos from my phone.’ I raised my eyebrows at this unexpected revelation and he laughed. ‘Dad said you look far too young for me. Mum didn’t agree. She thought you were very beautiful.’

  ‘Do you agree with your mum or your dad?’

  He stared ahead. His eyes didn’t move as he replied. ‘I never agree with my dad.’ The intensity of his hate radiated through his face.

  As he got out of the bath, he allowed me to dry his body at first. But his mood dropped as quickly as the second hand passed by on the clock. He pushed me away, telling me to wait for him downstairs while he got himself dressed. I watched as he slowly retreated into himself again, building up barriers, walls, and barbed wire fences to keep me away.

  Sighing, I entered the darkness of the kitchen and poured him a small glass of whiskey before retreating to the sofa. I sat and waited, my legs drawn up into my body and my arms wrapped around my waist unconsciously shielding myself from his change in mood. I asked if I should go home and leave him alone for a few days, but when he walked into the living room, he smiled and thanked me for the whiskey. ‘Come here,’ he said as he crawled on top of me, brushing the hair out of my eyes. ‘I’ve missed you so much.’

  ‘I could have been there with you. I could have tried to make things easier,’ I whispered as I snaked my hand around to the back of his neck.

  ‘Marry me,’ he said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Marry me,’ he repeated, his face serious and cautious, his brows furrowed as he silently questioned my reaction.

  ‘You’re being serious?’

  ‘Yes, I am. Don’t you want to marry me?’ It was my turn to throw a questioning look, but he still didn’t smile or give any indication that he was joking. I sat up and retreated into my protective position—legs tucked under me and arms wrapped around my body. He sat forward with his head in his hands and visibly flinched when I tried to rub my hand across his back.

  ‘Luke, you can’t be serious? We’ve only been together a couple of months,’ I said, still unable to read the expression on his face. Flashes of early conversations when he’d warned me away replayed in my mind.

  ‘What makes you think I’m looking for anything serious?’

  ‘You will. You’re young. You’ll want it
all eventually. I can’t give you that. I’m sorry.’

  He sighed and slowly sat back, crossing his arms at the back of his head as he turned towards me, a smile now replacing the frown. ‘Of course I’m joking!’ he laughed, but the smile that settled into place was tight and forced. ‘Your face was a picture!’

  There were times in my life when I wished that I could pause or rewind. There would be no space for lies or embellishment.

  Hang on a sec while I rewind that moment. I thought you asked me to marry you, but the twat-bollock smile you have across your face is telling me something different.

  ‘What was that?’ I asked quietly, hoping he hadn’t heard my pathetic whine.

  ‘Forget it. Let’s just pretend it never happened. I was being stupid. Messing, that’s all.’

  ‘I’m still trying to decide if you’re being serious or not?’ I was debating if I should play along or plot my escape plan.

  ‘Does it matter? You would’ve said no, so let’s just forget it.’

  ‘Of course I would’ve said no. What are you doing? What’s this about?’

  ‘Nothing. Just leave it,’ he said firmly as he pulled me back into him on the sofa.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Several weeks after his granddad’s funeral, Luke and I still hadn’t mentioned the whole marry me incident, nor had we gone any further into the issues between him and his dad. His moods were up and down. I never knew if my gentle and tender lover would open the door to me, or if it would be my hard and aloof acquaintance.

  We were spending less time together. Weekday dates slowly dropped off, and I mainly only saw him at the weekends. I spent Saturday nights at his house. He would either wrap me in his loving arms or lie with his back to mine so that we were on separate sides of the bed.

  One Sunday morning after spending the night, I noticed three packets of tablets on the shelf in the bathroom. Pulling my mobile phone from the back pocket of my jeans, I searched the internet.

  Escitalopram is an antidepressant for the treatment of adults and children over 12 years of age with major depressive disorder and generalised anxiety disorder.

  The tablets were dated two weeks ago. He hadn’t even mentioned that he was going to see his doctor, never mind that he had been prescribed antidepressants. I put the packet back on the shelf, making no effort to replicate how I had found them. Luke hadn’t tried to hide them from me as they were openly out on the shelf in his bathroom. He must have known I would find them at some point this weekend. Maybe that was his plan.

  ‘Elle, you OK in there?’ he asked through the door as he gently knocked three times. I slowly opened the door and watched as he stepped inside and leant against the doorframe. ‘You found them then?’ he asked, folding his arms defensively across his stomach. I slowly nodded and mirrored his defensive arm wrap. ‘I was going to tell you, but it’s not exactly dinner table conversation, is it?’ he laughed nervously.

  ‘It’s the type of thing you should tell your girlfriend. No! You should want to tell your girlfriend.’ I pushed my way past him and walked down the stairs. I couldn’t take any more. Surely relationships shouldn’t be this difficult? He followed me into the kitchen and sighed as he put his arms around my waist, standing behind me as I leant against the sink. We breathed together and stood in silence for what seemed like hours but was only a few minutes.

  ‘I broke down at work and my boss advised me to see my doctor.’ His voice was barely audible as he spoke into my collarbone. ‘I don’t need to explain why to you. You know seeing my dad has fucked with my head.’ I knew that, but it wasn’t a good enough excuse for me. I still felt cheated that he hadn’t told me. Luke Simms had demons inside his head, stirring his thoughts and moods like a tornado. I just didn’t know the full extent until now.

  ‘I’m glad you’ve gone and got help.’

  ‘Me too.’

