A Little Bit of Trouble

by A. E. Murphy

  A doctor follows me in and says something, I don’t hear him. All I hear is my heart hammering in my chest and the gentle beep from the machine as hers beats. She doesn’t look right.

  “Lucas, Lucas?” Marie says and clicks her fingers in front of my face. “Sylvia has just picked up Amelia. James and Maya are outside now dealing with the doctor.” How long have I been stood here? “About half an hour, just staring at her. You said that out loud.” She pulls a chair over and motions for me to sit. “You look ready to throw up… or collapse or something.”

  “What… what happened?” All I know is… Loryn’s in hospital, you need to come now.

  “Loryn didn’t come home from the studio.” Her eyes fill with tears. “I thought she was with Greg or something…”

  “What happened?”

  “I don’t know.” She shakes her head in disbelief. “She just collapsed. Her mom called an ambulance, god knows where that bitch has gone. Pathetic excuse of a woman. I tried to wake Loryn up but she just kept shaking.”

  “So why is she here? I don’t get it? Has she been attacked? Has she fallen?” I need fucking answers!

  “She’s… she made me promise not to say anything yet,” her voice is barely above a whisper.

  “Say anything about what?” I grip her shoulders and shake her a little. “Just fucking tell me.”

  “She’s pregnant Lucas,” Maya sighs from the doorway. My entire body tenses, pregnant? That can’t be right.

  This doesn’t seem real, this can’t be real. It’s not happening.

  “Is she okay?” I ask the doctor who must have walked into the room at some point during our conversation.

  The older man remains calm and turns away from Loryn’s vitals, “For now she’s stable but… we’ll just have to wait and see. The baby is fine, its heart is beating although I’m a little concerned about its position.”

  “Wait, when did this fucking happen? What’s going on, why is she like this?” I practically shout. Why won’t anyone just give me a straight answer?

  “It happened about an hour ago,” Marie says softly and places her hand on my arm. I shrug her off and start pacing. “I called you as soon as I could.”

  “We’re taking her in for another scan. I think the pregnancy may be ectopic,” the doctor says and runs his finger over the clipboard resting on his arm. “We just have to wait to see if the medication kicks in. Right now her vitals are fine, she has no infections or such. Her body has gone into shock, we’ll know more soon.”

  I shut out their conversation and look at my wife. Her arms are dangling down, her hair and hands resting on the roof of the car. She gasps, she’s still breathing.

  “Baby?” I say softly and touch her cheek. I wish I hadn’t as she starts spluttering and a flow of blood spills from her lips, over her nose and eyes. No… NO! My heart stops. “Please baby. No. Don’t… don’t leave me.”

  There’s a high pitched wailing sound, my little Amelia, I’d know that cry anywhere. She’s hurt. I have to get to her.

  “Sir, don’t move,” someone says and I feel a hand touch my arm. “Please sir.” But I do move and I do look as ambulances sound in the distance I watch in horror at the scene unfolding before my eyes.

  The beeps suddenly start blaring like an alarm system attached to Loryn’s body. Marie gasps and pulls me back as doctors and nurses rush into the room. They start talking, shouting over each other, it’s all nonsense to my ears. I’m dragged out of the room by my brother. I don’t put up a fight as they take Loryn and wheel her away. There’s no fight left in me.

  “What’s happening?” Maya practically shrieks at one of them. Tears soak her face.

  “I don’t know, but the sooner you let me go the sooner I can find out.” The doctor pulls himself free of her grasp and races down the hall after Loryn. Maya starts sobbing against Marie who looks as numb as I feel.

  Summer runs into the hall where we stand, her hair in curlers and wrapped in foil. Chris follows behind her. James releases me to handle his wife, Marie throws herself at me and buries her face in my chest. I don’t hug her, I can’t hug her. Stepping away, I turn on my heel and run, I need to get out of here. The smell, the taste, the feel of death on my skin. I need air. No, I don’t need air. I need Crystal.

  “LUCAS!” James calls but I don’t look back.

  My fist hits the steering wheel as I speed down the quiet streets of the city. Two, three, four more times and my eyes begin to burn. Why is this happening again?

  I don’t park my car, I leave it in the middle of the small parking zone, throw the door open and vomit all over the gravel. My throat burns with each heave, my chest aches with each gag. I don’t stop, I slam my door closed, kick my car a few times but it does little to relieve the images in my mind. Sick, twisted images that one should never have to see.

  My legs propel me forward, I know where they are even though I’ve only been once and that was the day of the burial.

  I see them, the two graves side by side, one large shaped like a heart and a smaller one beside it.

