A Little Bit of Trouble

by A. E. Murphy

  It feels like days have passed but in reality it’s only been a few hours. I’ve spent this time talking to Loryn, the Vampire Diaries TV series came on, and I actually described it to her sleeping form hoping she’d wake up. Marie joined in my commentary and has actually had me laughing a few times which is definitely an accomplishment.

  Why didn’t I listen to them? Why did I have to be so fucking stubborn?

  Loryn is moved to a great private room that is currently covered in fresh flowers and gifts. The doctor smiles at her overcrowded room when he enters and ushers us out so he can check on his patient.

  Another lifetime passes as we wait for the all clear.

  “You can all come back through now, please push this button as soon as she wakes,” he motions to the orange button on the wall.

  “I’m so excited,” Marie grins and rubs her hands together. “She’s going to be okay.”

  “No she’s not,” sighing a little I sit on the side of the bed and take her hand in mine. “Not when she finds out what she’s lost.”

  Loryn loves kids, she loves them so damn much and I know she’s eager to have her own. This will destroy her, and when it destroys her I have no doubt that will destroy me. Of course her chances are only halved but that’s still a big half and it doesn’t help the fact that the child… the fetus I impregnated her with almost fucking killed her and didn’t grow right. I feel like shit. This is my fault and she will probably see it that way too.

  It’s only half an hour later when her eyelids start fluttering and her hands twitch. She winces in pain so I take the liberty of pressing the button so a little more morphine will release into her system.

  My hand strokes her forehead, I kiss her cheek, her nose her lips. “Hi,” her voice is raspy. I move back an inch so I can stare into her still focusing eyes.

  I smile, my heart soars I feel instantly relieved, “Hey baby.”

  She smiles back and opens her mouth in disgust, “Water.”

  “Of course dear,” the nurse practically throws me out of the way and holds a cup of water with a straw in it to Loryn’s lips. She drinks it eagerly. “How are you feeling? Is there a lot of pain?”

  “A little, in my stomach.”

  “I’ll go and call for the doctor,” she waddles out of the room and the others instantly rush to Loryn’s side. I watch a beautiful smile stretch across her face at the sight of us all, fuck I’ve missed that.

  “What happened?” the question we’ve all been dreading and drew straws for. I lost, but I can’t do it. My throat turns dry and words don’t come as I stare into her wide and frightened brown eyes.

  All the while I keep my hand in hers thankful that she doesn’t push me away.

  “Lucas?” she murmurs and yawns. I lean closer and press my lips to her hand.

  Loryn coughs and tries to sit up a little. “What day is it?”

  “It’s Wednesday. You’ve been out about eight hours.” James answers and bites into a banana. He’s eating? In here? At this time? “Don’t look at me like that. Stuff like this makes me nervous.”

  “And when he’s nervous he eats,” Marie chuckles and pinches his cheek.

  Everyone steps outside when the doctor comes in, everyone but me. I remain by Loryn’s side, there’s no way in hell I’m going to let her go through this alone.

  As if suddenly realizing exactly why she’s here Loryn glances at me nervously before blurting, “The baby?” With tense shoulders I lean forward and press my forehead against her shoulder. “Lucas? What’s happened?”

  The doctor looks at me, expecting me to tell her. How can I tell her? He sighs and nods for me to just say it, his eyes shimmer with empathy for my situation. “Loryn,” gulp. My breath hitches a little as I raise my face to meet hers. She shakes her head and a tear spills down her cheek. She mouths the word ‘no’ and her face crumples in pain. “I’m sorry baby.”

  My heart breaks for her when the doctor tells her the damage done. He saves the ovary part until last and it’s not good. Her face falls, her body shakes and she sobs. She doesn’t just sob she screams and pushes me away with what little strength she has. The doctor tries to calm her but it doesn’t happen. She shuts down and her sobs turn to sniffles and soft whimpers.

  “Loryn,” I murmur and place my hand over hers. She pulls it away and looks everywhere but at me. “We’ll get through this.”

  “We?” she throws me a look that says if she wasn’t too weak to move she’d be on top of me right now and scratching my eyes out. “We? Since when are we suddenly a we?”

  I don’t respond, I’m unsure on how to respond if I’m honest. “I’m sorry.” That sucks, it’s weak, it’s feeble but it’s the truth. “I am so damn sorry Loryn.”

  “Oh don’t pretend to care!” she shouts as the doctor backs out of the room. “You made it very clear where you stood with this.”

  “No,” I try to find my words, I try to deny it but then I’d be lying. “I said I wanted to prevent having children. Not that I’d hate it if you did…”

  “Well you must be relieved,” her voice comes out like a hiss, I’ve never seen such anger in her eyes before. Such hate. It slices through me. “You got what you want without even having to lift a finger.”

  Ouch. “That’s not fair.”

  “No,” she laughs once and growls a little. “This isn’t fair.”

  “Loryn.”

  “You’re not fair.”

  “Loryn please…”

  “Look at me! You’ve done this!”

  “Baby, don’t say that.”

  “Don’t say what? That this is your fault?”