  After rushing home from a Halloween party for the foster children, I was eager to get showered and head over to Luke’s. ‘Are you seeing Luke tonight?’ Mum was preparing dinner as I flew by and dropped my bag on the floor at her feet.

  ‘Yes. I’m having a quick shower, then I’m gone.’

  ‘You know, it would be good to see you once in a while. Sometimes I feel like you’re using this house as a hotel.’

  The look on her face told me she wasn’t going to let me get away with a few sharp sentences before I left to see Luke. I hadn’t been home much due to one thing or another. Work took up most of my week and weekends belonged to Luke, leaving very little time for anything else.

  ‘I miss you,’ she said with a tiny itch of a smile.

  ‘I miss you too. So much.’ The sting of guilt overtook me, forcing me to step forward and embrace her in a tight hug.

  ‘Sometimes mums still need cuddles from their children, even if they’re all grown up,’ she said as she stroked my hair, making me feel like I instantly wanted to tell her everything that was going wrong. I had so many questions I wanted to ask her, ‘Is this normal? Did you feel this way with Dad? Why does it feel such hard work?’

  But I held back knowing that she would tell me what I already knew. I could hear her in my head.

  Don’t pin all of your hopes on one relationship.

  Plenty more fish in the sea.

  Learn from your mistakes. It doesn’t make you a failure.

  Inside, I was screaming, ‘I have failed!’ I’d never failed at anything. I’d fought my way through school bullies and playground chants. I’d battled my way into university. I hid my insecurities in my job. I never gave up. And that’s where I was with Luke. I didn’t want to give up. I wanted to rescue him, cure him, love him until he realised I could provide what he needed, but that wasn’t my reality.

  Mum was the only person I couldn’t hide my true self from. She knew me better than she knew herself. But this was a journey that no one else needed to make sense of because it was our journey—mine and Luke’s—and I couldn’t hear it from her. Not today.

  ‘I promise tomorrow I’ll take you out for lunch so we can catch up.’ This small offering seemed to appease her.

  ‘Don’t shut me out. I may not see a lot of you, but I can tell when you’re unhappy. You don’t have to spend every weekend there. This is still your home.’

  ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you,’ I said as she kissed me on my cheek, crushing the tear I didn’t realise had fallen from the corner of my eye.

  After showering and changing, I jumped in my car and drove over to Luke’s house. He had texted me before I left to ask if I was on my way. I joked that he seemed desperate to see me. He replied with an urgent hurry up. I didn’t even knock on the front door when it flew open. He pulled me inside, immediately kissing me in fast and frantic bursts. His hands reflected his kisses. They were heavy and desperate, kneading my arse and breasts so hard I could imagine the tiny dots of fingertip bruises he would leave on my fair skin.

  ‘Where have you been?’ he growled, pushing me back towards the wall, continuing to squeeze my breasts and knock the air out of my lungs.

  He placed one hand under my knee, bringing my leg around his waist. ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked. ‘Why are you so desperate for me?’ I smiled on a moan as he pulled back and tried to regain control of his breathing. I tried to reassemble myself, awkwardly pulling my top down with my free hand.

  ‘Don’t,’ he pleaded as he swatted my hand away from fixing my top. His mouth met mine again and his arms reached round to follow the curve of my behind, forcing me to jump up and wrap my legs around his waist just to get the contact that I needed. I felt faint and dizzy with lust as he thrust his hips into me. In the background, I recognised a noise. I slowed the pace of my kisses to try and take in the familiar sounds. My lips stayed on his as I turned my head towards the living room door. It took me all of a shaky heartbeat to recognise the noise of two people in the throes of ecstasy, and from the desperate sounds that left both of their bodies, they were both having a bloody fantastic ti
me.

  He took my legs from around his waist and slowly set me down on the floor. His forehead fell to my shoulder in defeat and he started to quietly laugh. Pushing my hands towards his chest, he stepped aside to let me investigate the noises coming from the living room. The first thing I noticed was a stack of Blu-ray cases on the floor, but my attention was soon drawn to the loud moans and dirty talk coming from the TV. Porn. He had been watching porn. I stood with my hands on my hips unsure if I should laugh, cry, or join in. ‘I’ve been waiting all fucking day for you. I was horny as fuck.’

  I stood completely still as I watched the two figures on the screen pound each other. A blonde with the biggest breasts I had ever seen was dressed as what I assumed to be a sexy secretary, which would totally be his thing if the rumours were to be believed A guy was drilling into her from behind as she encouraged him to fuck her harder across her desk. I could feel Luke moving behind me as he roughly grabbed my breast with his hand. ‘I’ve been hard all afternoon. Let me take you to bed. Unless you want to watch?’

  Luke had greeted me at the door with a desperate need to touch me, kiss me and be inside me. I was flattered that I had brought out such a primal urge in him. I had been more than ready to give him what we both needed, but the realisation that he had been desperate to fuck after watching porn all afternoon made me feel uneasy, off kilter, weird and naïve.

  ‘Turn it off,’ I said, still unsure how to react. He walked over to the TV, took out the disc, and turned off the screen, his erection still prominent through his jeans as he placed the disc back in its case and stacked it lazily on top of others. ‘Is that your porn collection?’ I asked curiously.

  ‘Yes. Do you have a problem with that?’

  ‘No. No problem.’

  ‘Say it, Elle. Fuck me! What’s your problem now?’

  ‘I have a problem when you watch porn all afternoon and then proceed to jump on me the second I walk through the door. It’s just a bit much. This is too much. I can’t even…I don’t even…I…’