  I drop to my knees in front of my wife. “Why is this happening?” I croak and rip my hair with my hands. “Why? Why are you gone dammit?” That burning behind my eyes comes forward until my vision is blurred by unfamiliar liquid. “It should’ve been me.” I whisper and a sob tears through me. “It should have been me. Why you? Why?” A tear falls down my cheek, tickling the shadow of my beard as it goes. “Do something. If this, if it’s supposed to be my second chance then I’m begging you Crystal. Wherever the fuck you are, do something. Don’t… don’t let her die.” My chest heaves, I slump forward and slam my hands onto the ground. “I can’t… I won’t survive this again. I need you baby. Why did you leave me?” My entire body shakes as more tears fall, I wipe them away angrily. “Why couldn’t you have stayed? Then I wouldn’t be in this mess!” I’m shouting, I don’t care. My heart hurts, can you die from this pain? It feels like it. Part of me wishes for it. “I wouldn’t be feeling this, if you were still here I’d still love you not… Loryn. I wouldn’t be in love with Loryn and then I wouldn’t know her when this happens. I’d be blissfully fucking unaware and probably watching your shitty TV programs in return for a god damn blowjob!” Sob. “Why didn’t you let me drive? Why did you have to take those stupid pictures by the lake? Who cares about the fucking memories or the romance? I don’t… it wasn’t worth losing you. Or Annie.” My forehead hits the grass. “Why baby? Why’d you die? I begged you to stay.” After a few calming breaths I sit up and I stop the tears. “You have to help Loryn. For me. Don’t let her die… I… I love her. And I’m an idiot, and she’ll probably never forgive me. Just do this, for me. Do something.”

  A realization hits me, my own words sink in. Mainly because I mean them and here I am, admitting it to the one person whose memory stopped me from recognizing the difference between love and lust in the first place. I love Loryn… no, let me correct that. I’m in love with Loryn and I think I have been for a while. And I’m going to lose her, without getting a chance to tell her.

  “Lucas.” The wind seems to whisper. I turn abruptly and rub my eyes. There’s no one here. I’m going crazy. Something touches my hair, I’m definitely going crazy.

  It’s just the breeze, I’m emotional and scared and feeling fucking helpless. My mind is playing tricks on me. I don’t stop myself from touching my hair where it tingles, as if somebodies fingertips are teasing the ends, praying I’ll find my wife’s hand there. Praying I’ll feel her soft lips on mine just one last time. Praying I’ll look up and see my daughter, in her favorite blue dress with her little black sandals on her tiny feet, twirling in circles to make the bottom float out.

  None of this happens, I’m alone and I’ll always be alone. I always have been fucking alone. But this time, it’s because of my own doing.

  I sit and stare at the grave until the sun rises. I lean back and let the soft orange glow warm my cold, damp skin. My eyes catch sight of… no fucking w
ay. She looks over at me from her fifty or so foot away, smiles softly at me, lays the colorful flowers on the grave, kisses her fingers and presses it to the stone before walking back the way she came. Oh shit.

  My phone rings twenty eight times over the next half an hour. I don’t answer. I’m being a coward, I’m too scared to hear that Loryn is gone. Christ I’ve been such a fucking idiot.

  “Now not one person believed me when I said you’d be here,” James says softly from behind me. “She’s going to be okay Lucas.”

  “How do you know?”

  He slaps me on the back and helps me up, “Because you’ve got two people up there looking out for you.” He touches Annie’s stone tenderly. “So this is where my niece is buried.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Come on, you need to go back.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You need to Lucas. She needs you and you clearly need her.”

  “Stop being such a sap. This isn’t a fucking love story,” I don’t mean to take my anger out on him but I do. It doesn’t faze him, he just shrugs and dangles my keys in front of my face. Shit, must have left them in the ignition.

  “Well, seeing as I have the keys, you’ve got to follow me.”

  “I said no!” I practically bellow and rub my eyes. “I can’t go there James. It’s not fucking happening.”

  He frowns, “Why the hell not? You’re being stupid.”

  “I can’t watch her die!”

  “You’re not going to watch her die!”

  I laugh once and shove him, “And you can promise that? You can guarantee her survival?” he opens his mouth but closes it again. “I didn’t think so. Just back off.”

  “She needs you Lucas. When she wakes up…”

  “If…”

  “WHEN she wakes up and she will fucking wake up, do you really think she’s going to forgive you if you’re not there?” he shoves me back. “You’re fucking this up for yourself and Amelia. That girl in hospital right now, fighting for her damn life loves you. She loves you, you have a family who aren’t letting you do this alone who LOVE you! Get your head out of your ass and go back to the hospital.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I watched my wife die… I watched her take her last fucking breath as they tried to cut us from the fucking car and I can’t… I can’t do that again,” we stand and stare at each other for a moment longer. I snatch the keys from his hand.

  “I thought you didn’t remember.”

  “I didn’t, until two hours ago when I listened to Loryn’s failing heart,” I mumble and head back to my car. “I can’t go back there James and you can’t make me.”

  He sighs and follows behind me, “You’re going to regret this.”

  “It’ll only add to the list of all the other fucking things I regret,” I laugh once. “That list is already longer than my god damn arm. What’s one more thing going to hurt?”

  He doesn’t respond, he watches me climb into my car and drive away. Where I’m driving? I have no idea. But I need to do something.

  “I don’t love you. I just love the idea of you.”

  She was mad and hurting, she didn’t mean it. I won’t let that be one of the last things she said to me.

  “I love you Lucas,”

  She said this in her sleep and I ignored it like the asshole I am. Such an idiot… I felt guilty, how could I forget? I felt fucking guilty when she said this, I remember thinking how easy it would be to just slip those words right off my tongue. Easy because part of me knew I meant them.

