A Wolf to Set Him Free

by A J Jarrett

  “A tempting option but I don’t think it’d work.” Seth bent down to pick up Kamden. “That one is beyond stubborn. Well, we’ll get out of your hair. Enjoy your dinner.”

  They waved good-bye and the waitress came over to take their order. Once she left, Ethan caught Holden’s eye.

  “You know what I said about kids?” Holden nodded. “I don’t want one like that.” He pointed toward the door Ryan had just walked out. “He’s a terror.”

  “No kidding, but we were all like that at one time in our life.” Holden shrugged it off, completely unaware of how Ryan’s attitude affected Carson.

  Their dinner came out and they ate. Carson cheered up and his smile came back to his face, which made Ethan happy. He decided to talk to Holden about Carson and the way Ryan treats him. Maybe Holden could have a talk with Caleb and Seth and at least get Ryan to be polite to Carson.

  “Do I get to stay the night tonight?” Carson asked once they were back at Ethan’s car.

  “Not tonight, little man. I have to work tomorrow.”

  “Then can I come by the station?” Caron leaned forward between the two front seats. “I can help wash the truck again.”

  In the short time Ethan had known Holden, he had never thought to ask what he did for a living.

  “Station?” Ethan asked.

  “Yeah,” Carson said in a cheerful voice. “Uncle Holden is a firefighter.”

  Oh no. Ethan’s stomach recoiled and he thought he might be sick. A firefighter? That was a very dangerous job. How could Holden not have told him? This changed everything.

  “Ethan, you okay?” Holden reached over and touched his forearm.

  Ethan jerked away and turned to stare out the driver’s side window. “Yeah, dinner just isn’t sitting well.” He started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

  Holden kept shooting him questioning looks but Ethan ignored him.

  On the entire drive back to Nehalem, all Ethan could think about were fires and a roof collapsing on Holden or worse, Holden being trapped in a building and unable to get out. Being a firefighter was a selfless job. A job to be admired. But Ethan couldn’t handle the constant worry every time Holden walked out the door.

  Ethan drove Carson back home where they were greeted by Noah and Skyler. Holden then shared the news that Ethan was going to give him a chance and all Ethan could do was give a nervous smile. He knew after learning what Holden’s profession was that he wasn’t going to be able to keep his promise.

  “Goodnight, Uncle Ethan.” Carson wrapped his arms around Ethan’s waist and gave him a tight hug.

  “Night, Carson.” Ethan was barely able to get out with his voice cracking. He was going to miss being somebody’s uncle.

  Holden said his good-byes and followed Ethan back to the car. Once again Ethan didn’t say anything over the course of the ten minute drive from Carson’s house back to Holden’s. Ethan could feel the tension laid out between them. It was so thick he was finding it hard to breath. He pulled up in front of Holden’s house but didn’t turn off the car. If he went inside, Holden would find a way to get him to change his mind and he just couldn’t do it. To sit around and watch Holden roll the dice on whether or not he lived or died was something Ethan just couldn’t do. He knew just because Holden was a firefighter, it didn’t necessarily mean a death sentence, but it also didn’t guarantee Holden would come home unharmed every time he left work.

  “You’re not coming in?” Holden had his hand on the door handle, pushing it open. “I thought you were going to stay the night.”

  “I need to get home,” Ethan said without looking up at Holden.

  “Okay.” Holden slammed the door so hard it rocked the car from side to side. “You’ve been acting weird ever since we left the restaurant. What happened?”

  Ethan shook his head and turned away. He could feel the pressure of his tears building up behind his eyes and didn’t want to cry in front of Holden. He had to be strong. “Nothing,” he whispered.

  “Bullshit!” Holden snapped. “Remember the whole conversation we had about talking to one another about things. This would be a good time to talk to me.” Holden reached out and grabbed Ethan’s chin, turning him to face him.

  Ethan jerked out of Holden’s grip and glared at him. Anger filled his chest, replacing the sadness he had originally felt. Holden should have told him immediately after learning of Ethan’s fear of losing the people he loved.