  She pushes my hand away when I reach for her.

  “If I hadn’t have… if you’d… I was…” she starts sobbing again, my arms open ready to accept her but she shoves me away and hard. “DON’T touch me! I don’t want you to touch me!”

  “I’m so sorry Loryn.”

  “For what? Is that why you’re here now? You know I won’t be able to procreate? What better than a woman who can’t conceive for you to play with?”

  I wince, I deserve that. “Loryn. Look at me.”

  “Would you be here if I was still pregnant?”

  “For fuck sake Loryn let me…”

  She throws the TV remote at me, I duck and it clatters against the wall behind my head, “Fuck you! You didn’t want the baby.” She throws the plastic cup at me, it hits me on the shoulder, and this time I don’t move out of the way.

  “You never gave me a chance to…”

  “We both know if I told you, you’d have marched me down here for a different reason.”

  My mouth drops open, “That… that’s what you think?” Shit. She really thinks I’m that much of a monster? That I’d force her to terminate the…

  “Just go away Lucas. I don’t want you here.”

  “Look at me.”

  “Just go away.”

  Stubborn woman, “Please baby. Look at me. I need to talk to you.”

  “You need to talk to me? Right now?” she rolls her eyes and shakes her head in disgust. “You’re playing these games here? Of all places.”

  “I’m here because…”

  “Don’t say it. Don’t give me your stupid excuses or lies another second. Right now I want to be sad, I want to mourn and I want to fucking ignore you. Leave me alone.”

  “Babe.”

  We stare at each other for a few moments. Her chest heaves, her eyes pool with unshed tears. They sparkle with hatred and accusations and blame. She needs time.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You’ve said.”

  “I’ll just be outside okay?” I place my lips against her forehead, she pushes my face away with a trembling hand. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “You’re wasting your time.”

  “No I’m not.” Not a minute spent with Loryn during the good or bad is a waste, nor will it ever be. I hastily send Maya and Marie in so I can sulk and lick my wounds. Rejection sucks but I
deserve it and if she needs someone to be angry at then I want that person to be me. Anger is still an emotion.

  Six hours later I’m still sat in the family lounge and she still doesn’t want to see me. It sucks. I want to force her hand, force my way in there and sit by her side until she relents but the last thing she needs right now is extra stress.

  “She’ll come around,” Marie says as she hugs me goodbye. She has to go feed the cat. “I’ll be back in the morning. Maybe you should go home have a shave and a shower and come back tomorrow.” Her eyes glance at the room. “She’ll come around.”

  “Yeah,” it sounds like a good idea. “I might as well.” Give her some time to cool off.

  A warm hand grips my wrist before I take another step. “It’s not your fault Lucas.”

  “Really?” my eyes close briefly, to put a stop to whatever it is burning a path to my lashes. “It feels like it.”

  I step into Loryn’s room, only to find her asleep. She looks so peaceful and beautiful. There’s no way I can resist such a temptation, so I lean forward and press my lips to hers. She sighs softly in her sleep. My lips kiss every inch of her face before leaving her be. I write her a quick note telling her I’ll be back in the morning and place it in her hand before heading home.

  I shave, I shower I get changed, I even eat but my mind isn’t on it. She’s right, I’m an idiot. I’ve played with her from the beginning, I kept telling myself to end it but I wouldn’t even though I was convinced I would never love her.

  Lucas the asshole Grant should be my new fucking name.

  She’s right though, she has no reason to think anything I say is anything other than a moronic trick to keep her by my side. I’ll just have to prove it, she deserves more than words. Actions, she deserves and needs actions and proof. I’ll just have to prove it to her and pray that she’ll forgive me. If this week has taught me anything it’s that a life without Loryn is a life without color. I need my splash of color. Amelia needs her splash of color and I want Loryn to find that with us.

  So how do you tell someone who probably hates you, who is heartbroken from the recent events, that you love them? Perseverance? Although that didn’t work for James with Maya. It just pushed her away, but then again, Loryn isn’t Maya. Loryn likes romance, hearts, flowers and the sweet gestures. So for the time being I will keep at it. I’ll keep on texting, calling, sending her notes and flowers and such.

  Until she’s ready to see me.

  My phone rings when I pick it up ready to send my first text, “Hello?”

  It’s Maya. “She’s been crying for the past twenty minutes… what do I do?”

  “What do you mean what do you do?” Shouldn’t she be directing me?

  “She’s distraught Lucas.”

  “Yeah.” I know.

  “That doesn’t help at all.”

  “I don’t know Maya. I don’t know. She doesn’t want to see me right now.”

  I hear her exhale deeply.

  “Okay? I’ll be back soon. Let her get it out of her system.”

  “Are you okay Lucas?”

  “Not really,” I hang up and grip my phone in my hand. Hearts and flowers.

  Lucas: I miss you.

  Well that just sucks. Well done Lucas! Gah, I’m useless.

  Maybe I should just put away the whole romance theory for now and have a nap first. Yes. That sounds like a good idea.

  CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT

  Time Doesn’t Fly.