  “Hi honey, we’re home.”

  She was right, she was home. She was always home and she was my fucking home.

  I am such an idiot.

  If she doesn’t wake up and I’m not there… will I regret it? Will it eat me alive every day for the rest of my life? What about if she does survive… will she regret me? Will she still want me?

  There’s only one way to find out.

  I make a U-turn and drive back the way I came. Praying that the person who completes me and my family will still be alive in ten years’ time. I pray she’ll still be alive in ten hours’ time. And the fact that she’s pregnant… shit. I have a whole lot of shit to make up for.

  CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN

  Anything You Want. Just Name it.

  “Lucas,” James looks relieved as I walk down the hall. “The others are in there.” He watches me warily. “Greg is here too.” I really could give a shit about that shit stain right now. “I was just about to come outside and call you.”

  It’s eight in the morning, I switched my phone off when I left the Cemetery so his call would have been useless. “Where is she?”

  “She’s uh… she’s out of surgery.” Surgery? I really don’t like that look on his face. “The damage is extensive but they’ve got it under control.” Pause. “Lucas?” his tone is wary.

  “Hit me with it.”

  “They had to remove one of her ovaries, it was too damaged,” his voice is quiet as if he doesn’t want anyone to overhear. “Her chance of survival is a lot better than before. Her temperature is back to almost normal and her body is slowly coming out of shock.”

  “You’re not making sense.”

  “The doctor was right, it was an ectopic pregnancy. Her fallopian tube ruptured causing internal bleeding. They’ve had to remove it, and her ovary. Her chances of future conception have been cut in half.”

  She’s going to be heart broken. “I need to see her.”

  “You can’t, she’s not back yet.”

  “Where the fuck is she?” I ignore the nurses gasping and clucking at my language. I could give a shit right now. “Where is she?”

  “She’s in recovery. Let them do their jobs, they need to double check her for any more complications.”

  “Christ,” Shit. “And the baby?”

  “Do you know what ectopic pregnancy means? She lost the baby Lucas. There is no baby. It grew in her fallopian tube.” Although his words seem harsh he just looks sad. For me? For Loryn? For the unborn… baby? Who knows? Right now I don’t need to know so I don’t ask.

  My heart plummets, my eyes burn at the thought of every single ounce of pain Loryn will feel emotionally and physically because of this. I remain strong, I need to. I don’t have any right to be sad about this, Loryn needs me to be strong right now. Part of me still hasn’t come to terms with the fact she lied to me, she didn’t tell me she was pregnant and now suddenly that’s been ripped away. I barely even get to entertain the idea of having another child. How do I deal with that?

  At the cemetery I thought I’d have time to come to grips with it, the feeling wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be if I ended up getting her pregnant. But the shock was enough to numb my emotions for a while. My thoughts are entirely fucked up right now, I’m unsure how to think, how to feel, and even what to say.

  “Right.” And that’s my response to my brother’s announcement. What a fucking douche am I?

  It’s another hour before Loryn is brought back to her room. Everyone pays a short visit before leaving me alone with her. I’m not moving from this bedside and my hand isn’t leaving hers. I’m not leaving her.

  “I brought you a coffee,” Maya says and takes the seat beside me. I sip the hot drink and thank her. “Are you okay?”

  I shake my head, “I’ve done nothing but fuck this up.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Thanks.”

  She raises her hands in surrender, “I’m not gonna lie. You have been a complete tit throughout your relationship. You’ve been lovely and sweet and then as mean as a grumpy old man with a thorn up his ass.” I open my mouth but she interrupts. “But…” Always a, ‘but.’ “Now you’ve finally removed that thorn you’re going to have the rest of your lives to make it up to her. Properly.” I notice how she just said lives rather than life. This helps ease my worries just a little bit where Loryn’s health is concerned.

  “Why does it
always take something huge and fucked up to make someone realize what it is they’re losing?”

  Maya shrugs, “Nobody blames you for holding back. We get it, we understand. Loryn understood, you just never listened for long enough to hear her telling you.”

  “Yeah, I know she did… does. She doesn’t have to anymore. I’m not leaving her again.”

  “Then you make sure you tell her that. She may not be able to talk back but she might be able to hear you.”

  “Thanks Maya,” I kiss her hand and hug her tight. “For everything.”

  “We’re right out here if you need us. I’m gonna go sort out Evelyn soon but James and Marie are staying. There will always be somebody here for you Lucas. Don’t ever think you’re alone,” what is it with these people and being able to read my mind so well? “You have a family now. Remember that.”

  She leaves me alone, I grip Loryn’s hand tighter and wipe my eyes. I may be a crier right now but I’m not crying in front of anyone. “I’m so sorry.”

  .I hate it, I hate the fact she won’t open her eyes and I’m scared that even though she’s out of the red area… she might not recover emotionally from this huge blow

  Amelia understands why I’m here to a certain extent and wants to see Loryn but I’m worried the sight of her will be too much for Amelia’s innocent little mind to handle. It’s almost too much for me to handle.