  “Why didn’t you tell me what you did for a living?”

  “You didn’t ask me.”

  “You’re trying to tell me that you didn’t think mentioning that you are a firefighter would be an important piece of information to bring up?” Ethan asked, his voice steadily rising.

  “What are you saying?” Holden leaned closer to Ethan. “If you knew I was a firefighter you wouldn’t have agreed to be with me?” Ethan didn’t say anything and Holden said, “Answer me!”

  “No!” Ethan shouted, his chest rising and falling as he took one deep breath after another. “After everything I told you today, how could you expect me to be okay with you being a firefighter? You risk your life every day you go to work.”

  “I can’t believe this.” Holden snorted. “I swear Ethan, here I think we are taking a step forward and you take two steps back.” He shook his head. “Unfuckingbelievable.”

  A long stretch of silence drew out between them and Ethan was sick of fighting. He didn’t feel like arguing with Holden anymore. He just wanted to get back to Jensen and Josh’s place and crawl under the covers.

  “I think I should go,” Ethan said softly.

  “That’s it? You’re just going to run away from this without talking it out?”

  “There’s nothing to say.” Ethan looked over at Holden. His handsome face was pinched in anger, small lines creased around his mouth from frowning.

  “What do you want me to say? That I’d give up my job for you?” Holden asked.

  “Would you?” Ethan shouted. “Knowing that I have this fear of opening up my heart just to watch the people I love die. Would you give up your job for me?” Holden’s face was like a sheet of stone. He showed no sign of emotion and Ethan had his answer. “That’s what I thought. Goodnight, Holden.”

  “I can’t believe this.” Holden got out of the car and slammed the door.

  Ethan pulled out, not bothering to watch to make sure Holden got into his house all right. His mind was racing and his heart was breaking. For a few hours he thought he and Holden had a future together, but now those dreams had been dashed.

  Chapter Twelve

  For the past three days, Ethan had avoided every call and text Holden sent him. After day two, they stopped all together. Ethan still caught himself checking his phone. It was harder than he expected to stay away from Holden. He told himself that he was better off being by himself because then he didn’t have to be a burden on another person. His fears were probably conceived as pointless to some, but for Ethan, they consumed him. The thought of having to put Holden in the cold, hard ground had him waking up at night in cold sweats.

  “So are you just going to sit around and mope every day or what?” Josh flopped down in the chair beside him.

  It was early afternoon on Sunday and Ethan had been sitting outside since after breakfast. He dodged Jensen every time he wanted to talk about what had happened. Ethan didn’t feel like rehashing it. He was the selfish party, but he couldn’t change the way he felt.

  “Not now, Josh.”

  “Oh come on.” Josh flicked him on the arm. “You won’t talk to Holden, you won’t talk to Jensen. I’m not as easily as deterred as they are. So talk to me, bro.”

  “Josh, just go away, please.” Ethan could feel the beginnings of a headache throbbing at his temples.

  “Nope, not going to happen.” Josh put his arms behind his head and lounged further in his chair. “So you might as well tell me what’s going on. You know how persistent I can be.”

  Ethan scowled over
at his friend. Yes, he loved Josh like a brother and right now he wanted to beat the shit out of him, but he also knew the man wouldn’t go away unless he said something.

  “Holden and I broke up. There, you happy now?” Ethan crossed his arms over his chest, tucking his hands under his armpits. Just saying those words had tears filling his eyes.

  “Why? I thought you two had worked shit out.”

  “I thought we did.” Ethan swiped a hand under his eye. “But there is something about his life that I can’t deal with.”

  “Like what?”

  “His job.” Ethan felt like the scum of the earth admitting that.

  “Oh.” Josh smiled. “So because he’s a firefighter you are giving up on him. Sparing yourself the heartache if something were to happen to Holden.” Josh sat up. “Dude, I totally get it. You’re way better off. Good call.” Josh patted him on the back.