  “What do you mean she refuses to see me?” I shout in the middle of the hall at my brother. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “Lucas, calm down, there are other sick patients on this ward.”

  I narrow my eyes and lower my voice, “How the hell am I supposed to prove myself to her if I can’t fucking see her?”

  “Maya will talk to her. Wait until she calms down. She needs to rest, she’s been through a lot. Why don’t I get those to her…” he takes the huge teddy from my arms and the large box of candy. “And you go and calm down, take Amelia to the park or something.”

  I relent, but only because I have no other choice and I miss my daughter like crazy, “Fine. Tell her to call me.”

  “I will.”

  And with that I stomp off and collect my little angel from Sylvia’s. We play on the park until we’re both exhausted and gasping for air. At least the burning in my lungs has numbed the pain in my chest.

  September 1st

  Lucas: Did I ever tell you that you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, inside and out? Well I mean it. You really are. Please call me.

  September 2nd

  Lucas: Did you get my messages yesterday? Can I come and see you?

  Lucas: When are you getting discharged from the hospital? Are you feeling okay? Please let me know. I miss you.

  September 3rd

  Lucas: Is it wrong that I’m jealous of my daughter? That she got to see you this morning and I didn’t? How are you feeling? She tells me you look beautiful even though you’re poorly. You always look beautiful Loryn. You take my breath away.

  September 4th

  Lucas: The rabbit chewed through the wire of your hairdryer that I forgot to return to you. I’m sorry… I’ve bought you a new one. Maya said it’s the best but I’ll let you be the judge seeing as you know about all of that stuff. Who would have thought a little rabbit could be so devious?

  September 5th

  Lucas: Still waiting on your call. It feels like forever since we spoke. I came to the hospital today but you still won’t see me. So instead I’ve got to continue filling up your inbox with these messages. I miss you. Call me. Even if it’s to shout at me.

  September 6th

  Loryn,

  You aren’t answering my texts so I decided to write to you instead. I miss you, please take pity on me and let me see you. You plague my every thought, my every waking moment and even my sleep time. You’re in every dream, your image is burned on my brain so when I shut my eyes I see you, when I open them I see you. Everything reminds me of you and I won’t deny the fact that I love it at the same time as I hate it. A life without you is... words can’t even explain how lonely I feel without you. Please call me.

  September 7th

  James says I’m turning into him. Apparently you haven’t mentioned me and you shut down when anyone does. Do I really cause you that much pain? Christ babe. That tears me up, I want to be associated with your happy times. I don’t want to be in your mind like this. Like a nuisance that you have to hear about because you’re friends with my relatives. I miss you. Just call me, shout at me, and slap me if it will make you feel better.

  I went to the park with Amelia again today. We’ve been going there a lot recently. It helps me take my mind off you. Only a little bit but just enough to function. Because that’s what you do to me. You consume me to the point where I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning.

  Amelia misses you, can I bring her to see you?

  September 8th

  Lucas: Unfortunately I haven’t seen anyone today other than Amelia so I couldn’t get your newest note to you. You are getting them right? And the flowers? And the candy? And all of the other stuff? Just respond yes or no.

  Lucas: Wow. Not even a yes or a no? That sucks. But I know I deserve it. I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me baby. I’ve been a dick, I’m sorry. Let me show you just how sorry I am.

  September 9th

  Loryn,

  I went to the park again today, this time with Maya, James, Evelyn and Amelia. They said you’re getting released tomorrow. They also said you told them to tell me to stop messaging you. That’s not going to happen. I get it, you want it over, I deserve it. But I’m not letting you go. I’d be an idiot to let you go. So it’s not going to happen, not unless you tell me to my face, that you really don’t love me anymore then I’m not giving up.

  I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow at Marie’s and I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. You’re mine to l
ook after, mine to protect, I already failed at that once. I definitely won’t be failing again anytime soon. This I swear.

  How are you feeling? Are you well enough to be coming home? I wish home was here, with me but I fucked that up. Sorry, I shouldn’t have sworn.

  ^MESSED

  Please call me.

  I stand in the hall outside of Marie and Loryn’s apartment. The door opens and Marie greets me with a sad smile and a shake of her head, “She doesn’t want to see you Lucas.”

  My heart plummets like it has done every single day I didn’t get a reply. “Please Marie…”

  She looks up at the ceiling and taps her chin in thought, “You’re a big guy, and I’m just a weak feeble female.” She swings the door open with a bang. “LUCAS I SAID DON’T COME IN HERE!”

  “Crafty lady,” I chuckle as I pass her and her dramatically flailing form. “Thanks Marie.”

  “I’ll be in the kitchen, make it quick.”

  I’ve been here once before so I remember my way to the spare room which is now Loryn’s. “Go away,” ouch. I enter the room after a small knock and head straight to the talking lump on the bed. “Lucas I’m not in the mood.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I sit on the side of the large bed and place my hand over the blanket on her knee. I’m too scared to touch anywhere else in case I hurt her. She looks so beautiful, curled up on her side, her hair fanning out behind her, the blanket tucked up to her chin. “I’m sorry.”