  Ethan slowly turned to face Josh. Had he heard him correctly? Josh agreed with him. That never happened. Ethan narrowed his eyes at Josh.

  “What?” Josh asked innocently.

  “You agree with me. Why now?”

  “Man, after everything you went through with Jay, I completely understand where you’re coming from. Holden’s job offers no guarantees that he will come home after every shift. You’re better off sparing yourself that stress and worry.” Ethan nodded along with Josh. The man understood where he was coming from. “But, there is one little thing you are forgetting here.”

  Ethan cocked his head to the side and waited for Josh to finish his thought. “What’s that?”

  “You’re in love with Holden just like you were with Jay. And I know you wouldn’t have changed a thing if it meant never meeting Jay. So that leads me to this, just because you aren’t with Holden it doesn’t mean it will hurt any less if something were to happen to him. You two could spend your whole lives together without anything ever happening to him, and who’s to say something won’t happen to you? Walking out the goddamn door is a gamble these days. You could be struck by lightning or get hit by a car, die in a plane crash. Try to put yourself in Holden’s shoes. He probably has the same fears and concerns you do, but he’s willing to look past that to be with you. Shit, Ethan.” Josh ran a hand through his hair. “I worry about Jensen every day he steps out the door because that’s just human nature. But even so, I wouldn’t change a thing. I want to be with that man every day for the rest of my life no matter how things might end up. He’s my life and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.”

  For the first time since meeting Josh, Ethan realized the man finally said something meaningful. It made the feeling of despair and loneliness just that much greater.

  The emotions warring inside his head and heart couldn’t find any common ground. To accept Holden’s choice of career was only one hurdle to overcome. What Josh just voiced about the dangers that surround people every day was a struggle in of itself.

  Ethan knew he was being a selfish prick, but his heart had already suffered so much. Becoming a monk on a faraway island had started to sound like a real possibility he needed to explore.

  The few days he spent without Holden had been beyond dreadful. He woke each morning reaching out for Holden only to find empty space. Life seemed to lack luster and no joy could be found in any part of his body. He was all alone by his own making.

  And now Josh had to go and make complete fucking sense with his words when in the few years he’d known the man he hadn’t said shit of anything of meaning or value. Ethan wanted to laugh out loud until he cried at how eloquently Josh laid it all out on the line for him. Just because he chose not to be with Holden didn’t mean losing him would be any less painful. It would probably be worse.

  The walls of protection he built around his heart started to crumble to dust. Holden had a greater hold on him than he had thought. Ethan wanted to be strong and not need anyone but it wasn’t possible. He needed Holden like he needed air. And what was worse was that he didn’t know if Holden would even take him back if he asked him. Ethan hadn’t given Holden a choice when he drove off that night, he hadn’t even given him the chance to discuss the matter.

  Holden was a firefighter. It was a good and respectable job that Holden should be proud of. And Ethan should be a good partner and feel the same pride in his lover for sacrificing himself to help others. But Ethan couldn’t help being selfish. He didn’t care about everyone else. He only cared for Holden and that made him twice as selfish.

  Holden would never intentionally leave you, the voice inside his head spoke up.

  After Jay’s death his mother quoted from a poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson, “it’s far better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all,” to try and make him feel better. She’d say to live a life without love wasn’t really living. If she knew what he’d done she’d smack him upside the head for acting this way toward Holden. Holden was his second chance and he couldn’t just let it slip away into the ether.

  Tears fell freely from Ethan’s eyes. “So what do I do?” Ethan asked Josh, hoping the man could help him.

  “Fuck, I don’t know.” Josh stood up. “Maybe going and begging for forgiveness might be a start. Guys love that shit.”

  Ethan stayed sitting as Josh walked away. He never would have thought Josh would have not only given advice that made sense, but that he was also right. Even if he weren’t with Holden, he’d still be affected if something were to happen to him. So what was the point of suffering without at least having some of the happiness that went along with being in love?

  It wouldn’t be easy, but Ethan had to try. Because going on like he had been wasn’t working. He thought about Holden every minute of every day. How could he ever think he could be separated from him?

  “Jensen!” Ethan called out as he jumped up from his chair.

  “Yeah.” Jensen stepped out of his office as Ethan came running through the house.

  “Can I borrow your car?”

  “Of course.” A knowing smile curved his upper lip and he tossed Ethan the keys. “The fire station is on Parker Street,” Jensen said as Ethan rushed out the front door.

  Fifteen minutes later, he found himself sitting in the parking lot of the fire house. Sweat broke out on the sides of his head and he tapped his fingers on the steering wheel.

  “I can do this. I can do this,” Ethan whispered over and over to himself.

  Finally, after five more minutes of trying to collect his nerves, Ethan got out of the car. He walked slowly up the sidewalk that led to the front door, but it was locked. He stepped around to the side of the building to see that the bay doors were opening. The sounds of talking and laugher could be heard from where Ethan stood.

  “Hello!” he called out as he walked further into the garage. The bright red fire engines shined in the overhead lighting. A glossy cherry red. There had been a time when Ethan was a small child that he had wanted to be a firemen. He assumed every child went through that phase.

  “Can I help you?” An older man with graying hair stepped out of an open office door.

  “Hi, I’m Ethan and I’m looking for Holden Anders. Is he available to speak with?”

  “Hello there. I’m Captain Hardin.” The man held out his hand. “And yes, he’s available.” The man walked over to the stairs and shouted. “Holden, you got a visitor down here.” He turned back to Ethan. “He’ll be down in a minute.”

  “I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” Ethan suddenly thought he should have waited to speak to Holden. He didn’t want the man to get into trouble over this.

  “Nah, it’s been quiet the last few days. Those knuckleheads aren’t doing anything but sitting on their asses playing those damn video games.” Captain Hardin made a sound of disgust and shook his head. “If I hadn’t already had them clean the station from top to bottom, I’d make them do it again.” Hardin chuckled. “But I’m not a total hard ass.”

  “You called for me, Captain?” Holden came around the corner and stopped in his tra
cks. “Ethan.”

  “Well, I’ll get out of your hair.” Hardin shook Ethan’s hand one more time. “It was nice meeting you, Ethan.”

  “Likewise.” Ethan waited until the other man had left before turning his attention to Holden. “Hey.”

  “Hey.” Holden shoved his hands into his pockets. “What are you doing here?”

  Ethan gnawed on the corner of his bottom lip. Everything he had wanted to say escaped his brain as he stood in front of Holden. Ethan’s pulsed raced. Holden’s lips were pressed tightly together and Ethan couldn’t blame him for being angry.

  “I came to talk to you.” Ethan’s eyes traveled down Holden’s body. He couldn’t help it. Holden wore dark navy slacks with a navy T-shirt with the fire station’s insignia and house number. The shirt fit snug and clung to Holden’s muscular chest. Holden’s nipples were hard and pressed out against the shirt.

  Ethan felt his cock shift in his jeans and he reached down to adjust himself. This was not the time to get a hard-on.

  “Really.” Holden crossed his arms over his chest and rocked back on his heels. “About what?”

  Holden’s tone sounded a little hostile and Ethan grew more nervous. Maybe he’d blown it and Holden didn’t want to be with him anymore.

  “Maybe this was a bad idea.” Ethan started to walk past Holden. “Sorry to have bothered you.”

  “There you go again.” Holden grabbed Ethan’s wrist as he moved past him. “Always so easy to tuck tail and run away.”

  “Well you don’t seem overly happy to see me,” Ethan snapped.

  “Why should I be? Huh? Every chance you get, you break my heart, so please explain to me why I should be happy to see you?”

  “Because I love you!” Ethan shouted. He looked toward Hardin’s office to see if the man had heard them fighting but the man didn’t step out to look at them.

  “You sure do have a funny way of showing your love, Ethan.” Holden smirked. He leaned back to rest against the wall behind him. “I’m starting to wonder if you know what love is at all.”